IMPERFECT Lady

Workout This Year!

Another full year awaits us, wide open and a clean slate.

What will your intention be for you this year?

Will you make promises you can't keep?

We approach a year as if the year has more power than the voice inside of us.

Who is making the promises and to whom?

Last year my word for the year was Dare. 

In situations where I was torn, the word would push me into a decisions. Often a decision that I would not have made, if it were not for the promise to myself to dare more this year.

So, as I sit here today, I am pondering my new word.

I want it to be playful and silly, nonsensical.

NONSENSICAL is my word!

I LOVE this.  

For way too many years I have been so serious, so methodical and reasonable, so responsible to be nonsensical. 

I was afraid to be too silly and playful.

What I believe, but can't prove, is that I was caught and abused while playing, so I became very serious and aware. Didn't dare let my guard down to throw caution to the winds and just be a kid and play.

I have said my sense of being responsible has been a heavy burden and weight upon me.

I felt too responsible; even for things that were not mine to carry.

The happiness of others, to carry more than my share, to put my needs aside for everyone....oh the list is long.  A sensible list of being the oldest girl of 14.

Now, I will try and release the nonsensical energies within me.

Letting go of being so serious will allow my soul to run free - childlike.

My actions don't need to make sense.

Impractical and ridiculous will be fun things to do!

Imagine the ludicrous, and the preposterous - that will be Me.

2018 will be the year I let go of being so responsible and sensible.

I looked up the antonyms to nonsensical and there I was - realistic and reasonable!

 

 

And, for some reason, this photo will not post upside right.  I guess this is my start to being nonsensical!

I am excited for a year of full of finding moments to be nonsensical - to let my inner crazy silly girl run free!

Good-bye Daring, what a wonderful adventurous year you gave me.

Out with the old and in with the new!

My soul is excited contemplating the year ahead!

I LOVE letting go of being responsible and reasonable! 

Yes!!! Nonsensical we will have so much fun this year!!

I wonder in which ways nonsensical will grow me?

How will releasing nonsensical, change my world?

It feels light and free.

I want this for me; very much!

I love having words that will change how I answer when choices appear.

My nonsensical muscle will get a workout this year!

 

Merry is what we are!

When past ghosts of dysfunctional behavior arrives by the way of my old pleasing ways; it can swiftly lower my energy to a point of "being all glum over there in the corner". 

What I am always surprised by is the sneakiness, or how it is hidden in 'kindness'.

I can now see more clearly how pleasing steals your joy, how doing to make others happy, can have the reverse response IF there are too many pleases at one time.

Being aware, like hyper-vigilant about what you are doing especially during busy holiday times is very key for those of us who are recovering people pleasers and co-dependents.

I got lost in what everyone else needed and forgot about me, until I felt backed in the corner and overwhelmed. Everyone was happy; but me. 

Goal made.

My old ways accomplished.

When you please everyone and forget about your own needs, you will be glum in the corner.

It has been a long while, since I lost sight of my needs.

Or, my ability to say no and let others be less happy.

What I also learned was that when you deplete your energy, it doesn't come back easily or with the intention of "It's Christmas Eve, Be happy now."

My inner energy balance was drained.

Not by one too many batches of cookies, but the combination of many things.

I got caught up in doing it all.  

Like I had done so much in the past.

I used way way overextend myself, to serve those who I thought needed a brighter christmas. 

Like I was Christmas Joy.

Only to end up joyless.

Empty.

Energy spent.

It wasn't one request or one thing, I thought needed to be done, it was the combination of it all.

What was most surprising to me, was me.

My feeling, the feelings in the state of being empty.

This hasn't happened to me in a long long while; like years a decade or more.

I got to revisit the scene of christmas, family, lights, presents and not have that fill you up.

Meaning, if you arrive empty, you will leave empty.

I have known, and felt for years now, Christmas can't replace the inner joy of being.

It's not its job.

