IMPERFECT Lady

A burden to me!

From "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevolds....

"Changing My Focus"

"In my early days of working with survivors of sexual abuse, I was chatting with a friend and fellow advocate. With her children still at home, she expressed how careful she needed to be in the time she lent to her work.  Both of us agreed how challenging it was to find balance in caring for our families and working in a field that we're so passionate about."

"I was silently celebrating in my mind, "My kids are adults now.  I'm free to serve as much as I want!"

"A meek little voice interrupted my thoughts. "I'm still here," she pleaded. In an instant, I understood that I still had me to care for. I felt a bit of tenderness for myself, but it was overshadowed by annoyance. Grudgingly, I made a list of things I should do to take better care of myself and started to work through them."

"As I started, I heard the impatience in my thoughts as though I was waiting outside of myself, tapping my foot, rushing myself through whatever I was doing.  I caught myself demanding, "More important people are waiting for you. Hurry up!"

"Even when I did pleasant things for myself, it was a chore to complete. The things that most people enjoyed were a burden to me - I was a burden."

"That was a familiar feeling.  It was the same attitude my mother had about children, about me. She took care of my physical need, but she seemed to resent how exhausting I was."

"Just as my mother never found joy in caring for me, I never did either. It saddened me that I didn't find pleasure in doing nice things for myself.  I grieved for how my mother treated me and for how I learned to treat myself."       Christina

 

Wow.

 

I read this....and then jumped on the mower and moved for a few hours.

And I weeped for the truth of this in me.

I knew I was a burden and a chore...and I knew... I held the same 'exhausting burden' of children...not joy.  

Joy wasn't the go to emotion...work was.  Children are a huge responsibility...a weight.

As I mowed and wept...I felt the undoing of the burden and the exhaustion of caring for me.

This is the energy system that was feeding or dragging me....making the care of Me feel so heavy...and not the joy or pleasure of doing good for me.

I bought this book after a women in WIND recommended it to me.  I have had it for months, and hadn't done more than flip though pages....glancing at bold headings.

For some reason, tonight I picked it up and read.

And, it was exactly what I feel I can now work on to care for me in a joyous way.

As, I have learned to be more joyfully caring with my kids.  

I refuse to be a burden to me!

 

 

 

Be Me!

Is there anything to judge without the experience of truth...or perhaps your truth and the familiarity of its voice; your voice and your truth.

How often do you think the bare truth of who you are is spoken?

Who uses your voice and mind, if not you?

To Judge was to make a reasonable conclusion.

What is the reasonable conclusion of who you are?

Do you know you...or do you know what you have to do in order to maintain peace and certain relationships, status, jobs....love.

It came to me, as one who has learned to embrace the truth of who I am, where I came from and then....the small little voice I had ignored for years.  My soul.   That maybe the lack of true judgment comes for the lack of being you.

How can you make a reasonable conclusion about others, IF you don't know who you are?  If you haven't proclaimed loudly this is who I am.

In voice

In action

Alone, if need be.

This is what I stand for...or against.

Can you make a reasonable choice, if you have never reasoned with yourself?

If you have never obeyed the whispers of your inner truth....and instead echoed the voices around you...how can you know what's your reason.

I looked up "Reason"

"a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event."

"the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic."

It is interesting to get to to the root of the reason, to boil things down and see what is your logic.  And, is it a logical conclusion or one that is based on group acceptance or an individual value point?  Or is it even based on the more selfish reasons of not wanting to be alone and different?

I would bet, that more often than not, whether we judge or not, is based on selfish reasons, OVER reasons about the person in question,  themselves.  

It never was about the other person...when I made the decision to exit a relationship; but about my own inner truths, emotions and feelings....my integrity.

In order to be truthful to me, I said good-bye.

Are the reasons self-loving, selfish, or to be loved and accepted?

Why do we reason the way we reason?

If you are not even truthful about the reason you made a reasonable conclusion, is it your truth?

Again, judging or non-judging is way more about your inner world, your character, and your ability to speak and act your true nature....than it is about the person or situation you are judging.

In my experience of the past 10 years of learning to live with the truth of being Me, all my decisions were about Me.  It was never about the other person.  It was about defining who I am.

What I will accept, honor and respect...is what creates Me.

I called it living inside out.

It didn't matter how it felt or looked on the outside...it mattered a great deal on the inside as I began to form Me.

Could I honor, love and respect me, was my first question.

