IMPERFECT Lady

Unmet Needs

The concept that unmet needs drive our worlds, and cause blindness to reality, is the most insightful.  It totally explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional home.  The core of word dysfunction really.

Here is the deal.  In a dysfunctional home, codependency is commonplace.

We expect others to fulfill our needs. 

That is their job and it is our job to fulfill their needs.

Self-sufficiency is nowhere to be found and the phrase, "you complete me" is real.

Inside of a dysfunctional home, no one is empowered.

Self-awareness, self-love and self-esteem is unheard of.

Self period is a bad word.

To be self-loving is the greatest sin and is called selfish.

Using your life to live by your own soul and passion is not acceptable.

You are to be part of the whole and move as one.

Your own needs are not even recognized; but you will be able to know and feel and even predict the needs of others.  

Your life will be jousted about by crisis of everyone else; with very little free space to call you own - if any.  You are not free to plan and execute your own life.  You are frozen in place by the sheer volume of folks who need you.  You are that important - to them.  And completely unimportant in your life.  

While underneath this busyness for others, is the unseen and unheard (by you) your own needs.

This thirst and craving for something.

What is the most common phrases...."I want to be happy." "I want to be loved." or "I want to be valued."

Most will not however, tell you what that means. 

What does it truly look like to be valued.

And, mostly...they will tell you what the other people have to do; but not themselves.

This was me.

I danced to the tune of what others needed and what they expected of me.  I had zero clue who I was or what I wanted.  None.

My individual self had never been born or had a chance to live within the dysfunctional home and its cult like religion. There was no room for self there. 

No self-expression.

Individual ideas, or God forbid a deviation to something different.

What I know for sure, is that when I found the little seed of self and began nurturing her and living from the inside out - I fell out of the 'good graces' of both family and religion.

My life experiences show this concept in action.

I had originally thought, that the rest of my family had more love for family.

Their volume was turned up many degrees higher than mine.

But, what I now believe to be more true is this unmet need beacon that is driving their choices.

Love from others is their need.

I used to also believe that need equaled love.  The more you needed someone the more you loved them.  My definition of love was NEED.  I felt more loved; the more I was needed.

Now, I feel love as being free.

Needless.

Love that needs is not love.  It is codependency.

I don't need anyone to do anything for me to make me happy.

This has been hard. Very hard.  A disease of sorts.

I felt unloving as I unplugged everyone.

I felt unloving as I took care of myself and became responsible for my peace, love and joy.

This freedom to be me allowed me to love me.

Even while I fell out of love with others.

They only loved me when I could fulfill their needs.

Once I stopped feeding their needs; love ended.

Their love was need.

Period.

That love kills the soul.

I still have moments when the thought "I need you to do...." comes in.

Or, "They should".

Each time I have this thought, I circle it back to me.

I need ME to do it.

I should do that.

Each time I bring the power back to me, it frees me. And, sets the other person free too.

To me, the greatest love of all time are free souls enjoying this life together!

Love is free.

If you are not free to be...it is not love!

It is need.

What are your unmet needs?

 

 

 

Waiting For

While reading about trust, I found the piece of the puzzle that always puzzled me.  

My passion and interest has been the complex nature of abuse and its generational clutches. How it seems this cycle is so damn hard to break. How families are locked tightly together loyally no matter the abuse.  

The opposing and conflicting dynamics has kept me engaged for so many years as I tried to unravel the mystery and legacy of abuse.

It seems at first blush, that we would avoid people who hurt us.

That who in their right mind would remain loyal to abusers?  

And, why would we, as adult children of abuse, pass this on to our children and/or become unable to end abuse?

Families where abuse happens, are often just the latest generation to experience abuse; it isn't a new family tradition - but tradition.

Once I awoke to the insanity of my dysfunctional family.  I was/am obsessed by the ways families pass this on like a family secret recipe.

This morning I read this in "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"Hope versus Trust"

"Learning to trust others means that you not only have an awareness of your own unmet needs, you also possess a consciousness of how desperate you are to get those needs met.  When you are desperate to meet a need, you can be easily swayed by the promise of something better than what you have previously experienced. When you are unaware of the need, its origin, or how it motivates your choices and behavior, you are no longer working with trust. You are holding on to hope."

"Hoping that someone will meet your needs and trusting his capacity to do so are very two different things. When you are hoping, you ignore, dismiss or diminish all of the physical and logical signs that are presented to indicate whether or not you can or should trust the other person. You downplay or reject the signs that suggest that what you want and the other person's capacity to give it to you are as separate as oil in water. When you are hoping to get your needs met with someone, more often than not you know it will not happen with this person, but you hope you are wrong. When, on the other hand, you trust, you see clear evidence that what you need is possible and that person you are involved with is willing and able to fulfill that need."