Each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room, as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says; but, we are also responsible for keeping our energy high, and not draining it to fill others.

For some reason, this christmas I lost my ability to monitor my own energy, until it was all sucked out.

Too late.

And, I had to watch how it felt to be so empty of energy.

I sat and noticed, noting how our inner world is solely ours to repair. 

Nothing from the outside can refill me.

I have to do it.

I can truly see how our mental health - inner feelings- are so important.

In the past many years, I have not felt this drained feeling, or the come down after christmas. I could never articulate what that was.  Now, I can see it be empty of self.

Where you give far beyond, forgetting to keep a reserve. And, even giving to those who you can't fill. Please the un-pleaseable.

The glumness of being empty overshadow all on Christmas Eve Eve.

What an incredible gift to re-visit my old self.

What joy to know, this is no longer my usual me.

The weight of what some may call depression or feelings of blue, is hard to live with inside.

Our personal inner landscape has to be tended to with care.

We are the ones we are waiting for.

It is up to us to keep our insides happy.

We can't deliver happy, joy or love.

You can't receive happy, joy or love.

We have to be happy, in joy and in love from the inside out.

Doing whatever it takes to keep our inner light shining bright.

And, giving others the ability to do the same.

I appreciate the ghosts of christmas pasts that came to visit.

The gift I had to see my past self.

I know where I lose my energy and what it takes to keep my love, peace and joy.

When, you have joy inside, the christmas is icing on the cake.

When you don't have joy, Christmas can't deliver it, no matter what gifts you get or don't get, who is there or isn't there.

Christmas is a feeling you have inside.

Merry is what we are!

 

 

 

 

My Lady, my Art and I

"Art is something you do, that no one can take away" Terry Crews

Hearing those words on a podcast today, made me emotional.  I felt their truth.

Art truly is something no one can take away.

It is personal, and part of us that no one can remove.

Which is why my fiber art meant so much in the early years after discovering I was abused.

Learning about my abuse, I felt abused all over again. That the perfect part of me was taken, that I was somehow cheated on being an innocent.

Creating Art somehow restored the specialness inside of me.

It was a part of me that will remain untouched.

This makes me love Art and its process even more! 

Art restores the soul and that cannot be removed.

Art therapy, has to know this.

 

On a different podcast, I heard this. "To take something to a different level, you have to go too far, to create a new paradigm." JD Roth

Meaning, in order to create a new pattern, you have to be "way out there".  I LOVE this too.

It affirms what I have felt.

In changing the legacy of abuse, your life will have to be so different in order to really make the change into a new paradigm. It can't be sorta different, but way out there.

And, the good news, for me, is that I have been accused of this. Of taking things too far, of being so different.

I know we all know this.  Yet, we don't want to really know this, for it will mean doing things completely different.  If you want to shift into a new paradigm, you will have to be way out there when it comes to doing your every day life. Different doesn't mean kinda sorta the same. And, you will often be alone, in order to rise to a new level.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Einstein.

What I believe so many struggle with, is wanting things to change, but not wanting to go so far away from what they are used to doing.  Or for the change to upset or disturb their worlds. 

And, to be seen as going too far!

Most just want to have things magically rise to a new level without having to travel too far off the beaten path.

I love days when I hear things that affirm my journey.

These quotes feel true to me.

I love that my actions and life choices are too far away from my old ways of being.

 

It is good to know that I have gone too far and that my art cannot be taken away from me!

Also, on the podcast it mentioned that Art often is the most expressive after a turmoil or an upheaval, when things appear to be falling apart. Artist rise and give balance to darkness.  

I know this was true for me. 

My art balanced out my life.

Art is quite a healer on so many levels.

The process of doing art for me; is a life stabilizer, where I find joy, love and peace, where I express my unexpressed emotions, where life makes sense, when life doesn't make sense,and where I found myself, and where my soul felt its worth.

Doing Art really is a therapy session for me!

While it is silent; it speaks.

