Tomorrow is the 10th Anniversary of this Blog. It is amazing that I have been coming here to discover more about me. It has been a place to sort out my confused mind and leave more aware.
I am proud of its content, and the author.
I have touched on touchy subjects, shined light into dark places and spoke from my heart - often displaying brilliantly tragic emotions and self-discoveries.
It's the journey of leaving a family of abuse, a cult-like religion and learning how to be empowered, free and self-loving; learning how to be imperfectly Me!
Often the blank sheet of paper, a keyboard and Me, worked to find answers I couldn't see. It was a place for me to sort out my confused mind and to honor my feelings.
I always left better after publishing.
I would never have suspected that I would be coming here for 10 years, and that I would still be finding things to blog about.
Life moves on.
Changes come.
We grow.
Our awareness expands the more willing we are to see.
To see all things, most importantly the hard things.
The ones we would rather leave untouched, for we know it will cost us something. That we will be expected to change our perceptions of ourselves or the world around us.
I am grateful for the opportunity I gave myself to explore my world and who I am.
In the early days of journaling, I wondered how would I accept me; when so many rejected me and my truths. And, maybe because they didn't accept me, I had to be the change I wanted to see - first.
I had to love and accept the darker parts of who I was.
When I loved myself more, automatically I began making boundaries.
Many people over the years marvel at my ability to be outside of my family, like I have a choice.
The choice was to stand by Me or to leave me behind.
It wasn't really about family - they were the residual cost.
A brother walked with me for many years, 8 or so. And, then he turned around and went back to family.
He silenced his life from me, so I can't know why.
It is very odd to see him once again standing in family photographs.
Being part of their worlds.
I often wonder about his soul.
He and I began blogging on the same day.
We spent millions of hours speaking about the effects of abuse and how upside down our childhoods left us. I can't imagine how his mind brought him to where he once belonged.
His blog has been mostly silent since he went back.
What I know for sure, sitting here 10 years later is that our minds developed in abuse and steeped in a cult like religion, are not our friends. They were created to serve needs that don't mutually serve us.
In order to be healthy and self loving, I had to most often do the opposite of what the mind believed.
The greatest divide between myself and my family is how we dance with our minds; how we challenge and/or believe our thoughts.
In my last text conversation with my brother, I suggested that the only thing that changed between us was our perceptions. We see ourselves, the world and our families differently.
I know that I have changed, when my perception of who my father was changed. Like a domino affect, little by little I saw life completely differently. And, when you see differently you act differently.
The cost of living in denial was too much - it is my intention to stay aware.
And, hopefully I will know when I turn and leave myself behind. I will feel the loss of Me.
As a child, I don't believe I had a big enough sense of self; before she was stolen away by outside needs. I left me to be a good religious girl, a servant daughter etc. Now, that I have her back, I am unwilling to easily shrug her off.
I'm perfect and it is impossible not to be.
When I tried to be perfect, I lost me. Being imperfect fit me like a glove and embraced all of me - leaving nothing behind.
10 plus years of being imperfectly perfect!
Hearing the little footsteps behind me has kept me striving for authenticity.
The more I can love myself just as I am, the more my children and granddaughter will see a role model to look up to.
My greatest achievements in this lifetime, has been to end the cycle of abuse in Me.
At my core is self -love and worthiness.
The more I value me, the more value I can see in others, OR their lack of self-worth.
Giving my child and grandchild the gift of feeling worthy just as they are, is beyond what my heart can hold
There is nothing they have to do to earn my love; but be themselves.
This blog is ultimately how to find love of Self after abuse and to begin a new cycle of LOVE.
