IMPERFECT Lady

Totally Herself!

She chose her guest list carefully.  She paid attention to the smallest of details, she listened to what brought her peace, and what she loved....what felt happy and fun for her; and when tied all together....it was incredible.

It is hard to articulate how this is a metaphor for life; that by what we allow or don't allow, what we say yes to or no to... Matters.

Each small detail weaves itself into the tapestry of moments.

Creating you and your moments.  The milestones and just normal routines are all created in your choices. How you vote each item in or out.

This Wedding reflected my daughter and her husband.  Their joy with games allowed us all the opportunity to play and be a kid again.

Perhaps it was the playfulness, and the familiarity to close friends and family, that created the energy of the day.  It was wedding picnic...

It was an authentically HER day.  She didn't have to do that which she didn't want to; what made her feel uncomfortable or out of sorts.  She moved around her day with ease....being herself.

This allowed the rest of us to be ourselves too. We didn't have to put on a social face, just be ourselves in fancy clothes.

And, even swim in fancy clothes.  OH MY God, this was the best way to end the long day of fun...cooling off and washing off our fancy clothes!

Her friends have become my friends. My daughters...my friends.  I LOVE this the most!

Right before the plunge!  Or after...

A wedding day that was all about being you!  About sharing your special day with friends, with those who you feel connected to.  Those who will celebrate you and your love.

Her wedding was a complete reflection of the beautiful, playful, quiet, loving, detail oriented...her.

We all felt honored to be chosen to be part of her day.

As the mother of the bride, I felt affirmed in all the tough choices I have had to make over the past many years.  For in doing so, she too, could make her own choices...it has given her the power to empower herself.

I feel that by being a strong woman...she had a model...to be totally herself!

No Decorations Needed!

"The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

From Chapter 13 "Embracing My Anger"

"I also had a persistent fantasy of stabbing my mother in the face. The recurring image of something so horrific was quite disturbing. I'd never considered doing anything like that; blood makes me nauseous and even hurting someone's feelings bothers me."

"I tried to suppress my feelings by thinking loving thoughts and imagining kind things about my mother. I berated myself. But the frequency and intensity of those thoughts wouldn't allow me to discount them."

"I had to own my desires and find out their source.  Where did they come from? What purpose did they serve? What was the significance of destroying my mother's face? The fantasy was an important clue."

"I remembered an incident from my childhood. I was alone with my dad in my parent's bedroom. My mom took great care in decorating the whole house, but especially their room. The bedding matched the drapes, which coordinated with the carpet. Their bed rested on a raised platform that was designed to make it the focal point of the room."

"My dad perched me on the edge of the platform while he sat on the floor across from me.  He had several pornographic magazines spread out next to him. While my dad put his finger inside of me, I looked up at the drapes and thought that appearances were all that mattered to my mom. She could make the house look like a palace, but it would always be a dungeon."

"My mom was more interested in an image than reality. I was enraged that she chose to sacrifice me so she could keep our family looking perfect. My slashing fantasy was an expression of my anger to make everything look nice, rather than making it nice.  Her face represented the image that was so important to her."

"One of the primary ways I expressed my feelings towards my mother was by letter writing. I wrote many letters and emails to her.  This is one of them:

"Dear Mom, 

You're such a LIAR!!! You claim I'm the one who's lying and you hide behind your religious facade and your pretty house and pretty clothes. You're disgusting! With all the effort you put into pretending you're so good, you could have actually been a good person.

All my life, I thought I was the problem.  I thought if my own mother didn't love me, I must be unlovable. I took on all the hatred, resentment, judgments and disgust that you directed toward me and turned it on myself. I learned to feel those things about me.

I worked so hard for you to love me. All my life, I wanted to be close to you. I worked to get good grades, I tried to behave myself, but you didn't seem to see me. 

When I was ten, the school psychologist noticed something wrong with me after she observed me for only a few minutes. YOU LIVED WITH ME!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU NOTICE?????? You never saw me at all.