"Remember trust requires knowing that you are involved with a good person and that they have your best interests at heart.  You trust yourself enough to be vulnerable, and you trust that the person enough to believe they will not take advantage of you..." Iyanla

 

Sadly, the more needy you are, the less you will see clearly...and the more hopeful you have to be. You can't trust, for you can't even see who they truly are.

This blind need is overwhelmingly prevalent in dysfunctional homes.

I just re-watched Brene Brown speak of the Parent Manifesto. It speaks of children being seen, heard and valued.  

It is the complete opposite of what happens in an abusive home.  

Abuse and incest raise very needy children who are literally blind to the actions of their abusers BY the sheer NEED for love; to be seen, heard and valued.

I wondered what made the blindness. I thought it was their love for a parent/sibling.

It isn't love.

It is complete and utter need.

 What I am just learning is that this hungry need will block clear sight.

This need will overshadow everything.

They keep going back to the original source to get the love they think is still there.

I am not sure I can articulate this in the way my whole body knows this to be true.

But, this need, this deep deep hunger, eclipses all else.

It is wholly personal to each person.

Each individual has this unmet need.

In my experience with my family of origin, this is so very true. 

There literally wasn't anything I could have said or done to change the volume of need inside of them. The hungrier the need; the blinder they become.

What freedom this brings me; and peace.

I didn't make them hungry and I can't fill them up.

Need, the unmet need, steers their world.

I have felt helpless and incapable of being understood or heard.  What I never knew, was that it wasn't me that they couldn't see...but that their unmet NEED was bigger than me.

It is the unmovable wall between us.

At times today, this overwhelmed me with sadness.

For the very thing they hunger for is inside of them.

A self who is waiting to be seen, heard and valued BY you.

You are the one you are waiting for...

 

 

 

More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"MISMATCHES: EXPECTATIONS VERSUS CAPACITY"

"When you are intimate with a person you have an opportunity to observe their actual capacities. When there is a mismatch between the expectations of one person and the capacity of the other person to meet those expectations, the result will feel like a violation of trust. To hold someone to expectations beyond their demonstrated capacity is not a violation of your trust. It is a result of your not trusting what you know and insisting that it be different."

"There are times when we trust others, when we believe that they know what we think they know, when the truth is that, they do not know. We trust them based on our belief that they know and understand what we want; that they know and recognize what is important to us; and that they know what we expect and how they should behave in a given situation or under certain circumstances. We put our trust in them based on our perceptions. Unfortunately, thee has been no meeting of the minds, no spoken agreement, and no clear communication about what we are thinking. As a result, the other people have no way of fulfilling what is expected of them."

"In an intimate relationship, it is always important to know and clarify what the other person is agreeing to do or agreeing to be for you..."  Iyanla

 

What I love about understanding this, is that it isn't up to the other person to change BUT we have to change our expectations and our understanding what they are capable of.

Once you have a clear reading on who they are and what they are capable of you will lower your expectations.  And, the lowering may end relationships.

For by meeting reality head on, you may then realize what you see IS not what you truly want.

There is huge freedom for everyone when you understand this.

People are free to have their own capacity for living and choosing and being.

And, we in return can decide if this is acceptable in our relationships.

I have zero expectations of people being different than who they are.

None.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Once you live in the awareness of others and their capacity for engagement in life, you will be able to have your expectations meet them where they are.

It is to be at peace with reality.

Iyanla goes on...

"Communication can strengthen willingness, expectations, intimacy, and understanding, but without clear and definitive meeting of the minds, there can be no trust. And only with clear communication can you determine if two minds are aligned."

Meeting of the minds is huge.

The willingness to communicate, to share your feelings and viewpoints matter.

Trust happens when minds strive to see each others views.

When I think back on the ending of many relationships, it was that our minds were no longer aligned. Or, that the other person wasn't willing to dialogue their viewpoint with me OR when they did, our minds were worlds apart.

I left them comfortable with what they were doing and who they were being.

My level of intimacy rose higher than they could reach.

I wanted things they could not do.

I changed.

Expectations were now on different levels.

Could I have stayed in these relationships and lowered my expectations and/or wants and needs?  

I don't think so.

It would have changed me.

Lowered my character.

My being.

I also believe, especially when you are raised in dysfunctional homes, that it is imperative that we match our expectations with reality and to literally see the capacity of what another can do.

IF a man can rape his child it matters.

If a mother knows, it matters.

When you can disregard these behaviors it lowers your standard.

I don't expect more from others.

I expect more from me.

I raised my standards.

