When past ghosts of dysfunctional behavior arrives by the way of my old pleasing ways; it can swiftly lower my energy to a point of "being all glum over there in the corner".
What I am always surprised by is the sneakiness, or how it is hidden in 'kindness'.
I can now see more clearly how pleasing steals your joy, how doing to make others happy, can have the reverse response IF there are too many pleases at one time.
Being aware, like hyper-vigilant about what you are doing especially during busy holiday times is very key for those of us who are recovering people pleasers and co-dependents.
I got lost in what everyone else needed and forgot about me, until I felt backed in the corner and overwhelmed. Everyone was happy; but me.
Goal made.
My old ways accomplished.
When you please everyone and forget about your own needs, you will be glum in the corner.
It has been a long while, since I lost sight of my needs.
Or, my ability to say no and let others be less happy.
What I also learned was that when you deplete your energy, it doesn't come back easily or with the intention of "It's Christmas Eve, Be happy now."
My inner energy balance was drained.
Not by one too many batches of cookies, but the combination of many things.
I got caught up in doing it all.
Like I had done so much in the past.
I used way way overextend myself, to serve those who I thought needed a brighter christmas.
Like I was Christmas Joy.
Only to end up joyless.
Empty.
Energy spent.
It wasn't one request or one thing, I thought needed to be done, it was the combination of it all.
What was most surprising to me, was me.
My feeling, the feelings in the state of being empty.
This hasn't happened to me in a long long while; like years a decade or more.
I got to revisit the scene of christmas, family, lights, presents and not have that fill you up.
Meaning, if you arrive empty, you will leave empty.
I have known, and felt for years now, Christmas can't replace the inner joy of being.
It's not its job.
Each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room, as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says; but, we are also responsible for keeping our energy high, and not draining it to fill others.
For some reason, this christmas I lost my ability to monitor my own energy, until it was all sucked out.
Too late.
And, I had to watch how it felt to be so empty of energy.
I sat and noticed, noting how our inner world is solely ours to repair.
Nothing from the outside can refill me.
I have to do it.
I can truly see how our mental health - inner feelings- are so important.
In the past many years, I have not felt this drained feeling, or the come down after christmas. I could never articulate what that was. Now, I can see it be empty of self.
Where you give far beyond, forgetting to keep a reserve. And, even giving to those who you can't fill. Please the un-pleaseable.
The glumness of being empty overshadow all on Christmas Eve Eve.
What an incredible gift to re-visit my old self.
What joy to know, this is no longer my usual me.
The weight of what some may call depression or feelings of blue, is hard to live with inside.
Our personal inner landscape has to be tended to with care.
We are the ones we are waiting for.
It is up to us to keep our insides happy.
We can't deliver happy, joy or love.
You can't receive happy, joy or love.
We have to be happy, in joy and in love from the inside out.
Doing whatever it takes to keep our inner light shining bright.
And, giving others the ability to do the same.
I appreciate the ghosts of christmas pasts that came to visit.
The gift I had to see my past self.
I know where I lose my energy and what it takes to keep my love, peace and joy.
When, you have joy inside, the christmas is icing on the cake.
When you don't have joy, Christmas can't deliver it, no matter what gifts you get or don't get, who is there or isn't there.
Christmas is a feeling you have inside.
Merry is what we are!
