IMPERFECT Lady

I Believe Her

This past week, I listened and watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford speak.  I admire the courage it took to speak.  As she said, she was the one lone voice against many.

I was surprised by my response to her speaking.

It brought back my own memories of speaking against the common view.

I then watched a Facebook video of Martha Beck, where she spoke about "Sanctuary Trauma".  Where you are speaking about your trauma and you are doubted and made to feel shame and even thought a liar.

This is where I connected to Dr Ford.

I could feel the terrifying place she stood, speaking her truth, and having to deal with many who would doubt her story.

I am not sure I can once again articulate what this feels like.

To say words that others don't want to hear. And, instead of feeling their own disappointment, make you feel less for speaking it.

The trauma of sexual abuse changes who you are and then, when you are brave enough to speak of it, we are then made to feel less than for doing so. Not brave, but they have other words for us.  Other feelings. You are not embraced and cared for, you are made to feel shame for speaking out.

It is to show your deepest wound and they barely cast a sideways glance and move on as if it isn't even there.

I love that Martha Beck too was triggered and unable to watch much of it. For it shows I am not the mental one.

I love that I now have a term to use and understand what this feeling is. 

Sanctuary Trauma. 

Instead of the sanctuary of understanding, our sanctuary place is one of trauma.

The worst part of being abused by a family member, is that the family then turns on you for speaking out.

In the beginning, I was hollered at, and ridiculed when sharing my truth. Sanctuary Trauma.

I felt like a scared rabbit and recall not knowing who was friend or foe.

I was being traumatized for speaking out.

Unless and until, you have the courage to speak out of your own sexual abuse, naming the perpetrator, and doing so with those who like/love him, will you understand this.

The volume of doubt and anger that is directed at you is mind blowing.

We did nothing to warrant this anger, we are merely the messengers, sharing another view of those you like/love.

We did not do the crime.

We are reporting the crime and are victims of the person you like/love.

And, we then are traumatized by you, because you can't bear the truth.

Here that.

You traumatize the messenger for giving you a truth you can't bear to hear.

It will not change the truth.

Just as the judge will not become a gentleman, anymore than my perpetrator return to being just a kind dad.

And, beating me up with words, doubts and coldness will not make it so.

The Sanctuary Trauma is why I felt so jittery for her and it brought me back to my early days.

She was in the midst of sanctuary trauma as we all watched.

To speak up knowing you will be doubted, shamed and made to feel a liar IS why so few sexual assault victims come forth.  It is the fear and knowing of sanctuary trauma we don't want to endure.

To be re-victimized for sharing our original assault.

We blame the victim for the words she is sharing about someone we like/love.

Instead of looking at our own disappointment, feeling the relationship shatter, it is much easier to cast us aside as liars.

Looking at the arena that Dr. Ford is in, she is having volumes of people NOT want their person be wrong and they themselves be lacking, it is much easier to poke holes in her story than to see the wrong in themselves.

Who wants to be wrong?

Who is brave enough to admit it?

They would rather traumatize a woman they don't know or like as much, to keep their own version of the truth. To keep their agenda going in the direction that makes them most comfortable.

What I learned the most with my own sanctuary trauma is that very few want to embrace the truth. Most want their version of life to continue on, minus the truth of what is.

And, I know now, the words said to me, were words they really meant for themselves.

I thank her for showing humanity what courage is, and that no matter how you articulate the words, if they are words they don't want to hear, they will turn on you.

Victims know this.

This is the huge wall we are asked to climb, while being hit from all sides for speaking out.

Most, will not offer a word against the smallest of things.  Fear disagreement.

Won't even utter a word against the majority on small things.

Sanctuary trauma is perhaps the toughest arena to be in.

You are knowingly speaking out against their opinion of someone that is important to them. You are casting the shadow upon their otherwise good character.

But really?

Is it possible to be a good man and an abuser?

In 14 years, I have never been able to find the common denominator between father and pedophile. 

Is it possible to have a good supreme court judge who assaults women???

It just doesn't go together.

I believe her.

