IMPERFECT Lady

Art Therapy

On March 9th at 6pm at Copper Country Mental Health Institute, I will be giving a presentation on Art Therapy.   (it is free and all are welcome)

I was given a 'suggestion list' of what I could talk about...

-A definition of Art Therapy, summary and purpose

-How has Art Therapy helped you in your emotional life?

-Your background

-How is it different from an Art Class?

-Why can Art and the Creative Process help one struggling with emotional issues?

I typically arrive at the event and speak.

I prepare nothing.

I am not good at following a script...and feel nervous when contemplating a memorized piece...or if I am expected to follow a path of reasoning that is prepared ahead of time.

In creating Art, there is no pattern or path to follow...and, I am sure in life as well.

I am not sure there is a difference between doing Art and Art Therapy.

I think the process of Art IS therapy.

While playing with whatever art form you love, you will lose yourself in its grip. You will lose track of what in life you are struggling with. It is completely hard to hold on to the stress of life while playing with color and design and focusing on where the Art is taking you.

I can only speak from my experience of breaking out of denial and finding that I had no clue who I was.  When my life wasn't as I thought it was; neither was I.   Art held a space for me, where I still recognize this part of me...the creative part.

I was discovering my past and learning how I became who I was and had no idea who I would end up to be; and Art grounded me in reality when reality blew my mind.

I also believe, that Art is done from the side of the brain where logical and thoughtful beliefs don't live.

It was to escape my thinking mind to play.

I also believe that my Art was showing me who I was; before I knew Me. 

It was also showing me, I was okay long before I felt it would be possible to feel joy or love or peace again.

It was as if my soul resided in my art...

My breakdown was to go from living as a thinking mind person to a soul full one.

And, my Art led the way.

My art is done by feeling.

I feel joy in fabrics and excitement when odd ones seem to be pleased to be near each other. The unexpected colors engaged.

I believe I learned how to Feel through my art.

I learned how to express joy, love and peace in fabric...and design.

I LOVED my Lady....and one day understood that my lady was Me.

This is what I hope to express as I speak to the NAMI group.

I journaled and wrote and wrote and journaled to figure out how my life could have been lived for 46 in denial.  I wrote what the mind felt comfortable with and what my soul needed...learning about denial and how difficult it was to follow my soul, for its path led me away from family.

I walked in nature and found peace with things that remained fixed...a tree was a tree always.  Unlike my experience of sexual abuse (Incest); where family turns into monsters.

Art I would say was my future....self...by reconnecting me with my Self at the time of play.

Often my art didn't make sense to me until months and often years later.  I didn't know what I was doing, yet I knew it was profound and specific to me.

Art Therapy maybe is more personal.  There is a connection with each piece that holds deep meaning.  Or great emotion is sewn into the quilt.

It was as if I literally was stitching myself back together in Art.

The emotions of knowing you were sexually abused by a parent overwhelms the circuits we feel with.

I remember having emotions too big for our home and I had to leave and get outside.

It felt the universe was big enough to hold the volume of feelings that rushed and overloaded me.

At the same time the horrific feelings were being expressed....so were joyful ones being born.  

Art was a way for me to express joy.

It balanced my world. Otherwise, I felt like I could get lost in the sea of bad emotions.

I had to look up the definition of "Therapy".

"Treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder."

Perhaps the difference between Art and Art therapy is how you feel during and after.

If it relieves your sense of disorder....it is Art Therapy.

This is one of my earlier pieces...created in 2005- "Inside Out".  It was how I was learning to live....with fearless acceptance of what is.

 

 

 

Your Lens

From David Cowardin's book "Down South Justice"

"The words of Charles Bukowski's famed poem, 'Roll the Dice'..."

"If you are going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.  This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days.  It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail.  It could mean derision. It could mean mockery-isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are tests of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way.  There is no other feeling like that.  You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."

What I learned about the people Down South is that there are two sides; one working for the rights of animals and the other ignoring them completely.

The passion or mission that the rescuers live with is remarkable; how they are willing to go into dark places for the rights of innocent dogs.

It seems in order for humanity to see its own actions, there needs to be people out there willing to shine lights upon it.  Willing to step into the dark places and rescue the abused.  Even when all appears hopeless.  When it appears you are fighting generations of thinking that doesn't include empathy.  Or maybe where power is gotten by beating those weaker than you.  

Who among us are willing to lose it all in order to try and lend sway to an old mind set?  

You truly have to believe to the core of your being YOU are making a difference....in at least the very few lives you touch.  You can't change it all, but you can make change.