 

 

More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"To Trust or Not To Trust"

"It is impossible for people who are untrustworthy to become trustworthy simply because you want them to be that way. Trust is a matter of character. Some folks are untrustworthy because of the belief patterns that are tied to their past experiences. They may have  learned or come to believe that trustworthiness is not important. Others are untrustworthy as a matter of conscious or unconscious choice.  People show you who they are in what they do. This is not to say that people cannot change. They can.  Nevertheless, you must trust what you see people do and build your self-trust muscles until you have the capacity to say no to their inappropriate or unacceptable behavior the first time you encounter it."

"While it is possible to love untrustworthy people, continuing to place your trust in them is not wise. Trust grows from and deepens with intimacy. Trusting others requires that you first and foremost learn to be intimate with yourself. The more intimate you are with yourself, the more truth you can tell yourself about yourself. The more time you spend in contemplation of what makes you tick, the more you know who you are, and the more you will learn about whom you can trust. When you are not intimate with yourself, your attempts to trust others will always fall short because you will overlook the key elements and important signs revealed in their behavior."

"Self-intimacy fosters understanding. An understanding of yourself supports you in learning to see and understand other people. Understanding people is essential to your ability to trust them. This level of understanding is the result of the many small interactions and connections that occur over time. In the process, you learn to trust people's way of being: how they show up in the room, in the community, and in the world."

"Self-Protection"

"There is always an element of risk involved with trust, so you must be willing to risk being wrong about what you feel and sense. That means you must take precautions.  If protecting yourself by trusting what you know means hurting other people's feelings - so bit it. They can and will recover. However, when you trust yourself, your first thoughts will not be about anyone else, they will be about you and what feels right for you."

"Remember, when you do not trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. Instead you will ignore your inner voice and intuitive inklings and tell yourself that what you feel is wrong. Why? Because your suspicions will not hold the other person in a good light. When you cannot face the truth, you'll find excuses for demonstrated bad behavior that provides a clear indication that the person cannot be trusted."

"Often you will ignore the warning signs because they are simply too stressful or too difficult to acknowledge. Or the circumstances go against what you want to believe, and accepting the truth would create a domino effect in your life. So you dismiss or deny the very clear intuitive and explicit messages you receive by expecting people to live up to a level or capacity of trustworthiness that they simply cannot or choose not to honor."

"Whey you do not trust yourself, what you feel and what you know, you will expect people to be who they are not. You will hope against hope that they will do things you already know they cannot do. You will expect them to be who you want them to be rather than trusting what you know about who they are and what they are capable of doing. This is not trust. This is magical thinking, and engaging in it will set you up for a big letdown. Trusting yourself is important when dealing with others because it protects you from repeated violations and devastating heartbreaks."

"When you trust yourself, you are able to read situations and environments, and people in the way that supports your personal boundaries and keeps you safe. Self-trust also equips you to communicate to others clearly regarding what is and what is not acceptable. You know what feels right and what does not, and you do not question what you feel in response to what others may do or say."

"Never measure your inner clarity in response to what someone else may say or do.  When you trust yourself, people cannot talk you out of what you know from within. In fact, tell others what you know as a demonstration that they cannot and will not put one over on you.  You then have the ability and willingness to alter your behavior in a way that protects you and promotes an environment in which you feel safe, and environment you can trust."

"When you trust yourself, you know that it's okay to see people as they are without feeling bad when what you know does not put them in a good light. When you know certain people have a propensity for dishonesty, there is no need to feel bad about it. Trust yourself enough to take precautions about how you participate in their stories and activities and adjust what you expect from your interactions with them accordingly. When you trust yourself, you don't feel bad about knowing the truth about yourself or anyone else."

"As human beings we want to think the best about everyone. But the truth is, not everyone can be trusted. Some people are at a place in their own growth and learning where they do not honor themselves enough for you to trust them. It is also true that some people, at their current level of development, do not deserve to be trusted.  Yes, people can change. Yes, people deserve a second chance.  Yes, there will be those instances when you'll think everything seems fine, only to discover later that it was not. When you trust yourself, you will take clear, definitive action the moment you feel an inkling or see a sign that something is off.  In learning to trust others, you must learn how to distinguish between your current inner knowing and your judgement about people's past or past behaviors."

"Trusting others requires a level of intimacy, a depth of understanding, and clear evidence that the people being trusted have the capacity to honor and live up to your expectations."

"Performance Data"

"Trusting others is both a logical and an emotional experience that requires that your head and heart come into an agreement. Logically, you learn whether or not you can trust people by calculating the risk involved.  You may have faith in human nature and potential; however, you must also trust what you know based on what you have seen and experienced. In business this is called performance data."