My focus was very narrow, it pointed inward at my heart and soul.

It was to be born again, as an individual.

The road of great resistance.

10 years ago, I didn't know who I was...as a self.

It was to go against all I was taught and raised to be; by those outside of me.

In the past, my reasonable conclusion was based upon group mentality.  I literally could not conclude on my own...for I would have stood out in the group.  

I thought as the church.

I thought what was good for the family.

My thoughts were based on how others would respond.

I dodged confrontations and upsetting faces....by being agreeing with their reasons. 

I often belittle or berated myself when I had a difference of opinion...and was applauded each time I went along.  I was accepted when I matched their reasons.

What is so clear to me today, is that when I no longer took care to fit in, I was set free to be Me.  And, I got used to being my best friend and strongest supporter.

I didn't know how weak and small I was, until I began stepping out.

Or, how undefined I was.

I didn't know me...but, I knew the group and what their needs were.  I was a complete stranger to my own desires.

It has been a fascinating, terrifying, brilliantly tragic, wildly exhilarating, completely overwhelming, exciting beyond reason....to get to know me and Be Me!

I would not trade my journey for anyones.

How grateful am I...I get to be ME!

Actually, I can.....be Me!

 

 

Peace with What Is.

I thought more on the word "Non-Judgment"  and, looked up a few definitions.  

For at first, it seems fairly passive.

"tending not to judge other people harshly or unfairly : not too critical of other people."

"avoiding judgments based on one's personal and especially moral standards."

"not making or expressing an opinion regarding a person or thing; impartial avoiding or tending to avoid making value judgments; tolerant, liberal, etc.

 

 

That being said, there seems to be another more spiritual or conscious meaning to the word, non-judgement.

"In its simplest form, non-judgment is acceptance."

 And, I looked up Acceptance.

"the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered."

"the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.

Is it possible, that if you don't accept a truth, fact or behavior...you are judging - If non-judgment is acceptance?

That those who feel it is kinder or more christian-like to not judge are actually judging when they don't consent to receive this new information?

Could it be possible that the very act of not changing their minds is judging reality based on their personal values and believes.

What they feel is non-judging, is really judging; due to their non-acceptance.

How I felt about non-judgment, when viewing it from the meaning of acceptance, was to accept all things.   

There was nothing I was unwilling to accept.  And, in the act of receiving all manner of truths; I responded in-kind.

It is to be, as Byron Katie says, a Lover of Reality.  

I had to school myself to LOVE what is, and not hate and reject certain parts of life that are hard to take in.

In fact, the harder it is to accept something, the further you are from reality.

It amazes me that we will argue with reality.  And, again Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time.

When you don't accept reality, all of it, you are believing in something that isn't real.

The non-acceptance has you building another reality.

What is most astounding, are the sheer numbers that don't reside in reality.

In their minds.

And, what I have found, is that dialoguing with these folks is a useless exercise.

For, in their minds - their minds are made up. 

There is a payoff for not changing their minds to see reality.

Often it is to keep a husband, to be accepted by a group...to live their dream life.

The body is in reality, and mind has not followed.  So, they live more in their minds than with what Is.

And, we call this 'normal'.

When I was struck dumb by how much my mind had created, compared to reality.  I vowed to follow the truth...and find normal. What I soon discovered was that I wasn't the only one who lived a few steps from reality.  It seemed most did.  Normal wasn't living with the truth. Normal as we call it, was to be selective with accepting reality.

This selective acceptance IS what creates havoc in our worlds.

As Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "Our left mind takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."  

Isn't it also very telling, when you can see the slip in other people's worlds, where they are not embracing all of life.   That you can see where their minds are deluded; but not yours.

What does it take to be non-judgmental, to be fully accepting of all things?

Why is this mere act so hard for people to live?

Why does it appear that living a deluded life is better than one of loving reality in all forms?

And, if you live with a deluded mind, is it easier to navigate the world?

To me, coming from the land of delusion, I am determined to see all.  And, to not have my mind contort reality.

I looked up Contort.  "Twist or bend out of its normal shape."

Not accepting what is, you then have to bend or twist and struggle to make it work in reality.

And, I often find myself belittled or called mental, because I won't distort reality.

My left mind doesn't work anymore.  I can't weave the most plausible story.  I can only work with what is.

Oddly, it makes my life easier and I have a harder time with the people whose minds love to contort reality.