I applaud the people in the South who are going against the old mind set and affecting change in many animals lives...while trying to poke holes in old beliefs.

How interesting to see the worthless way they (abusers) view animals....and how that translates into other areas of their world.

David also writes about the correlation between how those abusing dogs cycle up to humans as well.

"Animal cruelty affects more than the animal, more than the rescuer, more than the taxpayers wallet, and more than a study correlating animal abuse with other domestic crimes. It leaves a permanent stain on society and immeasurable pain on innocent families."

"Aiden was in the first grade. He loved football. But he never was given a fair shot at a future. He became another tragedy of the culture of animal cruelty."  David

When David and I were filming my segment on "Call Me Mental" I told him, that victims of child sexual abuse were like these dogs he found Down South needing to be rescued....but, that their wounds were not clearly seen.

While he could clearly see the horrific abuse against animals...it wouldn't be so easy to show the scars of human to human abuse.

The heroes he writes about and the unthinkable abuses of animals seem to be clearly defined.  And, yet his story shows it is not.

Those who are abusing...are not aware.

For if they truly could see value in the animal....there would be no abuse.

And, then no need for rescuers.

The meer fact that there needs to be rescuers...means there are people who are unaware.

This unawareness towards the feelings of other is the cross roads for abuse.

Something within them can't see value or connect with another's feelings.

While it seems impossible that there are people who will willingly and righteously hurt animals; the same holds true for people.

Value and feelings are what is important; not the container in which they are held.

Perhaps what makes the efforts of rescue so maddening IS that we can't legislate value and feelings.

Just as in Child Abuse cases; we can't force parents to feel value or connect with feelings.

It is my humble belief that those who are abusing have zero self-value and are disconnected from their own feelings...for we truly see and project onto the world who we are.

And, many are just doing what generations before them have done.

Once powerless...they grow up and become the powerful; gaining their power by doing to others what was done to them.  The cycle continues.

There are those among us who are willing to roll the dice to end abuse.

As I finished this book last night...I remember looking at David across the table as I told him how alone I was...estranged from family.  And, he said, "you are not alone...you have me and many others."

He is right.

I thought of how many silently and boisterously are with me...how strangers have become friends.  

The new ones who I have friended have walked with me on this new pathway that cycles away from abuse. They have held spaces for me to speak and share my story...they have listened and offered compassion.

Many are doing what they can to help those who are trying to right themselves after abuse.  Some of my newest friends are like me.  They have traveled similar roads and are heading toward brighter futures...free from abuse.

The author of the poem is right.

"If you are going to try, go all the way."

I see no halfway out of abuse.

And on the other side are new people who see and feel your value.

Thanks David for being you!  I love how you share you completely as you investigate the lives of others. You strength is your vulnerability and we feel valued looking into your lens.

 

I See

"Determined not to repeat her mother's mistakes, Carmen Rita Wong reaches out." O Magazine

When I changed my attitude about sexual abuse, I veered off the path my mother trod.  

I know it seems a no brainer to be enraged and upset about sexual abuse of a child; your own child...but the church taught the opposite.  It preached it from its pulpit. 

Certainly not specifically about sexual abuse; but sin.

"There was no sin too great to forgive..."

They taught the opposite of anger....forgiveness.

In order to be a good christian woman, you had to keep the opposite feelings of anger..."

"the quality of having a friendly and pleasant manner; geniality...and charity."

This one simple and profound belief keeps abusers nestled snuggly within families...and children forever at risk of sexual abuse. No one is angry enough to walk out of families...or God forbid, "Be Unforgiving".

When is anger accepted within the church?  When are you able to 'not forgive'?

Even society at large is not real happy with anger, resentment and rage.

Is there a proper time to be angry?

Why are we so enamored with folks who are victims of violent crimes who hold no grudges against their perpetrators?  We see it at the ultimate act of humanity to be kind to those who are unkind.

It seems insane to me, when you read about the little quotes..."Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most." 

These unkind folks are to do nothing about their unkindness; but we have to be kinder.

Keep being kinder.

Will this make a kinder world?

IF, the loving or charitableness my mother bestowed upon my father cured him of his lust for little girls, then I would agree to kindness.

But all that her kindness did was to allow him free access to little girls for decades.

If the forgiveness of the church cured his lust for little girls, then I too would have agreed to forgiveness.  If its magical energy ended violence and evil I would be the biggest voice for it.

However, in my experience, it is a barrier to reacting appropriately to injustice.

