Death brings family together; naturally.
Unless you are on the outside.
All things stay the same; except completely different in their lives.
I ponder her life, her soul and what she teaches. What is her legacy upon the land?
How can I live to honor her journey?
A young woman I didn't know; yet knew.
We both grew in the circle of the same family.
What was her experience compared to mine?
Was her pattern like mine?
Were we more alike than different?
We didn't seek each other out.
Nor, did our paths cross after I left the family.
Estrangement's rules leave me with little choices. Or perhaps the stand against abuse has its own rules that I adhere to.
As family circles close, I experience PTSD symptoms.
The old me arises from the ashes or is pulled by familiar threads.
Shaken awake, it wonders about our path.
Are we walking in harmony with my truth and feelings?
Do my actions match my experience?
Am I being authentic or just a cold hearted bitch?
What do estranged siblings do for each other when death arrives?
Or, for that matter any family event?
I am slung back to the original event, the moment of truth, that can't be ignored.
The pivotal moment that changed me, and my life, still remains true today.
Abuse. Incest. Denial. The perfect storm that spun my world out of its well bred control.
While no one is asking me to rejoin the family, it feels like I am made to chose me, over them, again. The heart wrenching choice of being alone.
My journey forward has been to be different. To hold strong in moments where it would be easier to go weak. To capitulate and go along to get along. To let go of my inner self to appease the crowd.
The body responds with anxiety and the other markers of PTSD, at the idea of being in their presence. It knows more than I.
Wiser from experience.
The wounded little girl inside of me knows, that by remaining with a new pattern of post traumatic growth, it is what I need to do.
Growing is painful and yet very inspiring.
Each time I can successfully walk the tough walk, I know I am changing my DNA or family tendencies.
While it hurts me to be outside the grief circle, I know that some will find great peace love and joy within.
Her death will strengthen all of us.
Some in the new pattern, and others will cling to the comforts of old.
I get it.
We all are led by that something inside of us.
Nothing within me feels drawn to the family I left.
Just as nothing within them feels the need to leave.
We are both living out our truths.
Apart.
My heart's first expression was that of loneliness and deep sadness for her journey.
Yet what can I know.
Perhaps it is deep sadness for mine.
I have a term "Brilliantly Tragic".
That is how I often feel.
Inside of me is an ocean of grief on the outer circles of family...along side the mountains of gratitude to be creating a new pattern.
And, that is life.
We embrace the tragic and celebrate the joy, love and peace.
I will continue to live my life fuller and with more conviction to be me, in honor of her.
May each of us take something from her journey.
