IMPERFECT Lady

A Simple Life

"Acceptance has everything to do with simplicity, with sitting in the ordinary place, with bearing witness to the plain facts of our lives, with not just starting at the essentials, but ending up there. Acceptance speaks in the gentlest voice.  It commands only that we acknowledge what's true."  Cheryl Strayed - From her book "Brave Enough"

 

Acceptance seems like a weak word, a plain no frills kinda experience; to just be here now and bear witness to what is.

Yet, it is extremely hard to literally do just that.  

To accept without adding anything.

Or, even more importantly, taking anything away.

Acceptance and truth are partners.

Without fully accepting what is, you are left believing lies by the virtue of non-acceptance.

What has been the most remarkable part of my healing journey is the non-acceptance of plain facts.  The way the mind can literally neglect huge portions of life and call it good.

I am not so sure you can see your own truth without accepting the facts in their full content.  Nor, do I believe, you can see another's truths; when you have discounted yours.

Acceptance often is a horror show at first glance. You will have to see that which you have chosen not to accept in order to survive. Denial has to be non-acceptance.

Acceptance is the act of consenting.

Perhaps with abuse; when we don't consent, it leaves us naturally in unaccepting.

What has been my greatest supper power is to accept what is; always.

No matter what.

No matter who.

I accept the plain facts.

It was tough getting used to living this way.  But, once you realize the fruitlessness of living "not accepting the plain facts" you will demand acceptance of your self.

Full acceptance quiets the mind.

Leaving you with vast silence and space to appreciate this now moment in time and all it brings into your awareness.

I also believe that acceptance and awareness arrive at the same time.

Or awareness comes in a millisecond ahead.

I looked up "awareness".

"knowledge or perception of a situation or fact."

First you have to acknowledge the fact and then fully accept it.

What turned my life upside down; were the simple acts of awareness and accepting it.

For, I had been taught in a million little ways to live removed from reality.

The bubble burst when I was 46.

I no longer have the ability to pretend.

I had to look up "pretend" too.

"speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not:"

Acceptance truly is living a simple life.

 

 

Speak Out Loud

Our local chapter of NAMI wanted me to post on my Blog about the upcoming event (May 4th at 7pm) at the Portage Library to help bring awareness to Mental Health.  

I will be doing a talk on Art Therapy and my daughter will be doing a class on Zentangle Inspired Art.   

Some of my quilts will be on display and, there will be a shelf of books that I have found helpful, as well as a notice about My Story Line Quilts at Copper Country Mental Health.

Having my quilts and my story on display at the local library is a bit daunting.  Again, going public has its moments of angst.

Mostly from the old church members and/or family.

In order to promote mental wellness, you are saying where you are unwell.

Imperfect

Not right

Displaying secrets, scars and family shame.

Out loud

Beautiful

Fearlessly 

and, in fear.

I do this for the ones who are like me; out and aware, and struggling to find a path that honors you and brings you peace, love and joy.  To find the self that was lost in the swirl of abuse patterns.

With my art, I am bringing to attention the darker side of life.

The juxtaposition of my message and my art is remarkable and yet, isn't there beauty in the truth?

I myself feel healthy and whole mentally, I know that many will not see me that way.

The old words from long ago echo when I publicly display myself.

Today is my mother's birthday.

Our estrangement is my wellness.

This is what I display.

Daring to show the unspeakable....is, being a Badass!

She kept quiet; what I speak out loud!

 

 

Badassery is a lifestyle!

"Loyalty isn't a virtue, neither is patience" is what a wise friend wrote to me. 

At the same time, I was told of a woman leaving her abusive husband.  I then wondered, what would a great care package consist of, for a woman who is making a huge life change?

As the thoughts rolled around it came to me, it would be a Welcome to being a Badass!

This is what it takes to exit abuse.

You will be leaving loyalty to family, church and state.

You will be no longer interested in having patience to wait for someone to rescue you, love you, honor you, respect you.  You know, that you have been the one you were waiting for!

You will have to be your own badass! 

Sadly, most who strive to leave abuse will have battle their families while doing so.

It will be multi-layered assaults and or indifference...as you struggle to free yourself from harm.

So, what would a badass package hold?

What would inspire hope of a better horizon ahead?

To me, it would be knowing there is a sisterhood of women whose steps you are following, and their joy, love and peace they now reside in.

I was sent a packet of flyers about abuse when my father was in court.

What I would have desperately wanted were signposts of hope.