It stops the victims from responding against the act of evil towards them...in their true form.

Fear.

Where else does PTSD come from...but fear of it happening again...or the residual affects of being terrified, horrified and in fear.

When you slap feelings of friendly and pleasant towards the abuser....over your feelings of fear, you are now in denial of your own self.

It is un-natural to feel pleasant and friendly towards someone who rapes you and that is what we are asking when we are asking for the victim to forgive.

Why are we opposed to feelings of anger?

Why are we expecting little children of abuse to not feel feelings of anger....

Which are "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility,"

Why are we expecting them to continue to love and trust after abuse?

We only expect this for those who were abused within the confines of family.

When a stranger abuses, we don't expect the child to have warm charitable pleasant feelings.

To do different than my mother; was to see the plight of the child.

To do whatever is necessary to distance myself from the abuser and those who support him...

The ones who are the most dangerous are the forgiving charitable folks...for it is their kindness that allows abuse to continue; unheeded.

I had to look up the word "Unheeded" to make sure that made sense.

And, OH does it ever. "heard or noticed but disregarded:"

This is what is so extremely maddening to me.  IS that it is heard, it is Noticed BUT it is disregarded.

What does disregarded mean?

"pay no attention to; ignore."

It is as if, I am the physical manifestation of abuse...and my words, my feelings, my truth are all disregarded.

Amazing in its blindness....the path my mother chose.

Determined not to repeat my mother's mistakes....I chose to see.

To see everything.

In its harshest of realities.

Nothing in reality will I forgive and hide away.

I see, when it makes you uncomfortable.

I see.

 

 

 

 

Circle of Abuse.

While doing yoga this morning, it came to me, that I have the right to be angry, to feel resentment or indignation.  I am not in the wrong. 

I tried to resurrect the feelings within me when I am faced with family...now.

And, I guess mostly I feel I am wrong.

Wrong to have set boundaries.

Wrong to have spoken/written about sexual abuse; my own.

Wrong to have asked for space.

Wrong when Others ask for space.

Wrong to feel anger.

Wrong to feel deserving of more than they could give.

Wrong to be estranged; to dare walk away.

"How dare you are Beth Ann?"....rings loud and clear - a song from legacies long ago.

How dare I try and change my legacy.

How dare I do different than so many women in my family.

How dare I tear apart denial.

How dare I point out their shortcomings....along with mine.

How dare I reach beyond their comfort zone.

How dare I be me.

How dare I seek truth.

Perhaps the greatest resentment is feeling wrong for being me.

For living my life as authentically as I can.

Another source of anger, is the lack of support from family, as I learned to walk a new pattern.   The silence rang their disapproval...along with their labels of "Mental" tossed easily my way.

I don't feel my family is intentionally hurting me, anymore than I am them.

It is the natural feelings that come with separation or with leaving dysfunctional relationships.  

Our feelings naturally change when behavior changes.

I am seen as the opposite of them....as they the opposite of me.

My anger and resentment fizzle out when I realize they are where I came from.

They are not aware.

Their awareness will come when its time to shine; and not before. 

It is not my job.

I am a threat to their beliefs...as well as the object that 'needs to be forgiven'.

My sadness comes from not being seen and understood. Or cheered as I crawled back to full power. And, that I am seen as wrong...while my parents were supported for being right. 

I don't know what it feels like to be part of a circle that has a real black sheep....an estranged one...on the outside.  

To be part of the 5 sisters that continue to gather and make new memories...while one 'wrong' one stays away.

To be a mother of 14 and have one refuse contact.

I know what it feels like to be on the outside; but not on the inside looking out to me.

All I know, is the silence or angry retorts, that early on, came my way.

I can't know what it feels like to have me out here writing...STILL all these years later.

I find that it has to be much easier to be inside with the majority.

"There is safety in numbers"...

The loneliness of being alone is  made better by the new friends I have made along the way.  But, regardless alone outside of family is unlike anything else I believe.

It is un-natural.

And, it sets you against those you shared so much of your life with.

It is to go against a huge part of your own self.

My anger, I guess, boils down to feeling that I am wrong and mental for being abused.

That I am insane, to embrace reality and truth.

And you know what....I dare be Beth Ann. 

I dare speak my own voice....out loud and in public.

I dare walk away from things that insult my self-worth.

I dare leave religions that bless away actions of predators.

I dare go silent with a mother who knew and turned away.

I dare go silent with a father who molests little girls.

I dare shut down relationships with those who silently carry on like normal.

I dare to be alone.

I dare change the pattern.

