IMPERFECT Lady

Pretend to Silence

It has been a year or more, a silence that is loud.

Distant in its darkness.

Unknown what was once so familiar.

Once daily and deeply, now gone completely.

Family was our connection, and beyond.

Our mutual curiosity

understanding our wounds

childhood patterns

struggles to balance

and, energetic highs of awareness.

The wider expanding growth from the smallest darkest parts of ourself.

We walked with each other through parts of the journey that were brilliantly tragic.

And, then.

Silence.

Space

No contact

Can this ending mark the content of our million conversations?

Does it take away feelings?

Is the space on hold?

Until - 

In the early years of losing a family member, my mind consoled itself by saying "for now".

I couldn't contemplate forever.

With all the learning I have learnt about dysfunctional and post traumatic scars is that nothing is reliable.

Again perhaps, the best we can hope for is loving the ambiguity of it all.

I just never thought, our daily talks would leap to year(s) of silence.

Was this pre-ordained? 

In the master plan?

For us to re-work our inner family dialogue just to separate?

What is interesting, is that I can connect with someone so deeply and still lose contact.

I didn't foresee this fork in the road.

Not, that there would be one minute of conversation I would regret or not do.

I believe, our time together was a life changing event in my life.

It allowed me to redo my family tie.

In an honest, open, vulnerable way.

To go beneath and address the wounds, fears, joys and peace, and freedom to be.

This exact model, is what has me honoring the space.

It is a free choice.

Not mine, but against me.

My presence is no longer wanted/needed/required.

I was set free.

I don't hold anger.

But, have felt grief.

The same as if someone has died.

The moments when I would have LOVED to share the highs, the lows and even the mundane.

My now familiar stance to have relationships die while the body and life move on.

I can no more force a relationship to live, any more than a person can force a body that is dead to live.

There is an misguided sentiment among society, that we at least "have the opportunity to reconnect" to get it back.

Which puts me (us) in an awkward stance.

Like, we didn't 'mean' to part ways.

We unknowingly exited out of a relationship OR that our reasons were not good enough.

We have a choice to rekindle the old flames.

What most do not take into count is that 'something' changed.

The something that used to draw us close IS now repelling us.

Moving them away from me.  Or in some cases, me from them.

This too is natural in the content of our interactions with each other.

Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a line; that when crossed it is over.

Mostly, I see it as the last step before a truth will be revealed.

A door shuts.

I am outside.

The truth and I...

The veil falls down between us.

An ironclad curtain of denial.

We certainly could be in the same room, house and town; but standing between us is the fact that we do not relate to reality equally.  

The curtain gives them comfort, while it hides them from me.

And, even me from them.

I often feel like I am in a very strange land, or perhaps the strangest in the land.

I can't just allow the curtain to fall into place without acknowledging what It is hiding.

Like a sister once said, "I can't pretend to pretend to pretend" and yet they all do.

What I have learned in the podcast with Rob Bell, is that families and groups and even religions, have things they don't talk about. And, when someone has to live a life talking about the things no one talks about, _ mostly the truth_ it leaves them outside the circle.

So, while it is true, that like the Rilke's poem "I live my life in widening circles", it often leaves me losing a circle of familiar connection.

I have also learned, that those left will strengthen the core that remains. It doesn't even matter if what remains is good.  They will tighten those connections...so, the concentration if you will, deepens. And, it broadens the gap between us.

So, in the lines of dysfunctional families, they become more dysfunctional each generation.

Yikes

Think on this.

It will get darker.

The last connection to my family broke a year ago.  This was the most authentically dysfunctional connection I had.  Not in denial; but in total awareness to the cost and consequence of being raised as we were raised.

I don't have for him, or the rest, an expectation.

Nothing is required from me.

I honor his journey as time and space fills up with strangeness between us.

The familiar grows strange.

Ambiguity lies where I thought there was deep mutual respect.

Forming and keeping relationships with scars of abuse and its affects is tricky at best.

You can never know when the abused mind will lock you out.

I can't even blame them...or me.

I had heard Glennon Doyle Melton speak about one day her inner honesty arose.  It was born in her. She could no more deny it than not breathe.

