The familiar handwriting appeared on a card yesterday... my mother's.
Inside....
"...I forgive you for not forgiving me. Will always love you. Sorry I wasn't the type of Mother you needed."
I don't really know what to do with these words; as familiar as her handwriting.
She feels my non-forgiveness...and yet I have forgiven her.
In the way I see forgiveness.
"Accepting that the past can be no different..."
I am not carrying negative energies about her.
I am not wanting HER to be different than she is.
I have accepted who she is and the reality of her actions.
And, in doing so, I have chosen to end my relationship with her.
I am not sitting here holding onto grudges or wanting reality to be different or to have had a different past and even wanting a different "Type" of mother.
I am in complete and utter peace with who she is.
I have said good-bye to the illusion of a mother that opposes reality.
The forgiveness I have given her is to fully accept the truth of who she is.
To NOT want from her; that which she is incapable of giving.
In the process of healing myself or more accurately coming to grips with reality and leaving the illusion behind...I came face to face with the untruths about myself.
The illusional me and the reality me were worlds apart.
I had to earn my way back to being the kind of mother I needed as a child.
I didn't expect anyone to accept me at a lower self.
I expected me to rise to a higher Me.
I expected me to make tough choices.
To set up severe boundaries.
To have my actions match my words.
She is allowed to be any type of person she chooses to be.
I too, get the same freedom.
I am grateful she held the old pattern in place for me to see clearly what not to do.
She forgives Me for not forgiving her.
I wonder if I was the 'sin' that she couldn't forgive...
If my stance was unforgivable...but is something she worked to forgive.
My stance, my whole journey since our parting, has been to accept reality and its truth and to be authentically Me.
This to me is more of what she is forgiving me for.
For being my truth.
A sin, perhaps, in her eyes.
Maybe she is accepting me....for who I am.
An unforgiving daughter.
Interesting to note....I am the unforgiving daughter....the one who would not accept that the past could be any different.
In her eyes; If I could see the past differently....I would be forgiving.
Even for my mother.
I say No to your request
and, say Yes to Me.
The type of person I needed; I found within me.