I dare to be wrong in your eyes to do what is right for Me.

I feel that my feelings of anger and resentment transformed into the courage... and dared to do things differently. To stand against family in support of the child.  Knowing I was going to lose so much in order to gain self-respect and self-love.

My anger left me while I dared to confront all the people and things that unconsciously supported the abuser.

I wonder if courage is the opposite of anger?

I looked up the "opposite of Anger" and one of the places said "Forgiveness".

Wow. 

Also, "amiability"....which I had to look up.

"the quality of having a friendly and pleasant manner; geniality."

and, Charity.

So, if you are not angry about abuse....you are in these categories.

I gave up all those friendly ways and found the courage to face abuse.

By the way, Anger's definition is "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility:"  

It's funny, but those are the feelings I felt coming from family...when I dared speak my silence.

I am allowed to feel anger...it is my right.

I will not have a pleasant manner towards abuse.

My latest Ladies are hiking ladies and I feel their triumph over obstacles. 

I am hopeful that hiking 100 miles will be easier than the hike to the outer circle of abuse.

What They Have to Say

I was curious enough to read this link....and see if there was something in it that would help my hip. http://www.drnorthrup.com/heal-arthritis-release-fear-anger/

One thing she mentioned was;  "Typically, arthritis on the left side of your body will have to do with relationships, creativity and other feminine qualities, or the women in your life."

How interesting this was.  

As well as this;

Express Your Emotions Then Release Them. Once you have identified the location and meaning of your arthritis, express the emotion(s) associated with it.
Start by placing a hand on your painful body part and say “This hurts.” If you have pain in more than one place, move your hand from one place to the other and simply repeat “This hurts,” or “I hurt here.”
Then say, “I choose to release this” then name your emotion or event. If you cannot name the emotion or event, you can say, “I now clear my anger, resentment and fear out of my joints.” Use this as you peel the layers and uncover the root cause of your arthritis.

I know that the body carries 'unexpressed' emotions and that the mind is also manifested in the body.   What I haven't identified with is hurt.

We can easily say, "I hurt"....but is it much harder to pinpoint the cause of the hurt and express our anger towards it.

I have explored and delved into the experiences of sexual abuse; but I am not so certain I have touched base with my hurt.

What hurt me the most?

What caused me physical and emotional pain?

How did this make me feel?

I have been most curious with the affects of abuse; but my engagement with anger was fairly short lived. Meaning it was expressed early on and in an unenlightened way.  My response wasn't carefully thought out or articulated.  Anger almost detached from me.

Touching directly with inner anger and resentment feels reckless.

Or perhaps it's scary for those are not easily liked or accepted emotions.

I even felt that anger and resentment were senseless emotions.  For they raged at something that couldn't be changed.

I didn't think of them riding along as pain...unexpressed.

How do you express rage and anger?

How do you reach in and greet something with such a loud volume?

Especially when you have been conditioned and taught to steer clear AND, when you were so young when the source of pain happened.  

I have others express more anger and rage about my sexual abuse than I.

It is interesting to me to note this.

I even think, early on, when I had glimmers of anger/rage/resentment....family was too horrified I was directing these emotions at someone they loved...and I had loved too.

There has to be a weird line that we wobble on when the cause of our anger is laced with love.

It is to be a traitor to love.

This I believe dampens the correct volume of expression.

It isn't politically correct to 'trash' your own bloodline.

So, where and how do we express hurt?

I sit with hurt.

It hurt me when you didn't love me as a little girl.

It hurt me when you didn't love me as a truthful adult woman.

It hurt me when you choose to worry about my father.

It hurt me when you didn't realize how hurt I was; then and now.

It hurts my heart.

It breaks my heart.

I hurt as I am out of the circle due to being abused.

I feel sad.

I can't connect to anger and resentment.

There seems to be a divide between hurt and anger.

That the two emotions can't exist together.

When I focus on the anger it is to expect something different than what you could offer.

When I focus on hurt, it is how I feel.

I don't want to hurt those who hurt me.

I want to be at peace with being out of the circle of family.

If all my anger and resentments were clear; would I still have joint pain?

I must get in touch with anger and resentment and hear what they have to say.

 

Apathy into Action

"I wanted to see what she sees so maybe I could better understand why these women continue swimming against a current that is just too strong and pulls them into eddies, tossing them in circles."  David Cowardin "Down South Justice

I love this analogy.  I love how there are those among us who continue to swim against the current for what we believe is right.