"Trusting others requires that you gather and access the data being provided through communication and behavior before you invest your trust. This logical assessment has nothing to do with expecting people to "earn your trust,"  To do that is to ask others essentially to guarantee to you that they will not make any mistakes as they learn to live up to your expectations. That is not going to happen! People will make mistakes, and in doing so, they may hurt your feelings or sensibilities. This does not mean they cannot be trusted."

"The logical assessment that is required in learning to trust others means that you must determine, through intimate contact and communication whether or not who they are and what they do, keeps you safe. And whether or not the way they are being with you feels honorable and honest. When people never show up when they say they will, or when they always have an excuse or reason for not doing what they say they will, you can draw the logical conclusion that they probably cannot be trusted with more important things, like your heart."  Iyanla

 

I believe without self-trust you cannot get a true read on the outside world; you will do what she calls "magical thinking".  You will live in the land of make-believe, hoping against hope that things will not turn out as they truly ARE; but as you want them to be.

What I know to be true - for me - is that I lived for 46 years in the land of magical thinking and ignored how my body felt.  IT did not change reality, it only allowed me to deny reality.

I also love, that I don't have to feel bad for knowing and seeing other people's truth. It is not my view of them that decides who they are; it is their behavior.  I know this seems elementary; but when you are raised in dysfunction we are taught to believe it is our job to make others shine.

This codependent living creates zero self-trust; for we are going against our feelings in order to make others look good.  And, it leaves no choice. We have to engage and trust in those who fail us time and time again.

I love my new self-trust.  

I love how it feels and how in sync with reality I am.

I don't feel sad or feel the urge to apologize for someone else's poor behavior.

OR when my sharp stare sees who they really are.

We had a phrase in my childhood "Believe A Head".  Where we were gullible and I am sure lived in magical thinking.  I no longer live there.

I think a real Badass is someone who trusts themselves completely!

 

 

Convinced Wrongly

I wonder about the mass shootings and their correlation to our thoughts. In that, it is the mind who believes that there are superior colors, sex, nationality, sexual preferences, lifestyles, religions etc. We want to quickly ban guns; but nothing is said about the way we as a society have been taught to believe.

In my old church, I was taught to believe that being gay was wrong.

This simple wrong belief colored my world.

It tainted those who were born gay.

And it whitened me.

I was special.

I was better.

I was right.

Born correct.

They were choosing to be born wrong.

Sadly, I don’t even believe I thought further into my thought processes; but that there was something wrong with them. Period. Dismissed. Off my radar.  AND, I was right!  Being right, I thought no more.

As I sat in the park the other day, a child who appeared “different” walked by. My mind immediately said, “There is something wrong with her.

I was shocked in the terminology and the wrongness that I felt.

For her, it was totally right.

It was I who had something wrong with me.  I was putting her outside of what I was taught to believe was right.

This white straight and correct religion feeling of superiority IS the problem.

Our view of setting us up higher, and better, and chosen is where the annihilation happens.

Most will look upon the minorities weighing how far from the mark of superiority they are. Not seeing their value as they are; but how they don’t match what we as a society have believed to have more worth.

Just because we believe this doesn’t make it so.

I have battled with an abused mind.

Mine.

And the collective minds of my old church and family of origin.

You will be hell bent to change their minds.

Reality and life has no impact on what they think.

None.

Brainwashed in believing what they believe, not only totally, but blindly and without regard to who they have banished to the fringes of society.  

These God fearing folks are setting the graph where we all rise or fall - in.   No one is equal  outside of their circle.  All within - special, saved, right, chosen, loved by God.

What they fail to consider ARE the ones they have banned.  It isn't about those banned; but about themselves.  And, what they don't want to discuss is why these folks are banned.  

The easier route is to ban guns; the much harder route is to change the way we believe.

“A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.” Albert Einstein

I see these egregious acts as lessons for us all.

What are you believing about others who don’t look like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you, love like you, etc?  Be honest. Brutally honest!

And, where is the line drawn between believing they are wrong and hating? What is fueling these crimes?

Can the guns really carrying the majority of blame for these hate crimes? Do guns hate?

How is it that we don’t want to look at ourselves and see our part?

See what our religion teaches? Who is special and on the right path to heaven and all the others be damned. Who is less and who is more?

What can we blame for sex crimes?

Can we ban our sexual organs?

In order for us to have a real conversation about these crimes of hate, we have to start with what we believe about those who are different than ourselves.

What would happen to religion IF folks all found out we are all equal? 

That God didn't make a mistake or people didn't chose wrongly; but that all are perfectly human and equal!

The mind is the most flexible organ we have.

It is also the most rigid when beliefs are laced with fear.

My mind was blown apart when I discovered truths - ugly truths - in my family. Yet my wide open mind was then able to see what else I had falsely believed in.  And, in what ways was I completely insane in my thinking mind?