But, I WAS THERE!!!! And my abuse DID happen!!! No matter how much you deny that and accuse me of living in a fantasy world, your husband did disgusting things to me.  YOU were disgusting toward me too!!! How dare you make your life easier by sacrificing me! I deserve better than that!!!

"My buried anger was coming out. Through my anger, I was not only objecting to the abuse, but its false messages. My anger was the shift into validating myself instead of the lies. It was my declaration that I deserved to be treated better."

Freedom to Be Angry

"All my life I judged myself for being angry. I denied my anger and tried to cover it up with more acceptable feelings. I was doing the same thing my mom did - I was decorating over things I didn't want to see or feel."

"As long as I rejected and denied my anger, I didn't control it; it controlled me. It spilled out unintentionally on me and others I cared about."

"Displaced anger is impossible to get rid of. As long as I projected it in all the wrong places, I could never work through it; there was a never-ending supply."

"Giving myself permission to "feel what I feel" has proven the shortest way out of that emotion. Processing my anger allowed me to resolve it."  Christina

 

First of all, this anger is towards the non-abusing parent.  I get this.  So, imagine the feelings towards the one who actually did the abuse.  Which is in the next bold section titled "Anger Toward My Primary Abuser"

Back to the correlation between her wanting to slash her mother's face and the root source of it.  How the true anger comes from her mother putting on the perfect family portrait instead of seeing what is going on with her child.

The rage is not being seen and the attention to detail goes into the decorations of the home!

I have done both. 

I have raged and displaced my anger.  It wasn't until I directed my anger at my parents, did the unlimited supply of anger start to decrease.  And, when I placed my attention in the direction of the source of my anger, my children came into focus.

My home and its decorations seemed so minor compared to the lives of my children.

I get this completely.  I also know that when we decorate our feelings instead of showing them, doing as our mother's did to our home....putting on a good front!

We are trying to make kind, things that are not kind.

The fake face and pretend life is worthy of knife slashing anger!

What we want most is for someone to see behind the facade...to see us.

"Can you see me and do I matter" is the line Oprah uses.

The rage is that the pretend fantasy of a loving family matter more.

The rage is to feel invisible...

And then as we break the silence, a full out war is raged against us. We have to prove the fantastical family didn't exist. It is to battle with our mother's to show the truth against the fictional life she created.

What is so unbelievable to me, is how strong this fantasy is.  How, even when my father was in an orange jumpsuit, the family saw a father.

His biggest cover up was just being a dad.

And, his strongest supporter was my mother decorating their marriage and family...and I, her second in command.   

Until I saw and felt the truth, that lay beneath.

I no longer decorated, but stood at one with reality.  

My decorating with pretend feelings was broken.  

All I was left with was the real raw emotion.

I was not able to pretend to pretend to pretend.

I met me for the first time. 

The real me.

And, I met my real past ungarnished and horrifying.

It's brilliant tragedy was me.

By accepting the truth, I fell in love with Me.

No decorations needed!

 

 

Give Away Your Power.

more from Chapter 12 - "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

"Owning My Power"

"I've realized a little at a time over many years that I am capable of improving my own life in big and small ways.  As a childhood victim, one of my only powers was complaining.  As I've transitioned into viewing myself as an empowered adult, I've learned to listen to my thoughts.  I've become alert to grumbling or whiny expressions that are meant to gain me sympathy - as though I'm completely at someone else's mercy."  Christina

What I didn't know, is that complaining is to be disempowered; to believe that someone else holds your happiness/joy/love etc.

And, that as a child, that was our only power against the bigger adults...to complain, in hopes they would treat us better.

Very interesting to note.

Instead of complaining, an empowered adult has the power to change things in their lives.

Christina gave this example...

"When I was still learning to own my power, I planned to complain to my husband that he never spent time with me, but I stopped myself.  That sounded like an accusation, not the invitation that I intended.  I was blaming him and placing all the responsibility for our relationship on him, as though I was powerless.  In the past, whining didn't accomplish anything other than drawing us further apart, which was the opposite affect I wanted."