Visions of what life had to offer on the other side.

Perhaps the pitfalls to avoid.

Items for self-love.

I will ask the women of WIND, to see if we can make up totes that would give hope to women changing direction in their lives.

A Badass Welcome!

I had to look up the word Badassery as defined by Brene Brown.

"Badassery : when people stand fully in their truth, or when someone falls down, gets back up and says, "Damn, That really hurt, but this is important to me and I'm going in again' - that's a badass."

 I want to start a Badass Club; where Badassery is a lifestyle!

Be Free

What I have noticed about me, is that when a good-bye happens, I no longer fight or want the other person to stay or change to suit my needs.  My mind is at peace with the separation.

In the past, my mind wasn't happy if things didn't stay the same.  My mind wanted to control all things at the cost of my peace, love and joy.

It was a long process to accept the losses and to withstand the urge to either change myself so change didn't happen OR try and change another.

What I believe is a sign of a healthy inner world is the ability to not feel devastated when a friendship ends. 

I acknowledge the fork in the road where our mutual truths no longer align.

In the past, I would have rated my friendship by the depth of the pain I felt as it ended.

What I didn't know, is that it equals the amount of self wrapped up in the other person or co-dependency.

Certainly, there are times I wished the communication line was still open to share either triumphs or heartbreak.  However, I have also found that I bring in the event even more fully when I am not sharing it immediately with someone.  I am learning to assimilate life's moments by myself.

And, that has also had its own rewards.

It has reduce the highs and lows to mediums.

I am no longer making such a big deal of either of them.

Bumping into an estranged family member is a rouge wave and is gone.

Highlights a falling star, and life is back to normal.

It is as if my life itself isn't so bi-polar with dramas swinging high and low...that would occupy hours of thoughts.

I truly do feel like a sovereign person.

People don't bleed into me, nor do their actions directly affect my state of being.

I feel so grown up in my ability to manage change.

This gives the power back to reality and the freedom back to the people and it leaves my mind without a job; except to be used to live in the here and now.

I think, I thought, that a good life would be one without changes.  When in fact, the best like is to fully accept and appreciate the aliveness of life.  The seasons of sorrow and the moments of joy...and the beauty that is everywhere.  Knowing they are all part of the human experience.

To live rigid expecting no changes is an awful place to be.  You are trying and failing, to control the uncontrollable.

The grown-up me is free to be...whatever I am doing.

From mail lady, to hiker girl, to creative artist....to separated friend to close friendship, wife to mom, to grandma...from laughter, to tears onto pure joy. Flowing like a river through my life.

Our very nature is fluid motion.

And, our soul knows its truth and where it needs to be or how it wants to respond.  Follow it and you will be free!

 

Followed my soul.

I finished reading "The Fifth Sister: From Victim to Victor - Overcoming Abuse" by Laura Landgraf.  The complexity of incest and its longevity is astounding. To say nothing about the repulsive displays of humanity towards their own, and the powerlessness of the child and its long lasting effects they are left with.

The author became the black sheep of the family as she worked to keep her children safe as, she herself, set up boundaries. And, she lost the tenuous relationships she had with her sisters; due to their lack of wanting the wrath of her parents.

What I failed to consider was that.

How you have to be strong enough to withstand the ugliness that will come your way when you speak up and against family.  It isn't so much about the truth, but the backlash that will surely follow.

How it is better to keep sweet than to be the focus of attack.

While it is tough to speak of being abused within a family, it is much hard to be treated openly hostile.

Rather than willingly bring this upon themselves, family members will keep their mouths shut about the truth and become the voices for their parents.

In my experience, this is very true.

It is shocking to actually see this in action.

Here is what Laura wrote...

"Katie calls to say "shame on you".  Carly asks me to remove myself from her life.  I am stunned. What am I?  The black sheep for exposing my parents?  Or is she not strong enough to endure the brutal barrage from them to keep her inside their control?"

"Brandy and Daniel tell me my sisters are playing their roles in the family script and breaking away from such a family system takes a profoundly sturdy person.  They reassure me that I have immense courage. They're proud. I want to believe it all. I vacillate between confidence and terror. The very air feels fraught with pre-storm electrified stillness."  Laura

It truly does take a person of substance to walk away. And sadly, coming from a family fraught with abuse, it is very unique to find one. For the very nature of incest creates a person with the "self-esteem of flea" as Laura says.

The very nature of being able to heal yourself Will require you to get beaten up by your family as you leave.  It is the nature of the dysfunctional family system.