Can a closed mind see its own beliefs and see where it has set people on a scale that sees them lower than them?  How many of us want to dissect where our thoughts come from?  Or are you free to tear apart a religion when and if, it can't see humanity as equals?

We are our beliefs.

We live according to how we believe.

In my mind, it wasn’t the gun that killed those folks but the natural conclusion of a mind who believes that not all men are created equal.

When we ban this way of thinking - guns will be innocent.

Certainly it is a tool to be used to kill - but without a hateful, confused and insane mind - it is as innocent as a sexual organ.

When I discovered my own insane mind - I was terrified.  Of how blindly I followed behind the church and family and its teachings or models.  How unquestioning I was.  The lack of personal discernment was beyond shocking.

I had to look at the world again.

With an open mind.

A questioning one.

I had to experience the sins of the church to find their innocence.  

And, I had to look closely at what I thought was innocent to find evil.

These tragedies are great learning opportunities.

It isn't about taking away the innocent items (guns); but to look at our minds.

Each of us.

All I can say is that my mind had collected years worth of incorrect ideas.

My view of the world was based upon how I was told to see it.

Only a confused mind would believe that his only option is to kill someone.

It is easy to look outward for someone or something to blame.  

Harder to look within to see your own personal scale and how others fit upon it.

Not only to see your beliefs; but how you feel about others.

Remember, I was taught by my church community that being Gay was wrong.  An 'innocent church' taught me this. Not a hating organization or so I thought.  

I wasn't taught to hate them; but I certainly wasn't taught to value them. 

When we blame guns - the crazed mind goes un-noticed...theirs and ours.

If everyone could only experience the mental mind.  To find the space to look around what it believes and why.  

My mind was created by a cult like religion and an abusive family lifestyle.  It is no wonder how I saw the world.  It wasn't until I seen both in the reality, that I was able to see humanities equality.

It isn't those of us outside of religion that are spreading the messages of inequality. 

Nor are we teaching others how to think or what to believe in.

We have no rules, no rights and wrongs. We are simply living our lives based on our own souls desire.   

Churches are not as innocent as guns.  

Churches are brainwashing minds.

Teaching hate and to see someone as wrong - less -not okay.

What do guns teach - on their own?  

Laying in a gun case...

I was born in captivity in a brainwashed community/family.

My mind was completely convinced wrongly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who You Are

Every time I read a quote about waiting...that "your time is coming" or be patient and good things will come, I bristle.

It is a maddening scheme to keep you from enjoying what you have.

Or, at the very least, keeping you from seeing what is here, in the here and now. 

It is ruse by the mind to control your world.

What if you understood, to the marrow of your bones, that all we have is today?

What would you do?

What IF this is as good as it gets?

When I was sitting in my darkest days after discovering my abuse and that my father was a pedophile; my future was even darker.

The reel that was running proclaiming a brighter future was destroyed.

Even my mind wasn't convinced of a brighter day ahead.

However, as odd as it may seem, it was there that I found extreme simple joys.

Or, perhaps, the joys were outstanding among such ugliness.

The juxtaposition of evil compared to a brilliant sunrise, a bird singing or rain falling. Even the feel of my cozy robe as I watched flames dance in the fireplace - while my mind was spinning out of control with so many new horrifying truths.

What I know, is that don't buy into a brighter future; that this moment in time is not good. That better days are coming.

Instead seek to find the million morsels of happiness and joy in this day, this hour and right now.

It is there.

Dancing delightfully; always.

It doesn't matter how dark your world is - running right along side it are natures magical displays.

I recall, that for a few days or maybe weeks, I would just sit and watch birds. 

It may have been surrendering to what is that brought me to the present.

And, in the present moment were a zillion things to focus on.

When reality's truth overwhelmed me, when my emotions were overflowing, I watched nature's slow steady show.

It wasn't "coming someday", it was here.

I didn't have to work, strive, perfect or achieve.  I didn't have to heal first or find an answer or the right guru or book or group.  I literally could sit and look out the window.  Or, rush into the waiting arms of nature to walk and cry and sort and be and breathe.

Just stop the reel in your mind that wants to convince you that today isn't good.  That your future is better than right here.

Right here, today is where you will find the magic.

Look

Smell

Listen

Be

You are already where the mind believes it can take you.

I also had to literally pat things to remind me of this.

To quiet the mind.

I would touch something.

Shake my head to stop trying to predict the future and be here now.

Don't believe the quotes that promise something tomorrow.

You are living it now.

There is no doorway to someplace special in the future; there is only the doorway to Now!  There is no certain path or right way or perfect action. There is only you being you and doing what brings you love peace and joy. 

So, relax and turn your attention and seeking and desires to today.

See all that is being offered in this moment of time.