"This time, as an empowered person, I said to my husband, "We haven't spent much time together lately and I miss you.  Are you free for dinner on Thursday?" I took responsibility for my feelings and my relationship and I had a date."  Christina

The difference between whining and complaining and then being empowered for how we feel, plus carrying our part of the relationship...is vast.

Living life as an empowered adult is the answer and healing from a childhood of being a victim of abuse...in all its forms.

When you complain; you give away your power.

 

Blameless Freedom

Chapter 12, "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

"In reality, being a victim is falling under the power of someone or something else.  It's a lack of power.  The powerlessness might result from being smaller, weaker, younger, slower, less knowledgable, less experienced, having less authority, or having less social status.  At the heart of victimization is the fact that victims are overcome by a greater power.

"Victim Blaming"

"I blamed myself for my abuse as a way to survive my childhood. Blaming myself gave me the sense of control I needed - that I was desperate for.  To accept that I was helpless, that there was nothing I could have done, felt like death. However, if there was something wrong with me then I could work to fix it so there was hope of better treatment."

"As an adult, going from one abusive relationship to another seemed to confirm that I was to blame for my abuse and that I had always been to blame - even in childhood.  I was the common denominator.  Some people who saw my cycle of abusive relationships that followed me into adulthood judged me for "allowing" it. I deserved whatever I had coming to me."

"Supposedly, the remedy to "being a victim" was to accept the blame so I could make necessary changes."

"Does that mean that if I didn't break something, I can't fix it?  If I didn't make the mess, I can't clean it up? I'm a mother so I know that's certainly not true! But I tried for years to apply that to my abuse. I had to accept "my part" in it so I could move forward."

"In my healing, I've found that freedom coincides with the truth. If it's not true, it may help me to cope for a time, but it won't set me free.  It won't lead to empowering choices and actions. It won't promote love for myself or others - only dysfunction."

"The truth is that victims don't make abusers victimize them.  To believe that is to say that perpetrators are the true victims - their choice was dictated by the victim. If the victim hadn't mouthed off, if the victim had worn more clothes, if the victim hadn't been walking home alone, the abuser wouldn't have been "forced" to violate them."

"That was the way I thought when I was married to my abusive husband.  I believed that I provoked him to abuse me.  Unconsciously, I knew the cycle of abuse - the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon. The build up was agonizing.  I knew the explosion was coming, but when??? I had to get it over with and get to the honeymoon part of the cycle, which is what I lived for. The only choice I thought I had was when I'd be abused - not if."

"In reality, my ex-husband was looking for any excuse to belittle me and to take away more freedom.  He was waiting to twist something I said or did into a reason to punish me."

"Abusers justify their punishment by finding a so-called weakness. The weakness doesn't even have to make sense. The flaw or mistake could be "too fat" or "too skinny", "too pretty" or "too ugly", "too stupid" or "a know-it-all". What's ideal one day is a mistake the next.  The standards change to keep the victim insecure and self-doubting."

"I've lived under the control of many abusers and each one considered different qualities a weakness."

"I deserved to treated respectfully, no matter what flaws I have - or I'm thought to have. The truth is that I'm not responsible for my abuser's behavior."

"Accepting blame is only helpful if I am really at fault. If I keep getting fired from every job because I'm constantly late, blaming my boss for unfair standards won't help me; blaming traffic won't help me. I'll have employment problems until I recognize my responsibility and do something to change my behavior."

"Accepting responsibility for things that are my fault can be the first step to improving my life, but accepting responsibility for things that are not my fault can also keep me in the cycle of abuse and failure."

"One of the problems with accepting false blame is that I became even more angry with myself. I was caught in a game I could never win.  That didn't empower me to change the circumstances or myself. If I was somehow responsible for my abuse, what good would it do to leave my abuser? If I deserved the abuse, why should I fight it?"

"I needed to see who truly deserved the blame."

