IMPERFECT Lady

"Instead of getting into battles over control, we need to engage our children to work with us in a collaborative manner when there's a disagreement.  Notice that I said, "collaborative" and didn't use the word "compromise." When we compromise, we tend to compromise ourselves, selling ourselves out to one degree or another. Although almost everyone thinks people should compromise, to do this is a far cry from the win-win solutions that can be achieved when we move away from a combative or controlling approach and simply collaborate."

"Compromise asks us to sacrifice, surrounding something that may be important to us. In contrast, negotiating in a collaborative manner involves seeking a solution that's win-win for everyone. The difference is that instead of trying to beat the other out of as much territory as possible, by collaboration we search for how everyone can get the best deal. There's no capitulation involved, since the point is to satisfy as many wishes of each individual as possible."

"Compromise comes from a feeling of lack, whereas collaborative negotiation ask us to embrace the insights that life offers us infinite possibilities. When we collaborate, we don't harbor a feeling of scarcity.  Instead, we operate from the assumption that there's enough the universe to make us all happy and we just have to figure out the way to manifest this. When we start from a feeling of infinite possibilities, we quickly realize that there are all kinds of options, plenty of choices."

"To negotiate collaboratively isn't about "keeping the peace," which is usually the reason people compromise themselves. To negotiate collaboratively doesn't eliminate conflict, and the sooner we learn to tolerate each other's different viewpoints, the more readily we will be able to brainstorm a way forward that works for all parties...."  Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. "The Awakened Family"

 

This way of working with each other when there is a disagreement will honor each person, instead of the push and pull of control to see who will release a part of themselves for compromise.

I love how this works with the infinite possibilities compared to chopping away at the other person's sense of self.

I believe the more we can stand fully in our own empowerment, and appreciate the same in others, we can then lean in to find a way to collaborate that will enhance all of our lives.

I will no longer compromise; but gladly collaborate with you!

"Trauma isn't what happened to you, but what happens inside you."

Tim Ferris Podcast

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-gabor-mate-new-paradigms-ayahuasca-redefining-addiction/id863897795?i=1000403111979&mt=2

Above is a great podcast on trauma with Dr. Gabor Mate, it is long but has some good information.

One point he made was "Trauma isn't what happened to you, but what happens inside you."

This changes how we will look at abuse.

Most often, I believe, folks will think, it happened along time ago, so just get over it.  But what they fail to appreciate what happened within us.

It changes our insides, and not only the way we see ourselves; but the self that sees the world.

Dr. Gabor spoke about there being two things our inner self needs as a child; one is attachment and the other is authenticity.

And, when we have to lie to ourselves to be loved, we give up our authenticity.

I know this to be true.

In order for me to be accepted and part of the family unit, my truth had to be cast aside.

And, oddly or perhaps not, when I stood by my self and my truth and began to live authentically, I lost the family.

To live life disconnected from your authenticity, is to be set adrift without a self in the world. I know how this feels.  I lived like that for 46 years. I had no clue who the real me was and it was terrifying to disconnect from those I was attached to, because I didn't have a me to be attached to. 

It is to be free floating for awhile.

Exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

I am going to go find myself, I don't know who I am or even that I was missing.

A great listen for there are many things we don't often hear about childhood trauma and the effects it creates as well as different treatments that are trying to reconnect us with ourselves. And, he also speaks about addictions.

He also agrees with Alice Miller and loves her books. He references "The Gifted Child."

 

 

A few things I have learned about love...in no order of greatness.

True love requires authenticity, any falseness weakens it.

Love demands doing hard stuff. 

Opening up the conversation about our differences. And, knowing when to leave, for self-love.

Love is simple; when you allow yourself to be you.

When you love yourself enough, you always know what to do.

Love can hold sorrow, when it knows it was the right thing to do.

Love is freedom.

Love is art.

Love is full acceptance of what is.

Love is courage, for without courage, you can't be authentic or real or do hard things.

Love loves joy and pleasure and deep hearted sorrow.

It loves emotions; the voice of love.

I didn't know love until I knew heartbreak.  And, then I knew what love wasn't.

Love is like breath and personal to each of us.