Be so busy in this moment; that you have no time to dream about the future!  

Art doesn't wait

or plan

Art happens when you play.

When you drop the mind's chatter about when and if and what if.

Life is the same.

It is a river of time and experiences waiting for you to jump in.

No requirements needed; but to be awake in this moment and accepting all that it is.

Inclusive

Illusive

Fleeting

Alive

Living Art is who you are!

 

Responses Matter to All

Social Media is a buzz about Brock Turner; the Stanford Rapist and his lenient sentence AND his father's response.

We all are responding.

Some are sharing.

Some are silent.

Outraged.

Sickened.

What is not so shocking to me IS the family response.

This IS very very typical. 

Not unusual in the least.

It is also NOT surprising that the judge looked more closely at how the sentencing will affect the perpetrator compared to the victim.

In my father's case, he had many more victims and was still released with serving only a few short weeks. The family was part of the sentencing.  The family was willing to house him.  The family was more concerned about him than any of his victims. Their response mattered.  It showed their values and morals.

What is unusual is another father's response to Brock's father.

Fathers should be outraged.

How we respond IS how our children understand where our morals and values lie.

It is their guideline for moral behavior.

What does this say about a father who shrugs rape down to 20 minutes of action?

The strong males in our society should be outraged at this example of fathering.

They should be speaking out!

How we teach our children IS our response to bad behavior.

In my experience, those who sided up to my father or made his crime less than what it was, lost huge moral ground in my eyes. I no longer could trust their moral compass.

It matters how we respond.

Know this and own it.

It doesn't matter who the victim and/or perpetrator is, HOW we respond shows the world who we are.

And, at the end of the day, our responses are who we are; always.

I have continued to stand by the side of victims.

My responses are clear; my actions readable.

There is no part of me trying to make what my father did okay. All my words, writings, speaking out, speaking up and sharing publicly my sexual abuse by my father IS my response to abuse.

If each of us were impeccable with our responses our world would change!

The rapist's father responded like typical family members. They want their old image of the person to remain. The future to be unchanged.  They want nothing to come in the way of their family member. They do not want this one act (or a few) or many to stand in the way of their reputation. God, I wish this was unusual.  Family denial IS the reason sexual abuse is a generational legacy.

What is unusual is to be willing to stand alone outside of your family.

It is unusual to not stand by them.

It is unusual to draw a line in cement and let the chips fall where they may.

To be willing to support the victim and let the family celebrations die.

Oh how I wish my response was the majority. 

Victimizing women and children would start its decline IF we could all take a hard stand no matter who the perpetrator is.  

Imagine the life of a victim then.

To be fully supported.

To have the family turn towards you and away from him!

Please, don't think that Brock's father is unusual.

He is only doing what the majority of families do.

What you do with abusers you know or those who are in your family matter.

Each time you decline to hold the perpetrator responsible; you turn away from the victims.

I know it is hard.

Believe me, I have lived it.

But harder still is to watch good people do nothing. Good people make poor choices in order to do the easy thing.  To not take action is to actually take action for the abuser.

The man who I applaud is the father who wrote to Brock's father.

I would share his words; but I can't get to the website.

Hopefully its crashed due to high volume.

We need men to stand and say it is not okay to make light of abuse ever.  

We need victims to stand in their innocence! 

We need everyone to be outraged by slight sentences and belittle crimes of abuse.

Responses matters to all.

 

 

Feel the Same

"Not the ones speaking the same language, but the ones sharing the same feeling understand each other."  Rumi

 

This is a huge clue to the silences I have in my world - we don't share the same feelings.

I knew it was beyond saying the correct words.

Or, finding the perfect way to say it.

And, even the right words with a nice tone and at the right and perfect time.

It is all about how we feel.

Feelings are the connectors, not only to our Self; but with others.

Can you truly understand someone if you don't feel the same way about crucial things?

The breach grows from feeling differently.

I looked up Breach just to make sure I understand what it means.

"an act of breaking or failing to observe a law, agreement, or code of conduct."

It is the lack of feeling similar about an event or failing to observe it the same way, that puts us at odds with understanding.

I truly haven't felt violent about our silences; but rather misunderstood.

Or, the breach may be with my act of breaking the silence, the code or law of family.  I broke with tradition and no longer treated the family as family.  I saw my father as a criminal who perpetrated many acts of violence towards little girls. I saw my mother as an adult who knew and did nothing.  This breach is not accepted by my family.

Our feelings towards our parents and abuse, is where we parted ways.

Silence grew from our differences.

We don't feel the same way, so we don't understand each other.

In the past there were many behaviors and character traits that I didn't see or feel or concern myself with.  I was lost in denial and detached from my feelings. Anything and everything was okay. Or, could be justified and overlooked. 