Because I know the cost for her speaking up. It is a personal cost. A very vulnerable cost. 

I believe her.

 

 

 

 

Flow Aimlessly

If you broke your life down into categories, what would they be? 

Sheri Salata spoke about the Pillars of her life. The categories of how she wants to live her life. What the important things were and then how to make sure she is serving them.

Her categories included, happiness, spirituality, adventure, creativity etc.

It has me looking at my life differently.

Instead of one big lump, there really are segments to our life. Things I plan on doing and then, a bunch of space that idles along without direction. I am going to try and incorporate her pillar idea into my life.

I have already carved out space for doing Art and moving outdoors. I listen to inspiring podcasts and books while I traverse my mail route.  But, there are moments that are undirected.

When I look upon my life and how I envision it being, there are many places that I fail to work on.

If I sorted out my life in increments, I would see where I spend my time and why and then the places that are pretty neglected and not part of my life.

A whole life to me, would include - (a rough draft)

Mindfulness/yoga

New adventures 

Creativity 

Movement outdoors 

Writing 

Healthy eating 

Women groups 

Relationships

Friendships

Learning - teaching

 

As I look upon these categories, there are a few that I am pretty consistent in and then some that could use much more of my focus.

I don't think we plan with intent our days and lives. We seldom see what we are doing and how it fits into the life we want.  

How many stressful things do we do, that perhaps we can let go of?

How many more fun things can we incorporate into our days?

What places will help us grow and learn and expand?

As I walk through my day, I will have to see if what I am doing and what I am wanting to be, match.

Am I being who I want to be or am I just idling along and letting my life flow aimlessly?

Speak the words of your truth.

When I see a victim of sexual abuse break their silence, I see a person who is breaking down the wall of disempowerment. I see them as taking back their life, and saying I will not be complacent in your crime.

I see a woman (man) who is now willing to own their truth, no matter how popular it is with those around them. 

I see them as someone who is willing to add their truth to reality and let it change.

I see someone who knows they will not be believed and speak anyway.

I see them disrobing the 'good facade' and displaying the monster she was traumatized by.

I see them as beginning a chapter in their lives that will redefine them.

One that will build upon the courage it took to speak.

 

What I want them to know, is that there will be doubters, but never doubt yourself, your body and mind.  You standing by your truth will create a world that is beyond what your mind can visualize.

There will be those who distance themselves from you and it is okay.

Those who do, want to remain in a reality where your truth is not honored.

Becoming a whole you, with your truth, will draw to you, new strong, empowered women.

You are not only changing yourself, but you will change the legacy of you.

Speaking of abuse, setting boundaries, are all part of a new life skill set you are learning.

It is scary and thrilling at the same time.

The frightened child within you is cheering you on and the new empowered woman is being born.

 

For those who can't see the shackles falling off of you and the freedom of speaking out loud against the crimes done to you, as being a beautiful thing, are not worthy of your time or consideration.

Everyone will have an opinion, based upon the bravery of their own lives.

Those who fear change and the truth will not seek to believe you.

 

Each time a victim dares to beat on the wall of disempowerment to break it down, allows another to dare. 

It isn't the ones who clamor to defend your abuser you need to listen to; but the cheers of those who believe you.

 

Our voices may start out shaky and weak, but once we taste the freedom of the truth and feel empowered, we feel the new strong woman being born.

 

It is easy in this life to be a victim, to play it small. To live in the smallest darkest part of your mind.

It is much harder to come out and show your wounds to the world.

To stand besides your broken self and make choices to become a new self-loving empowered self.

 

I honor you. 

Your words and your bravery to speak up.

Knowing full and well, the consequences of your choice.

You most often than not, will lose the life you have and enter into a new reality.

One where your abuser is no longer the person the world thinks them to be.

And, you, the one who breaks this truth, will be judged and tried by many among you.

It will be you, who is shown in the brightest of lights, and the monster stays silent in the dark.

He will not collaborate you truth, until it serves him.

 

Those who are wondering why we don't speak up earlier, to share our truth of sexual crimes against us, are the same ones often defending the abuser.