They are only following the family script and trying to keep under the radar and in the good graces.  And, not strong enough to survive being abused as they leave.

In her book, she writes;

"I think the fallout of this debacle may ruin us, Laura," Mom says, arms and legs crossed as she leans back in her chair. "We may be willing to fall on this sword, but I wish to god you were mentally ill.  Then you'd have an excuse for being who you are." 

"I go cold inside.  How can her words still hurt me?  And, yet they do."  Laura

Thee insanity of blaming the one who is blamed for speaking of their criminal treatment to children and minors is beyond words. 

Again, I experienced the same treatment, and I am sure my family would love to believe that I too am Mentally Ill.  It would be easier than trying to explain my absence due to the abuse that permeates the family circles.

She asks questions at the back of her book, I am sure for book clubs.  Here is one.

"Where are the lines of loyalty supposed to be drawn as a mother, between herself, her children, her spouse, and her community.  Do you think complicity in a spouse's mis-conduct typifies child abuse families?" 

An interesting line to distinguish, and walk. What is your line?

Where do your loyalties lie and why?

It was interesting to read about the ways each family member contributed to the abuse and why, and until.

A black sheep I am, for I followed my soul.

,

I am sure the questions she asks at the end, could be applied to our family as well.

Perhaps I will attempt to answer them next time.

 

 

 

Require Denial

I was wondering if boundaries are what create estrangement?  

And, what does it mean to your previous relationship, that when you add a boundary it ends?  

Is it possible to create new boundaries in an old relationship and have it survive?  

Does an estrangement signal that the relationship has reached its limits?  

Are there limitless relationships?

Isn't there a limit or a line that each relationship carries?  

Don't we all know, what each relationship can or cannot handle?

Who is responsible for staying beneath the line?

Do we have the same markers for all relationships or do we bend and lower our boundaries for some?

Who decides these boundaries?

Are they mutual and clearly stated or is it a surprise when we cross the unknown line?

What makes up the boundaries in relationships you hold?

Is the content similar with everyone you engage with?

Do boundaries look like your values and morals?

Are boundaries more action based than words?

Is the level of the friendship/relationship worthy of different boundaries?

Do closer friendships have more rules, than say, social friendships?

Do we allow certain behaviors for some and then not for others?

Does it matter who is treating us poorly or who is asking us to lower our standards?

I have had conversations with people as they wonder about leaving or staying in a relationship.  I always tell them they will know when to go. But maybe that is not true. If you don't know your boundaries; how will you know when a relationship has crossed that mark?

Each of us get to decide what our relationships will contain.  We get to decide what treatments and behaviors we will endure; and what is not acceptable.  

It is said, that when a man hits a woman the first time, and she stays, she is sending out a signal of acceptance.

Isn't this true for all actions?

We are who we are in relationships based upon what we tolerate or don't. 

I do have clear lines.

Now.

It is possible to go from no boundaries to very firm self-respecting ones.

Abuse clearly is a no boundary state.

Often when it happens in childhood, we grow up boundary-less.

While I have many estrangements in my past; they are all places where a boundary was placed and the relationship didn't survive.

Just to be sure, I had to go and get the definition of estrangement.

"to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of: Their quarrel estranged the two friends." or "the fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group."

Mostly, in my experience, I was not friendly to lies.  I was hostile to the idea of someone trying to convince me that something wasn't true...when it clearly was.

I had heard that the truth can be excused...or explained; but it never changes.

I agree.

My estrangements are all based upon the truth that I see and mostly what they choose not to see.

That is a huge boundary for me.

I require reality.

Its truth is mine.

Being estranged from many is painful; but more painful to me, is to be estranged from the truth.  That is denial.  Where I lived for 46 years with grave consequences.  I will no longer be in relationships that require denial.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Familiar Strangers

When I think about the multiple estranged relationships I have, I see them leaving holes in my life.  Unfinished but finished.

How a conversation unfurls and flows, creating an end.

Truths are spoken and rejected.

Space is needed.

Empty now.

How memories are left without someone to remember them with.

Daily lives unshared.

Nothing related anymore.

Familiar strangers.

Deaths before dying.

Memories more alive than the living person.

Relationships had to die to preserve my truths...and for their lies to remain their truths.

Memories are now distorted fragments...too small to fill the holes.

Too big to fade away.

Emotions mixing.

Reality questioning.

Estrangement is stranger than being a stranger.

For it has memories, emotions, connections.

