As I rolled thoughts about secrets around and around, as well as my feelings of being duped, it came to me that there are markers of abuse tagged into the secrets.
Or for sure living a double life.
It just didn't make sense that I was so invested in whether there be full disclosure in someone's personal life or not.
I couldn't jive the PTSD feelings and sense of betrayal that comes when we are made aware of this second life.
As soon as I acknowledged my feelings of PTSD, or the over-reaction to new information, it made sense.
How would I not be wary of 'keeping secrets' or knowing that a person has a double life? This dance is where my anxiety come from and even my desire to control.
I want to make sure that what I see is what I get....I don't want surprise characters popping up.
And, rightly so.
Comfort for me lies in knowing a person will grow and change, but in positive ways. That the surprises in getting to know someone don't include parts of them that need to be hidden away.
That was my father.
Parts and interactions that didn't see the light of day; to be done in secret...
Without OTHERS knowing.
So, anytime there are secrets, unless for a surprise party....I am beyond wary and will exit from that party. I couldn't when I was a child; but I can today.
I feel better knowing that I am not over-reacting, but it is normal coming from whence I came.
The reason so many children believe that the abuse is their fault or carry the blame is that they agree to carry its secrets. Agree to mask their feelings and act like all is well. That the relationship 'hasn't change' due to the abuse.
I know that in my friendships, they are not asking me to hide abuse.
They are only asking me to be okay with their secret lives.
I fail horribly with this.
I don't know who they are now, and my trust plummets.
I can understand why they don't want to disclose; but I don't know why they themselves are okay hiding.
The dance between what we see and what we are not supposed to see is so similar to my childhood, it is no wonder I have issues with this.
It isn't as personal to them as I thought. It is much more about what I now seek....in people I am friends with.
I approach all my friendships with the same things I had as a child.
I bring love, trust and friendship.
However, unlike my childhood. I will back away when you try and engage me in the dark part of your world.
In my innocence, as a child, I went along with the secrets....and saw only the father. In the end; I didn't get the father minus the secrets.
In fact, what was hidden, was what touched me the most, and affected my life.
It wasn't that I didn't love enough or wasn't a good secret keeper that wrecked that relationship.
It was wasn't me...
No matter what I would have done; he decided his character, not I.
When the secrets spilled out, A loving father didn't appear.
It wasn't about me at all.
I love that I am okay, not keeping your secrets. That I require friendships that can be lived out loud in the light of day.
I get nervous when I catch the hint that something needs to be hidden.
And, that doesn't make me a bad friend.
When my son was little and he had to duck down behind the seat of the bus to play with a Lighter, my husband said to him. "If you have to hide behind a bus seat....(You know, it isn't something you should be doing.)"
If part of your life is lived hiding behind the bus seat....you may want to ask yourself why?
