IMPERFECT Lady

Disconnecting

Yesterday I listened to this podcast about the value of boredom. I found it very enlightening and something I will now pay attention to.  

 

I loved how he is back to notebook and pen.  When I was at my most stressed out, I would not go anywhere without paper and pencil.  Sharpened pencils and a journal captured many years worth of releasing emotions and expressing feelings.

My job and the rural nature of my route takes me off the grid.  

I do use my phone as a listening device for podcasts and books.  I listen a lot.

I also use my phone as a camera.

What I do find though, while listening is often an emotional bubble arises. 

I am wondering now, if I am processing life moments and not letting them pile up.

I love this idea that boredom and down time have a very important role in our lives.

I am betting that while I am out in nature, this too is an opportunity for our bodies to speak to us.

Another way to listen to your life, by disconnecting.

 

Unwillingness to listen

"The voice for truth speaks to every person on the planet, every single day, and that voice is as loud as our willingness to listen."  Gandhi

 

I love this quote!

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, truth is in the ear that listens for it.

You truly have to want to know the truth.

Most often the truth will upset a false ideal you have.

And, if you are completely in love, committed and faithful to the false, you will not have a listening ear for truth.

Who knew that the truth depends upon a willingness to hear it?

I did.

My words bounce back from unwilling ears.

Most will attack my knowledge or question my estrangement.

Those who hear my truth typically are not affected by it. They have nothing to lose to hear me. Those with the most to lose, hear the least.

If you are willing to listen, the truth will speak.

I used to ask, "what am I not getting?"  I asked for the truth.

It is amazing that inside of you is a wall built against certain truths.

A buffer of sorts built up to protect you from knowing that which is painful or terrifying.

We then become a prisoner inside of the buffer wall.

Separated from reality.

Reality is seen only when we listen.

I remember feeling that I saw too much. Too much of reality.

When in fact, I heard to much.

Nothing was off limits.

No word was discarded.

All were accepted.

Pedophile.

She knew.

They knew and did nothing.

I don't know who I am.

What I believe.

Where I came from.

My own truths.

The list of things I hadn't heard, all began reciting their lines.

An avalanche of truths flooded me; the truth felt my willingness to hear.

Even while I was trembling with fear.

Breaking the silence, begins with our own ears.

I wonder if the opposite of denial is willingness?

Nope, it is agreement, approval, affirmation, avowal...

Yet, my journey changed completely with my willingness to listen.

And, the one who I had to listen to first, was me.

My life.

My feelings.

My inner soul.

When I listened to me, I became Me.

I heard what I loved, what brought me peace and joy.

I heard what broke my heart.

I heard false words with actions that didn't match.

I heard silence, and no remorse. Excuses and defense.

I listened to me, even when others didn't agree.

Our willingness to hear our own truths, is to live with integrity.

Being unable to live your truth, is to live as an imposter.

I am not sure how much of reality you can see if you are not aware of your own truths.

This unwillingness, is the framework of denial.

Which is why our perceptions of reality are often not the same.

We only see with our willingness to listen.

I keep making waves in the sea of unwillingness to listen!

 

 

 

Lived in Pretending

"I am the most comfortable in the truth" Glennon Doyle Melton

The podcasts that I am most drawn to are those of people who dare to live their truth out loud, the ones whose lives were altered due to the awareness. Who have made great changes into living authentic lives.

What I heard today, after you become aware and living mindfully, you have a hard time around folks whose lives are littered with lies.  Or to be drawn toward lives who live on the surface of life.

Once I had unraveled all that was untrue for me, untrue lives don't hold my attention.  I am not drawn or feel the desire to know more lies. I can't pretend to pretend to be interested.  

And, I am more drawn to nature and its open spectacular self!

Enjoying all the different ways to spend time in nature, feels right to me.

I am always honored when others share their truth with me, or when we work to discover the lies they cannot see.

I had always thought that denial meant you knew, but denied it.  I am now more believing that denial is not knowing a truth; but that it lives with you.  If this makes sense.

It wasn't that my truth arrived when I was 46, but rather it lived hidden from me.

Although there were signs that I wasn't living true to me.  

My feelings were not honored.