It is to become a stranger who knows.

A phantom friend.

I'm not sure there is a protocol for reversing friendships...for dialing back to stranger...to be set aside or to set aside.  It seems it is always uncomfortable and takes years to adjust.

Perhaps you grow into strangers by the lack of new experiences shared.

Can you put enough space and silence to quell familiarity?

Can you ever not know them...as you would a stranger?

There is not only a past but the moment of ending in this new silent familiar stranger.

I think estrangement from family is harder than friends. For we are used to the cycle of friendships, the ever changing landscapes as we grow.  Friends are known to be for a season, a reason or a lifetime.  Families, we believe are until we die.

And, we share things no one else can truly relate to.

Our DNA of childhood molds us so similar and our memories join in ways friends are not able to.

The holes estrangement leaves in my life are similar to the holes friendships can't quite fill.

Family usually travel with you the whole way...unlike friends who hop on and join for awhile.

To be set free on a solo voyage...after starting out with a boat full.

I believe that estrangements are life's natural actions; the culling and trimming, as you grow and evolve on your journey.  Perhaps what is more un-natural is keeping things the same. Holding on even when the truths would push you apart.

I would like to come up with a friendlier term for familiar strangers.

 

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honest Me.

I have been writing on this blog for 7 years. 

It is hard to believe what has transpired in that time; the changes within me....my feelings and my mind.

A feeling of panic, and blushing shame that would often accompany some postings...when I dared to express my truth.  Mostly for the repercussions of being different.

A grown woman, feeling young and vulnerable, as she explored her inner landscape of dysfunction and abuse....as she attempted to find peace, love and joy....and herself.

The journey of growing up mentally and emotionally while being an adult.

Sharing the ramifications of following my truth and its consequences on relationships where truth isn't accepted when it comes to exposing abuse.

It is quite a remarkable experience to wake up and see what you have denied, and then see how differently you are treated by those who want to remain unmoved in your old denial.

Denial is hard to articulate and comprehend, for it is so obvious to those who have always seen.  Those, who have never had to live outside of their reality. But, it is tragically brilliant to see  the truth for the first time....even though it was always there.

I never understood, or fully appreciated, the strength of the mind and its thoughts and beliefs, until mine all crashed. That it could literally build a world that didn't exist and I lived there.

I just downloaded a book, that my brother's blog (http://messyguru.typepad.com) referred to "Room" by Emma Donoghue...where the concept is equal to denial. To be raised to view the world a certain way.  

When I try and recollect my old mind and the way it saw the world, I can't grasp it; for its basis wasn't anchored in the truth and/or reality in any way.  It was an overlay removed from the harsh realities of abuse.

What often overwhelms me are the volumes of people who are living there.

If truth isn't part of your world...you live in denial.

Denying reality/truth IS denial.

Often I hear of platitudes and wimpy excuses why the truth is better off un-lived. And, more often when will I reconnect or make peace with my family of origin.

What most fail to consider is what they truly want is for me to slip back into denial.

Denying my truth and who I am.

The line of discontent between my family and I, is that we fail to see the world through the same lens. 

"We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

I love this idea...that truth allows us to grow.

It takes great courage to bring truth into your world; but the rewards are limitless.

I believe we get left at the age we were when we had to hide the truth.

If you are abused and can't speak of it, you may grow in body size; but inside we are left emotionally and psychologically a child.

Which is why it creates great fear to dance with the truth...and leave denial.

Looking back over the past 11 years, I am in wonder and awe at who I was, as well as, who I am today.

The two lives could not be more different.

The two of Me, more distant.

 

The most I can say about the old me, is that she was all about the outside world.  Her actions were to keep the story going...not even knowing it was just a story...and not the truth.  Her connection to herself was seen and felt from the way others looked at her. Their opinion created who she was.

The new me, is all about the inside of me.

My soul.

Who I am without the world's opinion.

Who I am to me.

I will not ever, be untrue to me, for it truly doesn't serve anyone.

I love who I have grown to be and my becoming continues each time I welcome the truth, no matter what the message it brings.

Once you have felt the power of truthful living, you cannot settle for artificial.

I would rather have the honesty of estrangement than a pretend friendship.

An honest estrangement ,makes an honest Me.

 

"She realized she was the only self she could be—and not being unapologetically true to herself was a disservice to her soul and the world." Elephant Journal article..."She Was Done"

Without Boundaries

 

I just watched a short clip of Brene Brown speaking about Boundaries.  

