IMPERFECT Lady

Neutralizes Shame

"The opposite of shame is empathy"  Brene Brown

I caught the beginning of an act of shame.  As I drove away, the context of what was happening dawned on me.  He was trying to shame them into good behavior.

Is that even possible?

He had a smile on his face...he was pleased with what he had come up with to gain compliance by a few folks who ignored the rules.

It wasn't what the sign said, nor the non-compliance...but rather how pleased he was for singling them out...that stayed with me.

His pleasure at shaming him...showed his character. 

I pondered his response to clients who were disrespecting the rules, and realized this was familiar.

The old me would have approved.

I used to use shame as a way to control others and make them behave.

It seems insane to me now.

But, when I was powerless...I made those with less power...even less powerful.

To use shame to get others to respect rules...is to use disrespectful behavior and expect to be respected.  It is all twisted up and backwards.

My old mothering reflected this insanity.

I don't know for sure what changed my shame based mothering to empathetic?

It must have something to do with my acceptance of my abuse and the lack of shame about being abused...that changed me.

The old me would derisively point out others faults to raise me up.

Silently...

or out loud.

Putting them down to be higher.

What an exhausting way to live...and so powerless.

Using someone else to feel powerful.

Co-dependent for sure.

As I neutralized the shame, I no longer needed anyone to be lower than I, to feel my own worth.  I no longer needed shame.

Imagine. I used shaming others to feel powerful. Lower them to raise me up, without a care to how it left them being.  

In fact, somehow in my twisted mind, I believed that they would see the error of their ways and comply...

Like I was doing them a favor for pointing out their shortcomings.

I know this was a learned behavior, either from the church or from how I was raised...or both.  

It was only when I found peace with my abuse; did I learn to interact with others on an even playing field.  

I can recall feeling so inept with allowing others to control their own worlds...in letting go of being dependent upon them for my self-worth.

It was to be completely empty...but, not worthless.

There was a line in a book I was listening to....and he said he was emptied from the experience of being a prisoner of war....and that all he wanted to do now, was to fill himself with joy.  "Unbroken" is the name of the book.

This made sense to me.

I too recall feeling of wanting to go out and find things that brought me love, peace and joy.

I guess, when you have been emptied of shame....there is a wide open space to be filled...

My soul was thirsty for things I loved...even to know love.

I was no longer tolerant of things that didn't feel like peace...and no longer tolerated untruths that stole my peace.

Joy was a feeling I longed for...and captured in a 1,000 different ways. 

I came alive...or lived for the first time; when I no longer felt ashamed.

It is interesting, I felt ashamed...before I knew my truth. 

And, when my denial broke...shame left me.

I was an empty me...waiting for me to find things that reflected who I was.  

I began to build me.

What is interesting to me, is that I no longer felt shame or ashamed of my truth....and yet others treated me as something shameful.

It is like the inner shame became outer shame. But the outer shame had no impact on me...for inside of me I was filled with empathy for me and my journey....my truth.

It is so much better having shame on the outside as others view you....compared to feeling that you are shame.

Once I felt shameless...nothing anyone can say or do will be able to put it back inside of me.

Truth and self-acceptance neutralizes shame.

 

 

Comfortable with Confrontations.

"Honesty is confrontational" Aziz Ansari 

I hadn't thought of honesty confronting anyone; but of course that is why it is seldom spoken.

It has me thinking about all my own honesty and its costs...and the courage it takes to be honest. 

You not only have to be willing to be in a confrontational situation...But, you also have to know where you stand and why.

Honesty isn't so much about the other person but it does require you to know your own values and morals and be willing to stand for them.

Honesty is typically spoken to someone or displayed by your actions.

It is to put your Self out there.

Becoming a target for confrontation.

Being honest was a muscle I had to develop. It grew each time I stood against someone and didn't capitulate toward their line of reasoning.

I stood my ground and my truth; was honest with myself and others...and my self-worth grew.

Today, while doing yoga, in my painful areas, I sometimes rub and ask..."what is your message?"  What came to me today, is "There's nothing to forgive."

I took that in.

I felt the release of knowing..."Forgiveness" wasn't my job.  

I don't have to be sorry for my honesty.....NOR, do I have to forgive, to make them feel better.  

My life is my honesty.

My responsibility.

It is who I am.

I am willing to face confrontations to be Me.

The silence of many or perhaps the distance between us....I believe, is the lack of knowing their own honesty.

It doesn't matter where you go...in the end; all you have is your own honesty. Until you have to defend it, you may not even know who you are.  

In order to be honest, you have to become very comfortable with confrontations.

 

Hear Its Whine

The lazy mind is something that intrigues me.  It doesn't have to sweat or move like the muscles, and yet it continues to not like to exercise. 

What does it cost the mind when we are active?

And, what does it have to lose when we ignore it?

Is there a payoff for the mind when we are lazy?

I truly don't understand why the mind believes it is a winner when we accomplish nothing in a day.  