It may be the music of our soul.

Love allows me to be me, imperfectly.

Being your true authentic self is being love in this world.  Happy Valentine's Day!  

 

 

 

 

 

It can be challenging to create a quilt that represents a feeling or emotion and for it also to look inspiring and not depressing, when the emotions are very soul engulfing.

When we first speak up about our abuse, it is completely terrifying and liberating.

The weight of what we have been dragging around, colors our view of life and self. 

To even see a self separated from the abuse is a hard thing to conceptualize.

I starred at the empty beach that held the "before" and then the two women in the water.

I understood the freedom they felt and I know the weight of abuse, but how to depict what Judge Aquilina told the girls?

I first thought of words, that portrayed abuse, and then the idea of rocks came - rocks with words??? 

Or, just a pile of rocks.

 

Is this one pile, just hers - how much do each of us carry when our abuse goes un-noticed or disbelieved?

Does it grow as we grow?

Is our soul eclipsed by the weight of carrying the burden of the untold story?

I believe the weight we carry is the truth that completely opposes reality.

We carry it until we find someone who will allow us to unburden ourselves.

Someone who will allow us to lay down our reality, upon a "perfect" institution, family or church.

They allow our truth to be added, regardless of the cost; Whose reputation is soiled, or whose value is decreased.

The truth is allowed to just enter in.

We can lay it down.

Others will now carry part of our pain.

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday Art for Judge Aquilina.

Today's Sunday Art, I wanted to try and depict the sentiment of Judge Aquilina's step into unchartered waters, opening up space for so many victims to break their silence and embrace their truth.

I was drawn to a water, or beach scene, and then I wondered.

One lady, embracing her new freedom and into magnificence, or two women?

How do you depict what I felt?

Perhaps the safety of standing up in places that were unfamiliar and unknown.

Empowered women, empower women!

We dare take a step when we see others in the unknown and thriving.

What I hadn't expected after the emotional feelings of her (Judge Aquilina) words was that the tides of emotion would change.

That the hope I had would die.

Hope that her words would fall from my mother. 

The contrast between these two women was too big to reach a place of overlap and my hope fell through.

Hope in that someday.

Or maybe.

And, what if.

The sheer beauty and the hollow landscape bowed me over.

We embrace her kindness and then have to feel the space where others were speechless or worse said things that caused more pain.

I also thought, that the reason her words were so beautiful was that they are rare.

Which is again so sad.

How is it possible that we as humanity haven't learned what to say to victims of abuse?

How can we be so awkward, that kindness bends us down with emotion?

If only, victims were met with the compassion that Judge Aquilina showed, oh the road to healing would be so short.

Instead we are set adrift in the barren landscape of silence. For our truth is not welcome, understood, accepted, acknowledged, wanted...

We can only change the legacy of abuse, the bad legacy of silence, by doing something different.

It is one thing for the victims to be brave and speak their silence, it is a totally other thing for those who are suppose to listen, how they respond.

We were offered a sea of grace, a welcomed soul, a caring ear to hear, and words of wisdom in her response.

Not the sea of grace, where the church hurled our "sins" to be lost forever.  But, a sea of grace that welcomes our truth to be exposed and the abusers to face justice.

Again, an example of justice that leans towards victims.

I will continue to work on this piece of art to show the magnificence in being free empowered by our truth - of how one person can be the change we were waiting for.

 

I wondered about adding words to the beach, the solid ground we sometimes cling to, the comfort in the staying on the safe side of fear.  Or perhaps words cheering on those who dare live their truth out loud.

 

Thank You Judge Aquilina!

Deep inside me, away from my awareness, lay an expectation of my innocence being acknowledge by the Justice System.

In that dark space hummed doubt until I watched and listened to Judge Aquilina kindly listen, with great respect and attention, to the Gymnasts who came forth. And, the part that really opened up space inside of me; was her response.

Kindness.

Compassion.

Empowered belief - that these victims leave their pain there in the court room, and to out and live a magnificent life. 

And, the most important being, that the monster they seen and experienced, was indeed someone that couldn't be in society - free.

When girl upon girl stepped forth and shared her story, she remained open to their pain, letting it come into the courtroom and surround the abuser.