That there is a calling deep in our souls and we can't ignore a problem; but continue to do what we can to change the course of wrongs.

Another sentence that David wrote...."They're committed themselves to a cause that they admit is so depressing that they likely won't see the impact of their efforts in their lifetime."

I love this.

Love it in a way that I deeply understand.

It is beyond personal achievement.

It isn't about the self.

It's about the great good of the whole.

The frustrations in the dog rescue world is equal to the child abuse arena.

It isn't about money and legislation.

It is about changing the mindset that believes the incredible ideas of abuse.

I know it may be really hard to wrap your mind around the idea that some people are okay with abuse.  Not okay in the manner that are perpetrators; but okay in that they are unmoved by it.

They are unwilling to change their thoughts and beliefs about family and religions where abuse is fully supported by forgiving it.

Each of us is leaving a trail behind of the cost of our beliefs.

Nothing goes unnoticed.

As I was looking in my archives for a photograph, I happened upon a blog I posted about Alice Miller and her radical therapy, in that she looks at the past, the parents and the landscape of childhood.  

She writes.

The "Afterword to the Original Edition" at the end of "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware; society's betrayal of the child, Alice Miller writes.

"Before sending the manuscript of this book to the publisher, I gave it to four collegues to read who had shared in the development of my ideas through numerous discussions. The first one said that after our many conversations the material was no longer new to him and he was able to confirm my hypothesis on the basis of his practice. This reaction pleased me very much, since it indicated there was little likelihood that mine would be a lone voice among psychoanalysts. Another analyst said the scales had fallen from her eyes when she read my case presentations. She was relived to be able to cast aside the ballast from her training that she had never fully accepted and give more credence than before to her own findings and perceptions. The third colleague reacted the same way many parents did to my previous books, i.e., with guilt feelings. She said if my arguments were correct, that would mean she had made grave errors; she recalled patients who, as she now thought, had been desperately attempting to articulate their traumas, whereas she had always felt obligated to regard what they said as an expression of their childhood fantasies and desires. I could only tell my colleague that I had felt this way for a long time, too, and without that experience I would not have been able to write this book. Whether someone reacts to my views with sorrow and guilt feelings, or even with total denial, depends on his or her own history."

"My fouth colleague said she felt as though blinders had been removed from her eyes, but at the same time, now that she was seeing new connections, she was also feeling disloyal to her teachers, to whom she was grateful for a great deal and who had insisted that the drive theory was the central factor in analysis. Her observation gave me food for thought."

"Both sorrow and a conflict of loyalties will undoubtedly be required of us if we are to recognize and come to terms with "poisonous pedogagy's"influence on our childhood and specifically on our training as analysts. But if we succeed in working through our sorrow, we shall gain the freedom to judge for ourselves and with this the possibility and the right to make use of our own eyes and ears and to take our own perceptions seriously."

"The direction in which I have moved in writing this book as well as countless unfortunate childhoods I have read about in letters from my readers caused me to question how the truth could have remained hidden from me, too, for such a long time and what role the drive theory played in concealing it. It troubled me that so few of my colleagues were able to accompany me on my journey, and in trying to find the societal reasons for this, I came upon the drive theory, the Fourth Commandment, and the traditional methods of child-rearing, a combination of factors that explained the collective denial of childhood trauma. But this was my personal journey. My colleague's reactions showed me that the ways in which one can respond to new experiences can vary greatly; what led to a radical change of direction in my attempt to understand neurosis may elicit different responses in others. How we integrate new insights into our existing fund of knowledge depends on our character, our age, and our previous experiences. The discoveries I have made bear my own personal stamp and therefore cannot be prescribed for others. but the hypotheses I have adopted cane be examined, again from a personal perspective, and can serve as a basis for new findings. The purpose of this book is not to win support for my conclusions, for that would only encourage the uncritical stance I object to; rather, it is my hope that the findings I have presented here will challenge the readers to go on to make their own discoveries. Alice Miller

What I love about both David's insights into animal cruelty and those who are struggling to flip the mindset and Alice Miller in her discovering how therapy needs to change in order to work....is that both of them are working towards changing OUR thoughts.

It isn't the dogs that need to course correct.

It is more about our conditioning and thoughts and beliefs.

How we see helpless animals.

And, in Alice's case how we understand how adults seeking therapy...have gotten this way.

I almost feel we do have more empathy for a traumatized animal. We understand IF their former owners mistreated them, they will come with unjustified fears.

It doesn't cost us anything to go back into the lives of animals.

However, to truly see the affects of inhumane abuse of a child; it will require you to look deeply and truthfully at family and religion.