That is me.

I didn't go out seeking this core of honesty.

It woke up one day and will not die.

I live now like an truth detector - or more like a truth speaker.

I can't pretend, lie or kinda sorta believe in a non-truth.

If we are in a relationship, it will dance between us.

I like it.

It cuts the dance of pretend to silence.

 

 

 

 

Podcasts by Rob Bell

Rob Bell and I would not seem to be a natural connection. For his passion or what he loves is often laced with bible verses.  Yet my truth and his deeper level of knowing life match.

 His series on Lamenting is brilliant!  There are 5 parts and they build on each other. I highly recommend listening, IF you are in pain and grief or feel unheard etc. He was a huge affirmation.

 

In fact, the word Lament means "a passionate expression of grief or sorrow and mourning."

Perhaps, I am the living example of what he speaks of. 

He is able to take the past and make it revenant today...if that makes sense.

And, when I left the church, I didn't leave behind the soul of who I am or the truth of what the Universe Is.  

I heard on one of his podcasts "Look at your God and you can see who you are."

I love this. 

I also heard about one God, one Universe, one Reality, one Truth. Some call it God, I call it Truth.  It is all the same. This is my tone.

There are not two different realities going on at one time. 

My lamenting is my expressing my sorrow and grief of all the ramifications of daring to speak your truths against the unspoken rule of what we are allowed to talk about.

All, I know, is that there are more and more folks who are rising to living a life more authentic and use truth to healing...as a power.

I feel I am in good company.

Even for those who have been severely put off by the FALC and its cult like traditions, Rob Bell may be a way to come back to center. 

In fact, he interviews a woman Rabbi and She is the way forward in all religions. 

Again, while religion has been a taboo subject for me I found her completely authentic and someone relatable. 

 

Her tone is delightful - and completely accepting!

I love that there are some brave souls who have the ability to impact the worlds religions and are daring to push back the old ways that no longer work and are willing to create new energies that will change the world!

Bringing truth to religion - what a concept! 

I believe, we intuitively know what connects with the truth. And, we also know when we are moving towards it or away. We can tell by how our life reflects inner peace, love and joy AND freedom!

God's name of God in the old church had me recoil from it's name. My preferred name is Universe for it doesn't come with the trappings of the old energies of the FALC. 

In fact, religion as a rule has bad vibes for me.  

Understanding the Universe has to be where you can apply it to Monday morning.

If not, it is a dead religion.

Even if you are not a regular participant in any church, or maybe especially if you are not, you might enjoy these podcasts.  

 

Loving What Is

Alexander Shaia and Rob Bell talked about the El Camino and the Journey; the Way, and how there is no preparation for life after the life/soul changing hike.  I feel the exact same way about breaking out of denial.

It all sounds wonderful and maybe even kind; but the re-entrance and living with the new self is often quite alarming.

You will be required to think about life and the choices you want to make.  You are no longer on the wheel of knowing and living in automation...as the only self you knew prior.

A new awareness of who you are has arisen.

A conscious self who feels we are co-creators and what we say and do matter in the making us Us.

It is vital and very discerning to see how each thing we say and do adds a layer upon our Self.  Actions are no longer just things; but who we are.

This integration of a new self in an old life often makes folks head back to the El Camino.

What happens though when The Way was to become aware of abuse?

Where can you pack up and go back to?

I believe I was unaware I was on a path or journey or a thing called The Way as I explored and questioned and read new authors who saw life in a new way. I didn't realize I was traversing towards a new self...or even leaving denial.

I was just no longer happy with the dead church.  It lay uninspired and more about fear than living.  More about death than living.  More about following than being. More about after death than before death. More about wiping away reality, than reality.

What I didn't know, is that I was starting to go deeper into life.  Leaving the surface and the usual rhetoric.  The shallow self was slowly growing smaller and a new wider deeper version of me was sprouting.

When I look back at the day I found out who my father was, it was a day of reckoning with the truth.  It was a pivotal moment on The Way.

From that point on, I could not Not know.

It was the turning point of no returning.