What a great privilege for these girls.

How healing to know, that you are believed by the kind and thoughtful responses Judge Aquilina delivered. 

I can't know how general society sees her; but from the eyes and gut of a past victim of abuse, she is what we all hoped for - deeply.

What you didn't hear from her, is "when you call him a monster, it hurts me." My mother's response.

She didn't ask the girls to forgive and forget him.  

She didn't doubt the perceptions the girls had.

My list could go on and on about what not to say.

I can't imagine being fully welcomed with open wounds.

I learned early on in my father's case, that the justice system had huge flaws.

Flaws that have gone on for years.

Laws and rules and plea bargains, and innocent until proven guilty etc.

And, perhaps in her court room they still go on.

But, I have never experienced her response from folks that I had expected this response from.

Mostly I had been disappointed over and over.

And, the disappointment was that the system was created for the perpetrators and that the victims had very little power.

Again, in her court room, this still could be the case, but for that one day, in this one case, she was able to open her courtroom and let the victims be heard.

Her ears were gentle and, without doubt or recriminations.

Her eyes clearly saw the injustice these girls suffered in the hands of this man and all who enabled him.

And, to me, an outsider miles away and detached from this case, I was set free.

The littlest seed of doubt was erased.

Here she was, a Judge in the Land.  A woman empowered to sentence a pedophile. And, she was talking so kindly to these young women, seeing their power and in some cases handing them their power back. 

She was able to give back to them what the pedophile had taken away.

She gave them their voice and held their truth with them unflinching.

What I know to be true for me, is that my biggest hurdle has been that most have come to the defense of my father...in one shade or another.

I am not talking about the supporters that arrive later in the game; but the way family responded, church and friends.  How those within the circle rallied for the circle.

I do know, at least that Rachael Denhollander was ostracized for her speaking out, it had to be the top of the mountain she had been climbing, to step in front of Judge Aquilina.

What Rachael and Judge Aquilina have shown me, is that it is possible to hope for the highest point.

Even if the University and USA Gymnastics and the Olympics don't get properly sentenced, others now know what they protect.

This case is a pivotal moment in my life.

And, I know that I would have walked differently after the trial of my father, had I been able to share my story with Judge Aquilina.

She has set in place where the justice system needs to start leaning towards. 

The scales of justice needs to find a better balance. 

She makes it possible for courtrooms to be a place where victims will feel empowered when they leave that space.

In my father's case, well he was set free.

And, I as a victim felt zero empowerment by the justice system.  I felt that they too, had become another person who knew and did nothing.

Hope feels my heart, and I love the spacious feelings I have inside.

I too can go out and live my magnificent life.

Thank you Judge Aquilina!

 

 

I listened Rob Bell in a podcast yesterday, speak about the way things change.  

Someone has to be the one to stick their necks out first.  

Somebody has to be the ones to change the patterns, break the cycles and leave what we have always known, agreed with, and accepted behind.

And, we are all on our own journey of awareness.  

Things don't just change automatically, someone has to be willing to do things differently even at the cost of rejection and ridicule. To not do things as we have always done, to step out of the boundaries and dare be different.

If you listen to the podcast below, he will more eloquently speak of how we are all doing the best we can. Some of us, our destiny is to be the front runners and a part of us would die, if we didn't follow our inner knowing.

I am pretty sure I have spoken out, have stood up etc, but I am not so certain I have been humble and patient and in my enthusiasm or desire to inform, have turned people away.

I am very sorry for that.

We are not given a rule book to follow, as we step out beyond where others have trod.

We don't know the correct protocol for being change makers.

Those of us who are victims looking to change the legacy feel the immediacy of what needs to be changed.  In fear, we often want to move things along at a quicker pace.

I am astounded at times, that it has been a long 13 years, and the changes I have seen appear to be so tiny, a bare perceivable movement.

He speaks of letting others know when you see others move.

I will now be looking for that.

This podcast was a great reminder to how change happens and how it does move slow and person by person. Something within them will suddenly see, hear and feel that "something" isn't right.

It is then, that they will start to seek a new way to do old things.