"Boundaries are saying, "Here is what is okay with me and here is what is not...."

 

It sounds too simple...but, try setting up a boundary.

And, do it with family or friends.

Do it with integrity and honesty.

About how you feel.

Boundaries are where you find your value.

They clearly show what is okay with you and what is not.

I have a ton of respect for people with boundaries. They are showing me their value...the more boundaries, the greater they value themselves.

So, it is equally the opposite.

I don't feel much connection to people without boundaries. 

The image I have of them bleeds out endlessly and is blurry.  It is to see a person without clear lines of definition. 

Who I was for the first 46 years of my life was a blurry non-self image.  Not only was I not clearly defined to myself...I was a chameleon; I changed for your approval.

It was very terrifying to set up boundaries, and extremely liberating, and totally self-loving.

Boundaries are what defined me.

Identified me as me.

Loaded me up with value, integrity and honesty.

To me, setting up boundaries is the healing modality that is needed to recover from abuse. Being able to use your voice and make a choice to what you will or will not allow.

It is key to a healthy lifestyle.

Living without boundaries is terrifying to me now. It feels like I would disappear without them and perhaps I would.

I love knowing that I can fully articulate what is okay with me and what is not.

Those who are without boundaries may see me as someone who is cold and distant and very selfish....for I will not lower my standards for anyone to flop over.

Mine remain high and solid.

Boundaries are a personal choice.

Perhaps what defines a dysfunctional home the most IS the lack of boundaries.

Where there isn't the clear lines of character and intrinsic knowing of what is okay and what is not.  Where children are not taught, or given the right, to have a personal boundary against everyone.

I am pretty sure that parents who are without boundaries...create homes where anything goes.

And, can love live in a boundary-less home?

Who is there to love if there are no boundaries?

Who is there to stop the bad behavior if there are no boundaries to cross...where all manner of behavior is okay and will be forgiven and forgotten?

One of my greatest achievements was finding my own boundaries.

Coloring in new lines and boldly shaping me.

After 46 years of living blurry and fleeting without borders...it felt exhilarating to see me take shape.

I think the root of all fear is not knowing who you are, and having no clear boundaries against hurtful people...being a fluid moving blurry picture that anyone can use for their own image.

Being a clear and concise self...doesn't allow others to paint me different.

I am who I am...to me and to all equally.

My boundaries don't change or weaken or lower....it doesn't matter if you are friend or family....my boundaries are about Me.

Boundaries empower you to be you.

You lose yourself when you are without boundaries.

 

 To watch the video - https://www.facebook.com/theworkofthepeople/

 

 

 

 

 

Priceless

In an interview, Oprah spoke about losing friends/family over the differences they had in Value...

This struck me.

For, it is truly the line of separation in relationships.

What are your values?

Who do you value?

Can two people with opposing values relate to each other honestly?

I had to look up the meaning of Value....

"a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life."

This is the way we relate to each other and perhaps find the level of trust and appreciation...when our values match.

I truly have left so many relationships based on value.

Principles and standard of behavior IS what I go on.

You can tell what a person values by how they behave and what they allow.

I used to have a very one-sided view of relationships, in that, it was how I acted that only mattered.  I didn't allow myself the freedom to walk away from poor behaviors.  Believing that a 'good daughter' would stay no matter what.  

Friendships have cooled and reached the level of social niceties...due to the lack of mutual shared values.  I tend to move away from lower value behaviors.

I know what it requires to attain value of integrity...and high levels of self-worth.  

Often we think, that this is done by you yourself doing something great.  When actually it is it walk away from behavior that reflects their reduced value of you.

What I failed to appreciate years ago, was that when I was treated poorly, it was their value showing...not mine.  My value is how I respond.

The only way for me to keep my value is to disallow others treating me like I am worthless.

I think, people think, that they can keep themselves protected by others poor behavior while still being in relationships with them....when in fact, you are the company you keep.

The old saying "Birds of a feather...."

You are literally as valuable as how others treat you.

You set the preciousness tone.

My value was pre-set in the dysfunctional family at roughly zero.

I had to achieve my value by ending relationships with those who didn't see my value. 

It is an arduous journey to gather value by walking away from those whose love hurts.

On one hand you reclaim a beautiful part of you and on the other you lose.

It is an exchange.

Celebrating another facet of you...while saying good-bye to the old that had no value.

It truly was a journey back to myself and discovering my self-worth after each ending.

There was a price to be paid and the price was finding out I was priceless.