More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"To Trust or Not To Trust"

"It is impossible for people who are untrustworthy to become trustworthy simply because you want them to be that way. Trust is a matter of character. Some folks are untrustworthy because of the belief patterns that are tied to their past experiences. They may have  learned or come to believe that trustworthiness is not important. Others are untrustworthy as a matter of conscious or unconscious choice.  People show you who they are in what they do. This is not to say that people cannot change. They can.  Nevertheless, you must trust what you see people do and build your self-trust muscles until you have the capacity to say no to their inappropriate or unacceptable behavior the first time you encounter it."

"While it is possible to love untrustworthy people, continuing to place your trust in them is not wise. Trust grows from and deepens with intimacy. Trusting others requires that you first and foremost learn to be intimate with yourself. The more intimate you are with yourself, the more truth you can tell yourself about yourself. The more time you spend in contemplation of what makes you tick, the more you know who you are, and the more you will learn about whom you can trust. When you are not intimate with yourself, your attempts to trust others will always fall short because you will overlook the key elements and important signs revealed in their behavior."

"Self-intimacy fosters understanding. An understanding of yourself supports you in learning to see and understand other people. Understanding people is essential to your ability to trust them. This level of understanding is the result of the many small interactions and connections that occur over time. In the process, you learn to trust people's way of being: how they show up in the room, in the community, and in the world."

"Self-Protection"

"There is always an element of risk involved with trust, so you must be willing to risk being wrong about what you feel and sense. That means you must take precautions.  If protecting yourself by trusting what you know means hurting other people's feelings - so bit it. They can and will recover. However, when you trust yourself, your first thoughts will not be about anyone else, they will be about you and what feels right for you."

"Remember, when you do not trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. Instead you will ignore your inner voice and intuitive inklings and tell yourself that what you feel is wrong. Why? Because your suspicions will not hold the other person in a good light. When you cannot face the truth, you'll find excuses for demonstrated bad behavior that provides a clear indication that the person cannot be trusted."

"Often you will ignore the warning signs because they are simply too stressful or too difficult to acknowledge. Or the circumstances go against what you want to believe, and accepting the truth would create a domino effect in your life. So you dismiss or deny the very clear intuitive and explicit messages you receive by expecting people to live up to a level or capacity of trustworthiness that they simply cannot or choose not to honor."

"Whey you do not trust yourself, what you feel and what you know, you will expect people to be who they are not. You will hope against hope that they will do things you already know they cannot do. You will expect them to be who you want them to be rather than trusting what you know about who they are and what they are capable of doing. This is not trust. This is magical thinking, and engaging in it will set you up for a big letdown. Trusting yourself is important when dealing with others because it protects you from repeated violations and devastating heartbreaks."

"When you trust yourself, you are able to read situations and environments, and people in the way that supports your personal boundaries and keeps you safe. Self-trust also equips you to communicate to others clearly regarding what is and what is not acceptable. You know what feels right and what does not, and you do not question what you feel in response to what others may do or say."

"Never measure your inner clarity in response to what someone else may say or do.  When you trust yourself, people cannot talk you out of what you know from within. In fact, tell others what you know as a demonstration that they cannot and will not put one over on you.  You then have the ability and willingness to alter your behavior in a way that protects you and promotes an environment in which you feel safe, and environment you can trust."

"When you trust yourself, you know that it's okay to see people as they are without feeling bad when what you know does not put them in a good light. When you know certain people have a propensity for dishonesty, there is no need to feel bad about it. Trust yourself enough to take precautions about how you participate in their stories and activities and adjust what you expect from your interactions with them accordingly. When you trust yourself, you don't feel bad about knowing the truth about yourself or anyone else."

"As human beings we want to think the best about everyone. But the truth is, not everyone can be trusted. Some people are at a place in their own growth and learning where they do not honor themselves enough for you to trust them. It is also true that some people, at their current level of development, do not deserve to be trusted.  Yes, people can change. Yes, people deserve a second chance.  Yes, there will be those instances when you'll think everything seems fine, only to discover later that it was not. When you trust yourself, you will take clear, definitive action the moment you feel an inkling or see a sign that something is off.  In learning to trust others, you must learn how to distinguish between your current inner knowing and your judgement about people's past or past behaviors."

"Trusting others requires a level of intimacy, a depth of understanding, and clear evidence that the people being trusted have the capacity to honor and live up to your expectations."

"Performance Data"

"Trusting others is both a logical and an emotional experience that requires that your head and heart come into an agreement. Logically, you learn whether or not you can trust people by calculating the risk involved.  You may have faith in human nature and potential; however, you must also trust what you know based on what you have seen and experienced. In business this is called performance data."

"Trusting others requires that you gather and access the data being provided through communication and behavior before you invest your trust. This logical assessment has nothing to do with expecting people to "earn your trust,"  To do that is to ask others essentially to guarantee to you that they will not make any mistakes as they learn to live up to your expectations. That is not going to happen! People will make mistakes, and in doing so, they may hurt your feelings or sensibilities. This does not mean they cannot be trusted."

"The logical assessment that is required in learning to trust others means that you must determine, through intimate contact and communication whether or not who they are and what they do, keeps you safe. And whether or not the way they are being with you feels honorable and honest. When people never show up when they say they will, or when they always have an excuse or reason for not doing what they say they will, you can draw the logical conclusion that they probably cannot be trusted with more important things, like your heart."  Iyanla

 

I believe without self-trust you cannot get a true read on the outside world; you will do what she calls "magical thinking".  You will live in the land of make-believe, hoping against hope that things will not turn out as they truly ARE; but as you want them to be.

What I know to be true - for me - is that I lived for 46 years in the land of magical thinking and ignored how my body felt.  IT did not change reality, it only allowed me to deny reality.

I also love, that I don't have to feel bad for knowing and seeing other people's truth. It is not my view of them that decides who they are; it is their behavior.  I know this seems elementary; but when you are raised in dysfunction we are taught to believe it is our job to make others shine.

This codependent living creates zero self-trust; for we are going against our feelings in order to make others look good.  And, it leaves no choice. We have to engage and trust in those who fail us time and time again.

I love my new self-trust.  

I love how it feels and how in sync with reality I am.

I don't feel sad or feel the urge to apologize for someone else's poor behavior.

OR when my sharp stare sees who they really are.

We had a phrase in my childhood "Believe A Head".  Where we were gullible and I am sure lived in magical thinking.  I no longer live there.

I think a real Badass is someone who trusts themselves completely!