The idea that my mother sees me as Unforgiving IS the reason most children do not accept their abuse. They don't want to un-shine in their parents eyes.
This feeling of being 'less' in my mother's eyes is hurtful.
And, it is due to the fact that I will not overlook the behaviors of her husband and herself for that matter; when it comes to the sexual abuse I experienced in their home.
I am LESS because of it.
Imagine.
No wonder I carried for the feeling of not being good enough. I read the readings from my mother's heart. Unforgiving child.
Not wounded little girl.
Not innocent in the act of abuse.
But Unforgiving.
That carries such a loaded weight of negativity.
I felt within my painful hip today...that this was my baseline image of me.
Unforgiving.
That I had to dance to a myriad of tunes in everyone's life....so they would not see the unforgiving child.
What a righteous spot my mother choose for herself. "I will forgive, my unforgiving child."
Giving me the slot for being negative to her positive kindness.
Incredible.
With tears in my eyes, I knew I wasn't unforgiving...as I stretched and breathed through my hip pain. It wasn't that I was unforgiving. It was that I believed my mother's feelings about me.
Alice Miller said, "We see ourselves in our mother's eyes."
This is why I have had to try so damn hard to 'look' better.
To be the people (mother) pleaser.
It wasn't that the act my father inflicted upon me that was unforgivable. It was that I didn't (at 46) just 'forgive and move on'. I didn't wipe it away....and, that was unforgivable.
Not the act.
But, the fact that I didn't remove the act from our relationship...I was Unforgivable.
This is a terrible blow or as some call it, "the second wounding" to be seen and treated as being unforgiving...after being abused.
When abuse happens in a family with a parent and you choose to end relationships. YOU ARE the UNFORGIVING ONE.
Not, the abuser.
This is insane, and why so many victims of abuse live for years with an inner landscape of unworthiness...as their set point for life.
And that is how my family of origin has earned its definition of dysfunctional.
When I am seen and treated as the unforgiving one...therein lies the problem.
Today in yoga, as I massaged my hip I know to the depth of my being, I am not unforgiving. I am not who I see in my mother's eyes.
It is no wonder I had to go out and find myself, my innocence and to heal myself away from her. In her eyes, I would always be the unforgivable child.
This releases me. For no matter what I do, or say...her view of me is....the view of herself.
I forgive her, for I know, that until you find your love, peace and joy inside. You will forever see the world as a reflection of you.
