I have heard this twice now on two separate podcasts, "You can't be yourself, until you really know who you are."
Knowing who you are not, is helpful, but until you know who you truly are, you simply can't be yourself.
You can be the self, you were raised to be.
Or, the survival self.
A part of a whole that you were born into.
It took my life falling apart to understand, I had no clue who I was.
I didn't know the world or the meanings behind many things - let alone who I was.
The best thing that happened to me, was for my whole world to be tipped upside down and to be left standing there, empty.
A container of nothing.
It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
I had the rare opportunity for a do over in creating Me.
This time, I vowed to be present and to have the only vote.
I was no longer interested in building a self by being part of something else.
My self was going to be detached from outside validation.
The only person who had to love me, and accept me, was Me.
Since my old self was created while I was asleep in denial.
I allowed my self to grow from how others saw me.
How a religion needed me to be.
My old self was extremely co-dependent.
I don't feel that I was consciously aware of how I became that woman.
My old self didn't roll over and die, she fought to stay alive and pertinent in my life.
She flowed fear.
And, sang guilty phrases.
But, she didn't excite my soul or feel comfortable.
Her fear and terror stalked me as I made new choices.
She haunted my new single status.
I unplugged everything that had a part in her old image.
And, stood alone.
Deflated and without a self.
I no longer wanted to be part of that old self and her world, but I had yet to create a self.
It was an odd place to stand.
My old life would have welcomed me back AS Her.
But, not as my new self.
As I look back at my old self, I can only know her by the things she was co-dependently part of.
I am not sure how to articulate how this is.
How you could see her by the groups she was part of and what she contributed.
Not herself; but what she could do for that tribe.
In fact, I quit giving anything, in order to see Me.
To see me without the acknowledgement of others, left me looking at space.
I am not even certain, anyone can understand this, but my whole self was made up by the actions of doing, giving and being for Others.
I rarely IF ever, said no.
Or, purposefully disappointed anyone.
I was built by my people pleasing ways.
When you took those all away, my old self disappeared.
There wasn't a self in her place or behind the codependency.
Behind the opinions of others.
The opinions of others created me.
A good daughter, a nice sister, a member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.
I am not even sure most will realize how much of themselves are held up by others.
If you don't dare disappoint someone, they are carrying your image.
When you feel locked into a space or relationship, they are holding part of you.
To unplugged and disconnect, no matter who it was, was very liberating and extremely terrifying.
I knew, but didn't know, that by saying no or doing something different, our relationship would change.
The relationships that fell, were built upon codependency.
Otherwise, me transforming into a new empowered self, would not have mattered.
Oddly, when I unplugged from them, I plugged into me.
All that I had tried giving away in order to receive, was now a direct flow into me.
The sayings, "you can't give what you don't have," or "you can only love others as much as you love yourself", is completely true.
As I filled my inside with me, with things I loved, or set values and what I would or would not stand for, I filled up with good energy for the lack of a better word.
I valued me, I loved me and I believed in me, and I empowered me to make choices that were different. And, in doing so, I could be me, because I knew who I was.
I didn't need others to prop me up or organizations to make me look better, or a religion to give me moral value, etc.
I was there standing alone, and yet full to the brim and overflowing with Me.
Being able to know who I am, and to be Me, and to live a life untethered, is quite remarkable.
A free spirit, is when you can be yourself unabashedly.
Not everyone cheered me on or liked my new Me, but I am okay with them.
I know, where they stand, for I lived there too, for 46 years.
Back then, I would not have dared to leave the path of least resistance.
Now, I am quite used to walking alone.
A unique self.