Our language doesn't communicate with each other.

I can't see their contorted reality, and they can't see mine.  

I love what is....not what isn't.

Once you get used to the brilliance of reality in its raw form; its impossible to live outside of it.

Often it is just me and reality....but, what a great companion!  

My mind is at peace with What Is.

 

Based on False Pretenses.

Kindness, and its act of non-judging, creates a world outside of reality.  Where the bad behaviors are not seen, recognized, and a new reasonable conclusion brought in.

Instead, out of kindness, and to be more loving, truth is not accepted.

The many layers of consequences of non-judging astound me.

Is this sort of kindness, even kind?

And kind to whom?

Who benefits the most?

Is it really kind not to be in reality with someone?

Isn't it like playing pretend?

How did kindness and judging become at odds with each other?

The most non-judging among us are the most untruthful.

Who knew?

In my experience, religion teaches not to judge, and so I no longer trust religion. I know, this will not sit well with many.  I just don't see how I could support a system that continues to reject the truth.

What I knew was that my old religion played a huge part in keeping my father's secret; what I didn't know, was how.

I mean I knew that they blessed his sins...to be good christians, you must.  But, I didn't know that by rejecting his truths over and over, they were literally living in a reality where abuse didn't live.

The enormity of not judging someone to be kinder or a better christian, is mind blowing at best.

To live in two worlds simultaneously...yet only one world gets talked about.

The fake one.

The truth is the silent reality no one talks about or acts upon...but it is there humming along in the background of your life.

There is a breaking point for everyone. A time when all the unspoken, un-judged truths become too much to over-ride.

When your ability to juggle two worlds collapses.

You will pick one.

I had read in Melody Beatte's book "Co-dependent No More" that 85% of folks who have a tragic truth enter into their worlds, will do more of what they did before.  Like folks who drank to get through life, will drink more after a huge event pops into their world.  

That leaves 15% who will change their lives after a tragic, upsetting event.

What I see now, is that 85% can't take the truth in and make a reasonable conclusion and adjust their worlds.  They are unable to judge the new information.  But, in order to keep this fake world going they have to do more to keep unaware. 

Drink more, sleep more, more drugs, more busy, work more, etc...just to keep the distance between them and reality.

The inability to be with the severe truths of life, is what keeps addictions going.  Perhaps the distance between your fake world and the real world is the volume of anxiety that stretches in between.

What I know, is that while it was very traumatic to own the truths of my family initially, being with the truth has brought me peace, love and joy.

My ability to reason a new conclusion of how I would engage or not engage with folks due to the truths of my life, has empowered me.

Kindness and the inability to judge is very life constricting.

You have to maintain a false life; which is very tough to do.

A false pretense.

I looked up the meaning of False Pretense.

" is the obtaining of property by intentionally misrepresenting a past or existing fact."

The property is life.

To get the life you want by misrepresenting a past or existing fact or facts.

It is to life a life that appears perfect; but you got it under false pretenses.

What I know for sure, is that when the truth crashed into my fake life, I was left without an identity.  Or at least one that I was comfortable with.

The truthful me wasn't accepted by those living a false life and who wanted to keep it.

And, I literally was incapable of lying to myself anymore.

I wasn't able to pretend to pretend to pretend.

It is just good to understand the ramifications of living under false pretenses...that are gotten from non-judgement.

My experience with people who are non-judgmental, is that they are non-accepting to new information that will tarnish the reputation or character of a person they know.

They are choosing by non-judging; not acceptance of truth.

Do you notice, too...that they will only be non-judgmental about family and friends; but can see clearly when it is a person they are not attached to.

They will protect and posture to keep their false worlds going.

You don't even know, know, know, that with kindness, you are creating a world that is far from reality.  You just want to be kind and loving with family....and friends.

But, in the end, you truly don't end up with a kind loving family. You end up with all the truths, you didn't want to accept.

Everything that wasn't based on truth and reality....slips away like a night time dream...leaving you with nothing to hold on to but the raw truth.

So, when you think it is kinder to be non-judging, at least tell yourself the truth and know you are creating a relationship based on false pretenses.

 

I am betting that Free Spirits live only in one reality...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Me!

The legacy that was my inheritance from generation upon generation, is the lack of worth.

I know, many will mentally dispute this; but feel its truth, to their bones.

Low self-worth was the common bond in so many areas of my life.

My mother's inability to judge stemmed from her lack of self-worth.

