From The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefalie Tsabary....
Chapter 17 The Two Wings of the Eagle
"To develop conscious behavior, a child needs two streams of learning. I like to think of them as the two wings of an eagle. authenticity and containment. A child missing one or the other will flounder, never soaring to the heights of its potential."
"So far in this book, we have focused on authenticity, which springs from a strong connection to our inner being. For a child this means learning to recognize their own inner voice, which will teach them how to expand their presence in the world. As children increasingly relate to their inner being, they learn not just to accept themselves, but also to embrace their own will and manifest this in the world. They develop the ability to forge a meaningful connection with others, as well as with life itself."
"Containment, is the other wing of the eagle, is the means by which we absorb the will of another. While authenticity requires us to respect our own inner being and express who we are, containment allows us to contour this in relation to will of those around us."
"Our children need to learn both the are of connecting with themselves and connection to others, which are the two pillars of all relationships. The ability to relate to another is linked to our ability to connect with ourselves, which is the springboard of authenticity and the key to our ability to maintain meaningful relationships."
"Even as our children need to foster a sense of inner connection and the ability to be authentic, they also need to learn how to live in a world of rules and get along with others in the sandbox of life. For this to happen, children need to listen to their own voice and in equal measure, absorb the voices of others. To foster the ability to surrender to one's own will and to that of another when appropriate is a key element of discipline. This is very different from just getting children to "behave."
"When children have been taught to express their voice, it's only natural that this voice will at times be the cause of dissension with their parents. This is the inevitable fallout of raising a spirited and confident child. But as our children discover that the world doesn't revolve around them, they learn to tolerate frustration. They accept that, since they aren't the only ones who have wishes and needs, they can't achieve instant gratification all the time."
"To the degree that we as parents connect with our children, providing for them a safe container in which they are seen for who they are, they learn to be comfortable with connection. They understand the dynamics of a give-and-take relationship and are better able to thrive amid the difficulties that arise. They can tolerate being depended upon, and in turn trust that another can be leaned on."
A CHILD CAN'T SOAR WITHOUT CONTAINMENT
"Stephanie and her husband Phillip have three young boys who are out of control. Because the three are always fighting with each other, play dates are a nightmare and mealtimes a disaster. There's no order in the house, the children rule the roost, and chaos reigns. It's a household that's completely lacking in respect, either on the part of the children or their parents."
"Overwhelmed, Stephanie is in tears on a daily basis. Having grown up with a controlling domineering mother, she has little sense of empowerment and feels easily victimized. Since conflict frightens her, she does her best to avoid it. Similarly, Phillip grew up in a home where emotions were rarely expressed, which means he's uncomfortable whenever he has to articulate his own. Because both Stephanie and Phillip lead emotionally constricted lives, they are afraid to find their own authentic voice with their children. Of course, this couple's children being spiritual gurus that children are, act in the way they do precisely to challenge their parents to address their emotional baggage. When I observe these parents with their children, it was immediately clear there was no system to the parent's discipline. The children had no clue how they were supposed to behave. For instance, the three boys were playing in the family room when, before long, they began throwing their toys all over the room and climbing the furniture. When Jacob, the oldest and leader of the three, began to shake the lamps, Stephanie entered the room, saying, "Please don't do that Jacob." Jacob paid no attention. Again, Stephanie spoke up: "I said, 'Please.' Please stop this behavior or you will get a time out."
"None of the boys paid any attention. In a pleading voice, Stephanie repeated, "I said, 'Please.'"
"When this had no affect, Stephanie turned to me, helps, her eyes begging me to understand, as she explained, "I'm trying to discipline them, but no one listens to me. do you see how hard this is?" A moment later, the lamp fell to the floor and Jacob hurt his foot. Now Stephanie ran to him to take care of him. Jacob experienced no consequences, only hugs and kisses."
"After a short while, Jacob returned to his play, engaging in the same behavior. Within minutes, there was another mishap, this time as a result of a fight between the three boys. Again Stephanie appeared at the door and said, "Boys, please don't hurt each other." The boys continued fighting. Still standing a distance away from them, their mother again pleased, "Please don't hurt yourselves." No one listened."
"Out of the blue, Stephanie strode over to the boys, pulled them off of each other, slapped Jacob across the face, and yelled, "You are a bad boy! You are always making me upset. You are in 'time out' for the rest of the day."
"Not having seen this coming, Jacob was stunned. Screaming back at his mother, he protested that he was being singled out and it was unfair. His mother, still nursing residual emotion from the mishap in which he hurt himself, became enraged, quivering and shaking. Jacob hit her. She hit him. As the other boys cowered in fear, Stephanie broke down in tears, blaming her sons for hernia as all three hung their heads in shame."
"Stephanie had no idea that the present scenario was one in which she had recreated from her own childhood of feeling disempowerment. Superimposing the helplessness she experienced when she was young onto her boys, she was unable to separate their behavior from her own feelings at that moment. Because every move on her part was driven by emotional avoidance, she couldn't respond as the boys needed her to."
"I meet many parents of older children especially who feel helpless in the face of their children's "bad" behavior. When I observe these parents, I notice that their common errorless in their inability to engage in swift action in the moment. For example, an eight -year old girl was snatching the toys from her younger brother, but the mother ignored it, which she continued to do until it escalated into a fight. In another situation, the mother of a six-year-old watched him drop crumbs on the floor, saying nothing about his behavior until, after he scattered crumbs everywhere, she exploded at him. Though it's often wise to wait until we are no longer reactive before we engage in teaching our children a more appropriate way to behave, there are times when delay is counterproductive. Instead of allowing a situation to escalate, the conscious parent takes action the instant it is required. In Stephanie's case, had she been aware of her emotional patterns, she would have approached this situation with much greater firmness from the start. The moment Jacob began violating the rules of respect for home and safety of self and others, Stephanie could have been authoritative. Coming from her inner strength, she could have declared, "Freeze, right now. Everybody stop what you are doing." With play stopped, she could then have reiterated the parameters for the boys' behavior. Telling them to repeat after her what was expected of them, she could have made sure they understood the consequences of a further violation, making it clear that any deviation from these expectations would bring a quick termination to their play. We cannot be a "pleaser" and "pleader," then expect to have any power with our children."
"Afraid of owning her emotional boundaries, Stephanie let the boys abuse her. So accustomed was she to feeling disempowered that she automatically embodied a position of weakness, whereas her sons needed her to be strong and clear. Even when, having missed the cues, she finally exploded, she was still unable to own her emotions, instead displacing them onto her children, causing them to feel guilty for "making" her so upset. Far from being "bad", the boys were just doing what boys do, whereas their mother had failed miserably." Shefalie
I love this book. It clearly shows how when the parent hasn't faced their own emotional baggage, just how out of balance life is upon the child....and how it affects the child's inner world.
This chapter shows how badly I mothered, until I was able to face my own emotional stunted growth.
It was so powerful to know, that I WAS the problem; not my child.
Children need us to model our own Eagle Wings!
