"I just decided to stop hurting myself with food" is what a young friend said to me. These words sat with me all day yesterday.
As I was clomping along on my snowshoes, after about 35 minutes, I thought about self-harm and how it keeps us at the level of our abusers. They have stopped hurting us, and yet we pick up where they left off.
I wondered why?
I had thought that food was a deadener. It kept our feelings down. I didn't realize that it kept me hurting me.
Keeping me hurting me, then....had me understanding, that it kept me as low as the perpetrator. It kept me from feeling/thinking/knowing how wrong it was.
I may not be able to articulate this.
But, when you rise higher, when you accomplish goals, and get mentally and physically fit, you are then able to see more clearly, the reality of abuse.
It is hard to all be sitting in the same low spot and see that you are low.
But, once you start to climb out; you gain many new perspectives.
I didn't think, that eating poorly was self harm.
I am guess I didn't feel yucky. My body oddly tolerates many bad things.
However, as this wise young friend suggested; you may not know how bad you feel, until you feel good.
This again stuck with me.
How can I know what it feels like to feel good - If I haven't been in a place with healthy eating and exercise?
I feel good.
But, good compared to what?
Not being sick...or hurting?
On the goodness scale I have yet to reach towards the side of clean eating and physical achievements.
This is exciting to me.
And, daunting.
Food will now have the ability towards 'feeling great' or just feeling okay.
I will have to monitor how I feel after.
I love that there is happiness food...and I will seek to eat more of it.
This upcoming Hike, has opened so many new doorways that previously I walked by.
I have spent the past 57 years unaware of the highest end of the physical scale - and my plan is to investigate its furthest reaches.
It is scary and exciting.
Already, I have a better plank...and my chest is expanding for more wind!
I am a beginner...
Well, actually, I did a 150 mile bike ride once...while carrying a carton of cigarettes in my backpack, smoking as I biked. I also hiked Isle Royal the same way.
Now, I will venture into the land of wellness and nature's adventures.
I have walked bravely into my inner journey of wellness....now, it is time to conquer my outer journey of being physically fit. To bring my body to where my spirit is....
On the highest end of joy!