Her religion fed this system.  

I believe many think, that the cycles of abuse can be broken by love.

Just love and be kinder.

What I know to be true, is without self-worth or feeling your own value, you can't love.

It is an old and tired saying, "you have to love yourself first"...but it's true.

How many can even articulate or discern what self love looks like?  

Are you willing to have an authentic, truthful, loving relationship with your Self IF it means stepping away from others.  

And, can you be self-loving without judging others?

How can you take care of yourself IF you can't walk away from relationships that dishonor or disrespect you?

How can you honor and respect yourself if you are incapable of saying "No"?

Isn't it incredibly hard to believe that we have allowed ourselves to be lulled into a lifestyle where our ability to judge and discern was taken away from us...in order to be part of a family.  

We have given up our own personal rights in order to be in relationships.

It is to leave our self-love at the door, as we enter in.

What I know to be true, in my experience, is that in order for me to go back to my family of origin, to return into their good graces, I would have to leave behind my power of judging and my self-love word... of "No".

I would have to leave me behind.

This may sound harsh and ridiculous by many...but I am quite serious.

The only way, denial was able to keep such a strong hold in my world, was that I agreed to not see, and certainly not speak, about my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.  I had to give up my ability to judge and say no.  I was to blend in to the lowest level of self worth; needing nothing.  My self had to disappear.  

If I could properly express the magnitude of the consequences of being non-judging, it would change the planet radically overnight.

Imagine IF you will, having the ability to be 100% truthful to yourself and have it expressed in the world?

Not having the ability to make reasonable conclusions about others, leaves you powerless and at the mercy of their ill will.

I have said before, that Love is free.  It is to be free to say yes or to say no, to come and to go...anything less is not love.

Judging is the tool that allows you freedom of choice.

Without it, you are a prisoner in your own life.  Unable to do and say as you please.

It is to be locked up in your mind.

Believing that you will lose the love you have, IF you were to be freely you.

If you are not free, is it love?

If you are unable to say "No", it is not love, it's being owned by another's happiness or peace.

You are connected by the bond that keeps them happy. Not you.

And, that isn't love, but co-dependency, where you are their happy maker.

Again, having the ability to say "No" is self-love.

As Byron Katie says, "If you can't say "No", then I don't trust your "Yes".

You can judge your love by your ability to be freely you.

My greatest pattern that I set in place is self-love.

It required me to lose all that I had known.  And, all that I had known wasn't love; for it didn't accept me as Me.

The most terrifying moment in my life, was when I realized there was no Me.  I had no clue who I was without doing or being for someone else.  I alone, was no one.

I had to rebuild me at 46. I am now 10 years old as the new me.

If you disappear when disconnected from others OR actually to be with others...it is not love.

I found my love...by saying No.

Actually, I can....say No and judge and Be Me!

 

Priceless!

The impact of being taught not to judge leaves us living a life without boundaries.

If you can't disconnect in a relationship due to bad behavior, when would you disconnect?

The crux of my incredulousness, has to be this vein of thought; that judging is wrong and who are you to judge?  

It is a direct shot at your own self-esteem, worth, and value.

Not only is the focus deflected off of the person who is acting poorly; but the victim's self worth is now in question.  

It is highly suggested, that only the folks who have lived a sin free life can judge...the rest have no right to separate themselves from the riff raff of society.

Only the perfect can set boundaries...but they will tell you, there is no perfect human being, so no one on the human plane has the right to judge another...leaving only God to judge.  

This leaves us with no choice but to remain civil, kind and loving, no matter how we are treated.

It is a mindset that keeps the good folks feeling less than....and unable to stand against those who harm them.  

A society where we are all equal; but in a lesser degree.

To lower the common denominator to the value of the abuser/sinner/wrongdoer.

This to me IS what makes a dysfunctional family dysfunctional.  We are all brought down to the lowest level in the home.

How can a family end abuse, when there is no self-worth or self-esteem?  And, how can you get it when you don't have the right to set up boundaries; due to their low value of you?

I know, that I am seen as insane, mental, cold hearted, judging, etc, etc, etc.  Just for the simple fact, that I set up boundaries.  I didn't abuse anyone...but, I did set up boundaries.  This is the ultimate of bad behavior in the eyes of many.

The ill behavior, okay criminal behavior of my father wasn't as egregious as mine.