It will cost you.

I am just getting how truth isn't about what you say and experience.

How it is fully dependent upon the listeners world.

What will it cost them to hear your experience.

I know, I am tossing together abused animals and children...and those who are looking to shine lights upon a very disturbing subject.  

But, if we don't who will?

And, the more lights that shine upon it, the more regular folks will have to ask themselves what are they doing in their own lives that is more for the continuation of abuse....or that makes it harder on the abusers.

One more thing, that I LOVE about David Cowardin.... is what he writes about himself in his book.  

"I moved nervously in my seat, and refocused my attention to my camera.  It's something I was used to doing; if I felt uncomfortable in a situation, I would look at the scene through my camera, which helped me detach from reality of what was happening. I could think in numbers of shutter speed and aperture instead of feeling the emotions of fear and discomfort." 

Perhaps the greatest hurdle for the truth to be heard is to be comfortable with fear and discomfort.

I love that he is willing to swim into the current with us as we strive to swing the balance of apathy into action.

 

 

 

In Our Own Circle.

I have been asked to do a presentation for our local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) on March 9th. 

I had to look up the definition of Alliance - "association formed for mutual benefit".

I look forward to seeing what this chapter does in my area.

I am excited to do this and yet unsure of which direction I will speak from.

As I snowshoed today, I pondered my mental health...and my journey into it.

What things I had to give up in order to have mental peace and wellness.

How I am today or maybe who I am today...is directly related to my mental health.

I was in the same dinning room with an estranged sister last evening, while we had dinner; separately. Also a full table full of old church members.  Perhaps it was the combination of both that left me unsettled.

My attention was definitely split between our table and my past dining just a few feet away.

I couldn't  ignore neither their presence, nor how it feels in my body, to be near them.  

So what is mental illness or wellness?

Is it how you feel?

I had to look up "illness" to see its definition.

"a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind..."

Can an illness be anything that affects the body and mind?

Would it then not apply to people?

If some people affect your body...would it not then make you ill to be in their presence?

And, if a religion affects your mind wouldn't the same hold true?

I don't have a learned degree in mental illnesses; but I do know what affects my own body and mind. 

I could see or maybe feel the common alliance of mutual benefit of my sister to my family of origin...as well as the church family...and how I stood outside their circles.

My differences clashed...and I never seem to find the social level to stand upon.

Or maybe even the desire to engage...for I know that old road and its beliefs.

Something in me isn't willing to reach out...to cross back over that line.

Mostly, I just want distance.

But distance is hard when there is a past.

You can only pretend you have nothing in common.

They will always be part of who I was....and am.

I will always hold the spot outside of their circle...for my wellness needs this space.

I don't believe either of us will ever be unaffected when in each other's presence.

The inside and outside are separated by our individual needs to be where we are.

Our different needs are worlds apart.

It was to see my old illness...to feel its affect on me.

Denying how both family and church affected me...was my mental illness.

I am mentally healthy when I am aware of how it feels...and not try to engage for their peace.

It was to be dipped back into the past to feel it...once again.

A woman came up to our table and told how my mother sent a card to her 91 year old mother....how nice, she said.  

Nice.

Hmmm, this is where our differences lie.  

Where, between our two circles, can we meet and agree...

I may appear mental to them all...but, I am quite sane to me.

Perhaps mental illness depends upon which circle you are standing on...and in which direction you are looking.  Maybe we all feel completely sane...in our own circle.

 

 

 

They Call Love...and Faith

Are you controlled IF you agree with the sentiment that is controlling you?  Are you held prisoner if you want to be there?  If you gave up your rights to your own body to be loved and accepted, are you then not a participant, or at very least a contributor, to your lack of freedom?

What occurred to me, is that many (or most) women of the FALC, is that they were taught from childhood to relinquish their rights to their own bodies. They agreed by not revolting against it.

Certainly, they were children when this game began and it was orchestrated by those in power in their worlds.  Love and Fear were mixed into the equation.

They don't feel controlled; but loved when they gave up their individual freedom.

Love, to them is captivity, or the lack of personal freedom.

Others loved them more when they went along with the program of being voiceless and choiceless.

To try now to undo the years of conditioning and to separate themselves from this tangle of love bonds...is incredibly hard.

We gave up our freedom for Love.

Now, in order to regain our freedom, we will lose the love.

What some see as controlling; we see as love.

And, IS this love...to be controlled by another?

This unique partnership of agreeing to be controlled, camouflages the wrongness.