Choices often were not available.

I lived life on the surface.

Not wanting to know too much, not even aware of not being aware.

Looking back, I would get anxious when my inner self had the chance to be known.

I didn't know me.

But, didn't know that I didn't know.

The who I knew was a survival self and the beliefs of the church.

When the truth leaked out, the old me crumbled. 

I was left without a self and yet as a self with wide open eyes.

To be made aware of your own truths is a remarkable experience.  Typically it does come with drama, trauma, pain and sorrow.  But, it leads to a life that has a wide open landscape of seeing.

I truly love being around folks who are wrestling with the truths in their lives.

Regardless of the truths content.

The realness excites me, and it feels like a real being connection.

I am more comfortable with the uncomfortable truths than with lives lived in pretending.

 

 

 

 

 

Truth persists, always!

In the past few months, I have been listening to the ways women have been resisting and persisting, and this idea resonates with me.

I had to look up their definitions to see if I totally understood their meaning.

Resist - Withstand, be proof against, be resistant too, keep out.

Persist - continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure.

I believe, the reason I was drawn to this concept, is that this is how I have been towards abuse in the past 12 years.  

I often question my path compared to that of my siblings, and look deeply within to see my truth and walk with integrity and authenticity.

Often, it doesn't feel like I have a choice.

That the path has requirements and I follow.

When you look at my resistance and persistence, it is as if I am being led.

And, I am.

But, more by the road against abuse, than my own personal wishes or desires.

Often I am judged personally for a choice that the path demands. 

If you truly are against abuse, your own personal life will often take turns you would otherwise not take.

My turning away from folks, often was painful for me, and yet it is what was needed to be faithful to victims and to stand against abuse.

I looked up the opposites of Resist and Persist.

The opposite of Resist is "comply, conform, go along".

I love this knowing.

For, it is what I have always felt.  That there was really only one choice, IF you are standing against something...otherwise, you are going along with it!

And do you know the opposite of Persist?  

It is to "cease, give up, leave, quit, stop".

I was never willing to do this.  

No matter what.

Or, who thought I should.

The path was chosen, when a child broke her silence.

And, when my denial ended.

I didn't resist the truth.

I followed where it led.

Truth persists, always!

 

 

Going anyway!

I am not sure what an adrenaline rush is, or over the top excitement, the kick people get by doing scary things, but maybe I felt that as I skied the Great Bear Chase.

Would it be possible that what some people call adrenaline, I call fear?

Is the rush putting yourself close to the edge and careening almost out of control that is the rush?

What I do know, is that rush of it all, was more draining on my emotions than on my physical strength.  Sure I was tired, but I was more emotionally drained.

I haven't experienced being in fear physically in a long while.

Not only in fear of going down hills out of control; but actually doing it.  I almost wanted to close my eyes and open them when I landed.  I didn't know how to try and control myself on the hills.

It was as if seeing a beginner, try.

To see how it went.

It was sorta scary the futileness I felt about landing standing on my skis and the daring I had to just let go, knowing it had a 90% chance of ending poorly.

When I went down the Hairpin, I was in the tracks, and when I approached the bottom, in a crouch, it wasn't far to the ground, the landing was much less impacting.

Coming down the groomed, icy no track hills, was sheer insanity.

I felt my precariousness, over and over again.

It is one thing to do one hairpin.

It is another to do a different kind again and again.

What is also weird, is that even if I walked, I was still feeling fear of the trail.

Instead of getting back my control, or feeling in control, my insides didn't calm down until the finish line...and even after I was home, there were aftershocks of shaky limbs.

It was like my body's nerves were being held in check until I was under a quilt sipping tea!

And, retelling of the event the first time, had me shaking.

Fear, adrenaline, terror, rushes, excitement maybe are too close to abuse and its emotions.

Could that by why I have unknown fear of things I have never tried.

It is not the event; but the emotions that come with it.

I will still be in fear of hills that are not tracked, but I will try and capture my control early by keeping me and other skiers safe, as I walk down the hill...and then commence my skiing.

It takes a special set of courage to do that which is unknown.