Again, my deepest apologies for offending others. I now know to look for change and to be a brighter change.

 

Rachael Denhollander once again is speaking so eloquently for victims of sexual abuse when she speaks about how churches are one of the worst places to go for help.

Read more in this article.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/first-woman-accuse-nassar-says-203226814.html?soc_src=hl-viewer&soc_trk=fb

In the past few weeks the women of the Gymnastic world have affirmed so many victims of sexual abuse. They have given us credibility and sadly due to the sheer number.

Somehow the world opens their eyes a bit wider when there is more than one.

What has been so supporting to me, is how they are not just focusing on the Perpetrator; but on the environment in which he operated.

Rachael speaking out about her experiences with the church completely affirms my stance over the past 13 years.

It truly is the worst place to go for help.

What they have to offer, actually hurts more; not less.

"Denhollander, an evangelical Christian, saw that Biblical teachings about grace and repentance were being weaponized against victims, pressuring them into offering an easy forgiveness to their abusers. At the same time, churches lacked accountability structures that treated victims with compassion and respect." 

I am not even sure that religious organizations will ever be able to make the changes need to support victims, for it will go against everything they believe in.

"Many churches hold poor interpretations of Scripture that imply the victim is somehow at fault for dressing or acting a certain way ‘immodestly,’ that speaking up about abuse is ‘gossip’ or ‘slander,’ and that forgiveness is moving on without demanding justice for the victims,” Easter told HuffPost. “These stances are a stark contrast from Jesus’ ministry to the marginalized.”

These beliefs will stand in the way of anyone who tries to seek help.  

My experience, is they had nothing of value to impart.  More often words that were hurtful and showed me we were now seeing the world differently.

Again, another veil had been lifted and I could see that which they were blind to.

I wondered, then - What is the role of the church, and what are its values, and IF they can't stand for victims, and their main message supports the abusers, who are they then?

Where is their value?

Again, for the umpteenth time, many want to keep my father and the First Apostolic Lutheran Church quite separate.  They, don't want any of his dirt on them.  Yet, they are the ones who forgave him time and time again. I am sorry, it is on you.

This is another area of magic making. Where there is a sleight of hand. Now you see the pedophile and now you don't.  He has been forgiven.

The forgiveness of sins takes crimes and wipes them away.

Leaving the victim in that awkward spot of still wearing the affects of being abused. And, trying to live in a world where they know there is a pedophile; but can't express it.

What I have been thinking about as these girls come forth and we can see the two strikingly different contrasts between man and pedophile and the organizations who supposedly had stellar reputations, IS the two worlds.

Would that not confuse and bring anxiety?

How can you rest in your own skin, when there are two diabolically opposed worlds going on?

And, we place this "mental" state on the person, NOT on the institution and other folks with two lives.

"Denhollander first went public with her accusations in The Indianapolis Star in September 2016.At the time, she and her husband were attending a church in Louisville, Kentucky. She claimed the church was “directly” involved in supporting a local pastor who had been accused of covering up child sex abuse. When Denhollander spoke up on behalf of survivors, it caused a rift between her and the leaders of her church. She said some elders even used her personal story of sexual abuse as a weapon against her, claiming that the assault had clouded her judgment as an advocate."

It is quite remarkable, society and those who defend the organizations, will place the label mental upon us, instead of the organizations who are acting twisted up.

That we have a disorder, instead of there being a disorder to their organization.

It is much easier to wreck one person's mental state of being, compared to acknowledging that the group is messed up.

Saying I am mental costs most people nothing.

They get to keep their Mom and dad, keep their family, keep their church and their ticket to heaven. Casting me aside is the easiest road possible, and requires nothing of them.

I knew, that I had somehow been made to carry the disorders that were not mine to carry.

And, oddly at the time, I felt the most clear and un-mental that I ever felt.

When family, church and organizations don't own their disorder they try and impose it upon us.

That we are a disorder.

We are disorderly to their order.

That we are the ones who are insane.

This is what I believe is the underlying static that causes us to feel mental.  Not that we are.

I never took up the label. I know that I am seen as mental; but I don't wear it personally.

I know where the disorder lies, and it isn't within me.

