"Determined not to repeat her mother's mistakes, Carmen Rita Wong reaches out." O Magazine
When I changed my attitude about sexual abuse, I veered off the path my mother trod.
I know it seems a no brainer to be enraged and upset about sexual abuse of a child; your own child...but the church taught the opposite. It preached it from its pulpit.
Certainly not specifically about sexual abuse; but sin.
"There was no sin too great to forgive..."
They taught the opposite of anger....forgiveness.
In order to be a good christian woman, you had to keep the opposite feelings of anger..."
"the quality of having a friendly and pleasant manner; geniality...and charity."
This one simple and profound belief keeps abusers nestled snuggly within families...and children forever at risk of sexual abuse. No one is angry enough to walk out of families...or God forbid, "Be Unforgiving".
When is anger accepted within the church? When are you able to 'not forgive'?
Even society at large is not real happy with anger, resentment and rage.
Is there a proper time to be angry?
Why are we so enamored with folks who are victims of violent crimes who hold no grudges against their perpetrators? We see it at the ultimate act of humanity to be kind to those who are unkind.
It seems insane to me, when you read about the little quotes..."Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most."
These unkind folks are to do nothing about their unkindness; but we have to be kinder.
Keep being kinder.
Will this make a kinder world?
IF, the loving or charitableness my mother bestowed upon my father cured him of his lust for little girls, then I would agree to kindness.
But all that her kindness did was to allow him free access to little girls for decades.
If the forgiveness of the church cured his lust for little girls, then I too would have agreed to forgiveness. If its magical energy ended violence and evil I would be the biggest voice for it.
However, in my experience, it is a barrier to reacting appropriately to injustice.
It stops the victims from responding against the act of evil towards them...in their true form.
Fear.
Where else does PTSD come from...but fear of it happening again...or the residual affects of being terrified, horrified and in fear.
When you slap feelings of friendly and pleasant towards the abuser....over your feelings of fear, you are now in denial of your own self.
It is un-natural to feel pleasant and friendly towards someone who rapes you and that is what we are asking when we are asking for the victim to forgive.
Why are we opposed to feelings of anger?
Why are we expecting little children of abuse to not feel feelings of anger....
Which are "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility,"
Why are we expecting them to continue to love and trust after abuse?
We only expect this for those who were abused within the confines of family.
When a stranger abuses, we don't expect the child to have warm charitable pleasant feelings.
To do different than my mother; was to see the plight of the child.
To do whatever is necessary to distance myself from the abuser and those who support him...
The ones who are the most dangerous are the forgiving charitable folks...for it is their kindness that allows abuse to continue; unheeded.
I had to look up the word "Unheeded" to make sure that made sense.
And, OH does it ever. "heard or noticed but disregarded:"
This is what is so extremely maddening to me. IS that it is heard, it is Noticed BUT it is disregarded.
What does disregarded mean?
"pay no attention to; ignore."
It is as if, I am the physical manifestation of abuse...and my words, my feelings, my truth are all disregarded.
Amazing in its blindness....the path my mother chose.
Determined not to repeat my mother's mistakes....I chose to see.
To see everything.
In its harshest of realities.
Nothing in reality will I forgive and hide away.
I see, when it makes you uncomfortable.
I see.