I feel that I had courage to even begin, after seeing the start of the race to have a hill with no tracks and fairly icy, and for the first downhill slope to have no tracks.  I could at that time been mere minutes from the safety of my jeep, instead I took the long way home, 10 Kilometers and I was back where I had started.

Spent.

Emotionally and physically challenged and stronger because of it!

The hills won't scare me, for I know which ones to attempt and which ones to walk.

As I quilted this quilt, it came to me, beginners and trick skiers have a lot in common, our moves are quite insane!

To me, it took more courage to attempt the hills, than those who have traveled down a thousand successfully.

Daring to try without skills, is being in fear and going anyway.

 

I Finished

The Great Bear Chase!  Wow, and OH MY God, is all I have to say.  First of all, I am not an intermediate skier, for those trails are for badass skiers!  Beginners beware!!  Or, folks like me who love to ski with tracks!

Start of the race is an icy incline without trails and it was by sheer luck I didn't fall going up.  Then, onto a slopping downhill, without tracks.  Knees already shaking and we are 5 minutes into the 10K.  And, there are skiers in front of me, skiers on side of me, skiers behind me.

Go go go!

I was registered into the CLASSIC 10K. Classic to me means tracks.  

My second attempt at a hill without tracks, I made down, but it wasn't pretty....only to be met with a steep icy incline.  I fell. 

The second steep down hill, I felt I may as well give it a go, the bottom wasn't too hairpin looking....but, I wiped out.   Glasses flew, skies all crossed and poles every which way. It wasn't as gentle as my purposeful fall on Hairpin at the Tech trails.

Another Fear Met and conquered.  I can fall badass!

After that, each time I came to a trackless hill, I took my skis off.  Except one time, it didn't look too bad and I tried again, only to fall part way down. 

I really didn't want to injure myself, so tried to be a gentle badass!

I learned it is easier to take them off at the top and walk down, then to try and remove them while legs and skis are crossed and poles going every which way - on my back.

By the time we were in the last 4 K of the race, the 25 K skiers were racing by!  And, they were racing, not just trying to finish. So, I walked down more hills to stay out of their way and up a few too, just to keep them racing by me.

They were serious, and I would have been messing with their times!

I think, the hardest part of the race is not knowing the trail and what is up ahead AND not being able to ski without tracks down hills.  I guess in my mind classic means tracks and I am comfortable in them.

We did have some nice tracked downhills as well, and on those I feel quite comfortable.

But all in all, Swede Town trails are hilly!

Oh, and one time me and real ski racer were going down the hill neck and neck, poles out into a tuck, eyes watering, hair flying - Felt pretty badass then!

And, you have to remember we were skiing in about 5  degrees with some strong winds.  It was very cold!  Takes a badass to think she can do 10 K in that weather.  And, we did it.

I had a buddy, who waited while I climbed down and Up. She did not take her skis off once. She is a badass intermediate skier! Her time would have been much better, had she not taken the time to ski with me!

I am sure I hold a few records - for most steps taken, most times I took off my skies, and I am even thinking the most BMI - Boy are there some sleek muscled skiers!  Not an ounce of fat on them!! Oh, and did I mention 704 skiers registered; the most ever!

After the icy no track beginning, I then fretted about coming back down that hill to finish, on my butt or with a big wipe out.  Instead, it was a nice gentle hill into the finish gate!

Fun to hear the people cheering, bells ringing and knowing you only have a few more glides to go!  I made it!  It wasn't pretty, it wasn't perfect but it was a finish!

We had three of the full time employees of Chassell Post Office in the race.  Kenny came in third in his division!  Kenny was our inspiration for signing up!  

So, here are a few funny things.  First of all you wear a Race Bib. Pam and I noticed we looked like were are wearing training bras, at the End of the Race!  It is so funny.  And, the people at the Finish, couldn't read my numbers.  Seems my training bra had ridden up on my falls along the way!  We got the giggles!

And, so we then changed into warmer dryer clothes and had a delicious pasty dinner.  I had hot tea, water and was feeling pretty badass for completing and UNDER 2 hours!