Call Me Mental, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZg7-Ex2m5I&feature=youtu.be is a documentary that I was part of.  And, it is true, they do.

But, who really has disorder in its structure and the relationship with itself?

Imagine being a church who believes it has value and moral standards, only to not be able to stand with victims because it will directly oppose its main message?

That would mess with your mind and mission.

Mostly, I am shunned because they are afraid I am right.

 I love this border fabric, for it is patched and different and so messy and artistic. And, I love the center -  with nature, color, and the determined strong woman, doing what she loves.

 

Choose to learn

In the past few days, a whole new view or understanding has occurred to me. It was helped along by this article online.

http://jimmyhinton.org/why-sexual-abuse-goes-unnoticed/

I guess, I really shouldn't say new; but I can see it differently. Or, I can step back and see the overarching dance of pedophiles, a child and the onlooking adults.

It is like there are two completely different realities going on at one time. Depending upon which mind you are looking at it from.

I am not even sure I can articulate the two existing realities in a way you can clearly understand, how sexual abuse appears to be unseen; like a magic act.

Where a father is a dad and a monster at once.

Where a church is a place of God and a cover up for the devil.

Where a child (adult child) who sees both is seen as mental.

Early on, very early on, when we discovered my father was a pedophile; when the veil was dropped, I told family they would have to pick one version of my father and stick with it, otherwise you would go nuts.

I talked about there being two different views.

A father and a monster.

And, my mother's last conversation with me, suggested that we each had two different perceptions of my father.

I am going back and look at perception's definition.

"the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."

That is amazing.

What is your ability to see, hear and become aware? 

How many magicians are in your circle AND are you aware of them?

How many realities are going on that you are not aware of?

What I also know, is that the ability to not see depends upon the beliefs you have or your needs.

I didn't know that the degrees of perception depends upon your ability to see, hear, and become aware, of something with your senses.  

How in tune are you with your senses?

Your reality is only as strong as your senses.

What was so exciting and terrifying to me, was that this article articulates how abuse goes unseen.

That just because I can see, and others can't, that it doesn't mean it is not going on.

The sick magic show continues; with both sides in on the act. 

And the victims being messed up, due to no clarity of truth being lived out.

My father lived two lives.

But, so did my mother.

Caught between both of their pretend worlds, there was no place to be real.

The experiences I lived, what my mind knew, I wasn't allowed to live.

In order to survive, I had to pretend to pretend to pretend I was okay.

Pretending.

Here is what it means.

"speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."

Yes, my life was built upon pretend. 

And, when I stopped pretending, I was no longer able to be part of my family.

The result of living a life of pretend for 46 years, was when the bubble broke, I am no longer able to pretend.  

In fact I seek to be with reality.

Always.

My lack of pretending, is seen as unkind, unloving, even abusive.

I know the cost of pretending. Many little girls followed me; while we all pretended to be a family.

Who truly needs you to pretend?

To me, the only ones who need you to pretend are the ones pretending a reality that has no ground of truth.

Truth needs nothing.

Truth stands alone.

What is so tragic to me, is that so many children are abused and unseen because of the unreal realities that others need to be held up.

Wounded children are overseen for a heaven someday, a marriage, a husband, a dream.

In the latest sexual abuse case with Gymnastics, the University needed its reputation. The USA Gymnastics and Olympics, their wins and gold rings. They all overlooked and looked around the accusations of the 'good' doctor.  They all pretended to pretend it wasn't so.

The women (girls) truths were not allowed in.

The truth would 'wreck' their pretend worlds.

Powerful pretend worlds up against the young girls.

I LOVE that they have banded together, to break down the pretend worlds and to show the world who they are and just what happened.

Breaking their silence ends the pretend worlds within those organizations.

It is brilliantly tragic to see this played out on a large stage.

Empowered women who stand by their truths are changing lives; bringing reality overflowing with truths that are so hard to see, hear and become aware of.

They are igniting their ability to be with their senses; no long denying their body, truths and experiences.  

They are exposing how abuse works. 

Larry Nassar didn't act alone.  He had a stage full of supporting actors. They are teaching us all- if we choose to learn.