I also had very little self-esteem or self-worth, so my gauge was way off.

I literally believed to the depth of my being that my mother was a woman of high morals and values. That my old church carried the same.  And, that even I too was one who walked the same path.  Only to find out, that my denial had me unaware of many obscene  behaviors that were buried under the cloak of 'family' and the blessing of sins.

The more we bless away, the further from the truth we land.

I think, "Estrangement" would be best defined is the breach of understanding.

And, when we make a "breach" in the wall of denial about abuse, we are exiting the family and its unwritten rule.

Perhaps silence is the kindest way to be.

Today my family of origin celebrate a wedding.

I will keep away.

I honor our misunderstandings.

My feelings, my inner world would not be at peace with them.  My peace is found where I am understood.

I just love knowing that it is the lack of feeling the same about things, that has us at odds. I truly don't feel a personal violent punishing act of silence towards them.  But that I am very much misunderstood.

And, that is out of my realm of control or influence.

I am a peace with myself and with my feelings. And each of them are doing what brings them peace. 

And, I am sure they too feel misunderstood...by me.

But, as long as we understand ourselves and are at peace there, nothing else matters.

We can peacefully get on with our lives; doing what we love and what brings us joy.

Our silences just show us where we no longer feel the same.

 

 

 

 

Violent Silence

Is there a nobel silent space to be; a place where our silence honors us both and it is not a punishing silence?  Is the broken communication a peaceful spot?  What causes the breaks in conversations?  Is it the breach of truth or the fear of truth?

I am silent with many.

I have used my words trying to clear up muddy waters, until mud is flung my way.

If I feel I am being attacked, if our conversation is not gaining ground, if we both are holding rigid to our ends; I end it.  For it is seems like it isn't fruitful or peaceful to engage in the heated exchange.

Two polar opposites refusing to slide toward the center.

In fear perhaps.

Of losing our grip on reality.

Or self.

In the past, I have used the punishing silence.  It was my go to tool for anger.

I don't however feel that in my estrangement with my family it is punishing silence; but rather our mutual agreement that we don't agree.

That we view the world differently.

Abuse is handled in different ways.

We just don't agree.

The language and actions don't match.

Our common place is no more.

I wonder about the meaning of punishing.

"Physically and Mentally Demanding"

Wow.

"Arduous" was another word used.

It is the demanding part that I feel I am no longer doing.

Or trying to control anyone.

My silence, to me, doesn't feel like punishment.  However, I can't know what it feels like to them.

I do however, know what it is like to be silenced.

To have someone ask for space from me.

It does feel like I am being punished.

So, perhaps my family feels the same from me.

In my case, I am fairly certain I know why.

It is my words.

My views.

And, my willingness to share how I feel.

Was I demanding in my conversation?

Did my truth feel demanding?

Is that what an argument is...two people demanding that their point be the one we agree upon?

And, if we can't agree - than silence.

Punishing Silence - an act of violence.

Within me, I don't feel violent with my silence.

I would feel violent IF I broke the space when silence was asked for.

For, oddly enough, I have asked for space too AND it wasn't honored.

My boundary of space was trampled on.

I felt violently attacked by it.

This is all very interesting for me to ponder.

Honorable space or violent silence.

 

Punishing Silence?

"Steps for Developing Self-Trust" in Iyanla Vanzant's book "Trust".

Lesson #1: Standing in your truth. You must learn that you can stand in the face of judgment, criticism, correction or rejection without falling apart. Learning to trust yourself means that (a) You will make a mistake, and (b) When you do or even when you do not make a mistake, everyone is not going to agree with how you do what you do; and you will be okay.

Lesson #2: Speaking your truth.  Speaking from your heart means telling the whole truth about everything, to everyone, about the experience that you have in the moment. Speaking your truth does not mean that someone else's truth must be negated if it is different. This is a good place to consider a "what if." What if you feel the other person is totally and completely off base? What is what she has said or experienced has absolutely nothing to do with you? It matters not!  When you are learning to trust you, it is imperative that in the face of challenge, you default to the belief that what someone is offering is the truth as she knows it or feels it in that moment - even when it makes no sense to you.  Why? Because this is exactly what you are doing, sharing your truth.

Lesson #3: Being courageously vulnerable.  Speaking from your heart means being willing to be vulnerable.  We have already covered the importance of vulnerability on the journey toward developing self-trust. While the challenge to your speaking, actions or intentions may make you feel vulnerable and bad, you can feel bad and recover if and when you tell the truth. If your desire is really to trust who you are when you are interacting with others, you simply must learn how to be vulnerable and be courageous enough to stand in your vulnerability.