"The truth is that I can place the responsibility on the perpetrators of my abuse while still taking responsibility for picking up the pieces of my life.  I can acknowledge it was the abuser's fault and still have power to heal."  Christina.

 

What I failed to consider is that we find control when we blame ourselves.  This is huge.  We don't want to feel out of control the relationship is...so in order to bring some kind of control, we hold the blame.

And, society also carries the burden of blaming the victim when they choose to see the perpetrators out of control...and that we the victims are in control of them by what we wear, where we walk and what we do.

If you can grasp this belief; it will change your life into empowerment.

I do remember my world spinning out of control, when I let go of the self-blame and responsibility.  The spinning was the unraveling of my story of how I I had the problem and the correction of my world.  Placing the true picture upon my parents.

When I did this, even though my outer world raced out of control; my inner sense of self, calmed down and became clear.

Giving back the brokenness to those who broke it...was extremely powerful.

It left me with broken relationships, but back in control of me.

I gave back to my parents the responsibility for the abuse in our home.

I carried with me the part I was responsible for.  

My silence.

My need for attention.

My wanting to be accepted.

My desire to make others happy; no matter what.

I didn't create their mess and so I had no power to fix it.

I only could be very aware of my responsibility within my relationships.

My actions.

My words.

My energy.

My agreement....or disagreement.

My relationships are about me.

They tell the world who I am by what I tolerate or don't.

Who I spend my time with.

What I spend my time on.

I am no longer a victim of anyone's behavior.  No one can make me do something without my consent.

No one has more power than me in my life.

I love that the most.

And secondly, I love that I no longer need to blame someone to garnish control in my world.

I let my world spin in whatever way reality is...

I am a lover of realty, no matter what really presents.

I accept it without blame.

I wonder about what the Angel of Love will deliver?

Certainly she dances with blameless freedom!

 

Empowered You.

"Rescued Soul"   By Christina Enevoldsen

"I felt Like Telling was Abusive"

"Though I'd already confronted many of those fears and false beliefs about telling, like most things in the healing process, there have been many layers to this. Another layer started to surface in the year before my parents sued me for talking about my abuse."

"I'd heard reports of my dad's deteriorating body and mind. Though I felt sorry for him, his vulnerable position also angered me.  My feelings confused me, but as I examined them, I discovered the source: I believed that I had to stop talking about my abuse now that my dad was in a weakened condition. Because my father was no longer physically, emotionally, or mentally stronger than me, I feared that I was taking advantage of someone who couldn't defend himself."

"I was afraid that by talking about the things he did to me, I was discounting his personhood in the same way he'd done to me. I feared being abusive."

"My mother has said of me:"

"She has always longed for attention and recognition and the negative recognition is so satisfying to her."  

"I regret to say that we raised her to be self-centered and spoiled."

"She is also without scruples, vicious, extreme, and without boundaries or a conscience."

"It's clear to me that my mother believes I've been wicked from a very young age and that, though they did their best to instill goodness into me, they were overpowered by the evil in me and by my strong will."

"My parents groomed me to accept an identity that made life easier for them - to protect my parents' feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn't complain or protest."

"As I examined what abuse really is, I realized that telling my story isn't abusive. Hurting someone's feelings isn't the same as abuse. Abuse is about powering over someone else.  I am not taking away my dad's power, I'm claiming my own power. I'm exercising my right to tell my story of my life."

"As I faced the truth about my value and identity, I also recognized more universal truths.  I didn't cause my parents' emotional distress. My parents' distress came from their own issues.  To ask me to carry that responsibility for them was dysfunctional.  To have expected that of me as a child was wrong."

"I dont' have the power to make them feel bad or good, though as a child, I believed that I had that power.  I worked hard to make them happy in the hope of being loved. But that was a fantasy that I'm not living in anymore."

"My silence wasn't good for anyone - even for my abusers. Those types of secrets are destructive to everyone who keeps them. Truth doesn't destroy people or families; lies do. For incest to occur in a family, it takes more than just an abuser and a victim. It's part of an entire dysfunctional system."

