In a novel I am listening to, a son of a murder, spoke about carrying the weight of his father. Saying it was not something you can put down, it is always with you.
I understand this.
It is like a forever backpack of genetics, patterns, memories, connections...one that cannot be outrun or tossed aside. It is your history. Your dark history.
As I walked along I noticed my shadow self and my walk cadence, it was similar to my fathers. The way one leg sets a tone...by its hitch in the step.
I could see my father in my shadow's movement...his gait was in mine.
Like he walked with me.
Or, I was him.
It was a unsettling to keep catching his walk by my side.
It was to see my past and present walking side by each...
I thought of all that changed and what remained the same.
That I couldn't outdistance my past by creating a new life.
What struck me yesterday is the vast differences between believing in religion and not. It is similar to believing in family and then not.
Believing in the role; not the person.
Having faith in what a father is....a mother...a sister....a brother.
Believing that family protects family.
Family loves family.
It is a safe zone...always.
These beliefs were shattered by reality.
What then do you do with 'family' that doesn't act like family?
My belief in them didn't make it so.
Or perhaps it did.
IF I would have tried harder to overlook and look beyond their actions and keep them in my mind; I would have a family today.
My mind is no longer a believahead.
I have seen behind its facade.
The shadow that lingers with me is the mind's pretend life.
What stops me from interacting... is I would be engaging in their thoughts.
Not the person behind the thoughts....but, the thoughts and beliefs.
It is to dance with an illusion.
That is denial.
I no longer can pretend to pretend to pretend that it is family.
The burden I carry is that it isn't family.
It is a group of people who believe in the same illusion.
I may walk like my father....but I carry myself differently.
I want to carry my life, and my choices, so that they will never be a burden to my children and grandchildren.
I want my legacy to be filled with hope, inspiration and overcoming the odds.
I want my journey to be the beginning of something grand beyond my wildest hopes.
Perhaps his gait will be with me as a reminder to walk differently.