There was a time, in the not so distant past, where I thought a good day, was a day where I did very little.  Isn't this very odd thinking?  

Is this normal for all minds?

It puzzles me, how after sleeping for 8 hours, the mind will strongly suggest skipping yoga or exercises and even plans ahead for my free time after work....To DO NOTHING.

I truly don't understand this quirk of my thought processes. 

You would think, that the mind would love to go out and explore and see new things. That it would appreciate a very healthy happy physical body to ride around in.

Is it common for the mind to talk to the body and persuade it to do nothing?

Is the mind trained to think like this or is this thinking passed on from our parent's lazy minds?  

Does an active seeking mind have to be trained?

What is the tipping point where the mind gets excited and cheers on the physically fit body? How many hours/days does a person have to perform before the mind is convinced that THIS active life is by far more exciting and adventurous.

Are we conditioning the mind more than the body when we choose to set physical goals we will attempt to perform?

How long does it take to strengthen the weak mind so that it urges us out of bed and outside?

The weak mind is not my friend....but, I don't know how it was born and how it became such a part of my life?  When did I allow it to become my navigator and decider of what I would do each day?

I guess a huge part of becoming physically active IS to silent or question the weak non-sweating mind.

It acts like IT will be out there breaking trail.  All it truly does, is voice how hard it is, or let's turn around, or that's good enough.  Like a whiney negative friend.

I so want to put distance between me and it.

And, I guess the best way, is to keep doing the opposite of what it says.

I wonder if eventually it will go away and play with someone who isn't outside or concentrating on their yoga postures....or sweating with strength exercises?

I will picture this lazy mind like a very unhealthy friend whose trying to keep me from a life of wild adventure and feeling physically fit.

I guess the more I do, the less I will hear its whine.

 

The Whole Me.

"This is what changed my life. I finally recognized that the truth about me is that I possess infinite worth. I am innately infinitely valuable, and there’s absolutely nothing you or I can do to change this. Nothing.  Matt Pipkin

You can read the complete blog post at https://speakyoursilence.org/motivated-by-truth/

What struck me about this blog post are two things. That recognizing your own truth IS where our value is gained, and secondly he no longer considers himself a victim.

Matt is the founder of "Speak Your Silence" and his message is the meaning of the Orange Stitch I have been adding near my signature on many of my quilts.

I believe that once we speak out loud the truth of our pasts, we then start living a more truthful existence...and with that comes value.

I have been rejected for my truth.

And, this is the hardest part of walking a truthful path.

However my gains are immeasurable. 

He is right that he no longer considers himself a victim of sexual abuse....he has gone beyond that.

I believe that I have to.

And, each time I am faced with speaking my truth and not ruffling someone's feathers...or keeping my value...I too am no longer a victim.

This is the choice each of us face time and time again.

We can be victim to another's lie by agreement.

This is the heart of where abuse twists our minds and our perception of reality and our own self image.  When we agree to see something that we don't believe in.

It doesn't matter to me what you all do with your lives. 

What matters to me is how I label and see things.

In order to keep my valuableness to me...I will not not see that which is there.

We think, that by denial or looking away....we change reality.  We don't.

Instead it changes who we are.

It makes you worth less than reality...and not 100 percent with it.

Reality never loses or loses its power and value.

We do; when we choose to go against it...to keep a friend.

My greatest tool against abuse and leaving victimhood behind has been my ability to walk courageously with the truth...and to speak what many keep silent.

Speaking your silence is where you will find value.

Truth is the only thing measurable for your worth.

Who are you without the truth of your feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions?

 

If I have to silence my truth to be with you, I have lowered who I am to me...and then, you are and I are not getting the whole Me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Highest End of Joy

"I just decided to stop hurting myself with food" is what a young friend said to me.   These words sat with me all day yesterday.  

As I was clomping along on my snowshoes, after about 35 minutes, I thought about self-harm and how it keeps us at the level of our abusers.  They have stopped hurting us, and yet we pick up where they left off. 

I wondered why?

I had thought that food was a deadener.  It kept our feelings down.  I didn't realize that it kept me hurting me.

Keeping me hurting me, then....had me understanding, that it kept me as low as the perpetrator.  It kept me from feeling/thinking/knowing how wrong it was.

I may not be able to articulate this.

But, when you rise higher, when you accomplish goals, and get mentally and physically fit, you are then able to see more clearly, the reality of abuse.

It is hard to all be sitting in the same low spot and see that you are low.

But, once you start to climb out; you gain many new perspectives.

I didn't think, that eating poorly was self harm.

I am guess I didn't feel yucky. My body oddly tolerates many bad things.

However, as this wise young friend suggested; you may not know how bad you feel, until you feel good.

This again stuck with me.

How can I know what it feels like to feel good - If I haven't been in a place with healthy eating and exercise?

I feel good.

But, good compared to what?

Not being sick...or hurting?