"Exposing my abuse gave the entire family an opportunity to heal and to learn more about heathy and functional ways to relate to each other. It was their choice to continue to live in the lies, but that doesn't mean they were harmed by the opportunity for another way to live."  Christina

 

What is so interesting to me, is that we are made to feel abusive for speaking the truth about our feelings....and, for taking back our power.

We are not taking away anyone's power.

I totally get how we are made to feel abusive by telling our story. But, Abuse is about power. And, the only one whose power is affected, is our own.

We are reclaiming our power!

We are in a sense, making them powerless over us...and I suppose it does feel abusive to them in a reverse fashion.  Where once they had power in our lives...it is no longer true.

They can feel how powerless they are with us, but that isn't the same as US taking away their power.

There is a sleight of hands here in the nuance of power taking that leaves an adult child fearing they are being abusive when they speak their truth.

For, once we were powerless and our parents and our families had power over us and our actions and our silence.  Once we break the link of powerlessness...and reclaim our power, IT leaves them powerless in our lives.  

And, they take this powerless feeling and place the blame on us for making them feel powerless...like we are abusing them with our truth and taking back Our power from them.  

Is it possible to be abusive for taking back that which is our right?

If abused children/adult children could take this in, IT is the difference of being at peace with breaking the silence and not.

It is to know, to the depth of your being, that You are not abusing anyone when you take back your own power.  

Abuse is overpowering someone.  Not regaining power in your own life.

All that really changed is the ownership of my power.

I took ownership of my feelings, my truth and my life choices.

Everyone and anyone is powerless in my life.  

I no longer give my power to others. No matter what, you can't convince me against my will, my truth, my feelings, my emotions.  You will feel powerless in my life.

Each of us has our own power.  

If you are powerless, you gave it away;

For love.

For peace.

For joy

For wanting to fit in.

For religion.

For being accepted.

For loneliness.

When I am in full power and you are in full power...we have a perfect relationship.

Love, true love is being fully empowered.

I love everyone the same. I allow everyone the freedom to be empowered in their lives. 

The real and most damaging aspect of abuse is the loss of power.

I lived 46 years powerless in my life.

It isn't the sexual act...although it is cruel and harmful in its own right....but the life without power after.

The simple act of silence...depletes us of our power.

Our voice.

Our choice.

Are taken away.

We become powerless after the act of incest....which is more life changing than the act during the rape of our bodies.

The greatest tool in recovering and healing is the reclaiming of self-empowerment.

Which is why, I believe Art and being creative is a huge tool; it is working the muscles of choices.  Of choosing what you want to do and the freedom to do so.

Today, just own, that speaking of your abuse isn't abusive; for you are reclaiming your power, not overpowering someone!

Free will and the ability to make choices is to be empowered.

Being empowered is the opposite of being abused.

You are not abusing someone by breaking your silence....

You are healing you.  

You are giving yourself back your power; word by word...choice by choice.

Loving yourself is to feel your own power and owning it!

It is scary at first to grab it back from those who have owned it for years.

It's okay.  It is the little girl/boy coming alive.  Reclaiming the life power that abuse took away.

Going back to that wounded child and say what they feel....and know. 

You are re-wiring your power connections.  It will leave others powerless over you.

Own your life and feel your power, your uniqueness and brilliance...dare to be fully empowered You!

 

 

 

 

 

Rejection isn't about you!

In Chapter 9 - "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

 

"Taking the First Step in Telling"

"What I didn't know when I disclosed my abuse is that it's very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor.  That's especially true with incest survivors.  In incest families, the family system is a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret.  That system's survival depends on the secret, so they often sacrifice one member for the sake of the family."

"In most cases, the survivor who is willing to talk about the abuse is the healthiest person in the family.  The survivor is the one who recognizes that truth and is most motivated to address dysfunctional patterns.  That is a threat to the family unit. The person who wants change is often viewed and treated as the enemy."