What I have failed to consider is that very few, if any in my family were on a similar path; that the language I speak is foreign to them.  My experiences is not theirs.

Even if they could try and understand, it would be from the shallow level. 

When I lived in the shallows; I wasn't even aware of the deeps.

Let alone did I have any desire, intention or need to converse with people who dwelled in the deeper levels of life.

What amazes me, is how I forget to remember where I was, how I was or what I only cared about.

My language and experience of my mental break down into reality,  is beyond what their language can hold.  

It is like I am an alien...but familiar.

Ambiguity arises again.

And I am expecting them to understand me, without taking their own journey into the deep level of the soul. Impossible.

They also spoke about "openings" on The Way.  How we can sometimes miss the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves for a variety of reasons.

We can't know when those openings will arise; but they will. We do however have the free will to pass and stay shallow.

Oh, and today, I heard today with Rob Bell, "All systems bend toward self-preservation."

That groups will lean toward what is good for the group.  I am so an example of that.  

In my experience, the family's preservation had them seeing me as wrong...to preserve the family.

It isn't all to blame on my changing, but their need to preserve the family at all costs (mainly me) matters more.  I am by far secondary and much lower on the totem pole in their hierarchy of needs.

A sentiment was written to me, "Life is short, my prayer is that someday you will be back in our lives."

This sentence is an act to control me.  To reign me in, to get me back in line within the family.  

What I marvel about, is that most who have spoken to me, speak from the level of the group and not as an individual.  Our individual relationship is non-existent.  "In our lives" is different, than in my life.

It is good to know, that the nature of systems is to bend towards self-preservation.  It isn't personal.  A family group is doing what systems naturally do.

I too used to see the family as one lump...and each of us had a role, and responsibility, in keeping our family together.  

My opening to a deeper self had me glimpsing at the truth that lay beneath our family. It was the most critical part on my journey.  Had I missed this opening, I would not be who I am today.

While the journey has been one of a million sorrows, it has also been brilliantly orchestrated and wildly full of free will...and the journey of self-love.

I hope to one day walk this El Camino, a narrow stretch of land, whose reputation is that it opens you to your soul...or a deeper level of life.  A journey that changes how you see yourself in the world.

I love how we are asked to change ourselves and not the world around us.  But, for us to see it as it is.

One more thing.  I have seen often on Facebook, "I hope something good happens to you today", or "Something good is on its way to you soon" etc.  

What this does is leave you out of today. It keeps you hoping for 'something' coming.  It doesn't say, look around your path today. Look beneath your feet, in the space where your breath is for something good.  Find the gold today.  Find your happiness and joy here.  You can do it.  It isn't coming on a whim in some distant future brought by some unknown thing.  

It is here Now.  

It is already here.  

Look and see what wonder your journey holds today.

Stop waiting.

The journey is unfolding each day, see the sights it offers.

You don't need to go to the El Camino, The Way is living now...and loving what is.

 

PS - I listened today to a delightful Rabbi. She was a guest on Rob Bell's podcast, Rabbi Sharon Brous.  Even if you are not interested in religion, she has a wonderful life story and a great wish for humanity.

 

There But Not There

I heard about Ambiguous Loss and Ambiguous Grief today and even the myth of closure, when it comes to death in its various forms. (Pauline Boss)

The death that I am referring to is the death of a relationship. 

When it comes to estrangement, ambiguity is its energy completely.

She spoke about holding two different beliefs at the same time.

For me it is folks are here and yet gone.

They are living but our relationship is dead.

I can't hold just one side.

I have to carry two.

Gone and Here.

Nothing is certain or inexactness.

And, I think this is for both sides. I don't think it matters who left the relationship just that we both are now no longer in one...yet we are all here.  Alive and, perhaps some of us, grieving its loss.

We are on Facebook and some will "like" and message, EVEN if in real life we have no contact.  So, there is very weird contact.

There are more uncertain things, than certain, when it comes to estrangement. 

Often, the estrangement is over truth. One side wants to embrace it and the other wants to continue to live in the imaginary world.  Pete Rollins speaks of the "Ideal Image" on a podcast with Rob Bell.  (I am Totally enjoying these podcasts)

Each of us have an idealized image of themselves and the rest of us either support or break that image, often with the truth.  Even how we curate our Facebook pages show an airbrushed version of our lives and who we are.  