On the goodness scale I have yet to reach towards the side of clean eating and physical achievements.

This is exciting to me.

And, daunting.

Food will now have the ability towards 'feeling great' or just feeling okay.

I will have to monitor how I feel after.

I love that there is happiness food...and I will seek to eat more of it.

This upcoming Hike, has opened so many new doorways that previously I walked by.

I have spent the past 57 years unaware of the highest end of the physical scale - and my plan is to investigate its furthest reaches.  

It is scary and exciting.

Already, I have a better plank...and my chest is expanding for more wind!  

I am a beginner...

Well, actually, I did a 150 mile bike ride once...while carrying a carton of cigarettes in my backpack, smoking as I biked.  I also hiked Isle Royal the same way.

Now, I will venture into the land of wellness and nature's adventures.

I have walked bravely into my inner journey of wellness....now, it is time to conquer my outer journey of being physically fit. To bring my body to where my spirit is....

On the highest end of joy!

 

Tag along.

I had my body measured last night...so, I can watch the changes in my body as I train for future backpacking.   But, there are other measurements that are already showing signs of improvement.

My wind.  

When I first began snowshoeing I had to stop to catch my breath.  Now, the breather stops are fewer and far between each other.  And, I learned while snowshoeing with others, that I don't need to stop; but just go slower until I catch my breath.

And, how I do the strength exercises.  The muscles that had been neglected for the past 50 years; are now growing stronger. I can do more repetitions before resting.

My hip with 'age related pain' is much less painful as I move about my day.

The activity in my week looks much more adventurous already.   Snowshoeing on the beach, in the fields and campfires decorated this week....along with Bikram Yoga and Strength movements like sit-ups and push-ups.

The tape measure will tell one story, but the more exciting story is the overview of how my life appears day to day...what I do, where I go and who I am playing with.

 My life measurements have increased dramatically.

Life is measured in moments...and by the things you say yes to.

and, what you dare to do...for the first time.

It is only mid January and already my life's measurements for this year are greatly improved from last year!

There are many ways to measure...and, I will measure mine by adventure, new experiences and with beautiful women who are willing to tag along!

 

Self-Confidence

Last night I dreamed another re-occurring dream; I am driving a vehicle up a very steep hill, and before I reach the top, I panic and usually wake up.  The road is so steep, that the vehicle has the potential to fall backwards, end over end, back down the hill.  I usually awaken freaked and happy I was spared.

Last night however I reached the top in my dream.  

And, I saw beautiful sights.  

I had, however, followed a woman who offered to lead the way. I just trusted her and followed.  

While in the shower, it came to me, that I am following women into the hike.  

I am trusting and doing as they say and it will lead to beautiful sights, new experiences and a sense of accomplishment.

I wonder about that dream that has a steep hill and one I panic on.

What caused me to panic over big dreams?

What did I fear so bad about reaching the top?

What had me 'feeling safe' when I didn't complete the steep climb?

Or more comfortable and content with failing?

The dream continuing on over the top and into a wildly beautiful landscape was so much better than waking in fright of falling.

And as I think of the following a woman of confidence...it could easily be me and my commitment to myself.

While it is extremely helpful to have leaders knowing what we need to do to be a successful 100 mile hiker...it is also key to have self confidence in your ability to try and then do each new strength builder.

To begin in a weakened state and continue to reach towards the next goal.  

There are moments this hike has me tearful and we are 274 days before we reach the trail.

The composition of the women I am hiking with.

The strength and dedication it will take to arrive there.

The wonder of how it will feel as we walk out at the end.

How we will change and what it will mean to us all.

The hill is steep...and each of us has to walk on our own.

Following the leader...

Self-Confidence.

 

 

Where I am

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

Wishing is so easy.  

It doesn't require anything of you.  

You sit in the position of waiting to be fulfilled. 

However, if you plan on reaching a goal, you are involved.  

You are putting yourself in the to the process of creating the outcome you have in mind.

And, in doing this, you have to have confidence in yourself to accomplish the steps needed for the plan to move towards the goal.

What is interesting to me...is how I am excited and afraid of the 100 mile hike.

The two emotions seems to be opposite.

I just read another quote on Facebook "If your goal does not scare and excite you at the same time, the goal is probably too small."

Today I am sitting with my fear of the strength building exercises...the ones I can't do very well...along with the fear of the hike.

While I am excited; I am terrified of not being able to do it.

Not only IT; but the training.  I even am afraid to do the strength exercise alone.  

What came to me, while I colored this afternoon was that I was expecting my weak self to be on the hike.  Or expecting my weak self to do the exercise like a pro.

My view of self and hike and all; was all out of sorts.

All I really have to do is be brave to start.

Be brave to get on the floor and do a plank as long as I can today.

Just do this moment well....and it will build upon itself.

The fear comes when we are not rational with ourselves.

I can't have muscles I have not built.

I can't get confidence until I keep trying them.

Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to do my strength builders.

I will bravely meet myself where I am!