IMPERFECT Lady

Exposed

Every now and again a member of the FALC pops up and wants me to stop writing about my experiences of being abused AND the church on the same blog.  

This one suggests the following - "It would be right and fair for you to remove the church's name from your blog as the church had nothing to do with the abuse you endured by your father."

And, they want to sue me for defamation and libel.

I had to look up defamation to see what it literally stood for and was I wrong in my writings.

"the action of damaging the good reputation of someone; slander or libel."

Slander- is a false statement.  

I am not speaking falsely.  

This is true for my experience.

Libel - Publishing a false statement.

Again, in my experience it is true.  As a member (now former) of the church I was abused. 

I link the church in, for its influence on my family was huge. 

Also, its teaching of the forgiveness of sins- created the perfect shield for my father and his sexual abuse.  They knew; but forgave and he continued on.  This is true; not a false statement.

Based on my listening to victim's stories, I know that I am not a rare occurrence OR the only one.

I also know, that what the members of the church want is to keep its reputation pure. And, if they can separate my father - the church remains untouched.

I am here to tell you it is not pure; anymore.

And, they want me to shut up about it.

I am in the top 5 if you google "First Apostolic Lutheran Church" and that does not shine a positive light upon the church.

So, they want to sue me to make it pure again.

But will it???

Will shutting me up help keep the integrity of the church.

I am seen as one bad apple trying to spoil the whole bunch.

What again bothers me, is that the ones who step forward care more about the reputation of the church than the possibilities of abuse being among its members.

IF the preacher in the Calumet church is speaking about abuse from the pulpit and asking the abusers to turn themselves IN.  I am not the only one who speaks to tarnish the reputation of the church.  However, he is doing so in the confines of the church community.  I am out and public. 

I did make a casual contact with a lawyer I know and ask his opinion.

He said. "Truth is a defense." and, "As long as it's true, no one can stop you. The truth causes no damages to sue upon. Keep telling the truth."

That is my intent.

I know that I am making folks uncomfortable.

The truth usually does that.

Isn't there a saying "The truth shall set you free; but at first it will piss you off...or make you miserable."

While I know there are some who squirm as I write, there are others who feel less alone.

My voice isn't for the doubters; it is for those whose lives sadly echo mine. 

Breaking the silence is not the easy path - for the reason that there are so many who are not wanting it to be broken.  

Abuse is the place where silence is preferred.

When you speak out -

It ruins reputations.

Wrecks families.

Destroys lives.

But, is the breaking silence to be blamed OR the person(s) who did the abusing.

Be angry at me...but, I am not the one who is destroying the reputation of the church. It is instead the members within who abuse.

I am one woman who has had the experience of being a member of the church and was abused.

One woman who is writing about it.

Your initial defense for the church and not its innocent members - is why it is so hard to speak up. 

While they believe I am rare, what is more rare is a current member of the church who will volunteer to help eradicate abuse within the church (members).

Those who have approached me, have done so to silence me and defend the church.

And, they even want to almost separate the church from its members; both past and present.  

Keeping it up high and out of reach from soiling.

I would actually welcome an investigation.

Bring it on.  

Let us all shine a light and see what is exposed.

 

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true." Soren Kierkegaard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Definition of Me

Estrangement 

"The fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group."

Clinging to my husband 13 years ago, I cried for my father, How He would die a very lonely death.  Believing, that his abusive behavior would leave him out in the cold from our family.  

Little did I know, the tears I cried were for me.

While writing words for a book I am playing with, I wanted to make sure the word estrangement worked for identifying me.  

No longer friendly.

I then pondered when did this unfriendliness happen and who began this energy flow.

As a child was I born Unfriendly into a friendly environment and/or what made me become so "unfriendly"?

Isn't it more true that my father's behavior of abuse was unfriendly.  My mother ignoring it unfriendly, as well towards me.  So, am I the one who started this estrangement, and why do we see the child (adult child) who leaves the relationship as being the one estranged.

Instead of saying I am estranged, they are really the estranged parents.

What do we call someone who stays with unfriendly folks?

Is there a word for someone who leaves an unfriendly environment?

Curious "refugee" popped up and,

"A displaced person"

That is a much truer statement, since I am not the one who created the unfriendly nature in my childhood home.  

As I was writing, I came upon this by Alice Miller.

"Experience has taught me that my own body is the source of all the vital information that has enabled me to achieve greater autonomy and self-confidence.  Only when I allowed myself to feel the emotions pent up for so long inside of me did I start extricating myself from my own past.  Genuine feelings are never the product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there, and they are there for a very good reason, even if that reason is not always apparent. I cannot force myself to love or honor my parents if my body rebels against such an endeavor for reasons that are well-know to it. But if I still attempt to obey the Forth Commandment, then the upshot will be the kind of stress that is invariably involved when I demand the impossible of myself. This kind of stress has accompanied me almost all of my life. Anxious to stay in line with the system of moral values I had accepted, I did my best to imagine good feelings I did not possess while ignoring the bad feelings I did have. My aim was to be loved as a daughter. But the effort was all in vain. In the end I had to realize that I cannot force love to come if it is not there in the first place. On the other hand, I learned that a feeling of love will establish itself automatically (for example, love for my children or love for my friends) once I stop demanding that I feel such love and stop obeying the moral injunctions imposed on me. But such a sensation can happen only when I feel free and remain open and receptive to all my feelings, including the negative ones."  Alice

This could be the whole book on my journey.  How I followed my body, stopped obeying the commandment and no longer forced myself to try and feel feelings I did not have; with my parents.  