In my estranged relationship, I feel that one side is an airbrushed image of family, while I sit on the untouched up version.  And, I also believe that some feel with time, my untouched version will start to be airbrushed to match theirs. That over time, I will mellow and capitulate my unvarnished truths.

With the ambiguity of estrangement, how do we live with the gone now showing up in various forms.

I have had the experience in the past few weeks of comments on Facebook, to Likes, and messages.  I have had a near miss encounter on a beach where my sisters, a brother and mother were on the same day and time as I was.  I didn't see them; but one saw me. I have received a postcard; again....from my mother.

What is the message of the Universe that they seem to be circling closer to my peace?

Are they testing the waters to see if my truth has changed - like it can?

Am I to take stock yet again?

I feel powerless and violated by their intrusions, even if they were by accident.

To be seen but not know it.

For them to feel it is their right, which I guess it is, to tap into my world from time to time.

To drop notes on postcards, you can't "Returned to Sender" and the words are read before you can even blink.

I truly don't get why it seems they brush against me from time to time.

Even my father's victims are often shopping when I am.  In the Dentist and diners. 

Am I the one who expects finality and a complete exit when it is impossible?

That has to be right. I want finite when ambiguity is what it is.

I have to become accepting and obliging to the ambiguity of the gone appearing.

Of the silent speaking.

The author Pauline speaks of how hard it is to grieve ambiguity, for it isn't even gone gone.  It is gone and then there.  Or gone for now... but maybe will appear later, one day.

And closure, forget about it. It will not happen ever.  For you would have to forget you ever had a relationship and that can't be.  You had one.  You parted ways.  It was either your image that was being threatened or you were the truth bearer. How can you close a relationship that was open?  It is open.  Just for some of us, it is a gone and then here, kind of on and off again, see and not seen relationship.

Here is what I am just now seeing as I write this.  

Ambiguity IS estrangement with alive people.  

You will have near misses.

And perhaps moments where you do feel the need to reach out and do.  

It is the total flavor of ambiguity.  

Somehow, I am sure, I believed that my resolute stance on the truth would be equalled on their side.  

Oh, I understand, they may be ambiguous about where they are or even who.

While I am certain of a few things.

I am certain that I was in denial and now I am not.

I am learning daily who I am and willing to explore deeper and wider to understand different facets of estrangement...as well as myself and life.

I am even willing to be unknowing of who I am or who I will become - for I am unfolding daily.

It seems to me, that they are very sure of family and love and their image.  Regardless if it misses a few integral sections of life.

My estrangement with them, is more about who we are as individuals and what our content is and how much we are willing to leave in its raw form...or how much some  want to cover up the unsightly blemishes.

I see them as a painter painting over reality to keep an image they need.

I know, for me, when I stopped painting reality revealed itself.

It was and often is messy - but it is life at its rawest.

Ambiguity is what I need to embrace and learn to love and find peace with and give up any idea of closure - even if it was a subconscious desire.

It is right and normal for this to pop up at my work

flinging me backwards into crux of my estrangement with my mother.

I still wonder what she forgives me for.

I wonder if she knows what she is asking me to forgive her for - it is so generic.

And I love you always forever.  She too believes in finite.

I wonder if love itself is ambiguous?

Can there be a forever type of love?

Or, an always?

Do we as humans feel better in the finite and certain linear ideals?

What does it mean when her love for me never changes?  

Was that the same kind of love she had for my father?

I wonder what I love without ambiguity?

Perhaps the truth or reality.

What I love most about this post is that I am no longer feeling like "it shouldn't be happening" or that I must make them do this or that.  

I was only violated by my belief that estrangement would not be ambiguous.

My experience of estrangement is that it is totally full of ambiguity.

The Universe choreographed the perfect weeks for me to see and understand the tone of estrangement and to set them all free to contact me or not.

Estrangement was never mine to control in the first place.

All I have ever done is follow where my truth led.

