"I am human and I find I have fear ready to escape my throat just as often as stories and solutions. But, when I make a choice, I move forward and, no matter how shaky my voice is, I know the foundation of truth I stand on is solid." Mwende Katwiwa
It has been 13 years since I broke out of denial and into reality and have been speaking about the affects of sexual abuse and being raised in a very strict closed religion. And, the first truths were mostly uttered to family.
Taking the side of the victim.
I was able to so easily see this from her eyes, and quickly recognized, it was because I was a victim too.
I don't believe it was a conscious choice, yet it was. To speak up instead of be silent. To wait for direction on how I should respond; instead I moved intuitively and letting my emotions/feelings lead me forward.
Something inside of me moved me either further away from some or closer to others.
I was often terrified to speak my truth. To say that which so many kept quiet about.
And, still am.
Yet, the cost of silence is too much. On me and for sure on others who are looking to be affirmed.
Here is more from Mwende.
"I’m often painted as someone who speaks out ‘naturally’ and unapologetically.
But, unapologetic doesn’t mean unafraid or inherently brave.
Unapologetic doesn’t mean I don’t question myself constantly.
Unapologetic doesn’t erase my shyness and anxiety after I say or do something that unsettles me, then have to follow up with people afterward with no time to check in with myself.
I wish I could say speaking out or up is easy, but it’s not, especially when you find yourself the only one having a particular experience or understanding of an experience. It can be exhausting and often isolating, even (…actually…especially) if people support your message from a distance but do little to nothing to work alongside you; if they want you to be the “first domino” but refuse to ever fall themselves." Mwende Katwiwa
These past years have placed me in the front of rooms public speaking, or saying things to family, say no - when in the past it was yes.
Only those who have dared be the first domino to fall, can truly understand these words.
What looks brave is often extremely uncomfortable; but it is even more so important to speak.
Who, if not I, will shed light upon the church and how it feels to be sexually abused etc?
I have listened for other voices, both near and far to join me. A few begin and then grow silent. I understand. Completely.
This road to say what most fear and will do anything to keep silent, isn't for the faint of heart.
You will become known as someone to shy away from.
The dangerous one, who has the ability to make others think, doubt and perhaps even too, speak out.
It isn't easy being an Artist.
Read more here.
https://medium.com/@mwendekatwiwa/i-was-invited-to-give-a-ted-talk-then-asked-to-cut-black-lives-matter-from-it-c37b73633a9d