Through color, design, and motion or emotion - art and I dance to the beat of my heart.

I learned in art to do things I love, what makes me feel alive, what brings a smile, where joy is seen. And, my life is me imitating my Art - and sometimes, my art imitates my life.

(The quilt I created after falling down many times racing in the Great Bear Chase 10K)

 

My journey going too far, certainly has been much kinder to me, with my Art.

My art often is the entry point and breaks the silence of abuse.

What a journey we have been on; My Lady, my Art and I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living outside the lines!

What are my life's greatest lessons; so far?

What have I learned that has impacted my life, and allowed me to be who I am today?

Is there something that others can learn from me?

Am I an example, or a lesson?

Can I be both?

Will it not be in the eye of the beholder?

I learned my lessons well as a child.  

Lessons taught from the viewpoint of a strict religion, a dysfunctional family and my role models didn't rock boats or go outside the lines.

My lessons were laced in fear.

Undoing them has been to unravel my emotional and psychological damage IN HOPES of finding a self that I could live with.

What I am sure many fail to appreciate, is when you have been emotionally, physically and mentally damaged, you can't know if you will find a self that you can live with.

One who is at peace.

Who can find joy.

A self that feels like contentment and fulfillment.

A whole self.

Even if she is imperfect, patched and with scars.

A person you can feel proud of.

The woman who left the family, wasn't cheered, isn't seen as strong, or kind.

So, I had to be my own cheerleader first.

And believe in my strength.

Feel my kindness to me.

In life, our inner circles usually are our greatest support. 

When you try and get healthy and put up boundaries, in a dysfunctional home, the inner circle will become your greatest hurdle.

My lessons, were to do differently than my mother.

That left us at complete and utter odds.

She still tries to be part of my world.  

I received my 59th birthday card.

She says, "Love, forever and always", like words mean something.

My biggest lesson was to do what she could not do.  

I don't berate her.  

I know, what it costs me to walk against abuse.

I know what I lost.

Many feel they can be vigilant, be aware enough and stay in and around and with relationships where abuse lives.

I disagree.

Many feel that kindness and love and acceptance and forgiveness WILL undo the legacy of abuse. 

I disagree.

IF, that worked, there would be no abuse in the world.

My lesson IS that in order for you to be against abuse, you will have to walk away from those who abuse, who support abusers by being kind and family to them...

My biggest lesson looks like a big failure, for in the end, I end up without a family of origin.

I stand alone.

They end up together, gathering as usual. Abuse a blip on the screen, a long while ago - or are they unaware of new blips to yet another generation?

Both sides are teaching, and learning, and being examples.

Nothing goes un-noticed.

Many will see my life as an example of what happens when you do speak up and about and against abuse - you become estranged.

Still, others will see me as an example of being free of abuse, a strict religion, inauthentic relationships - a free spirit.

You will see me with your perception.

And, that perception can change,

but, will it change Me?

Who am I to you, will depend upon how you see yourself.

I have lived life from both sides now, and I love being a free spirit.

Your eyes in the group will look at me much differently, than those living outside the lines!

 

 

 

How I grew!

I grew quite a lot in one year.  I experienced things I had never done before and placed myself in situations that were beyond my comfort zone, and I grew.

I learned how much more I can do and what I am capable of and how the body will rise to each challenge, and I learned how individualized life is. No one really cares more about you; than you.

I learned I am not a racer.  Trying to beat time didn't ignite me. I enjoy the activity and time actually fades away. It was fun to be part of a team!  The real racers have perfected their skills and are real athletes!  I am a joy rider!  I love being outside with friends!

I learned that I can ride far and carry my own supplies.  I learned that my fears are often huge in my head and in real life; quite small.

I was quite anxious wondering how I would make the ride, the camping and being among new women I didn't know. Setting aside my fears, it went remarkably well. I would LOVE to do this again. It was challenging, and I learned I need better gear; but it was so achievable!  And, I made new friends and found new personal skills.