We know, that our truths will not be celebrated, let alone often believed.

We will be colored with the truth of the crimes against us.

We will be seen as the ones who wrecked a reputation, a family, a coach, a teacher etc.

We are not seen as heroes.

 

And, yet we are.

We are breaking our silence knowing we will be the ones made to feel the blame and shame for doing so.

I know our society is so maladjusted to reality, because this is so.

 

How is it possible that it takes hundreds of thousands of victims of sexual assault for the Catholic church to even begin to talk about it?

How is it possible that a University and Gymnastic Association allow volumes of little girls to be abused?  And, even when it comes to light, it doesn't stand by the girls and grown woman?

 

Seeing all of this, it is no wonder victims of child abuse remain silent.

It isn't why we didn't tell, but why would we?

What is the cost of breaking the silence.

Our worlds change, but more often than not, the rest stays the same.

Institutions and reputations of so many are defended and life goes on unchanged.

Why then do we speak.

We speak because we can no longer live with the lie inside of us.

The lie that we were not abused.

We were.

And, the cost of this silence has been to kill our true self.

 

We speak to become whole and truthful and to embrace the reality of the crimes committed against us.

More often than not, we know that the rest of the world will not change, that he will be prosecuted by the laws of the land.  We change because we need to embrace our truth and to stand with our wounded child.

We cannot be a whole person while living a lie.

I applaud the power it takes to speak up, no matter when it happens.

Speak the words of your truth!

S

 

 

Breakers to Bridge

It was a gorgeous sight that greeted us at the Houghton Breakwaters - the starting point of my latest challenge.

The Breakers to the Bridge - Paddle Festival 2018.

Julia's photo

Here are the three of us at the starting line!

We all travel over the same water and faced the same wind, but we were all in different boats or canoes, and we came with different body size, age and strength.

The sleekest boats being paddled by hardcore paddlers, disappeared around the bend and that was the last we saw of them until the finish line.

The sweep time to be at Hancock Beach was 3pm. That was our goal.

Judy's photo

And, we arrived just minutes before 1pm.  As the young guy who was helping out at this rest spot said, "You crushed it".  We did crush it.  We had paddled 7 miles into the headwinds and over rolling waters in just under 3 hours! 

I had said, "If I can make the beach, I am going for the bridge!" 

And, so we set out to complete our challenge.

The winds and waves became comical. I just couldn't believe we were going into such a force, a relentless never-ending blow!

I failed to capture the rolling lake.  It appears to be gentle waves and no wind.

We had to struggle to keep moving forward, hard strong strokes into the waves.

The bridge did come into view and it seemed to take a long time to actually reach the counting down clock.

My time was 3 hours, 57 minutes and 37 seconds...I may have the seconds off.  But, I arrived under 4 hours!  

I was near the bridge, I had made it. I was a finisher of the Breakers to Bridge!

We then still had to paddle down the canal to the finish line where we left our vehicles.

By then, I was done and done.  

But the wind wasn't done and the waters continued to churn, tossing us about as we paddled on.

 

What a welcome sight to see "Finish"! I was ready to be done.  

When you are paddling into strong winds, you can't just stop and rest. For over four hours we had paddled strong!

I felt the accomplishment. The goal was reached. I had done it!

There is no feeling like completing a challenge you set for yourself!

We made it!  It was a gorgeous day to put your muscles to the test and we did it.

I believe we rocked our age group!

This is a challenge I would do again.  In hopefully better winds.  It would be a gorgeous paddle, with the prevailing winds. 

My kayak did an awesome job in the wind and waves.

I am proud of all of us who paddled the 10 plus miles!

 

When you set yourself up for a challenge, it creates a growing point. A place where you are going to see just what you can do. What you can endure or how hard you can push.

In doing a challenge, you add to who you are.

You feel stronger and more confident to have "Finisher" added to your accomplishments.

It is also fun to do this as an 'older' lady. To be set with the younger ones and find out we can keep up.

In fact, we were not the last ones to finish. There were others behind us! And, a few who opted out at Hancock Beach.

It just feels good to know there are untapped limits to reach towards.

