IMPERFECT Lady

Be You!

 

 

I think I figured out the reason Cancellation is such a trigger for me.  In the old days when I was separated from me due to religion and abuse, I didn't know how to stand firm for me. The way free from abuse is to have the freedom to choose and to stick to your guns, if you will.  AND, to even spot a Self worthy of freedom, of choice, and a voice.

Most often, I see the cancellation be for the need of other.  Or, even as some shared, for the mental mind.  It is rarely good for the soul.

I see freedom of choice and the power to stick to your passions, loves and desires...as embracing the soul of who you are.  The deeper nature of you grows each time you declare this is my moment in time and this is what I choose to do.

I see the split between what you should do, are expected to do and then what makes your soul sing.  Often cancellations puts your soul on hold.

I lived separated from mine for 46 years.

And, the past decade has been spent defining me.

Does this makes sense to anyone?

Following your soul or even more importantly, finding who your soul is, means to pay close attention to your actions and words and how you follow through or when and who your veer off course for.

Be inspired to be YOU!

 

When they cancel.

I have been wondering about the reasons people change their minds. What causes them to make plans only to cancel?  Was it the thoughtless Yes in the first place; where they didn't really think through what they were saying yes to?  Do they not feel the honesty of their yes and find it easily discarded?  

There is also a second part to cancellations, the person who has now been stood up.  How do you respond to being discarded?  Are there circumstances that feel less personal and do you go ahead with the event alone?

Is there a weakening trust issue when it happens on a regular basis?  What does it say about you and I, when we continue to engage in pretend plan making?

It triggers within me the feeling of mattering less.  Remembering how adult plans often changed at a moments noticed and children were then powerless to continue on alone.

For some reason this has nagged at me.

Maybe I want more for the cancelling person than they do.  I want their Yes to be firm and confident and trustworthy.  

It feels like I was part of a dream that didn't happen.

And, it jades me to dream again...with them.

I don't easily drop plans.

But, I also don't always say Yes...when I am not sure it is Maybe.

A Maybe Dream.

Not a Yes Dream.

I am also pretty sure I have not always been this way. I know I have cancelled due to a 'better dream' and have certainly disappointed others.

I also firmly believe that our confidence in ourselves, our self trust is when we can follow our Yes word with matching actions.  

Being true to your word is character, for what else is there to a person?

Even being true to your word for yourself. Which is much harder for me.  I don't easily cancel with a friend; but have left me high and dry repeatedly.

I am getting better.

I try to dream more reasonably and not set unrealistic expectations. Instead think before I say yes or dream or plan...so actions can follow my words.

I am learning not to take it personally, when someone cancels their time with me and realize it is the way they manage their lives or the fluid way their lives move.  

My steady is me and my word.

I then get to choose to go ahead with our date; but solo.

This part is where I am going to concentrate on. What I can or cannot do.

It takes the power of fun away from them and places it back to me.

And, going alone isn't something I am comfortable with and need to do more of it.

For I am changing plans with me, when they cancel.

 

 

 

 

You got this!!

An idea turns into a dream.  You then take steps to make that dream a reality. You take steps in the direction of your dream.  You learn new things.  You stretch in ways you couldn't imagine.  You grow and change; you become different.

My dream sat on the horizon of my future.  A moment in time that awaited me and all the adventure it could possibly hold.  A fun empowering mountain to be climbed.

It has already taken me places I would not have gone and done things I would never have tried.  I loved my dream on the horizon.  I loved how it changed me.  I loved its potential.

Yesterday a Doctor's advice sliced the dream away.

Gone.

The dream of hiking 100 miles with a pack was not to be for me.

This reality was harder to hear than eventual hip replacement.

But, I could not discount reality as they maneuvered my hips and could see the limited range of motion in my left hip.  Nor, could I ignore the visual x-ray showing my declining health in my hips.  Yes, that's right. The right one is following behind the left and sprinkling arthritis around its joint.

I know this is not a death sentence.

It is a fork in the road.

A place where a new dream will arise.

Biking has been a huge relief to my hips and it is so easy on my body compared to hiking.

A biking adventure seed has been planted...as I mourn the loss of my hiking trek with women in new directions!  