And they all make moves based on where they are and what they need and what image they need to hold.

They are and have always been free to move on their own free will.

It is mine to respond or allow it to be.

I don't have the power to wipe away my mother's faults.

I am not withholding.

Her faults are hers to deal with.

All I can manage and course correct, are my own.

Rob Bell talked about forgiveness too.

And, from his example, I believe that I have forgiven my mother.

I do not hold anger for her.

What I know and see and have experienced, is that her faith speaks to me before a mother.  Do you hear that?

In the post card, her Faith is speaking to me first...and it is much more important than our relationship of mother/daughter.  

Who I would be dialoguing with is her Faith - not my mother.

My mother is hiding far behind the Faith Wall.

I can forgive my mother for she is blinded with faith, like I used to be.

And, I refuse to reconnect with a Faith.

Especially that Faith.

And, I am eternally grateful that my faith wall fell to the ground. And, that I stood naked and in shock that there was actually a Being there.

A Me, who I had never met.

How can I begin to begin to explain this to her as she(her faith) ask me to forgive.

The woman I cannot reach is behind the wall.

Another ambiguity.

There but not there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Live My Life in Widening Circles!

"I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not complete this last one
but I give myself to it."  

Rainer Marie Rilke

 

I heard this on a podcast with Joanna Macy.  What I love most are the first 7 words.  I can envision these on a fun quilt!

I live my life in widening circles! 

The changes in my life has broaden the girth of my circles; encompassing new experiences I would never have imagined!

I love that my circles are still growing wider!  Oh, what will they include next?

Last night I rode on my first group ride. I liked it. It was silent. I liked that too.

The solemness of so many whirling tires and the low sounds of gears shifting while we all pedaled on...in quiet communion, to ride with those who have died or been injured, was peaceful. 

My circles grew last night.

A comment was made "I don't know if I have the courage to ride that ride..."  And, I said, you don't come with courage, you get courage AFTER the ride.  Look at our "after the race" faces, each of us added a bit of courage to our lives!  We did it!

When you think of trying something new, think of how your life circle will grow, what it will now include and where it will bring you, who you will meet and how you will learn.

I love this idea so much.

 

I want my circle to be flexible and stretchy!

When I think of the difference between "I live my life in widening circles" compared to the teachings of the church it is the opposite.

We were taught to believe in a very small circle of beliefs and thoughts. And, very few people could fit into that circle.  In fact, more were excluded than included.

No wonder I love, and even live, this new widening circle life!

I come from the deeply rutted circle of a strict religion and dysfunctional family. Both are very closed small circles where there is no wiggle room to widen your choices.  

And, each exclude different thoughts, beliefs and ways of life.

Which is why I am no longer a member of religion nor a family member.

I expanded and changed beyond what their circles could hold.

My new motto "I live my life in widening circles"!

 

 

Peace Inside!

More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant.

"When you don't trust yourself, you become a victim of circumstances and time. You will miss the learning for mental, emotional, and spiritual growth and the details of your personal and unique healing process.  Without self-trust you will underutilize your personal power to make choices and facilitate change. When you don't trust yourself, life will become a treadmill of problems, difficulties, and challenges that you don't understand, fail to recognize, and become exhausted trying to manage or avoid. When you don't trust yourself, you will deny, diminish or dismiss your own voice.  This makes it highly unlikely that others will hear you when you try to speak up for yourself. When you don't trust yourself, you will become your own worst enemy, fighting against yourself and blaming everyone else for your perceived lack of power, choice and capacity to create or re-create your own reality."

"When you don't trust yourself, you are prone to giving too much, accepting way less than you desire or deserve, and repeating that experience over and over until the lack of trust becomes the loss of disrespect. When you don't trust yourself, you issue an energetic invitation for others to walk over you, to run amuck in your life, and actually to do to you the very thing you are unwilling to admit that you're doing to yourself."  Iyanla

I love this, because we often speak of loving ourselves and wonder just how do we do that. 

How about trust?

Do you trust yourself?

And, if you don't trust yourself, who or what do you trust?

It almost is more clear in how to trust yourself when she speaks of NOT trusting yourself.