My body was truthful - I couldn't be friendly to those who hurt me.

Love truly arrived in its glorious feelings once I accepted, acknowledge and felt the volumes of negative feelings I had repressed.

Genuine feelings are NOT the effort of a conscious effort.

No matter how hard I tried to be the loving daughter, love didn't flow.

It wasn't a genuine feeling for me.

And, no wonder I was treated unfriendly by them.

I love how my body is magnificently a truth detector; it truly never lies.

Once I was on to my body and its ability to be genuine, so too could I be.

I followed it.

It has never failed me.

I may be the displaced family member, but it is totally authentic for me to be outside the circle.

Displaced is the correct identity for someone like me.

Displaced from my family is a truer definition of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Her Journey

Death brings family together; naturally.  

Unless you are on the outside. 

All things stay the same; except completely different in their lives.

I ponder her life, her soul and what she teaches. What is her legacy upon the land?

How can I live to  honor her journey?

A young woman I didn't know; yet knew.

We both grew in the circle of the same family.

What was her experience compared to mine?

Was her pattern like mine?

Were we more alike than different?

We didn't seek each other out. 

Nor, did our paths cross after I left the family.

Estrangement's rules leave me with little choices. Or perhaps the stand against abuse has its own rules that I adhere to.

As family circles close, I experience PTSD symptoms.  

The old me arises from the ashes or is pulled by familiar threads.  

Shaken awake, it wonders about our path.

Are we walking in harmony with my truth and feelings?

Do my actions match my experience?

Am I being authentic or just a cold hearted bitch?

What do estranged siblings do for each other when death arrives?

Or, for that matter any family event?

I am slung back to the original event, the moment of truth, that can't be ignored.

The pivotal moment that changed me, and my life, still remains true today. 

Abuse. Incest. Denial. The perfect storm that spun my world out of its well bred control.

While no one is asking me to rejoin the family, it feels like I am made to chose me, over them, again.  The heart wrenching choice of being alone.

My journey forward has been to be different.  To hold strong in moments where it would be easier to go weak. To capitulate and go along to get along.  To let go of my inner self to appease the crowd.

The body responds with anxiety and the other markers of PTSD, at the idea of being in their presence.  It knows more than I.

Wiser from experience.

The wounded little girl inside of me knows, that by remaining with a new pattern of post traumatic growth, it is what I need to do.

Growing is painful and yet very inspiring.

Each time I can successfully walk the tough walk, I know I am changing my DNA or family  tendencies.

While it hurts me to be outside the grief circle, I know that some will find great peace love and joy within.

Her death will strengthen all of us.

Some in the new pattern, and others will cling to the comforts of old.

I get it.

We all are led by that something inside of us.

Nothing within me feels drawn to the family I left.

Just as nothing within them feels the need to leave.

We are both living out our truths.

Apart.

My heart's first expression was that of loneliness and deep sadness for her journey.

Yet what can I know.

Perhaps it is deep sadness for mine.

I have a term "Brilliantly Tragic".

That is how I often feel.

Inside of me is an ocean of grief on the outer circles of family...along side the mountains of gratitude to be creating a new pattern.

And, that is life.

We embrace the tragic and celebrate the joy, love and peace.

I will continue to live my life fuller and with more conviction to be me, in honor of her.

May each of us take something from her journey.

 

 

 

 

 

Shawl of Love

Happy Mother's Day has many different angles.  I am a mother, I am estranged from a mother, and my daughter is a mother.  Generations of women ahead and behind me. The past and the future connected by me.

Mother's Day looking back at my mother leaves me empty, where praise and heroic memories should be.  I see the volumes of heavy obligations and escapes. Holes in her morals and values when they were needed the most. Her tapestry is weaved by her weakness, blindness and faithful love of her religion.  A shroud that leaves me out.

I feel nothing to celebrate or praise.

Nothing that draws me near.

I know her fabric, for it was from there that I had to break free.

I know its weight and confinement.

I too was dead, but breathing.

Busting out of the heavy cloak of denial is what has set us apart.

I see, feel and can move independently.

My freedom and awareness dance lightly in reality.

And yet, there are strings and threads of my past.

I cannot get a different childhood and parents.

My estrangement will always set me apart.

From those whose lives are untouched by abuse and those who still hold tightly to relationships laced in abuse.

I am between both worlds.

Different.

A third path.

New

I celebrate those who are strong enough to break free of old patterns, of letting go from dysfunctional families, to be resolute in the separation.

The distance between my mother and I, is what will give my granddaughter a new legacy.

 

Sheryl Sandberg spoke of Post Traumatic Growth, in her book “Option B”.

“The one I will become will catch me.”

I love this.

I truly know what it is like to have to become the one to catch me.

It was to become the mother I needed to mother me.

That is post traumatic growth.

Using trauma to grow is how we change the legacy of abuse.

I celebrate the post traumatic growth Moms.

Women who have gone against the pull of family in order to create a new pattern; one free of dysfunction and abuse. Those who show great post traumatic growth!  They are worth celebrating!

They stand alone, strong, brave and empowered; Badass Moms.

Who I became caught me; and with her I face a future filled with hope, love, peace and joy!  

Happy Mother's Day, celebrate women who changed their families legacy; by being stronger than the circumstances of their childhoods.

Women who love themselves enough to tear their patterns apart and recreate a new shawl of love!