My daring to actually, and reasonably conclude a new opinion was the ultimate breech in many relationships.  I could no longer be trusted to not see and blindly get along.

This unruly behavior of my judging, was not accepted.

Who did I think I was, to judge someone and set up boundaries?

It has never been about what my father did to me, but my value as a human being.

I wasn't seen as someone of value, to protect or treat kindly.

It wasn't that the sin was of great value; but that I wasn't.

Our worth has to be great in their eyes in order to not hurt or protect....and in their eyes, I wasn't.  It isn't about the sin or crime, but about our value.  Somehow I was equal to my father's crime, in value.  Worthy of abuse.

When an individual has no value within a family unit....abuse is not only common, but the norm.

In homes where the child and individual are valued, there will be no abuse....whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual.  

Abuse can't happen when self value is present.

When you feel worthy...you see worth.

When you feel value....you value others.

The only reason abuse can flourish IS when there is no sense of self worth for self and others.

When you feel the right to judge, you have value.

And, when you feel valuable, you will no longer stay in relationships that lower who you are.

I love myself enough....to Judge!

I value myself enough to Judge.

I love that I am worthy to judge!

This pattern of self-worth is what changes a home from dysfunctional to love.

In my home we now have value.

Each individual is priceless!

 

 

 

 

Free to Judge!

How many times have you said or heard, "I don't want to judge him/her...."

I have been in a few conversations lately, where a person will express herself about someone doing something wrong....and then say, "but, I don't want to judge them..."

What does the action of judgment look like and why are so many not willing to act out the feelings of judgment.

I had to go and look up the word "judge" again.

"a public official appointed to decide cases in a court of law."  And, "form an opinion or conclusion about."

Here is what I feel is true about folks who say "I don't want to judge him."

What they are saying is that they don't want to change their opinions about him or her.  They don't want form a new conclusion based on the latest behavior.

I love that I know this.

My focus before had been on the person being 'judged' and Not the person who was wrestling with the new information and then not willing to use this information...for it would have them with a new conclusion or opinion about the person in question.

Many religious folks will say, "I will let God be the judge..."  and continue on in a relationship or for certain, not form any boundaries against another person....for they feel it is more christian like to love all; without judgement.

I however, have an issue with this type of being in the world, where there isn't anything anyone can do to make you judge them.  You will remain loving, kind and non-judging of them.  It leaves the abusers/perpetrators and ill behaved folks, all in your good favor.   You refuse to change your mind about who they are and how they live.  

Why is this?

Why do so many leave the judging to God and continue on in relationships with those who hurt them and others repeatedly?

What I know....is that it is much harder to live a life where you consciously form conclusions.

I must go and see what the definition of conclusion is.

"the end or finish of an event or process."  And, "a judgment or decision reached by reasoning.

Is it the reasoning that stops us...or the knowing it will be the end of what we have had?

All I know, is that when you say, "you don't want to judge someone", it isn't about the person who is misbehaving, it is about you.

You don't want to reason, to see reality, to feel the truth and then have to act upon it.  You don't want to reach a new conclusion, for then you will have to move through your life in a new way.

Isn't it interesting how this changes the act of judging.

It is much more about you and what it will cost you and how your life will change and it has very little to do with the person you are judging.

For, it is my experience, that people will say, "I know he is an abuser...but, who am I to judge?  Making it seem like you are less for forming a new opinion.

Instead of making him less due to his abusive ways.

How dysfunctional to have the belief, that forming new opinions after a negative encounter, makes you worse; not them.

I love that I am free to judge!

Art of Words

In listening to, "Silent Sister" by Diane Chamberlin....she had a line...."Anxiety entered the car, like a third passenger."

I loved this description. 

It shows the hugeness of what we carry.

Mine would read, "Denial entered the car like a third person.

It truly lives with us like a siamese twin.

An unwanted passenger that speaks for us and makes choices based up its needs. It truly is a passenger in our lives that has the drivers seat.

Another part in this fictional book, she talks about healing the Mind and the Soul, as two very different things.

I wonder about this.

Did I have to heal my mind and then also heal my soul?  I would even say, my heart.

That it wasn't enough to just correct the definitions in my mind, but I had to allow my neglected soul to live...and my broken heart to mend.

The mind is where my thoughts about reality were corrected.

My soul had to speak its truth and live by it.

My heart had to separate itself from those whose love hurt.

I love how authors can write simple but deeply profound sentences.

Art of words.