Here is another small piece I highlighted.

"There is, however, a caveat when it comes to trusting others. You must make a distinction between an unwillingness to trust and the wisdom NOT to trust under certain circumstances. You must also make a distinction between not trusting people without a reason and not trusting people because they have demonstrated that they are untrustworthy."  Iyanla

Bring your awareness, and experience, and believe it.  Don't let others define what you already know.

There is a huge cost when we don't trust ourselves.  

The cost is being you.

Trust that what you feel is real.

Your body never lies.

Trust that your life will respond to your authentic nature.

We have been taught to appease others while disappointing ourselves...and that is kindness.

It is not.

There cannot be self-love without first trusting You.

It is in all the small ways we have been schooled on being nice.

What they really were teaching was to disregard yourself in order to keep outward peace.

It is time to make peace inside!

 

 

 

The Way Out

In listening to the book, "Ghost Boy" by Martin Pistorius, I had so many moments of incredulousness. 

First, after not being able to communicate, when he finally did, he didn't know that others could choose not to listen.  

He had thought, IF I could only speak, others would hear.

Words spoken have nothing to do with the listening ear.

The listening person has a set perspective they may not be able to change.

While I have a voice, and a body that moves, my words often useless.

Like gibberish flowing forth.

What I also envisioned were so many whose lives looked like Martin's body.

Stuck; unmoving. 

Even perhaps how they would like to move and change, but remain frozen in their life station.

Whether it be stuck in a strict religion or in a life where they feel unable to do as they wish.

How many of us are really free - body, mind and soul?

How many of us authentically live and speak?

While he had physical limitations and for many years unable to communicate, we are in essence free; but just as stuck as he was.

While he was thought to be a vegetable, others did horrible things to him, in front of him and at him.  He was aware; but unmovable.

He couldn't get himself out of harms way.

And, yet we have words and mobility and often remain locked in a wall-less prison.

It is incredible what the mind can do and what fear or affects of abuse is capable of rendering useless in our worlds.

The fear and sorrow I see when others are unable to be truthfully free...leaves me breathless.

How it appears to be easier to remain stuck, than it is to walk through the fear in the mind...to a life of free choice.

While he literally was frozen in body and NOT mind.  I know that the world is made up of people who are the exact opposite. Their minds will not allow their  bodies to move in new circles. 

Even with voices, they are not able to voice new choices.

To say "No" to someone or to say "Yes" to something new.

In reading this book, I can see how many take for granted the ability of free will, free speech and freedom to move.  To express, to feel and engage in life with the unique signature of your very own soul.

I love this sign.  "Do Not Anchor".

Many of us never leave the harbor of our childhood - its religion and circle of family.  Our soul is captured at birth and never released.

Being free of mind, body and soul is our birthright.

It is our journey to set our self free.

I see my first 46 years of being trapped alive in denial

yet, unaware that I was.

Now that I know, I can't ever go back to allowing others to be the leader or director in my life.  Or to have fear stand in the way.

Breaking the frozen paralyzing immobility isn't easy.

You will be stiff and uncomfortable and rusty.

It will be hard to pull back your life from others.

However, when you can dance freely in words and actions; there is nothing to compare it to. To pull up anchor and sail away...

It is like breathing or not breathing.

We are the ones who move our shadows.

Do not allow them to be locked in the prison of our fears!

Dare to speak, even when your legs shake or your voice is weak with fear.

It is the way out!

WIND

What has WIND brought to me, and what have I brought to WIND?  This is the question we were asked.

It is incredible to think, that WIND has been around now for 4 years.  It was on August 10, 2012 that Dial Help held their Annual Gala and I was the Keynote Speaker...and my art was beautifully displayed.

It was the beginning of WIND and another level of personal growth for me.  I was sharing my story publicly; using my voice for the first time.  A New Direction for sure!

WIND has been the hum behind me. The women and their untold stories my energy.  My intentions were to speak and open the space for others to follow.

And, others did.

WIND for me has been to give others what was given to me. Art, to offer opportunities for creative choices and to learn to express yourself without fear.

And, to have others teach what they love...

A full circle moment.