Life becomes interesting, the more challenges you give yourself!

Feeling like a badass finisher!

 

Going with the flow was an experience, not just words as we paddle on the Sturgeon River yesterday.

We decide to paddle up the river, trying to make it up to the dam near Otter Lake.

But, I hadn't understood what it means to go against the current, until you are in a kayak paddling upstream.It means you have to paddle very hard to get anywhere, and if you stop, you lose the ground you just covered.

Or, you have to go on shore, and get out of the flow of the current. We did this a few times, just to catch our breath and give our arms a break.

After a few hours, we stopped for a break. It was quite clear we would not be reaching the top, unless we had a full day to do it.

So, we went up a bit further hoping for the narrower river, with less of a current, and a an easier paddle.

It was when we stopped fighting the current, took our paddles out of the water and let the river take us with her, that we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Going with the flow, felt incredibly peaceful.

The ease had me feeling giddy.

We all relaxed, and were able to catch a few photographs.

We chatted, dipped our paddles, kicked back and enjoyed the float back to the bridge.

What took us three hours, was now covered in one hour.

An hour of steering the kayak, and a few gentle strokes here and there.

There wan't a huge effort required.

You could literally enjoy the scenery and feel at one with nature, instead of the struggle.

Immediately, I understood the phrase, "going with the flow".  

Or, even accepting what is.

It truly is an easier route to take.

There are many things in life, in the current of life, that are hard to accept or go with.  However, I am pretty sure it is like a river. Going against the current moment, is harder than going with it.

To accept and embrace what is.

Feel the beat of this moment and time and not try and fight it.  

After paddling like mad for 3 hours, to release the kayak into the current was so freeing.

We felt it down to our cells.

Joy replaced the focused effort.

 It was a great day.  I loved the exercise and how it felt to exert my muscles and even the accomplishment of paddling 7.3 miles.

And, I loved the life lesson it taught!

There are two ways to go through life, with the current or against it.

 

 

 

 

This is my church

"Churches are just buildings and organizations full of flawed people."  comment on Facebook.

 

That comment is the typical conclusion of a discussion when sexual abuse comes up in a religious organization. They toss aside the beliefs and water it down to a building and flawed folks.

No religion here.

No belief here to discuss or debate.

The folks are flawed, and are no reflection of this religion. 

Where did God and Jesus go?

How is it possible that a religion can just be a building and a bunch of flawed people?

 

Is this a way to deflect the direct attack on the religion they love, by removing the religion and just showing the building and its flawed people.

Yet, can you have a religion without the people?

Who invented religion?

Who we all be without religion?

 

Religion - I had to go and look up the definition."the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods."  -

"a particular system of faith and worship."

"the service and worship of God or the supernatural." commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance." 

"a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices."

 

Nowhere did it mention just a building with flawed folks.

The buildings contain folks who follow the institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs and practices.

They think alike.

Believe alike.

Within a particular system of faith and worship.

 

When wars can start because of religion, there is much more to it, than flawed people.

 

Religious people, those who worship the same in a systemic way, are understandably shaken, when one of their own sexually abuse children.

I get it.

There are many good people who are religiously following the attitudes, beliefs and practices of their religion.  And, it has to shake them to the core to find out that not all in their group believe the same.

I know that there is much comfort to be part of a group of people who think and believe the same. Who have the same morals and values and sins.

It gives you a sense of control about the universe and living...and, even dying.

The forgiveness of sins can turn your world right.

I get it. I believed it too. Innocently and faithfully, until I experienced the flaw IN the religion.

Most, will not ever accept their religion is flawed.

I also get that.

We were taught to believe the rightness of each of our religions we were raised in. Many have stayed in the same religion. Those who leave, often struggle with this decision for years. We feel less than, when we are no longer part of the group. We are less than a good christian, when we no longer believe like the group.

I left abruptly, but like I said, I had been wondering how to leave.  Wondering how my mother would take it, and the friends I had inside. How to then live without a religion.

I didn't miss the building.

It was never about the building.