We tend to think of control as feeling powerless, not feeling loved and accepted.

I once again, feel it tough to articulate how the intricacies of this works so brilliantly when the person without power WANTS it.

When the controlled person believes it is their Faith.

And, that they are living a life that God wants.

He wants them to be powerless; that Man and God have the right to their bodies...but, not themselves.

Is someone who ardently wants to be a 'good christian' by relinquishing all rights to their own bodies...being controlled?

And, isn't this the perfect recipe for brainwashing?

Where the victim actually believes IT is what they want.

To change their minds to live their lives by the wishes, beliefs and desires of others.

Giving up their own personal choices, wishes and dreams...in order to be a great team player...in family and church.

Isn't this the true meaning of Martyr?

To be killed for her beliefs....and yet the person who dies, is yourself.

You have to let go of who you were born to be in order to be loved and accepted by family and religion.

How do you grab the attention of a woman who has given up her own life to be loved and to be a good christian woman?  Who are you actually talking to?

I feel that so many women are clones or the walking dead for the church.

Their separate identities are lost and before they even had a time to be formed; they were molded into the image the church needed.

The very reason, that I found myself at 46, completely empty when I lost my church and family.  Without them, I had no idea who I was...where I was going.   I was lost, I didn't know who I was; but I was going to go and find Me.

I don't believe that other women will wake up to this same fact, until that which they believes loves them...fails them completely.

It wasn't that I seen there was no Me...but rather that which I thought was love was not and those I called family....were abusive and the church that I thought had high morals and values; didn't have any.

I guess I saw the machine that controlled me as evil...and unloving.  My definition of love was empty.

I am not sure what was more shocking to see the reality of abuse OR the absence of Me.

When I took my power back and gave myself the freedom of choice...I began discovering love.

Love of self

Love of life

Love that is Love

My definition of love is freedom.

And, I am very wary of anything or anybody that seeks to control me.

Control is not love...

I had to look up the word control.

"the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events:"

 

The only power love has, is freedom to be you.  

If you are under the influence of others...it isn't love; but control.

If you agree to give up your personal freedoms...it is brainwashing; not love...and not a spiritual practice; but a controlling religion.

In meeting women who are still faithful to the FALC or churches like them...I cannot see an individual person...just a mouth piece echoing the beliefs of their faith.  There is no individual there; nor can she make one move that is opposed to her church.

Standing there with captured body and mind...she is empty of self.

The only free movement are those that are in agreement with the church and family.

And yet, she would gladly tell you she is not controlled....but, is a very Faithful Christian Woman.  She loves her Church and Family.

Blind to the faults each hold.

Blind to the binds that bind her.

"Bless be the tie that binds..." is a song.

What they fail to notice is the tie that binds, has killed the individual long before it had a chance to become.

Bond together blindly, silently...by and evil force they call love...and Faith.

 I created this quilt early in 2004 or 05.   "Soul Lost"  A perfect vision of me coming out of an abusive family and cult like religion.

 

First Freeing You

It is so easy to be righteously upset against abuse over women in far away places and yet when it comes to the oppression of women in our home town religions; very few will rise against it. 

I don't know what to do with this.

Why do we fail to see what is right under our noses, and perhaps where we can affect the most change, and look instead to far horizons?

Why is the plight of women in other countries where our indignations go...as well as money even?

The rampant abuse and its generational legacy within the strict religions are left alone.

Why?

What would it cost to enter into the arena and demand rights for women to own their own bodies?

At what cost to eradicate child abuse or even to support children who stand against families of abuse?

I know how easy it is to hit "like" in support against women's rights.

But how are you, as an individual, standing up for women in your circles of influence?

How are women gaining control over their bodies here in the churches where I come from?

What will it take to make women here turn their attention to the silent cries of themselves and the generation beneath them?

Can a women who comes from oppression or believes in a Faith where women have very little rights, free women in other countries?

I just don't understand how the women within the religions are not seen as victims of the religion and suffer abuse on so many levels...and yet are not worthy, if you will, of outrage.

Is it the shield of religion that protects them from protests?

Does the very religion that oppresses them, keep others silent as well?

I get the plight of women in stress and anguish in so many far places. But, I also understand that there are women right in this small town who can use your influence and focus.

Most folks who I have shared my story with...want to automatically defend religion and family.  Yet both of those places abused me.

A foreign country and strange men abusing women is easy to rise against.  You have no dogs in the fight.  You have nothing to lose...and stand to gain an image of standing against abuse.