WIND has offered me new experiences, I would not have explored on my own. 

Getting outside and enjoying nature and finding out how strong my body is.

And, meeting new friends. 

Spending time with women who are younger and see the world differently.  I love how diverse life is.

WIND has been part of my life for 4 years...with 5 years just a month away.  It has changed me by doing.

WIND has to be practiced.  You have to show up. 

WIND is a movement of personal growth that is only possible to see in hindsight. To see how far you have come.

The roads travels and the wonderful women along the way.

Here is to another fun year of adventures and creative fun!

WIND - Women In New Directions - If you dare to explore and be you!!!

Without Permission.

It wasn't until the end of the last blog, that I realized the significance of me returning to the little church on Pine Street.  To walk into a place that altered how I viewed myself and the world around me.

Like the stained glass windows, its preachings colored the way I believed, thought, acted and lived.

The little child who entered that space didn't have a chance against its teachings.

I can look back at the young child me, and see how she blindly trusted the things she was told.  It was where she was taught to love and fear God.  Where she discovered she had a sinful body.  Where she lost her sense of self.  

Imagine, a church that steals innocence!

She walked in through those doors with nothing to compare their words to. She had no experience, nor the freedom to doubt. For, to doubt their words and preachings, was a sin....too.

It is no wonder, I was brainwashed, I was too little and had no choice but to follow along.  

The significance of shutting out TV and the "world" and its contrasting words, was the only way to keep us in the dark.  I also heard today, of how fear is a way to control people.  

I see my young self too afraid not to follow along.

Fear of dying in sin and going to hell.

Fear replaced my sense of curiosity and open-mindedness.

My world shrank to fit in that narrow minded religion.

And, I didn't venture out until my world fell apart.

It is hard to comprehend the magnitude of these strict religions.

And, not so hard to see, how unmoving they all now are when anything speaks outside of that religion. Words, actions and deeds are not recognized unless they are sanctioned by the church.

They literally will not move unless told to do so.

OR, until they too suffer a mind-altering event, where truth shatters this mind controlling religion.  When truth shines so brightly, even the mind can't help but see beyond programmed words.

I didn't set out to un-program my mind.

But once I saw the colored glass of its deception, I no longer could pretend to pretend to believe.

I am not sure I ended up with an open mind, but one that has now experienced being programmed and told what to think and how to act and who to be.

Given that experience, I am now able to choose to be free.

Whereas, prior to knowing I was programmed, I was too programmed to know I was programmed. If that makes sense?

A person unaware doesn't have awareness to see themselves unaware.

What I felt going back to the little church on Pine Street was MY BRIGHT AWARENESS.  So bright and free and open that there isn't anyone in that little church who could take it away.

How delightful would it be if churches held each child's innocence and open mind as a thing to protect at all costs, instead of stealing both.

I can't even be sure most churches are aware of the costs of their religions...

What made me even more sad today, was that my little girl had nowhere to go that held her innocence as priceless.  In fact, that religion that was preached in that little church on Pine Street, equaled the actions of a dysfunctional home.

It is no wonder to me, that they match OR that so many homes whose beginnings are formed in this church are steeped in abuse.

Abuse is what is normal.

No self.

No innocence.

No curiosity and open-mindedness.

The feelings we were given within that little church of being sinful, unworthy and with a body full of sin, is the same way we are treated as victim of abuse.

It is our fault.

We somehow carry forward the shame and guilt.

Just as the church had us feeling guilt and shame for being sinful.

I saw that little church and how it worked hand and hand with my incest to keep me miles from myself and seeing my inherent worth.

Both, to me, hold equal parts of my demise.

Which is how they fell down almost simultaneously.

It is my belief, that if you are standing tall with your natural born innocence and intrinsic value you will be repelled from religion.

 

The circle moment, was for me to enter back into that church under my full power. Nothing could be added to make me more of who I am.  I am complete.

It was to be complete...to go into 40 years of darkness and to find my way back to the Light.  

As I stand outside of this cult-like religion - it is I, who is the devil's own, not the church.

Just as I stand outside of my dysfunctional family as the evil one.

And, I am a threat to both.