I wonder where I will ride and camp next year and with who? Who will meet and what new place will I discover?

And, I learned how to ride a Skegway!  Talk about fun - it was discerning and funny all at once.  In one short hour I felt like a pro! I would totally do this again.  My fears, were falling and going out of control, and none of it happened. I can't wait for the next opportunity to do this!

And, the ladies of WIND, did a few overnight camping trips and we kayaked, biked and hiked.  I had to learn how to pull a trailer!  It was easier than I thought; but it does require you to think ahead.  I would much rather have my kayaks on the jeep!

And, then I tried the paddle boards out!  OH My, they are much harder than I thought, and I can see with a good hip, they would be fun to have.  I would much rather be on the shores of Lake Superior than in town by a dock and bridge and boats. But, hey I was on one, and I stood up and paddled and steered it around - and fell.  Another fear conquered.

And then I was part of a Copper Man Team - Team 49916 - And, my segment was to bike 23 miles. 

Me among some great athletes again.  My hat is off to those who really get into racing and building a strong body. But, as I learned earlier in the year, I am not a racer girl.

There were a few of us who dared to enter, knowing we would be in last place.  I loved the cheerleaders, who recognize the courage it takes to be out of your element.

As my 58th year comes to a close, I know that I am a finisher! I have danced with my fears and won.  I dared, (which was my word for 2017) and because I dared, I had a wonderful adventurous year!

I sit on the eve before 59, I am grateful for all that I did in one small year; not counting all the other less fearful moments of joy, hiking, biking, loving, creating, being.

Life isn't about being fearless.

It is about letting your fears ride along.

Gather them close, become friends and see where you will go!

I am so looking forward to being 59!

I will always look fondly at being 58 and how I grew!

 

Being an Artist

"I am human and I find I have fear ready to escape my throat just as often as stories and solutions. But, when I make a choice, I move forward and, no matter how shaky my voice is, I know the foundation of truth I stand on is solid." Mwende Katwiwa

It has been 13 years since I broke out of denial and into reality and have been speaking about the affects of sexual abuse and being raised in a very strict closed religion.  And, the first truths were mostly uttered to family. 

Taking the side of the victim.

I was able to so easily see this from her eyes, and quickly recognized, it was because I was a victim too.

I don't believe it was a conscious choice, yet it was. To speak up instead of be silent. To wait for direction on how I should respond; instead I moved intuitively and letting my emotions/feelings lead me forward.

Something inside of me moved me either further away from some or closer to others.

I was often terrified to speak my truth. To say that which so many kept quiet about.

And, still am.

Yet, the cost of silence is too much. On me and for sure on others who are looking to be affirmed.

Here is more from Mwende.

"I’m often painted as someone who speaks out ‘naturally’ and unapologetically.

But, unapologetic doesn’t mean unafraid or inherently brave.

Unapologetic doesn’t mean I don’t question myself constantly.

Unapologetic doesn’t erase my shyness and anxiety after I say or do something that unsettles me, then have to follow up with people afterward with no time to check in with myself.

I wish I could say speaking out or up is easy, but it’s not, especially when you find yourself the only one having a particular experience or understanding of an experience. It can be exhausting and often isolating, even (…actually…especially) if people support your message from a distance but do little to nothing to work alongside you; if they want you to be the “first domino” but refuse to ever fall themselves."  Mwende Katwiwa 

 

These past years have placed me in the front of rooms public speaking, or saying things to family, say no - when in the past it was yes.

Only those who have dared be the first domino to fall, can truly understand these words.

What looks brave is often extremely uncomfortable; but it is even more so important to speak.

Who, if not I, will shed light upon the church and how it feels to be sexually abused etc?

I have listened for other voices, both near and far to join me. A few begin and then grow silent.  I understand.  Completely.

This road to say what most fear and will do anything to keep silent, isn't for the faint of heart.

You will become known as someone to shy away from.