After eating, we are on the bleachers, chilling and waiting for the winners to be announced and behind us sits some serious skier dudes and they are discussing the race and talk about a woman out there who could have been making quilts she was going so slow. Well, since I was the slowest in the shortest race, IT had to be me.  HOW funny...and almost true! (and thankfully, I had taken off my bright pink hat and hyper green jacket and the riding up bra, for I don't think he knew it was me sitting in front of HIM!) 

Oh my gosh, this is how it feels to enter into a higher level of play than where you are!

All in all, I am happy that I did the chase.

I am happy that even with knees shaking at times, heart racing at times, heart pounding , walking, and falling at times, I was successful in finishing!

I didn't quit.

I flew head first into my greatest fears while skiing!

I did the Chase! 

I am a bit sore from my wipe out, but no broken bones - and, it was the scariest thing I have done in awhile!

But, I finished!

 

Play

Weather that fluctuates between winter and spring, gave me some great insights in how we interact with the weather.  Weather arrives and we then get to decide our response.

Warmer temps, melting snow and bare roads means biking!  

Too cold and windy for skiing....means, get your snowshoes on.

When the winds die down a bit and the temperature remains cold, take your skis and find a trail!  Bringing a friend along is a bonus!

The beauty on the trials is breath taking - nature showing off.

We had the moon in front of us and the sun behind.  Crisp fast tracks!  It was cold but invigorating in its sharpness!

In early winter when our daylight hours are short, we take headlamps and head out!

The night time trails are enchanting.  The quietness surrounds us.

So, here is my take away.

The more active you are the more you love the changing weather!  And, the more accepting you are with all its expressions.

Weather is the leader and we follow its lead.

What a great remind of how reality wins; but 100% of the time.

In my old inactive days, I would want the weather to change and not be this way or that way.  I would argue with it always, somehow believing, IF I spunked long enough, it would change and be what I wanted it to be.

There is some magic in accepting the weather each morning, just as it is.

And, then deciding how you can play with it that day.

Life isn't about what happens.

It is all about how we respond.

True empowerment is following the lead of reality.

Being with What Is.

No matter how it appears.

Each day we are asked to play!

Refuse to Accept

Yesterday the act of refusing stuck with me.  How rarely it is actually used, especially by women. We tend to be the peace makers, the fixers, the pleasers and so we shy away from refusals in any form.

At least this was the kind of woman I was.  

I was actually queen of keeping calm waters.

I know that I have almost PTSD moments when refusals are present. 

The old habit of mine squirms uncomfortably as I resist being the peace keeper.

It is hard to watch someone refuse.

For, you know conflict is coming.

Each person is trying to be heard.

In the past, one of my bad relationship habits was silence. I would brood and give the cold shoulder.  This I believe was due to not knowing how to express myself.

Not only express, but to stand by who I was.

It is hard to be in a conflict when you are in conflict of who you are.

I was a chameleon for so many years.  I would go the way of peace keeping.

Whatever made the relationship flow better, that was the position I took.

When I didn't have the tools for standing up for me, I grew silent.  

Stormy silent.

I would get mad at the other person, instead of expressing what was inside of me.

Now, I am much better at conflict, and getting real good at refusals.

I believe you have to have a firm image of who you are, OR who you are seeking to become, in order to stand opposed.

What I didn't realize until yesterday, that this ability to stand against, to refuse and oppose, is not in everyone's tool box. That it is a bold move and one that looks courageous from the outside.  

 

It takes knowing who you are, and even more importantly, who you are not!

Refusing is the opposite of being a people pleaser and a pretend peace keeper. Cause if you are doing something just for the peace of it, more than likely it isn't what you truly would love to do.

I also thought, that it will rarely be the ones in power to refuse inequality or unfairness.  What tips the scales of justice are the victims refusing to be a victim any longer.

The powerless find their own inner power and refuse!

This is a beautiful thing for me to watch happen.  I love this.  This is were my passion is.

The reason I love my quilts that show my inner evolution is how I grew by refusing.

Refusing to get back in line and to be silent.

For in that silence, lays a soul unexpressed.

My speaking out and being very open about abuse, is my refusal to be less than who I was born to be.

Refusing is positive, when it used to stand by your truth.

I refused to pretend.

I refused to overlook.

I refused to not embrace all of me.