"With incest, family members face divided loyalties. In dysfunctional families, it's more common to side with the perpetrator than with the victim.  That may be due to their own victimization from the perpetrator or unmet needs from the perpetrator.  Whatever the cause, survivors of incest are often rejected by their own family members, even if there is no doubt the abuse occurred."

"Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful.  Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse.  They also may view it as an accusation that they aren't good parents for failing to protect the child."

"Whatever the personal defenses, your family isn't likely to be the best source of support and understanding.  Telling a safe person who validates you makes it easier to go on to the next part of your healing.  When you disclose your abuse to someone who is compassionate, understanding, and accepting, it's a relief to know you're no longer alone.  However, sharing emotionally vulnerable moments with someone who is unsupportive may cause you to feel even more isolated."  Christina

 

This is another affirmation of my journey.  In my experience this is completely true.

Notice, most of the reasons they reject the one speaking out is for their own personal reasons.  It isn't about what is being said, but how it makes them feel or perhaps not want to feel.

So, if you are one who is willing to speak of your abuse and the family is rejecting you, IT ISN'T YOU, they are rejecting; but parts of themselves.   Or, they also have needs of this family and are not willing to let them go.

Family rejection isn't about the person they are rejecting...it is about keeping the family unit.  I knew this.  I have felt for years it wasn't about me.  

Still, good to be affirmed on this.

When you reject someone, it is about what you want to keep.  Who knew?

So, you may as well do what you love....rejection isn't about you!

 

 

 

When you have no choice.

The life of secrets and hiding, is very complex and often misunderstood.  It isn't as clear as things being in the light of day.  There are mixed messages and hidden agendas and the dark contours leaves you mistrusting, not only the other person; but yourself.  Not to mention the circle of friendship.

Often it is the person who backs away blamed for backing away.  And the secret, let alone the one who needs it kept secret, carries no burden of the separation.

They believe that it is their right to live as they choose.

And it is.

But, with each choice we all make, comes a set of consequences.

Some of your friends are okay playing along.

Others, like myself...feel the "something" inside of me that wants Me to push away.

I see it as my truth or my soul.

In the circle of friendships and/or relationships, we are each responsible for what we bring into the space.

And, also responsible for how we react or IF we react.

I don't see how it is seen as a good friendship circle when any manner of actions are to be accepted.  Like the friendship alone has no boundaries.

I don't recall in the past many years my having a desire to keep something a secret. If anything, I am too forthright.

I love my circle to be secret free.

For those who enter into a relationship with me, to feel the solid foundation of a moral code.

My mother spoke of morals and values...but she couldn't live it.  In her circle, she forgave all manner of behaviors; the boundaries were unseen.

I think each of us are asked over and over, in various interactions with others to clearly define WHO you are.  What you stand for, what you tolerate, how you enforce the energy in your circle that connects you with others.

I don't mind the disconnecting.

I know it is what I have to do in order to be me.

Keeping my inner world at peace with my integrity...I move.

I move closer to the truth...and, away from falsehood.

It is as natural as breathing.

I alone define my character.

I will only take the blame for moving...not for creating something that caused me to move.

Having this ability and the courage to follow it, has brought me a ton of freedom.

Freedom to navigate and place boundaries.

If you are unable to move...you are not free.  You are in a Love Bond.

Bound in place.

Love is free...always.

You are free to hide and I am free to move away.

This simple, yet profound freedom is to be healed from abuse.

I will not willingly enter into an abusive relationship.

Abuse is when you have no choice.

 

 

Ask yourself why..

As I rolled thoughts about secrets around and around, as well as my feelings of being duped, it came to me that there are markers of abuse tagged into the secrets.

Or for sure living a double life.

It just didn't make sense that I was so invested in whether there be full disclosure in someone's personal life or not.

I couldn't jive the PTSD feelings and sense of betrayal that comes when we are made aware of this second life.

As soon as I acknowledged my feelings of PTSD, or the over-reaction to new information, it made sense.