But, what if while you are helping women in another country; women in your own religion are suffering the same plight?

Are we then to 'hope' women from another country will come in and help those in our area?

The simplest route is very tough and will require blood, sweat and tears from you. It will require you to question not only your religion and family; but self.

Who am I to look beyond my own fence...

When in my circles are women and children suffering generations of abuse under the cloak of religion/family.

It is to me to the least effort to go as far from home as possible to look at the oppression of women.

The toughest most impacting change that can happen IS to change the legacy within your family tree.

To end the effects of abuse to the generation below you.

Most look at the abuse as the act itself and fail to see the side effects of the way the family and church responds.

It isn't the act of being raped by my father that sent me into denial...but the reaction to it.

My mother's failure to exit her marriage to protect her child.

My mother's failure to exit her religion when it 'forgave the sin'.

My image of what a woman's options are, were set in place by how my mother walked.

How she controlled her body or allowed the church to.

How she held her faith higher than the safety of her children.

What good would it do for me to 'save' a woman in another country; while I continued to walk as my mother did?

Would my children and their children be affected as I sought to help a woman....but, couldn't save myself?   Would staying in a religion whose legacy is to control women and their bodies help my daughters be empowered?

The insanity of 'trying' to help others while still oppressed...baffles me.

I cannot see how a woman who is powerless against her own religion can proclaim to empower anyone or save them or inspire them.

What am I missing?

Is it possible to overlook your own side effects from being raised in a strict religion...and free someone else?

It is to be sitting in prison and telling someone else how to be free.

I feel like I am banging my head on the bars....

The greatest thing a woman can teach her daughters is by being totally free and empowered herself.

If you are being controlled by church and family...you can't stay there and be free.

I don't even believe that most know they are being controlled.

Being in denial of the consequences of the churches oppression of women allows many to not know they are oppressed.

But, a hint is....or a few are;

If you can't use birth control...

If you can't alter your hair, nails, face etc.

If you are told what to do and what not to do....it is control.

It comes back to....can you know freedom IF you never had it?

And, can you free someone from being oppressed and abused...without first freeing you?

 

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

 

 

 

No longer a Victim.

Speak Your Silence asked "If you had to narrow down your top three most important core values, what would they be?"  

Mine are Truth, Freedom and Self-Empowerment.

A good question to ask, and would we easily recognize yours?

And, are your core values what you are living?

Can they be your core values IF you are not expressing them in your choices?

Isn't what we do the core truth of who we are.

A line in the book "A Man Called Ove" by Fredrik Backman suggested, right is just right.  

As I snowshoed along, I thought on this.

Right is right and truth is truth.  

Two very tough things to live by.

The reason I live by truth...is it is senseless to live by untruths; for the truths are there regardless if we make choices based on them.  And, it is much harder to live by truth than it is to live untruthfully. And, being truthful to yourself and others may be hard, but it is extremely rewarding and a comforting place to be.

And, I believe Love is Freedom. 

Allowing someone to live as they want is the highest form of love.  Not trying to change them or make them do this or that FOR you...is Love.  It also allows you the very same space to be you.   This was my greatest achievement as a wife/mother/friend/sister. You are free to be you.

Free to be you with me or away from me.

Free to make choices that are best for you and not for me.

As I allowed you the freedom to be; it gave me the freedom as well.

Love without freedom isn't love; but being a puppet for another's happiness or love or approval or peace.

What was so interesting for me, was how connected I was to others.  In that my happiness depending upon their behavior and mine on theirs.  When I stopped being their  happiness, peace, love and joy....I found mine.

I then was free to choose who I wanted a relationship with and who I did not.

Which grew my self-empowerment.

If I am unable to do what my self needs are, than I am not empowered; but powerless.

Giving others their power back, gave me mine.

This, I believe is what will correct the victims of abuse...and stop its legacy.

You can't be a victim when you are empowered, free and living your truth.

So many well intentioned folks want to do anything but what is right...when it comes to family.  They lose all power and their freedom...when they ignore truthful acts of abuse.

They become captive to it.

All their choices will be to appease abuse by remaining silent and unresponsive...and become valueless.

I just don't believe you can have value while you value someone who abuses you or those you love. It has to lower you to love them.

I was once told I would lose my children's love and friendship IF I raised my expectations too high. Really?  Isn't it the opposite?

We set the bar by how we live...and our value is created by us, not by another's good opinion of us.

My value's are truth, freedom and self-empowerment.

The opposite of what makes a victim.

If you have a choice...and can freely make it... you are no longer a victim.