About Forgiveness....from Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong".
"Rumbling with Forgiveness"
"I've been engaged in a full professional rumble with the concept of forgiveness for ten years. It has been glaringly absent from my work and all of my books. Why? Because I couldn't get to saturation - I couldn't find a meaningful pattern in all of my data."
"I got very close before I wrote "The Gifts, but right as the book was going to press, I did three interviews, and what I learned during those interviews fell completely outside the pattern. Ordinarily, that would be fine: Most research methodologies allow for what we call outliers. If there are one or two small exceptions in the data, that's okay as longs the majority fall within the pattern. In grounded theory, though, there can be no outliers. Every story matters, and for your hypothesis to be valid, all your categories and properties must fit, be revenant, and resonate with your data. If something doesn't work, you're not there yet. It's incredibly frustrating , but sticking to this principle hasn't failed me yet."
"Then, several years ago, I was at church listening to Joe talk about forgiveness. He was sharing his experience of counseling a couple who were on the brink of divorce after the woman discovered that her husband was having an affair. They were both devoted by the potential end of their marriage, but she couldn't forgive him for betraying her, and he couldn't seem to forgive himself, either. Joe looked up and said, "In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt."
"I instantly buried my head in my hands. It was as if someone had finally put the right sequence of numbers into a giant combination lock that I had been carrying around for years. The tumblers started turning and falling into place. Everything was clicking. That was the piece that was missing. Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief. I had been looking for patterns in people extending generosity and love, but not in people feeling grief. At that moment it struck me: Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving that the willingness to embrace grief in order to forgive. To be forgiven is to be loved."
"The death or ending that forgiveness necessitates comes in many shapes and forms. We many need to bury our expectations or dreams. We many need to relinquish the power that comes from "being right" or put to rest the idea that we can do what's in our hearts and still retain the support and approval others. Joe explained, "Whatever it is, it all has to go. It isn't good enough to box it up and set it aside. It has to die. It has to be grieved. That is a high price indeed. Sometimes, it's just too much."
"I spent the next couple of years revising the data through this new lens of forgiveness, this time including an ending, and the grief associate with that ending. I recoded and reworked my research, did more interviewing, and read through the literature. I wasn't surprised to find a growing number of empirical studies showing that forgiveness positively correlates with emotional, mental, and physical well-being. A strong and clear pattern was emerging. This pattern would be affirmed when I read The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Archbishop Desmond Tutut and his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu."
"Archbishop Tutu served as the chair of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and Reverend Mpho Tutu an Episcopal Priest, is the executive director of Desmond & Leah Tutu Legacy Foundation. The Book of Forgiving is one of the most important books I've ever read. I honestly did not have the words to adequately describe it to people after I finished it. It not only confirmed what I had learned about forgiveness from Joe, but also supported everything I learned about vulnerability, shame, courage, and the power of story. The book outlines a forgiveness practice that includes telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship Archbishop Tutu writes:
"To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that doesn't exclude hatred or anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: The depth of your love is show by the extent of your anger."
"However, when I talk of forgiveness, I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive, then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person, too."
So, forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act; its the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live. What the Tutus found in their work on forgiveness validates not just the importance of naming our experiences and owning our stories but also how rumbling with the process can lead to clarity, wisdom and self-love. So often we want easy and quick answers to complex struggles. We question our own bravery, and in the face of fear, we back down too early." Brene
What I know to be true, in my experience, is this is forgiveness. You are to literally sit with the loss and death of what was....and grieve. It will then change OR renew relationships, and they might die. This is a huge process to facilitate within yourself.
This isn't what I was taught in the FALC religion...or in my childhood home.
Imagine having this tool as a child and the freedom to use it?
Imagine having it today...
To me the great part of being sexual abused by someone you trust, and love, and are indebted to for food and shelter, is we are not able to end the relationship.
We are instead forced to internalize our grief and carry on as if nothing traumatic has happened.
It is the combination that destroys our soul.
If you were abused by a stranger; you don't have to keep company with them....ever.
The definition of Forgiveness above, is one that keeps reality real.
And, it empowers you....even if you have to face the grief accepting a new reality.