By refusing to neglect the darkest part of me, I was able to accept and love me as I am.

There is no part of me and life that I refuse to accept.

Here is a quote I read at the Gala where I gave the keynote...

"The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence." Rythea Lee

Celebrate by Refusing!

Today is "International Women's Day" and one of their themes is "Be Bold For Change".

I looked up the word Bold, to see what its expectations are.

"(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous."

Being bold means taking risks and being confident enough to start out.

I don't believe you have to have the whole route planned; but you do have to know what you want to change.

Change can be small.  

And, we each are defined by what is bold for us.

My bold may not be bold enough for someone else OR too bold and too risky for others.

I didn't start out where I am today. 

My first step was shaky and timid; but with great resolution.

I knew what I wanted, and hoped to accomplish.

My inspiration was to do differently than the women who, I believe, failed me.

I was going to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

Which meant, I had to take risks and be bold.

I wasn't confident, but I was courageous...just to take the first steps.

I had to be willing to enter into conversations and confrontations without a known exit.

Nothing was off limits.

All was to be examined and faced, as well as accepted.

I had to be the woman I thought my mother was.

Morals and values with the fierce determination to up hold them, no matter what or who I had to walk away from.

I signed up to be for bold change against violence.

Here are the categories beneath it.

educate youth about positive relationships
challenge those who justify perpetrators and blame victims
donate to groups fighting abuse
speak out against the silence of violence
be vigilant and report violence
campaign for the prevention of violence
abstain from all violence, physical and otherwise
volunteer your help at a local charity
recognize coercive control and redress it

I have been doing most of this.  

The second line, "Challenging those who justify perpetrators" may mean family, friends, colleagues. 

It means taking a risk and speaking out.  It could mean losing a relationship as you challenge someone.

Typically, it will not be standing face to face with perpetrators but, rather questioning those who stand with them.  These perpetrators do not act alone. They always have a defensive core around them.  Who are you standing with?

Being Bold For Change, means being an active risk taker.

I listened to Rob Bell speak of The Third Way

 

What I got from this, is that there is another way, besides turning the other cheek in passivity or retaliating with an eye for an eye.

I see the third way for me, was to step out of abusive relationships. Instead of me being the one to suffer the consequences of their dysfunctional or codependent behaviors, I was the one to take my power back.

He made reference to Roza Parks.  How her refusal to be part of something, was her third way.  I agree.

I have been refusing to be part of the abuse cycle that has gone on for generations in my family of origin. I am the Roza Parks.  I refused, and be damned the consequences.

I did draw a line in the cement.

I am unmovable.

That is what I believe we need, to end the longevity of abuse.  Someone has to stop it.

Refuse to be part of it...willingly or unwillingly.  It has to end with you.

Take the risk and just refuse.

The energy and momentum that happened when I stopped giving my energies to the cycle of abuse, is quite remarkable. 

My inner changes, explorations, self-empowerment, and self-worth rose with each refusal.

You first have to know what you refuse to do.

It isn't often what you support, but rather what you will no longer stand for. 

And, in my case, my inner self was so weakened by years of denial, I didn't have an ounce more to give to the cause of dysfunction.

And, yet there seemed to be an untapped source of boldness towards not letting the abuse by my father define me.  As well as an unlimited supply of courage to stand by victims and myself.  

Standing up for myself in front of my mother was my greatest achievement...in refusing to agree as she justified her actions.

Again, abusers are someone we know 95% of the time. 

Will you be bold enough to challenge your relationships?

When was the last time you refused to participate by disagreeing?

Being Bold for Change is a way to celebrate International Women's Day.

Refuse!

I looked up the definition of Refuse.

"Indicate or show that one is not willing to do something.  Indicate that one is not willing to accept or grant."

What we fail to appreciate, is that we agree by not refusing!

Refusing, is where new energy flows.

I refuse what does not empower!

That's being badass!

Refusing is an empowering action!

Women rise by refusing to agree with what insults their souls!

Happy International Women's Day - I celebrate by refusing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until you are Perfect!

Here is what I noticed, it doesn't take perfection and you will still be successful.

We all want to wait until.

I am not sure who we expect will bring Until to us, but we do have this idea about so many things.

