Once again I have misunderstood, or failed to appreciate, the spectrum and the effects of being abused. How some lives are beyond difficult to manage and how others never reach a place of peace and wellness.
Peace and wellness or even wholeness comes in waves and spurts...starts and stops. What I didn't know, is that while I feel I have been able to continue rising....others are left with an awkward life.
A life that is very difficult to live.
A life that doesn't appear to improve....but is maintained.
My ability to work, to have a loving relationship, to create art, to do yoga, to speak my truth, to speak out loud, to exit toxic relationships, to honor others when they need space, to grant me space, to try new things, to travel, to write, to change the pattern of my childhood, to grow emotionally beyond my abuse, to intellectually expand my awareness, to connect with others...etc, all this wealth is beyond what many experience AFTER abuse.
Some get left broken.
I am damaged; but have been able to rise to a place that the abuse doesn't live out my life.
I don't know the difference between us...How I was able to wriggle free of so many constraints that hold them prisoner. Fears, anxiety, depression, addictions, to name a few.
My main effect was denial.
And, the only way out of denial is to embrace reality and truth.
In doing so, I have lost many relationships.
But, I feel that having a strong hold on reality spares me the side-effects of denial.
I had a few sorrowful days, as I listened to "Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson. Hearing about so many who are in prison...whose lives of abuse had terrible side-effects.
I think, I thought....it was possible for all to reach a state of wellness/wholeness/peace/reality/love/harmony of mind, body and soul.
When in fact, some of the damage is just too deep.
This book also shows that evil isn't only the abusers, but that there are so many who fail to adhere to the truth and justice of life. And, yet they hold a place in society that wields power over victims of crimes...many who are victims of abuse.
The abuse after abuse is when others don't recognize the truth...and/or believe it.
I felt the heavy burden of humanity. The wrongs committed by far to many people.
I am grateful beyond words where I ended up.
The things I lost....were nothing compared to what I have been able to hold onto...my peace, my love, my joy, my body, my mind, and my soul.
"I have lost the world; but have found Me.
I have found my strength, my courage and fearlessness...while others remain behind the gate to freedom...broken and too cripple to find themselves.
Grateful...is too small of a word for what I feel.
Just Mercy for those who are lost.
