The clearness of the Lake Superior; offers no surprises. We can see clear through, and know its bottom and the lack of weeds. We know what lays beneath - for we can see it.

This clarity gives us confidence; not in ourselves so much, but in the outside. We can rely on its purity and lack of surprises. 

On this Lake, you do have to watch for changing conditions, for it can quickly go from flat to choppy.  

But, even when you capsize, you will be in clear water. The 'danger' seems less ominous.

When kayaking on smaller inland lakes, and near streams, the water itself is dark and murky and you can see evidence of the weeds and mud. This alone will stop many from kayaking in these waters.  Just the slim possibility of having to touch and enter into the unknown.

This was me.

I would have made my choice based on the worst case scenario.

It would have stopped me from going.

The minuscule chance, was proof that IT COULD HAPPEN, and maybe even would happen to me, IF I dared paddle over murky waters.

So, I said no.

 

What I have come to figure out over the past many years, is that by facing my darkest places within me, (the affects of abuse,) I am braver in other areas.

Or maybe, I am more confident in me.  

Or maybe still, less likely to base my decisions on the worst case scenario.

And perhaps more, recognizing the slim possibility doesn't mean it will happen.

 

I have been able to live differently having faced my worst fears.

Even lived my worst fears ever.

The reality of abuse.

And, the cost of accepting it - the loss of family.

 

What accepting abuse does is give you back your own sense of self esteem and confidence in you. It returns your power.

Often I have read that we are afraid, when our worst fears have already happened. 

However, if you don't go in and explore the worst fears that already happened, it leaves you afraid.

This may not make sense, but until you actually go and dive deeply into the facts of your abuse, and sit with the unexpressed emotions, you are left acting like it didn't happen. 

Yet afraid.

You haven't lived the fears through expressing them. 

You are afraid of what has already happened, but acting like you fear what will happen.

Crazy making for sure.

 

And, without digging deeply, you are left with low self awareness and confidence and will be afraid.

You have zero confidence in yourself to either keep your kayak afloat or to survive weeds and the unknown.  The worst case possibilities blocks out any other outcome.

 

Like floating into neat little coves and seeing the water flowers.

Of paddling and feeling muscles growing.

Of being with friends making new memories.

 

When I was out on the water this past week, it came to me that the murky bottom isn't where my focus went. I wasn't worried out there. I was totally enjoying the paddle. When we went over the weeds, I did acknowledge, I would not like to walk or swim in them. But, they held but 1% of my attention. The other 99% was fully aware of all the sights we saw along the way.

The eagle, blue heron, clouds, waves, etc.

There is a flip once you accept.  You are then able to give your whole attention to the rest of the world, instead to the one percent.

Which is the worst case scenario - 1% or less of it happening.

A once in a million. 

You instead get to experience the balance of the million wonderful views and experiences.

Being fearless doesn't mean you don't know fear. It actually means you know it, respect it, have felt its terrifying emotions, and have understood how we give it the most power.

When you come face to face with your worst fears and feel it all, you are then able to make choices holding fears hand.

The worst case scenario is there, but so is the balance of the rest.  

You hold the whole spectrum of fear.

I learned deep fear, when I went to see my mother for the first time after learning about my father's abuse. What I feared most, was that she would be unable to see me. To hear my words, and would instead defend my father.

My worst fear happened.  She only saw her own needs and my father.

And, I lived.

I survived.

I had to get up and walk away from my mother.

I did.

Feel this! Is what I said often.  Not wanting to miss a fraction of how abuse feels. How betrayal, neglect, and being in relationships that are one sided. Feel the fear of being alone. And, feel the strength that grows each time you do.

Feel the power of a mind who lives in denial. Feel their blindness. And, not allow it to define you.  Stand up bolder and brighter to be seen by you.

For, I know denial.

I lived there too.

I get it.

I want to live the rest of my life seeing life in all its multifaceted brilliance.

The bright blue skies and fluffy clouds over the dark murkiness.

The positive and the negative.

Life in complete balance is allowing them all to exist in your world.