"Steps for Developing Self-Trust" in Iyanla Vanzant's book "Trust".
Lesson #1: Standing in your truth. You must learn that you can stand in the face of judgment, criticism, correction or rejection without falling apart. Learning to trust yourself means that (a) You will make a mistake, and (b) When you do or even when you do not make a mistake, everyone is not going to agree with how you do what you do; and you will be okay.
Lesson #2: Speaking your truth. Speaking from your heart means telling the whole truth about everything, to everyone, about the experience that you have in the moment. Speaking your truth does not mean that someone else's truth must be negated if it is different. This is a good place to consider a "what if." What if you feel the other person is totally and completely off base? What is what she has said or experienced has absolutely nothing to do with you? It matters not! When you are learning to trust you, it is imperative that in the face of challenge, you default to the belief that what someone is offering is the truth as she knows it or feels it in that moment - even when it makes no sense to you. Why? Because this is exactly what you are doing, sharing your truth.
Lesson #3: Being courageously vulnerable. Speaking from your heart means being willing to be vulnerable. We have already covered the importance of vulnerability on the journey toward developing self-trust. While the challenge to your speaking, actions or intentions may make you feel vulnerable and bad, you can feel bad and recover if and when you tell the truth. If your desire is really to trust who you are when you are interacting with others, you simply must learn how to be vulnerable and be courageous enough to stand in your vulnerability.
SPEAK YOUR FEELINGS WITHOUT ATTACK
Very often when people share their experience of us, they do so in a way that feels cold, distant, or just plain old mean. It would be wonderful if we all knew how to share what we need to say layered with compassion and understanding. Often, however, this is not the case. Instead, when it comes to conveying what could be perceived as a negative message, most people will do one of two things: (1) They will not say anything out loud but will instead demonstrate through their behavior that you have somehow caused them displeasure, upset, or anger, or (2) they will blurt out their retribution for your perceived transgression in a way that pierces your heart.
The first example , "punishing silence," is actually an act of violence. It is violent to withhold information that is required to keep peace in any given situation. In response and in an attempt to restore peace, you will either question your friend, only to get no response, or you will overcompensate with new behaviors and dishonor yourself in the process. In the second scenario, when the information she is blurting out hits your energy field, you will feel you must defend yourself against her attack. This means you will respond to her attack with a counterattack such as name calling, swearing, or digging into your history book and pulling out facts about her tarnished past, whether or not they relate to the issue at hand. Again, this is all bad behavior.
In both of the scenarios above, you have a divine opportunity to build your self-trust muscle by sharing compassionately how you feel about what your friend is or is not doing and saying or not saying. The lesson here is to do so without expectations that she will change a single thing! This is your journey. You are learning to trust yourself, and it has nothing to do with how someone else chooses to respond or not respond. If you expect her to hear you and shift on a dime, you will fall headfirst into the belief that you were wrong to share what you were feeling. Sharing your feelings without attacking someone who is behaving badly requires that you take a deep breath and share information. That's it. Iyanla
This book has been so life affirming to me. It has given me words that I have tried to articulate in my own journey of trusting me. While traveling on my truthful journey I have lost many who engaged with me in attack mode.
I have felt the punishing silence and literally felt attacked.
And, in the past, I would have adjusted my behavior or words to ward off the attack.
On the journey of self-truth and self-trust, it literally would have been dishonoring of me to not speak my truth...regardless of the ridicule and violent acts of silence.
It is rare to find someone who is willing to dialogue through to a peaceful resolution. To allow each of you the space to be self-honoring. Where each are allowed their own version of the truth, without the expectations of anyone changing.
Here is another section I highlighted further on.
"When I began the life-transforming work required to heal and learn and grow - to reestablish my value, worth and esteem - I had to teach myself the process of honesty. I learned that being honest was not the same as knowing and telling the truth. I had to learn the Creator's definition of honesty, and I had to teach myself the spiritual imperative of being honest with others and myself at all times, in all circumstances, under all circumstances."
"Truth is a universal principle. It is based on your awareness that universal principles exist. Universal truth is ever present and consistent through the universe of life; however, you may not be, or in most cases cannot be, fully aware of the totality of all that is true. What you can do is share the truth as you know it to be: as a function of your awareness, belief, knowledge, and experience in any given moment. This does not alter the universal truth. What it does is it keeps you in alignment with what you know. Now here's the kicker: You can know the truth and still be dishonest."
"Honesty is determined by your values, by what really matters to you, and by your willingness to stand for those values when no one is looking. Being honest about what you know, need, or feel does not mean you negate what is true to others. They have had a different experience. They may have developed different survival skills than you developed. Honesty is a different animal. Honesty is about your values and worth, and esteem. It unfolds in response to your level of awareness, your willingness to honor that which you believe yourself to be, moment by moment. The great thing about honesty is that when you stand in it, you other permission to do the same in your presence."
"If you are going to trust yourself, you must be honest and honorable at all times, in all situations, under all circumstances. No matter where you travel on the road of life, trust and truth are what you must learn. Trust and truth are what you must practice. Trust and truth are what you must do." Iyanla
I believe that our awareness of reality, of life, and even of ourselves will dictate how truthful we are. And, our ability to speak our truth will come, the more we use this muscle.
My truthful muscle is very strong.
It was grown equally as my self-trust, worth and esteem have grown.
As hard as it may be to understand, we need to honor our true feelings and share our experiences of others, IN order to be stronger. It feels like we may be attacked for doing so...and we may. But, it is better to be attacked from the outside than from within
To annihilate yourself to please others.
Iyanla writes...
"I have always said that a major portion of my life took place when I was not "at home". Although I was in my body, I was not present with my thoughts, my feelings, or the places within my consciousness that were in shambles."
To me, this is so true. When I wasn't speaking my truth I wasn't home in my body.
I was making choices to please others, to ward of attacks.
Now, it is imperative that I stay home for me.
That I don't leave my truth; for no one.
Regardless of the violent silence that will ensue.
I am at peace in the home of being Me!
My last thought. I wonder how "asking for space" is different than punishing silence?