Nor, would I have called the religion - flawed people.

I seriously believed, when I believed, that we were on the right path to God and dying saved.

It wasn't until I could step back and see how the religion had dealt with pedophiles and victims of sexual abuse, did I see the flawed religion.

The flawed leaders.

And followers.

How their very belief, enabled and allowed sexual abuse to flourish for years and continues to do so.  

Is it possible that the religions are flawed?

Most will not be able to bring this thought in.  I fully understand and empathize.

It would shatter your whole world to know this.

The once untouchable, pure religion is now in danger of being less than. And, that thought alone is not one anyone is willing to entertain.

It is much better to define, their religion as just a building and organization of flawed folks.

That way, the pristine image of their religion remains untouched.

It leaves the church and its people behind.

Separate.

 

What would religion be, without the building and folks?

Could it survive without people?

Is that why the people don't want to leave it behind, to take a break and walk away?

Where is religion located?

Would God be okay without religion?

Would we?

 

In my experience, when I left my church, I was okay.

God and I began a new relationship.

A spiritual one.

Without a middleman.

 

This is my church

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unsafe for children to attend!

If we were to be completely honest and truthful, when sexual abuse scandal happens, are we not more shocked at where it happened, than to whom it happened to?  Are we not more blown back by the place and circle, than to the victim themselves?

I see it as being two wounds.

One to the victim and child, whose life will be forever changed. Whose love and trust and innocence is destroyed. The vastness of effects from being abused will follow them into each and every relationship they enter. The composite of who they were born to be has been severely altered.  A wound that will be part of them for the rest of their lives. A survival self will now be who they are. 

A victim's life will not be able to remove or eliminate the abuse, instead it will be incorporated into a life.

The victim can't make herself back into what she was prior.  Just as I doubt any institution or family can.  You simply can't pretend to pretend it isn't part of your whole.

Regardless of your holy state, your loving state, your trusting state, once sexual abuse happens, it is no longer in that condition. 

You have to now include, that said place is unsafe for children.

It is a fact.

Evidence shows this to be true.

 

The second wounding happens to the church, family, or institution.

This wound is typically, the first and only wound that people focus on.

They want their church to be restored to its pristine nature.

In my experience, the first defense is upon the wounding of the group identity.

A church will be defended, loudly, and by many.

A family, will defend itself by ridiculing the victim who speaks out.

If you can at least see the two separate wounds and see where the focus goes, you will then see how a victim is left to fend for himself.

We are left in the ringing silence while you all shore up the cancerous hole left by the abuser who abused us.

You are not paying attention to the child, adult child who was hurt.

It isn't your intent.

You are in shock and of the two wounds, you go to the one you know best.  The one you feel most connected to.  The one where you find your salvation, and love.

I get it.

I do understand.

But, I also understand where it leaves the victim.

As you try and explain the whole, as pure and holy, you are blatantly ignoring our truths.

We are telling you that the whole is abusive.

Certainly, among the whole there is good. 

And, it is the good, that fails to see us.

For it is working to keep the faith.

 

In the one two punch, the first being we have been betrayed and abused by family/church, we then see you supporting it, defending its wholeness...a second hit to our hearts.

When good people do nothing, evil flourishes.

Yet, it isn't nothing they do, it is which blow they attend to.

 

Again, I am with you.  I understand. I was the biggest supporter of my family and for my earlier years, the church.  I had begun to have doubts with the church, and there were parts of me that was struggling with my family too. And, then abuse was exposed. 

While it was a horrible shock, it was a relief too.

It validated who I was.

I was a victim.

I had signs and signatures of being a child of sexual abuse.

I didn't rush to defend the family and church.  

I instead, looked at myself, my wounds.

I can never return to my natural state of innocence, nor will I ever be who I was born to be, but I can embrace and love my imperfectness.

What I would like, at the very minimum, is for those to acknowledge the imperfections of their churches. They are not simply a place of worship, a salvation game, they are indeed, the perfect set up for child abuse.

Perhaps then, we can work to eliminate the threat to children.

Will they come with warning signs, "Unsafe for children to attend."