IMPERFECT Lady

Hide from your life.

While listening to a fictional book, a person was given a chance to change their name, face and location...disappearing from their old life into a brand new one.

It was to change all outward appearances or name recognition; yet the person remained on the inside, but hidden from view.

What struck me was how we tend to change some of the same things, hoping for a better life.  When the real core of who you are isn't where you live, the features on your face, the size of your body or what you do for a living.

And, on Facebook yesterday someone asked the question, "What are your five values?" and I asked, "How many live their values?"  

Is it possible that your values and your life don't match and is that even possible?

How you spend your time every day, who you are with and how you act ARE your values.

And, is there a difference between your values and your character OR are they one and the same?

I listed mine...."Authenticity, Integrity, trustworthy, individual, spirited".

Freedom would be another, as well as passion...and acceptance of what is.

I believe our actions are our values.

How we spend our time, and who we spend it with, is what gives our life worth.

And what kind of energy do we bring to these encounters, is our contribution to these engagements.

Is it possible as well, that many can't name their values and that what they do each day isn't what they want their values to be?

I am much more in sync with my values.  My inner world is happy with what I do and with whom.   I am more in tune. 

In the past, there was a fight and struggle, where my values and ideas wrestled with what I was taught.  Now, there is no inner fight going on. 

I have learned to tune out the voices outside of me, and listen to my inner callings.  And in doing so my self value has risen.

I would bet, that the biggest cause of distress and stress for that matter, is doing the opposite of what you know are your values.  Doing this to get along, to keep the peace etc...while a war is raging inside of you.

List your values, give them a ranking of importance and then see how close you are living in comparison to the list.  If it is off, you know where you need to start spend more of your time and energy.

Don't let your inner self hide from your life.

Thanks Brian Rendel for this exercise.

 

 

 

Hear and Honor it.

 

The phrase, "Truth Be Told" has me pondering, how many of us would benefit if our truth was told.  Imagine a world where we had circles in which we share our truths, expressing our silences?

The "Truth Be Told" project is for women in prison...you can learn more about them at http://www.truth-be-told.org  I have browsed their site and have just a thumbnail sketch of what their mission is.

However, I wondered if we the un-incarcarated women could benefit by speaking out before our lives get so out of control, we do something that lands us in prison.

I know that many of these women come from similar childhoods as mine...."there but the grace of God go I".

To me it is interesting that we as a society are completely wired in 'untruths'. 

We tend to see courage in those who speak it; but rarely do most of us glance at our own, let alone explore it in depth.

What would it mean to you if your Truth Be Told?

What changes would your life take?

What relationships would be 'upset' by your truths?

I know that most people live lives where their truth is their best kept secret.

What I believe, is that our subconsciousness (truths) are trying to gain our attention in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I was enraged and I didn't know why.

Once my truth came out....the rage simmered down.  

And, the awkwardness of my life righted itself and it became balanced.

Imagine again how many women(and men) in prisons would have been steered onto a different pathway if they lived their truths?

So many have histories as mine...Untreated abuse.

Would their lives make more sense if they could see the natural conclusion from an un-natural childhood?

Annie Roger's book "Annie Rogers: The Unsayable: The hidden language of trauma  explains how we act out our truths until we reconcile them with ourselves.  

Our truths want to be heard, seen and felt.  They will continue to replay our abuse, until we recognize it as abuse and correct the labels of our abusers.

It is painless to have a father; and painful to have a pedophile in its place.  

But can they both exist?

What happens to you the victim when you only see a father? Where does your truth go and what is the consequence of that?

I know, in my experience, that I re-created many different relationships where I was powerless...where I was blind to the 'faults' of many.   I couldn't see the negatives or when I did, I subconsciously made them positive.  It was my job to keep our little secret secret....by treating him as a father and my mother as a mom.  

To act out and live your truth is not a journey most of us travel.  Especially when there is abuse in our homes.  Instead we live with the constant frustration of trying to make a family out of an circle of abusers.   We have our roles that don't allow our truths anywhere near us.

The Truth Be Told, needs to be in the schools, churches, and many social circles.  We need an early intervention so the prisons are not full of silent victims.  And, so our families are not posing untruthfully, but are standing exposing our truths.

I applaud the volunteers who engage with prisoners.

I applaud anyone who dares speak their truths...especially when it upends the applecart of their family's lives.  For they are breaking the pattern that destroys children's lives.  

If they only knew the impact truth be told would have on the lives of little children.

