I have been asked to do a presentation for our local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) on March 9th.
I had to look up the definition of Alliance - "association formed for mutual benefit".
I look forward to seeing what this chapter does in my area.
I am excited to do this and yet unsure of which direction I will speak from.
As I snowshoed today, I pondered my mental health...and my journey into it.
What things I had to give up in order to have mental peace and wellness.
How I am today or maybe who I am today...is directly related to my mental health.
I was in the same dinning room with an estranged sister last evening, while we had dinner; separately. Also a full table full of old church members. Perhaps it was the combination of both that left me unsettled.
My attention was definitely split between our table and my past dining just a few feet away.
I couldn't ignore neither their presence, nor how it feels in my body, to be near them.
So what is mental illness or wellness?
Is it how you feel?
I had to look up "illness" to see its definition.
"a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind..."
Can an illness be anything that affects the body and mind?
Would it then not apply to people?
If some people affect your body...would it not then make you ill to be in their presence?
And, if a religion affects your mind wouldn't the same hold true?
I don't have a learned degree in mental illnesses; but I do know what affects my own body and mind.
I could see or maybe feel the common alliance of mutual benefit of my sister to my family of origin...as well as the church family...and how I stood outside their circles.
My differences clashed...and I never seem to find the social level to stand upon.
Or maybe even the desire to engage...for I know that old road and its beliefs.
Something in me isn't willing to reach out...to cross back over that line.
Mostly, I just want distance.
But distance is hard when there is a past.
You can only pretend you have nothing in common.
They will always be part of who I was....and am.
I will always hold the spot outside of their circle...for my wellness needs this space.
I don't believe either of us will ever be unaffected when in each other's presence.
The inside and outside are separated by our individual needs to be where we are.
Our different needs are worlds apart.
It was to see my old illness...to feel its affect on me.
Denying how both family and church affected me...was my mental illness.
I am mentally healthy when I am aware of how it feels...and not try to engage for their peace.
It was to be dipped back into the past to feel it...once again.
A woman came up to our table and told how my mother sent a card to her 91 year old mother....how nice, she said.
Nice.
Hmmm, this is where our differences lie.
Where, between our two circles, can we meet and agree...
I may appear mental to them all...but, I am quite sane to me.
Perhaps mental illness depends upon which circle you are standing on...and in which direction you are looking. Maybe we all feel completely sane...in our own circle.