How would I not be wary of 'keeping secrets' or knowing that a person has a double life?  This dance is where my anxiety come from and even my desire to control.

I want to make sure that what I see is what I get....I don't want surprise characters popping up.

And, rightly so.

Comfort for me lies in knowing a person will grow and change, but in positive ways. That the surprises in getting to know someone don't include parts of them that need to be hidden away.

That was my father.  

Parts and interactions that didn't see the light of day; to be done in secret...

Without OTHERS knowing.

So, anytime there are secrets, unless for a surprise party....I am beyond wary and will exit from that party.   I couldn't when I was a child; but I can today.

I feel better knowing that I am not over-reacting, but it is normal coming from whence I came.

The reason so many children believe that the abuse is their fault or carry the blame is that they agree to carry its secrets.  Agree to mask their feelings and act like all is well. That the relationship 'hasn't change' due to the abuse.

I know that in my friendships, they are not asking me to hide abuse.

They are only asking me to be okay with their secret lives.

I fail horribly with this.

I don't know who they are now, and my trust plummets.

I can understand why they don't want to disclose; but I don't know why they themselves are okay hiding.

The dance between what we see and what we are not supposed to see is so similar to my childhood, it is no wonder I have issues with this.  

It isn't as personal to them as I thought.  It is much more about what I now seek....in people I am friends with.

I approach all my friendships with the same things I had as a child.  

I bring love, trust and friendship.

However, unlike my childhood.  I will back away when you try and engage me in the dark part of your world.  

In my innocence, as a child, I went along with the secrets....and saw only the father. In the end; I didn't get the father minus the secrets.

In fact, what was hidden, was what touched me the most, and affected my life.

It wasn't that I didn't love enough or wasn't a good secret keeper that wrecked that relationship.   

It was wasn't me...

No matter what I would have done; he decided his character, not I.

When the secrets spilled out, A loving father didn't appear.  

It wasn't about me at all.

I love that I am okay, not keeping your secrets. That I require friendships that can be lived out loud in the light of day.

I get nervous when I catch the hint that something needs to be hidden.

And, that doesn't make me a bad friend.

When my son was little and he had to duck down behind the seat of the bus to play with a Lighter, my husband said to him.  "If you have to hide behind a bus seat....(You know, it isn't something you should be doing.)"

If part of your life is lived hiding behind the bus seat....you may want to ask yourself why?

 

 

 

Mask Less

In the past few days, I have had conversations....well maybe the past few weeks, about friends with secrets.  Or maybe just things we are silent about.  Not silent with friends; but expecting friends then to be silent about it.  To give information and for it to be held by that person.  

Like we become a container for their truth.

Isn't it odd that we want to keep the truth hidden.  What does that say then, about their lives?  If the truth isn't shown, than what is?  And, are we then keepers of the truth or actively hiding it and participating in the building of the fake life?

What are good friends for?

Are they to help you live out loud... your truth, or to decorate your fake life?

If it isn't our place to share your truth...than are you making us partners in keeping silent, your secret life?

I find as I am older or maybe more transparent, that I don't like playing dress up with lives.

It actually makes it seem like you have a fake friend and then a real one.  

Which friend would be most upset by the truth being revealed?

I don't believe it would be the truthful one?

There has to be benefits or payoffs or something to the fake identity, the one who lives minus the truth.

What is it?

How would it be more beneficial to live a fake life...one where you know the truth; but you don't live it.

Or is to to have the best of two worlds?

Is it possible to live two different happy lives?

What happens to us friends who know there are two lives going on?

How can it be possible to be supportive of two very different lives?  And why are we the bad guys for getting tired of the game of hide the life?

And, who is the real friend? 

Who are we really friends with?

The mask or the person behind the mask?

Do we have to don a mask too in order to be your friend?

One that is compliant and an accomplice in creating a whole life for the mask?

While behind the mask sits the person who is unable to live mask-less.

Are we not agreeing, by our silence, that the truth is shameful and too ugly to see the light of day?

