IMPERFECT Lady

Second Half!

We have two days left for the first half of the year, it is amazing how quickly time goes by!

I went back and read my New Year's blog, and mostly what I had said was that I didn't expect anything from the year; but I wondered what new things I would add to me this year?  How would I spend my time?

With half a year gone, I have done so many things for the first time or reignited old things I used to do. It has opened up new doors and new friends have entered!

The first half of the year is on track, and I am excited to see what I add for the second.

Life is lived in the days and moments.  What we say yes to and how much we put into a day.  Making plans and dreaming of new adventures to accomplish.

At 58, I feel that my life is mostly lived. Meaning, I have done more living than I have yet to go.  

In last third of my life or the third act, I hope to continue to add new things; to do something for the first time!  

This act alone makes you feel younger.  

As each new day dawns, there are endless ways in which we can chose to play.

I feel the sands of time seeping past, my hour glass showing more passing of time; than what I have left to live.  And, I don't want to waste them or wait for "another day".  Today, is the day in which we live.

 

To look deeper into what we see each day. Look and take note of how many moments of joy we have in one day.  

Cheryl Sandberg, who wrote "Option B" said that joy brings hope.

When she was at her lowest, she challenged herself to find 5 moments of joy each day.

They can be simple, like "hot tea".

Imagine, how many moments of joy will be added up in a year!  And, those are only the ones you are aware of!

Joy often is the absence of pain, worry, or sadness.

Life is packed with so much that we don't notice; until we decide to seek it out.

I sought out adventures and they keep coming in.

I wanted to live a life of love, peace and joy and they continue to pop up in the most unusual places!

I am excited for the second half!

 

 

The Potential That We Had

Broken relationships will not mend with silence. Nor, will they be repaired with time. I believe, that there has to be a movement of some kind; someone has to walk backwards and wipe away the line that was drawn in the sand.

Someone has to call uncle and withdraw their original beef.
In order for the old peace to be won. A truce called.

I don’t believe you can leap frog over a dozen years and land in the present and reconnect without a cost.

While it has been many years of broken relationships with my family of origin, each of us is holding something we value.

Something we value MORE than the relationship we have with each other.

I am not the only one who is ‘holding out’.

Each of the broken ones have a different voltage with me.

I guess the more energy I put into the relationship, the longer it lingers in my body, mind and soul.

The ways in which my mother and I broke apart were felt for a long time. Mostly in how I didn’t really know her. And the affect of her actions upon me. And, how I had to rebuild myself into a reverse image of her.

In order to reconnect, I would have to reverse my ways to look more like hers.

“Birds of a feather, flock together…”

Mostly, I feel that the broken relationships broke for a reason. Each of us were unwilling to break who we were; so it was easier to break apart.

For my side, I was no longer able to lie to myself; to be untruthful to me. I had just found myself. A broken self who had just discovered her abuse. I wouldn’t leave her feelings and refused to lighten the abuse or water down its affects.

There was no grace or light that could erase magically this part of my biography.

In standing with my broken self, I stood against abuse; and those who supported the abusers even if by their silence.

When I look backwards at what I could have done different, I am always led back to me.

To be with me and my truth.

In order to mend the broken relationships, I would have to break me.

It would mean going back on my words to myself.

To let my wounded little girl go silent and stuff that part of my biology back into the dark.

It may seem like an easy road back; but it would be littered with parts of me.

I recall feeling like each new truth was bringing a part of me back to myself. So, to reverse the journey, it would be to give parts of me away.

I whole heartedly believe, that I would truly lose my mind, self and soul to start cutting me up now; aware. To die while alive.

I believe that parts of me were stolen bit by bit; either by religion or abuse, or just society’s rules.

Now, I am a whole being.

I embrace all of my biology, warts and all.

In doing so, I am unwilling to break me apart for any relationship.

While there is grief over what I have lost; the bigger tragedy would be to lose Me.

I have a grasp on my integrity and authenticity.

It has taken me dozen plus years to get all the pieces back that I gave away in lies, to be like, to get along, to be a good church person, a daughter, a sister etc.

My old life cost me Me.

To sweep away the past 12 years and jump back into old relationships, would be to travel back in time and become the old me.

Or the start of my fall.

Falling away from Me.

My rigidness is being faithful to me.

As, the other is faithful to who they are as well.

We broke, so to remain honest to what we believed.

