What are my life's greatest lessons; so far?
What have I learned that has impacted my life, and allowed me to be who I am today?
Is there something that others can learn from me?
Am I an example, or a lesson?
Can I be both?
Will it not be in the eye of the beholder?
I learned my lessons well as a child.
Lessons taught from the viewpoint of a strict religion, a dysfunctional family and my role models didn't rock boats or go outside the lines.
My lessons were laced in fear.
Undoing them has been to unravel my emotional and psychological damage IN HOPES of finding a self that I could live with.
What I am sure many fail to appreciate, is when you have been emotionally, physically and mentally damaged, you can't know if you will find a self that you can live with.
One who is at peace.
Who can find joy.
A self that feels like contentment and fulfillment.
A whole self.
Even if she is imperfect, patched and with scars.
A person you can feel proud of.
The woman who left the family, wasn't cheered, isn't seen as strong, or kind.
So, I had to be my own cheerleader first.
And believe in my strength.
Feel my kindness to me.
In life, our inner circles usually are our greatest support.
When you try and get healthy and put up boundaries, in a dysfunctional home, the inner circle will become your greatest hurdle.
My lessons, were to do differently than my mother.
That left us at complete and utter odds.
She still tries to be part of my world.
I received my 59th birthday card.
She says, "Love, forever and always", like words mean something.
My biggest lesson was to do what she could not do.
I don't berate her.
I know, what it costs me to walk against abuse.
I know what I lost.
Many feel they can be vigilant, be aware enough and stay in and around and with relationships where abuse lives.
I disagree.
Many feel that kindness and love and acceptance and forgiveness WILL undo the legacy of abuse.
I disagree.
IF, that worked, there would be no abuse in the world.
My lesson IS that in order for you to be against abuse, you will have to walk away from those who abuse, who support abusers by being kind and family to them...
My biggest lesson looks like a big failure, for in the end, I end up without a family of origin.
I stand alone.
They end up together, gathering as usual. Abuse a blip on the screen, a long while ago - or are they unaware of new blips to yet another generation?
Both sides are teaching, and learning, and being examples.
Nothing goes un-noticed.
Many will see my life as an example of what happens when you do speak up and about and against abuse - you become estranged.
Still, others will see me as an example of being free of abuse, a strict religion, inauthentic relationships - a free spirit.
You will see me with your perception.
And, that perception can change,
but, will it change Me?
Who am I to you, will depend upon how you see yourself.
I have lived life from both sides now, and I love being a free spirit.
Your eyes in the group will look at me much differently, than those living outside the lines!
