This thought came to me today.
"We people please to be liked, loved etc - because we don't know who we are and if we even really like ourselves."
For me, this is true.
Before I really knew myself - I needed others to define me...and kindly.
I needed others to be the love I didn't have for myself. I had to people please, for I needed them to color me nicely.
There was no part of me, literally, that was formed by me.
I was drawn by how the outside world saw me. They held my identity.
To be without an inner anchor is okay, as long as you stay in the good graces of the people who color you.
However, once you step out of line, ugly lines are drawn upon your character.
It is hard to go back and see me - in denial of myself.
To see the empty lump of darkness where I lived.
When I awoke to find the truths I lived without, I also found Me.
Perhaps buried beneath years of behaviors, habits and co-dependent relationships, but I was there.
I had no clue how to be Me.
Alone.
Against the voices I now disagreed with.
I could no longer please them and define me, in ways that I respected.
Outside of denial there were two roads, two choices, and only one to choose.
To love me or be drawn by them.
As I look upon the 13 year separation from my family it often boggles my mind.
And yet, it doesn't.
I have grown stronger during this time.
The art of defining me is more filled in, more complete and fully present.
Just as my art has evolved, so have I.
Details are added, fine tuned and adjusted.
My clarity gets clearer, my voice stronger, my peace deeper.
I have drawn a woman that I love, honor and respect.
Her actions I am proud of.
She doesn't need others to fill in the blank spaces or shore up the sagging lines.
I like and love this woman who is only 13 years old.
The decisions she has had to make in order to become her - leave me breathless at times and in tears.
The becoming of her, gave me many losses. My voice often rang in truths that others couldn't bear to hear. Silences, and anger came my way.
And, yet I stood - as Me - unwavering.
I wasn't able to go back to the lump of denial.
My Lady Quilts on display at the Gala that honored Me.
I had a brother for most of the years that shaped me into who I am today. I thought recently, of how he kept me walking my truth. I was laying a path for him to follow.
How to be You.
How to love you.
How to like you.
How to become the you we didn't have the chance to be before abuse messed with our young lives and sense of self, the outer world and family and love, and awareness...
How to find a way to thrive and be whole and undivided inside.
How to let go of the fear of not being like, loved or accepted.
How to parent ourselves into being who we were born to be.
This brother was here for two weeks and we were silent to each other.
What would I say or could say, now?
I have almost three years of words to share, of growth, defining moments, places where I learned to love deeper, see broader, and becoming fuller.
His leaving me alone helped me grow more defined.
I heard recently on a podcast about having someone witness your life.
How family members keep your image through all the stages of your life.
It is this witnessing that allows you to feel the continuity of self.
My brother was my witness on so many levels. My brokenness and my struggle to redefine me and then now a vacuum of silence - blocked.
He helped me by being a witness of my past and allowing me to become a new Me.
I am not sure for sure why we no longer walk together witnessing each other's lives. The closure was never that clear. Perhaps our witnessing days for each other came to the natural end that was destined.
I can stand strong and empowered outside of the family because I am whole. A person whose legacy I am proud to hand down to the generations below me.
I am not saying to follow my path and become Me.
I am saying follow the path to be You.
Free of the good opinions of others.
So in love with who you are, you can afford to make the world angry -
I don't need you to like Me.
I like Me.