I do miss them.  Or, the potential that we had...

 

Where I once belonged.

"Anything worthwhile has got to cost us something. And, if it doesn't we are left to question its value." Martin Sheen

 

It does seem impossible that in order to gain awareness and reality, I had to lose so much. 

Yet, I agree that anything worthwhile will cost you something. AND, if it doesn't you have to question the value of that choice.

So, as I watch my brother enter back into the places I have exited, I am left wondering about my choices.  What choices have I made that are off balance? What items did I leave behind, that perhaps I should  have taken forward? And, even what was the impetus that set in motion my journey?  What has changed, that I should revisit a choice?

And, most important, what is the value of what I am doing?

Is there a value to being displaced from the family; from standing outside of the family circle and holding on to the choices I have had made?

Equally, is there a value of remaining inside or rejoining the family?

There is a cost of doing something worthwhile; but what is the worthwhile part of each of our choices?

I know, that for me, what is worthwhile is to try and interrupt the cycle of abuse.

Period.

It will be worthwhile if one child is spared.

If one child sees another way of what love is.

When abuse IS in the family, you have to disrupt the usual family motions to get the cycle to spin differently. 

I know, that I alone can't change my family of origin.

But, I can show another way.

My journey has been worthwhile for I value the idea of a family without abuse.

Imagine.

What stops me each time, is that I would have given up on this idea; that I will lay down my vision, of a family of love.

Love free of abuse.

Another quote from Martin Sheen - "Another word for freedom is responsibility."

I believe, that each of us are responsible for the content of our love.

I decide what my love looks like.

I am responsible for how I love.

My love is free.

My love has truth.

My love is total acceptance of what is.

There certainly is a huge cost to gaining love from dysfunction; but anything worthwhile will come with a cost.  

It cost me the dysfunctional Me.

Me, in denial.

And, all those who lived there.

To enter back in, I would have to un-see and un-know what I know.

I would have to actively and consciously deny what I know in reality.

And, what would be worthwhile about that???

What is the value of denial?

And, more importantly, what would it say about the 12 plus years of my journey so far? Would it all be for naught, to return to whence I began- to reenter into the cycle of dysfunction.

Is that what the journey is for, to keep cycling back?

Is it not like an addict going back to the drug?

Call me mental, but my journey out has no return ticket.

My wellness, awareness and love and peace is in the forward motion.

It is a journey forward; not back.

I do not carry "justified resentments".  

I carry with me truth to power.

Again it is worthwhile to have one child spared sexual abuse at the hands of family.

There is no value for me to go back to where I once belonged.

 

 

 

One by One

Below is a link to a podcast about a Laestadian woman's experience leaving her childhood religion and how abuse was weaved in.  Here is the link to the site.

https://www.culturechatpodcast.com/helenalucia/

It is always helpful to hear another person echo your experience. While the First Apostolic Lutheran Church isn't the same one she was raised in, they are quite similar.

She makes reference between the affects from being raised in these type churches AND being abused, that both leave you with a damaged psyche.

So, you are already damaged, and then abused.

This is what I believe as well.  It makes the most sense in how so many will not report or leave relationships after abuse.  They are not with healthy boundaries prior to the sexual and or physical abuse.

It does take a great effort to right your upside down psyche, and to leave family and the close knit circles.

I love too, how she says that those who leave are worse than the worldly folk. We are evil.

Thanks Helena for sharing your story.  Little by little we will poke holes in the fabric of what is presented to the public, as religions and families of high morals and values.

Today, and actually for the past few weeks, I have been wondering what is my purpose, what would be the story I need to tell?  What has my experience been for?  

Listening to her talk has shown me that it is important to tell a story different from the ones that so many families want to keep front and center.

The narrative that doesn't have abuse, or ill effects from being raised where you believe your core center is sin. Where you have been controlled by fear and guilt.  There are serious negative outcomes from these religions. 

When the voices are silent, only one voice is heard. The narrative that is minus abuse.

We need to keep breaking the silence; one by one.

 

 

 

 

 

I got this.

My biking adventure began at 6:40AM on Friday - I headed out optimistic.  About halfway to Houghton, I called my husband to come and meet me.  My load was too heavy, something had to go.  

I then continued on, mentally dumping things - hiking poles, hat, two extra jackets, nightwear, rubber mallet, to name a few.

I met my leader after I had pedaled about 9 miles. Her load looked light and compact and she was a smooth pedaler. I was in trouble.

