More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"MISMATCHES: EXPECTATIONS VERSUS CAPACITY"

"When you are intimate with a person you have an opportunity to observe their actual capacities. When there is a mismatch between the expectations of one person and the capacity of the other person to meet those expectations, the result will feel like a violation of trust. To hold someone to expectations beyond their demonstrated capacity is not a violation of your trust. It is a result of your not trusting what you know and insisting that it be different."

"There are times when we trust others, when we believe that they know what we think they know, when the truth is that, they do not know. We trust them based on our belief that they know and understand what we want; that they know and recognize what is important to us; and that they know what we expect and how they should behave in a given situation or under certain circumstances. We put our trust in them based on our perceptions. Unfortunately, thee has been no meeting of the minds, no spoken agreement, and no clear communication about what we are thinking. As a result, the other people have no way of fulfilling what is expected of them."

"In an intimate relationship, it is always important to know and clarify what the other person is agreeing to do or agreeing to be for you..."  Iyanla

 

What I love about understanding this, is that it isn't up to the other person to change BUT we have to change our expectations and our understanding what they are capable of.

Once you have a clear reading on who they are and what they are capable of you will lower your expectations.  And, the lowering may end relationships.

For by meeting reality head on, you may then realize what you see IS not what you truly want.

There is huge freedom for everyone when you understand this.

People are free to have their own capacity for living and choosing and being.

And, we in return can decide if this is acceptable in our relationships.

I have zero expectations of people being different than who they are.

None.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Once you live in the awareness of others and their capacity for engagement in life, you will be able to have your expectations meet them where they are.

It is to be at peace with reality.

Iyanla goes on...

"Communication can strengthen willingness, expectations, intimacy, and understanding, but without clear and definitive meeting of the minds, there can be no trust. And only with clear communication can you determine if two minds are aligned."

Meeting of the minds is huge.

The willingness to communicate, to share your feelings and viewpoints matter.

Trust happens when minds strive to see each others views.

When I think back on the ending of many relationships, it was that our minds were no longer aligned. Or, that the other person wasn't willing to dialogue their viewpoint with me OR when they did, our minds were worlds apart.

I left them comfortable with what they were doing and who they were being.

My level of intimacy rose higher than they could reach.

I wanted things they could not do.

I changed.

Expectations were now on different levels.

Could I have stayed in these relationships and lowered my expectations and/or wants and needs?  

I don't think so.

It would have changed me.

Lowered my character.

My being.

I also believe, especially when you are raised in dysfunctional homes, that it is imperative that we match our expectations with reality and to literally see the capacity of what another can do.

IF a man can rape his child it matters.

If a mother knows, it matters.

When you can disregard these behaviors it lowers your standard.

I don't expect more from others.

I expect more from me.

I raised my standards.