While doing yoga this morning, it came to me, that I have the right to be angry, to feel resentment or indignation. I am not in the wrong.
I tried to resurrect the feelings within me when I am faced with family...now.
And, I guess mostly I feel I am wrong.
Wrong to have set boundaries.
Wrong to have spoken/written about sexual abuse; my own.
Wrong to have asked for space.
Wrong when Others ask for space.
Wrong to feel anger.
Wrong to feel deserving of more than they could give.
Wrong to be estranged; to dare walk away.
"How dare you are Beth Ann?"....rings loud and clear - a song from legacies long ago.
How dare I try and change my legacy.
How dare I do different than so many women in my family.
How dare I tear apart denial.
How dare I point out their shortcomings....along with mine.
How dare I reach beyond their comfort zone.
How dare I be me.
How dare I seek truth.
Perhaps the greatest resentment is feeling wrong for being me.
For living my life as authentically as I can.
Another source of anger, is the lack of support from family, as I learned to walk a new pattern. The silence rang their disapproval...along with their labels of "Mental" tossed easily my way.
I don't feel my family is intentionally hurting me, anymore than I am them.
It is the natural feelings that come with separation or with leaving dysfunctional relationships.
Our feelings naturally change when behavior changes.
I am seen as the opposite of them....as they the opposite of me.
My anger and resentment fizzle out when I realize they are where I came from.
They are not aware.
Their awareness will come when its time to shine; and not before.
It is not my job.
I am a threat to their beliefs...as well as the object that 'needs to be forgiven'.
My sadness comes from not being seen and understood. Or cheered as I crawled back to full power. And, that I am seen as wrong...while my parents were supported for being right.
I don't know what it feels like to be part of a circle that has a real black sheep....an estranged one...on the outside.
To be part of the 5 sisters that continue to gather and make new memories...while one 'wrong' one stays away.
To be a mother of 14 and have one refuse contact.
I know what it feels like to be on the outside; but not on the inside looking out to me.
All I know, is the silence or angry retorts, that early on, came my way.
I can't know what it feels like to have me out here writing...STILL all these years later.
I find that it has to be much easier to be inside with the majority.
"There is safety in numbers"...
The loneliness of being alone is made better by the new friends I have made along the way. But, regardless alone outside of family is unlike anything else I believe.
It is un-natural.
And, it sets you against those you shared so much of your life with.
It is to go against a huge part of your own self.
My anger, I guess, boils down to feeling that I am wrong and mental for being abused.
That I am insane, to embrace reality and truth.
And you know what....I dare be Beth Ann.
I dare speak my own voice....out loud and in public.
I dare walk away from things that insult my self-worth.
I dare leave religions that bless away actions of predators.
I dare go silent with a mother who knew and turned away.
I dare go silent with a father who molests little girls.
I dare shut down relationships with those who silently carry on like normal.
I dare to be alone.
I dare change the pattern.
I dare to be wrong in your eyes to do what is right for Me.
I feel that my feelings of anger and resentment transformed into the courage... and dared to do things differently. To stand against family in support of the child. Knowing I was going to lose so much in order to gain self-respect and self-love.
My anger left me while I dared to confront all the people and things that unconsciously supported the abuser.
I wonder if courage is the opposite of anger?
I looked up the "opposite of Anger" and one of the places said "Forgiveness".
Wow.
Also, "amiability"....which I had to look up.
"the quality of having a friendly and pleasant manner; geniality."
and, Charity.
So, if you are not angry about abuse....you are in these categories.
I gave up all those friendly ways and found the courage to face abuse.
By the way, Anger's definition is "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility:"
It's funny, but those are the feelings I felt coming from family...when I dared speak my silence.
I am allowed to feel anger...it is my right.
I will not have a pleasant manner towards abuse.
My latest Ladies are hiking ladies and I feel their triumph over obstacles.
I am hopeful that hiking 100 miles will be easier than the hike to the outer circle of abuse.