I fell into place behind two athletic looking women.  I was out of my element; but holding strong.

We  then met up with a few locals who meet on Fridays for morning coffee - they commute to work daily.  One women was heading out to Wisconsin, she was fully loaded and her body looked strong enough to take on the task!

My anxiousness was made even more so - these bodies and bikes were made for touring - how would me, my mountain bike and burley keep up?

I had worries or concerns prior to the ride.  

The hills - getting across the bridge pulling burley, being able to get in and out of the tent making a successful bathroom experience, going down hills with burley making me speed, to name a few.

Yet each worry was met with success.

OH, and the ladies I was on the adventure with were not familiar to me.  What was I doing, on this ride with ladies who have been riding trails and roads, and going on long out of state adventures?  Nothing like doing your first overnight camp/bike trip with seasoned in shape ladies!  

But, I cycled on.   The hill outside of Lake Linden, I had to push burley and me up.  Just moving that load up the hill was a success!  

Each long incline was met with angst and then achievement.  The miles rolled on.

The first day total was 39 for me.  One of the ladies said, "We round up"....so, let say 40 then.

Here I am with the woman who planned this and was my mentor and guide along the roads.  She slowed way down to keep up with me. She is one of my new role models!  She glided up that steep hill with loaded down bike like she was in her 20's. She is 69!

Arriving at the beach we then went for a walk along the lake.  It was simply a perfect day!!!

Mine is in the front - Big Agnes!  She did her job and kept me dry, even with the small thunderstorm we had on night two.  I hope her and I will go on more adventures!!

Setting up our tents.  There were three of us who slept in tents the first night and two the second.

My new friends are musical, and very inspiring on so many levels.

I love her spirit of just playing and singing....my other new friend is 70 and she is a badass biker girl. And, she brought a nightgown to sleep in!  I loved her energy!! I hope I can spend more time with her!!!  

Happy I made it through the first day!  

The sunrise on day two!  Incredible!!!  

Most of these ladies did 36 miles on day two.

My new friend and I chose to take an easier ride. 

Well, we did have an impromptu picnic first!  

We sat and enjoyed the view...until the clouds rolled in.  We did 12 miles that day and felt it was perfect with the beach picnic.

More music and great conversation on night two!  And, a small thunderstorm in the middle of the night.

Sunrise day two!  I slept much better, it was a bit warmer and perhaps I was just plain tired.  

Lots of new experiences, new friends, lots of great conversations and of course biking!

I am glad I was able to head out despite my fears, worries and concerns.  All of which never arrived. And when each moment happened, I successfully navigated the way forward.

This new friend is a hard core rider.  I kept calling her and her friend "girls"; they appear to be around 30, but are in their early 50's I think.

Here we are at Rice Lake...about 11 miles into my 42 mile day.  Right after this picture, we turned a corner and headed up a few mile incline.  Yes, that is right a few miles of a 'slight' uphill.  I stayed on the bike and pedaled. My new biking friends told me to keep my shoulders loose and let my energy go to my legs. What a helpful hint.  Yet, it was still a climb!

19 miles in we stopped for breakfast.  Once I sat down, I could have been done.  The weather then climbed to 73 and sunny. 

Back on the bikes...we headed towards Hancock.

After my second ride over the bride, pulling the burley, I was back on familiar territory.  OH my god, did it feel good!  I know these trails and they were beautiful!

My leader and I parted ways after the trail and I headed into my last 9 miles alone.

Oh what joy to be back in Chassell!

I could almost feel the relief of getting off the bike!  As I rounded the bend at the end of Chassell, the temps dropped and headwinds picked up.  My last push to our road was hard on weary legs!

Only two miles of gravel and I was home!

The burley and I...did it!

I am so grateful I went.  I loved that I was able to successfully accomplish the goals we had set and to override my fears and worries.  Feeling a little bit more self assured!

I may not look like a badass biker chick; but yeah that's me!

And look at the heavy load I pulled, pedaled and traveled with for 93 miles.

Today, I rode for 42 miles!

Three days of the new and unknown.  Meeting women I had never met before and finding new friends! 

Challenges give you much more than you can ever know prior to heading out.

Thank you to all the women who are role models in being adventurous, you ladies rock!

Feeling tired in the best way ever...going out of my comfort zone and nailing it!

Take that worries; I got this!