I can't ski until I am thinner, fitter, have the right outfit, am not scared of the hills, will be assured I won't fall, its warmer, colder, I have a friend, etc.

I am here to tell you that I am the most imperfect perfect skier!

I don't fit the image of many skiers. Sleek, fit and fast with graceful agility to navigate the trails like the wind.

I call myself a badass for falling at the end of the hill to stop.  I made it, and am proud to have done so.

I am larger than most...and yet my largeness does not stop my legs from skiing!

I am weaker than most, but gaining strength each time I head out.

I am more timid and worried about the next hill; but I am brave enough to face it.

I love that I don't fit the image of a skier, but skiing is what I do.

I find the same on the bike. 

I believe, that I am the one who will cancel out your excuses.

I am older, with arthritic joints, heavy, and on the spectrum of getting into shape.

I started out from the couch. Literally.

Okay, I did have the past practice of yoga that had kept my body limber and somewhat strong.  But, I had lost a lot of my ability or maybe endurance, for outdoor movement. And, I had very limited confidence in being able to navigate hiking trails, hills on the bike as well as big miles, and then cross country skiing with hills etc.

It was as if I was doing it again for the first time, but this time with a challenging body.

Weight, age and body ailments were just a few of my hurdles.  My comfortable seeking mind, wasn't often eager to try and regain my youthful movements.

So I started with and pretty much still maintain a body that appears very non-athletic.

I feel I am the poster child (Lady) for the out of shape - yet I moving around like a fit person.

The oddity on the trail!

I love that I am the imperfectly perfect skier, snowshoer, biker and hiker.  And, I hope that my daring to step into a realm that is usually only for the fit, will encourage other imperfectly perfect ladies to join me!

It is not about perfection.  My body moves just like theirs.

What I even love more, is that I am okay with me. That it doesn't bother me at all, how I look as I am enjoying moving in nature. I feel that I have the freedom of the old, before I am really old!

And, sometimes it makes me giggle. The images of how I must look when I on my back, skis in the air as I try and to get my skis off so I can get up. And, all I am really concerned about is getting back on my feet and back skiing.  How I move like an old lady, while feeling young at heart!

I truly hope I inspire others whose minds have them waiting for Until. To let that go and just do it.

Let's fill the trails with our perfectly imperfect bodies! It feels badass to go against the norms, to dare and not fit in.

It truly is a shame, we believe the ideas of Until.  That it stops us from enjoying life to its fullest.  

The more successful I am at each new outdoor sport, the less I notice my body and the more I concentrate on learning a new skill.  And, with each new skill comes a rise in my esteem!

I hope that I will begin to see more and more imperfectly perfect ladies (and guys) out enjoying the trails. The trails don't care.  And nature surely doesn't.  

Let's not wait until.

For I am sure, that we die waiting for until. That life and adventure are with those who don't care!

I wish I could share what it feels like to not care, oh the freedom it brings.  And, it allows you to enjoy the scenery and breathe the fresh air.

We each get to represent a certain person and be that on the trail.

It will encourage others to just be themselves and have fun!

It is so much less stressful being the imperfect one!  Everything goes and there are no rules! What is not to love?

What happened one day on the trail, was I thought I am 'good enough' to be here. 

So, what had to have been a previous thought, is that I wasn't good enough, fit enough, or athletic enough.  That I would have not fit in.

Now, I feel like I belong on the trail. That I am allowed to be there. I am accepted.

When, actually I have accepted myself exactly as I am. And, in doing so I fit in everywhere. It never was the expectations of others or whether the trail fit me.  It was all about how I saw myself, and where I was good enough to be.

While I thought it took strength to be active, I am thinking it takes self-acceptance and love, equally.  You have to believe you are worthy of joy, play and new adventures!

My heart is happy and filled with love, peace and joy - so there is no where I don't fit!

If I had a wish, it would be that all could feel the freedom of self-acceptance. 

That is so deep, you see the trail, the skis and and feel the experience, before even one thought enters about how you look.

And, when you think of you you smile...loving your imperfect perfect self!

The greatest tragedy is to wait until you are perfect!

 

(This quilt should be titled - "Hairpin"!)