In the past few days, a whole new view or understanding has occurred to me. It was helped along by this article online.
http://jimmyhinton.org/why-sexual-abuse-goes-unnoticed/
I guess, I really shouldn't say new; but I can see it differently. Or, I can step back and see the overarching dance of pedophiles, a child and the onlooking adults.
It is like there are two completely different realities going on at one time. Depending upon which mind you are looking at it from.
I am not even sure I can articulate the two existing realities in a way you can clearly understand, how sexual abuse appears to be unseen; like a magic act.
Where a father is a dad and a monster at once.
Where a church is a place of God and a cover up for the devil.
Where a child (adult child) who sees both is seen as mental.
Early on, very early on, when we discovered my father was a pedophile; when the veil was dropped, I told family they would have to pick one version of my father and stick with it, otherwise you would go nuts.
I talked about there being two different views.
A father and a monster.
And, my mother's last conversation with me, suggested that we each had two different perceptions of my father.
I am going back and look at perception's definition.
"the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."
That is amazing.
What is your ability to see, hear and become aware?
How many magicians are in your circle AND are you aware of them?
How many realities are going on that you are not aware of?
What I also know, is that the ability to not see depends upon the beliefs you have or your needs.
I didn't know that the degrees of perception depends upon your ability to see, hear, and become aware, of something with your senses.
How in tune are you with your senses?
Your reality is only as strong as your senses.
What was so exciting and terrifying to me, was that this article articulates how abuse goes unseen.
That just because I can see, and others can't, that it doesn't mean it is not going on.
The sick magic show continues; with both sides in on the act.
And the victims being messed up, due to no clarity of truth being lived out.
My father lived two lives.
But, so did my mother.
Caught between both of their pretend worlds, there was no place to be real.
The experiences I lived, what my mind knew, I wasn't allowed to live.
In order to survive, I had to pretend to pretend to pretend I was okay.
Pretending.
Here is what it means.
"speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."
Yes, my life was built upon pretend.
And, when I stopped pretending, I was no longer able to be part of my family.
The result of living a life of pretend for 46 years, was when the bubble broke, I am no longer able to pretend.
In fact I seek to be with reality.
Always.
My lack of pretending, is seen as unkind, unloving, even abusive.
I know the cost of pretending. Many little girls followed me; while we all pretended to be a family.
Who truly needs you to pretend?
To me, the only ones who need you to pretend are the ones pretending a reality that has no ground of truth.
Truth needs nothing.
Truth stands alone.
What is so tragic to me, is that so many children are abused and unseen because of the unreal realities that others need to be held up.
Wounded children are overseen for a heaven someday, a marriage, a husband, a dream.
In the latest sexual abuse case with Gymnastics, the University needed its reputation. The USA Gymnastics and Olympics, their wins and gold rings. They all overlooked and looked around the accusations of the 'good' doctor. They all pretended to pretend it wasn't so.
The women (girls) truths were not allowed in.
The truth would 'wreck' their pretend worlds.
Powerful pretend worlds up against the young girls.
I LOVE that they have banded together, to break down the pretend worlds and to show the world who they are and just what happened.
Breaking their silence ends the pretend worlds within those organizations.
It is brilliantly tragic to see this played out on a large stage.
Empowered women who stand by their truths are changing lives; bringing reality overflowing with truths that are so hard to see, hear and become aware of.
They are igniting their ability to be with their senses; no long denying their body, truths and experiences.
They are exposing how abuse works.
Larry Nassar didn't act alone. He had a stage full of supporting actors. They are teaching us all- if we choose to learn.