 

SPEAK YOUR FEELINGS WITHOUT ATTACK

Very often when people share their experience of us, they do so in a way that feels cold, distant, or just plain old mean. It would be wonderful if we all knew how to share what we need to say layered with compassion and understanding. Often, however, this is not the case. Instead, when it comes to conveying what could be perceived as a negative message, most people will do one of two things: (1) They will not say anything out loud but will instead demonstrate through their behavior that you have somehow caused them displeasure, upset, or anger, or (2) they will blurt out their retribution for your perceived transgression in a way that pierces your heart.

The first example , "punishing silence," is actually an act of violence. It is violent to withhold information that is required to keep peace in any given situation. In response and in an attempt to restore peace, you will either question your friend, only to get no response, or you will overcompensate with new behaviors and dishonor yourself in the process. In the second scenario, when the information she is blurting out hits your energy field, you will feel you must defend yourself against her attack. This means you will respond to her attack with a counterattack such as name calling, swearing, or digging into your history book and pulling out facts about her tarnished past, whether or not they relate to the issue at hand.  Again, this is all bad behavior.

In both of the scenarios above, you have a divine opportunity to build your self-trust muscle by sharing compassionately how you feel about what your friend is or is not doing and saying or not saying. The lesson here is to do so without expectations that she will change a single thing! This is your journey.  You are learning to trust yourself, and it has nothing to do with how someone else chooses to respond or not respond.  If you expect her to hear you and shift on a dime, you will fall headfirst into the belief that you were wrong to share what you were feeling.  Sharing your feelings without attacking someone who is behaving badly requires that you take a deep breath and share information. That's it.      Iyanla

 

This book has been so life affirming to me.  It has given me words that I have tried to articulate in my own journey of trusting me.  While traveling on my truthful journey I have lost many who engaged with me in attack mode.

I have felt the punishing silence and literally felt attacked. 

And, in the past, I would have adjusted my behavior or words to ward off the attack.

On the journey of self-truth and self-trust, it literally would have been dishonoring of me to not speak my truth...regardless of the ridicule and violent acts of silence.

It is rare to find someone who is willing to dialogue through to a peaceful resolution.  To allow each of you the space to be self-honoring. Where each are allowed their own version of the truth, without the expectations of anyone changing. 

Here is another section I highlighted further on.

"When I began the life-transforming work required to heal and learn and grow - to reestablish my value, worth and esteem - I had to teach myself the process of honesty. I learned that being honest was not the same as knowing and telling the truth. I had to learn the Creator's definition of honesty, and I had to teach myself the spiritual imperative of being honest with others and myself at all times, in all circumstances, under all circumstances."

"Truth is a universal principle. It is based on your awareness that universal principles exist. Universal truth is ever present and consistent through the universe of life; however, you may not be, or in most cases cannot be, fully aware of the totality of all that is true.  What you can do is share the truth as you know it to be: as a function of your awareness, belief, knowledge, and experience in any given moment. This does not alter the universal truth. What it does is it keeps you in alignment with what you know. Now here's the kicker: You can know the truth and still be dishonest."

"Honesty is determined by your values, by what really matters to you, and by your willingness to stand for those values when no one is looking. Being honest about what you know, need, or feel does not mean you negate what is true to others. They have had a different experience. They may have developed different survival skills than you developed. Honesty is a different animal.  Honesty is about your values and worth, and esteem.  It unfolds in response to your level of awareness, your willingness to honor that which you believe yourself to be, moment by moment. The great thing about honesty is that when you stand in it, you other permission to do the same in your presence."

"If you are going to trust yourself, you must be honest and honorable at all times, in all situations, under all circumstances.  No matter where you travel on the road of life, trust and truth are what you must learn.  Trust and truth are what you must practice. Trust and truth are what you must do."  Iyanla

I believe that our awareness of reality, of life, and even of ourselves will dictate how truthful we are.  And, our ability to speak our truth will come, the more we use this muscle.

My truthful muscle is very strong.

It was grown equally as my self-trust, worth and esteem have grown.

As hard as it may be to understand, we need to honor our true feelings and share our experiences of others, IN order to be stronger.  It feels like we may be attacked for doing so...and we may.  But, it is better to be attacked from the outside than from within

To annihilate yourself to please others.

Iyanla writes...

"I have always said that a major portion of my life took place when I was not "at home".  Although I was in my body, I was not present with my thoughts, my feelings, or the places within my consciousness that were in shambles."

To me, this is so true. When I wasn't speaking my truth I wasn't home in my body.

I was making choices to please others, to ward of attacks.

Now, it is imperative that I stay home for me.

That I don't leave my truth; for no one.

Regardless of the violent silence that will ensue.

I am at peace in the home of being Me!

My last thought.  I wonder how "asking for space" is different than punishing silence?