Oh, how I had visualized the hike, the moments on the trail, the camp sites, the nights and sounds of nature, and the eventual step of that last mile.  The feelings of accomplishment and tears of joy that I MADE it!  Honestly, I dreamed it all.

I had envisioned all the places my pack (Ruby) and I would go, and now it is too heavy for my hips. 

My body and soul, and sense of adventure now will find new ways to achieve what I seek.

I am not going to sit back on the couch, but move in ways that strengthen my body and are kind to my arthritic hips.  Biking is like a balm to them.  Yoga feels especially good.  But, no badass hikes.    

Reality meets the dream.

And, reality wins.

I will continue to work out, to train and to be physically fit and a new dream will arise and I will be ready.

For those who will continue on the hike, I am your biggest cheerleader!  I will await all the stories you will have to tell. All the places you overcame and conquered your fears. The bonding, the laughs, tears and just pure pleasure of being in nature with each other.

Go Badass Hiker Girls, you got this!!

 

 

Reality Arose

More wonderful insights from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant"

 

"When you are taught to think that you are inherently wrong, that something is wrong with you, and/or that you are guilty, you see others in the same light. These thought forms and the energy they carry not only make you suspicious, they become the filter through which you see everyone and everything. When these thought forms and thought filters of wrongness and guilt are then shaded with a belief system grounded in inferiority and superiority based on race, your instincts, reflexes, and reactions become knee-jerk rather than reality based."

"When you think that someone else thinks you are wrong or guilty because of the color of your skin, your responses to them are not grounded in reality. They are the result of programming and conditioning."

"By the same token, when people think that who you are is wrong, or that you are guilty of something simply by virtue of your race or skin color, their responses to and interactions with you will be knee-jerk and preprogrammed rather than genuinely appropriate to any specific situation. Unfortunately, whether you are reacting to your own internal programming or you are being reacted upon because of someone else's programming, in many, many cases, the reaction is unconscious and, therefore, difficult to acknowledge or correct.  As a human being, you fight for what you believe, whether you know you believe it or not. When what you believe is unconscious, you may not be able to control or monitor the ways you fight to prove it is true."  Iyanla

 

These unconscious beliefs of wrongness; whether it be you or others who are wrong, or right, truly does create a shield over reality.  We unconsciously block reality and then believe we are right about what is 'wrong'...or wrong about what is right.

Never truly seeing anything but our beliefs.

What I have come to learn is that I wasn't seeing 'wrong' folks, I was literally looking wrongly at life.

This is a huge difference; and leaves everyone as they are.

When the programmed beliefs of mine dropped, it was to see how wrong I was taught...NOT how wrong others were.  

What we call "judgement" literally is what we believe to be true.

It doesn't make it true - just what we were taught was true.

This may confuse many and your own beliefs may argue as you read this.

There is an odd comfort in believing you are right and a discomfort in knowing you may be wrong.

Even today, my old beliefs wiggle and squirm when an old right is made wrong.

I am not sure there is a bigger culprit of creating judgement than churches.

Each presents their beliefs to be right and in doing so colors everyone else wrong.

The very organizations that proclaim love and peace really teach the opposite.

Allowing and accepting everyone as equals would render churches mute.

They would just be a structure with pretty windows.

Funny, in a peculiar way, how they have colored glasses.

Perhaps an unconscious sign they don't see clearly.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I have judged and rejected many with my beliefs. And, what it cost me not to see clearly.  My programming inside of my head was completely screwed up. 

Many worry about the badness of others or their lifestyle or political views....and their religious upbringing.  Few ponder what program lives within them.

How do you see other humans in this world, their color, country or lifestyle?

Who is correct and who makes it so?

Or maybe it is easier to look deeply into what you feel is wrong and why.

The right world is most likely the one you were taught to live in.  

How wide of a circle is this one right world and who does it include and who more importantly does it exclude.

What a right religion excludes, shows the size of their inclusiveness.

The smaller the circle the more cult-like and extreme its beliefs.

Many feel that the world would come apart at the seams if it weren't for churches. I believe it would fall free in love, peace and joy.

Imagine a world where there were was no judgment?

Where humanity had a zillion expressions of right being.

I am so very grateful each time an old belief is proved wrong by a wonderful loving being; showing me it is so.

It is so much easier living outside the 'sins' and wrongs of the church.

When my church lay in tattered ruins...a brilliant reality arose.