Perhaps it should be the truth be heard.  For it is also my belief that children tell.

They tell, but the parents don't hear.

They don't want to hear that their husband is capable of abuse, that their brother, uncle or grandparent can be anything but what they show to the world.

The truth be told and held is the key to ending abuse.

If you can't be a truth teller, be a truth holder for someone.

Again, how odd is it that we live in a world where our truths are not valued and treasured; but are made to be kept separated from us.

I know to the depth of my being, the prisons house those who lost their way, due to the fact their truths were not honored as children.

I know well intended therapists and healing modalities try and cover up and look beyond and move on from the past.  And, the precise moment we stopped being truthful is the moment we turned down the road that led us further and further away from life of peace, love and joy.  

When did this adult child begin to hide their truths and why?

I didn't get my family to stand with me and my truths and I know the cost.

The cost to be with my truth is priceless.

And, the cost to be without it...would have cost my children their innocence.

Alice Miller is the only therapist that I am familiar with who understands how the truth of our abusive parents IS the savings grace of our mental and emotional beings.

Without my truth, I would not be me.

I would be a soulless being.

Thank you to all whose truth be told...and for those who hear and honor it!

 

 

An Old Friend

I spent some time at the Beach House yesterday afternoon and evening, the one that is For Sale...and it wasn't until I was mowing the grass that waves of emotion overcame me.

First I was overcome by her neglect or the lack of tender grooming.  It felt to me like I was taking care of a long forgotten friend as I mowed.

A friend who took such great care of me when I needed it the most.

I recalled the days and nights I spent there, when the inside of me was a complete mess.  I was soothed by her porch, view, sunrises, and the total space for me to just be in a place of rest.

And, rest I did.

On her rocky shore, refreshing waters, cool breezes.  

The sound of waves rocking me to sleep.

Her value to me is far beyond market value; she carries years of memories, of laughter and tears.  Of little voices and toddler swimsuits, of friends enjoying hot afternoons. Children deep into their imaginations creating wonderfully.  Of star filled skies at night, as we camped on her generous porch.

Family gathered enjoying the water, card games and solitude of books.  

She was disconnected from the outside, no phones, no TV, no computer hook up....we were transported to the "Be Here Now" space.

More moments than I can count I thanked her, with tears of gratitude and heart felt sighs as I wearily rested on her shores.  Trying to find my footing; again.

As I mowed her tangled overgrown lawn, I felt that I was preparing her for her adoption. That soon another person will be receiving her gifts.

And I wondered if they will look at her many faults or just accept her like we did.

She wasn't the bright and shining perfect beach cottage with everything pristine, she was completely imperfectly perfect.  Her charms lie what you see and do along her shoreline.  

I didn't own her.  She wasn't mine to care for and yet I did.  At least in the many summers we spent weeks there.  In the past few years, I spent less and less time there.  Life changed or lives changed and I guess I believed when I had time again, she would be waiting.  

It was to prepare a special friend for our parting.  How do you say Good Bye?

She will always be remembered with great reverence and love.   

Our memories we take.

I had sent wishes that she will be adopted by loving folks who will do as we did...

Step into her space and be soothed by the loving nature that is her.

She is a huge part of our summer memories.  Her porch awaits more laughter, colorful towels, grilling smells, running feet and giggles.

Her shoreline, swimming, golf ball chasing, dog fetching sticks, mermaid rock diving, sun soaking, inner tube floating, boat building, kayaking....fun.

My life and my children's lives all have been better because we had the luxury of enjoying our summers at the Beach House.  Due to the lack of outside communication we connected with nature and ourselves.

 

Beauty abounds everywhere... just paddles along her shore.

I can't imagine our lives without her.

And, I am so grateful to have had her this long.

It truly is like saying good bye to an old friend.

 

What Snags Your Soul?

It wasn't until I pondered what words to add, did I get this quilt.  

I love the phrase "soul fishing"!  The first words I tried were "gone fishing"...but that didn't seem right.

There seemed to be more going on than mere fishing.

It was the peacefulness of doing what she loves and the space or time allowed...that there was nowhere she would rather be; than with what she loves.

Soul fishing is to find what honors your soul, what makes you come alive.

You will tell you caught one when you are filled with great energy and aliveness.

I may go back and add words to the fish... 

I love this more the more I sit with it and realize her significance as she encourages others to fish for their soul...

To take the time and give yourself a pass to do what excites your Being!

What snags your soul?