Chapter 12, "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen
"In reality, being a victim is falling under the power of someone or something else. It's a lack of power. The powerlessness might result from being smaller, weaker, younger, slower, less knowledgable, less experienced, having less authority, or having less social status. At the heart of victimization is the fact that victims are overcome by a greater power.
"Victim Blaming"
"I blamed myself for my abuse as a way to survive my childhood. Blaming myself gave me the sense of control I needed - that I was desperate for. To accept that I was helpless, that there was nothing I could have done, felt like death. However, if there was something wrong with me then I could work to fix it so there was hope of better treatment."
"As an adult, going from one abusive relationship to another seemed to confirm that I was to blame for my abuse and that I had always been to blame - even in childhood. I was the common denominator. Some people who saw my cycle of abusive relationships that followed me into adulthood judged me for "allowing" it. I deserved whatever I had coming to me."
"Supposedly, the remedy to "being a victim" was to accept the blame so I could make necessary changes."
"Does that mean that if I didn't break something, I can't fix it? If I didn't make the mess, I can't clean it up? I'm a mother so I know that's certainly not true! But I tried for years to apply that to my abuse. I had to accept "my part" in it so I could move forward."
"In my healing, I've found that freedom coincides with the truth. If it's not true, it may help me to cope for a time, but it won't set me free. It won't lead to empowering choices and actions. It won't promote love for myself or others - only dysfunction."
"The truth is that victims don't make abusers victimize them. To believe that is to say that perpetrators are the true victims - their choice was dictated by the victim. If the victim hadn't mouthed off, if the victim had worn more clothes, if the victim hadn't been walking home alone, the abuser wouldn't have been "forced" to violate them."
"That was the way I thought when I was married to my abusive husband. I believed that I provoked him to abuse me. Unconsciously, I knew the cycle of abuse - the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon. The build up was agonizing. I knew the explosion was coming, but when??? I had to get it over with and get to the honeymoon part of the cycle, which is what I lived for. The only choice I thought I had was when I'd be abused - not if."
"In reality, my ex-husband was looking for any excuse to belittle me and to take away more freedom. He was waiting to twist something I said or did into a reason to punish me."
"Abusers justify their punishment by finding a so-called weakness. The weakness doesn't even have to make sense. The flaw or mistake could be "too fat" or "too skinny", "too pretty" or "too ugly", "too stupid" or "a know-it-all". What's ideal one day is a mistake the next. The standards change to keep the victim insecure and self-doubting."
"I've lived under the control of many abusers and each one considered different qualities a weakness."
"I deserved to treated respectfully, no matter what flaws I have - or I'm thought to have. The truth is that I'm not responsible for my abuser's behavior."
"Accepting blame is only helpful if I am really at fault. If I keep getting fired from every job because I'm constantly late, blaming my boss for unfair standards won't help me; blaming traffic won't help me. I'll have employment problems until I recognize my responsibility and do something to change my behavior."
"Accepting responsibility for things that are my fault can be the first step to improving my life, but accepting responsibility for things that are not my fault can also keep me in the cycle of abuse and failure."
"One of the problems with accepting false blame is that I became even more angry with myself. I was caught in a game I could never win. That didn't empower me to change the circumstances or myself. If I was somehow responsible for my abuse, what good would it do to leave my abuser? If I deserved the abuse, why should I fight it?"
"I needed to see who truly deserved the blame."
"The truth is that I can place the responsibility on the perpetrators of my abuse while still taking responsibility for picking up the pieces of my life. I can acknowledge it was the abuser's fault and still have power to heal." Christina.
What I failed to consider is that we find control when we blame ourselves. This is huge. We don't want to feel out of control the relationship is...so in order to bring some kind of control, we hold the blame.
And, society also carries the burden of blaming the victim when they choose to see the perpetrators out of control...and that we the victims are in control of them by what we wear, where we walk and what we do.
If you can grasp this belief; it will change your life into empowerment.
I do remember my world spinning out of control, when I let go of the self-blame and responsibility. The spinning was the unraveling of my story of how I I had the problem and the correction of my world. Placing the true picture upon my parents.
When I did this, even though my outer world raced out of control; my inner sense of self, calmed down and became clear.
Giving back the brokenness to those who broke it...was extremely powerful.
It left me with broken relationships, but back in control of me.
I gave back to my parents the responsibility for the abuse in our home.
I carried with me the part I was responsible for.
My silence.
My need for attention.
My wanting to be accepted.
My desire to make others happy; no matter what.
I didn't create their mess and so I had no power to fix it.
I only could be very aware of my responsibility within my relationships.
My actions.
My words.
My energy.
My agreement....or disagreement.
My relationships are about me.
They tell the world who I am by what I tolerate or don't.
Who I spend my time with.
What I spend my time on.
I am no longer a victim of anyone's behavior. No one can make me do something without my consent.
No one has more power than me in my life.
I love that the most.
And secondly, I love that I no longer need to blame someone to garnish control in my world.
I let my world spin in whatever way reality is...
I am a lover of realty, no matter what really presents.
I accept it without blame.
I wonder about what the Angel of Love will deliver?
Certainly she dances with blameless freedom!