But isn't the truth who you are...no matter what mask you put on in your social world?

And, does the mask really hide anything for your actions speak louder than our silence?

I am confused when asked to participate in this.  I lose energy or enthusiasm for wanting to spend time there.  It seems pointless to help create a life that isn't based on the truth.  I don't want to wear a mask myself and I am surely not interested in painting over the truth for someone else.

Even if the mask will make them happy and feel loved.

Read that again.

Wearing a mask will make them happy and feel loved.

Wow.

When who I want to be with is the one behind the mask.

It takes courage to be a life that wears no mask.

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."  Maya Angelou

I don't know what to do with people who are asking me to be friends with their mask...too.

It is like there is a third wheel in our friendship...one that is eroding the soul and distancing them from their truth.  

The less interested I am in the mask....and the more they need the mask, the bigger the space between us grows.  Until the gap is so big, our friendship will be a cordial way and hello.

And in the end, who will be at fault when the friendship fails?

Will it be the one wearing the mask or the one who despises the mask?

Is it the one with the secrets or the one who doesn't want to keep silent?

And, can you be authentic and non-transparent?

Like a closet transparent person?

My ability to make friends with masks and trust them and grow with them is an ability I lost.

When I was a mask....I was friends with masks.

When mine was ripped off....so went the power to believe in the mask.

I often feel like a failure when I can't just be okay with the mask. That why do I need to get beneath it?  Why do I have to always seek the truth in others?

And, on the other hand, I feel used when others ask me to engage in their mask.

Like I am not worthy of a relationship with truth.

Secrets...to me is where the real person lives.

I lived for 46 years under a mask.

And, for 10 years, striving to remain mask free.

If you build a friendship/relationship that begins with a mask or needs one to continue...will it not be one where the truth isn't welcome?  And, if the truth isn't welcome...is it a true friend?

This flower blooms from a sticker bush...amidst all the pokey prickly things...

I believe real love and friendships blossom where masks are not welcome or needed.  Where we encourage and support a life that is mask free.  

Regardless of the pains and things that hurt...beauty blooms from the truth.

It took great courage for me to expose and own all my secrets and my family secrets.  But, I love who I am exposed...far more than I ever even liked the old me.

And, I have great admiration, love and interest, in what lies behind the mask.

Please don't ask me to be friends with your mask...or carry your secrets.

Instead ask me to be there as you walk mask less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Against the flow.

While kayaking Sunday morning with a friend, we noticed something really strange that went against what we had been taught, "to go with the flow".

When we were going with the waves, we had a terrible time steering the kayak, we kept getting turned in a direction we didn't want to go in.

We had to be very vigilant to keep us heading correctly, and we felt out of control.

Yet, when we headed into the waves, we could keep our kayaks heading straight.

We were both amazed at how it contradicted the sentiments of "going with the flow".

A thought came to me this morning, that when we tried to steer our boat as we flowed, it didn't work.  However, if we gave up and went with the flow....we flowed where it took us, but not where we wanted to go.

If you look at this as a metaphor for life, you can see the similarities.

Often the easy route is to let the flow take you.  

You may go easily where it leads but you yourself are not in control; you are at the mercy of its waves.

Going against the easy flow way, you will have control and set your destination...it is harder but you will go where you want.

What happened when we were in the flow....and out of control, we lost our concentration and the meditation of our rhythm...for we were bumping into each other and drifting oddly.  

However, when we both were in control and heading into the path of most resistance, we were steady.  Our conversation and paddling were not disrupted by the odd twists and turns.

In the controlled paddle, we could forget the undercurrents and be with ourselves.

I know this echoes in real life.

The false sense of ease, keeps you out of control with your own goal or destination; you are at the mercy of others.   You don't have to do anything, but you don't control anything either.  You just bobble around on life's surface.

I love how nature teaches us about our own nature.

This living experience and the feelings I had while going with the waves or against will stay with me.

To be in control, you have to go against the flow.