The dangerous one, who has the ability to make others think, doubt and perhaps even too, speak out.

" In times of dread, artists must never choose to remain silent…There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear."

It isn't easy being an Artist.

 

Read more here.

 https://medium.com/@mwendekatwiwa/i-was-invited-to-give-a-ted-talk-then-asked-to-cut-black-lives-matter-from-it-c37b73633a9d

 

 "Welcome out of the cave, my friend. It's a bit colder out here, but the stars are just beautiful."  Plato

 I love how she was able to articulate the over arching energy of living in a cult for women and children.

How she was only motivated when those she loved were mistreated.  And, how she had to learn to become  a leader for her own six year old self; as an adult.

I know, there will be many who will try and defend the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, how it isn't 'as bad as this'. But, the outcome is the same.

When a young child's self-worth is reduced, and they are made to feel shameful, there can be no redeeming quality to hold onto. 

I love that more and more are speaking up and finding their own self-worth, along with understanding the lies and control system they were born into.

And, she wasn't talking about sexual abuse... just, if you will, Religious Abuse. And that was enough for her to lose herself-worth and love.

Without those two qualities, we see life completely different and we interact in the world in ways without setting boundaries.

When you have nothing to protect or stand up for, there is no need for boundaries.

(Hence we make the perfect targets for sexual abuse - we have no ownership of our bodies and minds.)

I was 46, when I discovered that I did not know me or love me.  And I hadn't even been aware of this.  

Does it not seem insane that you wouldn't know your own worth? Or, that you didn't love yourself?  How is it possible to be so blind, that you can't see you?

What I know to be true, coming from whence I came, is that they bit by bit turned me away from me.  

And, I gladly followed for acceptance and approval.

I sold my self to be a good christian, daughter etc.  

It totally matters where your self-worth and love comes from.

If someone carries your love or a church your value, you are empty of it yourself.

Even IF it is a negative value, theirs wins over no value inside of yourself.

The reason, many of these churches and cults reduce the value of a person, is it makes them easier to control. Period.

The power of the church, is not its teachings and spiritual beliefs etc. The true power comes from leading the unworthy and keeping them empty.

And, most of these cults and strict religions, use their women and children to be powerful over. Keeping them without a voice and choice.

The one two punch of many in these cults is to first lose their sense of self and then to be abused.  It is a double blind as I have read in different literature about the affects of abuse.

And, given these two twists, it is no wonder we can't get them to act as individuals against the machine. There simply isn't a Self to be enraged, to question or have doubts etc. 

For those who continue to feel that the First Apostolic Church is benign, you are a spoke in the wheel of the religious abuse machine.

Many who have talked to me about their abuse, while being still in the church, do not want to talk about the church; only the abuse.  Like you can separate the two. What they fail to appreciate is how intertwined it all is.

I just do not believe you can as easily abuse a fully aware self-loving child.

Number one, they are not seeking approval and value.

They own it.

Pedophiles can sniff out the child who needs attention.

Sadly, they get the wrong attention. Yet, negative attention is better than nothing. To be seen as something someone desires, is better than being neglected.

Oh, this blog could go on and on.

I will end with this, the only way we can heal ourselves after being a member of this church and being a victim of abuse, is to find your self.

What is so damn hard, is that we have to go find ourselves, we don't know who we are or what we are looking for, and further still, that we are missing.

The good news, is that if you don't know who you are, it means you have been controlled, and you can now find ways to become you.

Little by little, choice by choice, question by question.

Become the person you were born to be.

If only these religions/churches were benign.  

Yet, they are gutting us of our inner lights and unique selves... and leaving hollow beings easily controlled.

When I seen this with my newly opened eyes, it was quite horrifying. No wonder most want to remain asleep under the tree; believing in the lies.

We really can't wake anyone up, but we can speak about what our experiences are, and those who have one eye open may see or hear something that will get them to exit Plato's cave.

"Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood by the masses." Plato