Free spirit, love of self, sense of worth, open-mindedness, awareness, voice, choice are all threats to keeping their members in the dark and in fear and under control.

In order for both to work and be seen as value and moral, I must be wrong.

My experiences of my Self-Worth in both is the true witness.

Here is my old Art which shows My Lady in her early stages...

I loved both of these pieces, and thought how free and flowing they were...

And, now my latest work in progress...

This says it all.  

 

 

I walked into my old church yesterday.  The little one on Pine Street in Hancock.  It felt surreal walking in the small lobby and entering into the little sanctuary.  Seeing the door on the right side of the pulpit where we used to have Sunday School class.  

All had changed; but remained the same.

It seemed so very very small.  Just as I was, when I was brought to church.

My mind was open and aware this time and, without fear.

I wasn't there to go to church; but to talk.

With a few ladies.

A polite conversation about abuse and church people.

I entered without the bible.

No phrases or words or sentences did I lean upon.

Nor, was I a spokesperson for a certain religion and its policies.

I was just me...without a religious filter ahead of me.

An old member of this church...and a victim of its teachings and sexual abuse.

This innocent building with pretty windows and polished floors.

It was the people who use to own this church who had filled my head.

My young mind.

Believing.

In fear.

A faith about forgiveness of sins and the fire of Hell if I didn't.  The lies of unworthiness and sin filled body...unsaved sinner.

Now other people own this church and are teaching others words and sentences.

 I find it peculiar that within confined walls we teach.

Not out in the wide world of life.

But words, thoughts and beliefs, papers and books, and authors of eons ago.

Parts of the conversation was limiting when the bible was expected to fit in.

Like an exclamation point after a non-religious exclamation point.

It almost felt like reality wasn't complete with out the good book.

Old old words to add meaning to today's reality.

Words from long ago before we were even born or today's troubles even known.

A voice from legends long ago trying to be "in the know" now.

A very very long distance generation gap. One that my mind couldn't wrap itself around.

When you have to use the big book as your reference point can you truly be present?

I could see a woman who stood behind the bible...faithfully and respectfully...secondary.

Each time the biblical words tried to make sense of the nowadays, it just seemed out of place to me. 

The flow of conversation would seem to have bible hiccups...and then we would go on.

They didn't happen often. 

I am not sure what I contributed in this church environment, for my experiences were void of biblical content.

I didn't hand over my sins to Jesus, nor do I feel unworthy and in need of saving.  

I was complete as I entered and at peace.

No more God's Peace could be added.

I wasn't seeking.

There is a committee and a few of its members are traveling to different church locations, speaking of abuse.  Recognizing that abuse does happen within religions, their parishioners and even within churches...to teach them the signs, and offer solutions.

They are doing their best to raise awareness and break the silence.

It is a start.  

I can't know the way to enter into churches and speak. Nor can I know what the people in the pews need, expect or want when the topic of abuse comes up.

This isn't an easy when you have to dance around the formalities of their religion.

What you say and offer, has to fit within the guidelines of church.

And, I am not sure this will dovetail successfully.

As a person sitting listening, I was confused.

There seemed to be a message of the church and then the experiences of the women.

Not always did they match or even enlighten each other.

I am just not certain you can religiously heal abuse.

Or religiously speak of it.

There almost seems to be an abused person and a religious person wrapped into one.

And, each of their needs don't meld.

In fact, I think they are in direct opposition.

Which makes their job impossible.

Now that I see this.  I can also see where there were two distinct voices speaking.

Who do you talk to and how do you silence one while speaking to the other when both occupy one body?

An incredible feat to be sure.

My mind is a whirlwind trying to sort this all out.

It is like there is a religious voice, an abused voice, and an innocent voice all wanting to be seen, heard and acknowledged. Which one is the one who is the one to lead them out?

Perhaps the little girl who first walked in.

I know, that at one time, I entered this church completely whole and innocent.  

And was taught differently...in that little room on the left of the pulpit.

Just as abused changed me at home. Religion changed me at church.

It was a full circle moment to go back with my awareness and strong sense of self. My little girl fully grown and whole.