IMPERFECT Lady

Easy Road

Passive Aggressive behavior was one of the ways I was raised to respond. Instead of facing anything directly, you use a non-verbal reaction that shows your silent disapproval aggressively.  

When someone does this, even today, I am flung backwards into my early years and feel resentment that lingers for days.

And, oddly - I use passive aggressive behavior back. 

My words are silently held in my head - where I have multiple debates that are never spoken out loud.

In the past week this happened. 

One being the discussion about Dr. Ford and the Judge, and then someone turning up the music to drown out the discussion - without using her words.

A double slam.

Is how it felt.

Shutting down the topic, and using a passive aggressive behavior.

And, I was amazed and a little amused - at first.

But, then a weird thing happened - I turned back to my childhood responses.

I followed the silent debate.

And, adhered to miming our feelings.

Instead of speaking about them.

I was silent

She was too loud.

Conversation adverted.

After sitting with the overview, for a few days, I saw how someone can choose not to listen, how you truly have to have a safe and open environment to have a healthy conversation.

Two people caring enough to listen.

That even if one party is open to sharing all kinds of topics, the other person can shut it down.

I was shocked most about being brought back to childhood.

To be almost 60 and feeling like a 'bad' child.

The brushing off of my words felt so disrespectful.

Just how you block your ears and sing or holler as to not hear the other person.

To spare yourself from hearing that which you don't want to hear.

 

I wondered whose lesson this was, and what could I learn?

First it showed me the application of passive aggressive behavior.

How closed it is and almost violent to our feelings.

And, non-evolving.

 

What I learned was how you can literally see a closed ear by how someone behaves.

That words don't have to be explicit.

And, how that makes you feel.

Cast aside as if you didn't matter.

Not you or your thoughts.

 

This one sided selfishly arrogant relationship is familiar to me.

I was raised by a parent who used this behavior to control us.

And, I can see how it works, but how limiting it is.

 

This encounter brought me back to how I used to be.  How I would seethe in silence for days to show my anger. How I would use non-verble messages to portray my feelings.

I didn't have words.

More, I didn't have a secure and trusting understanding of who I was.

 

I was the silent victim - whose words were drowned out.

 

I now see how this worked so well for my mother, and later me.

 

 

Passive aggressive behavior is - I had to look up the real meaning to see if at the end of this rant, I had it correct according to the dictionary.

"Passive–aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others."

and, this

"A Mayo Clinic specialist explains the signs of this indirect way of expressing negative feelings."

and,

"Upbringing: Some suggest that passive-aggressive behavior may stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed. People may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration."

and this,

"Taking the easy road: Being assertive and emotionally open is not always easy. When standing up for yourself is difficult or even scary, passive-aggression might seem like an easier way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of your anger."

 

All apply to how I was raised. And, why I too chose the path of passive aggressive.

This encounter this week has taught me the code of my childhood.

I can totally see why this was needed in a home with abuse.

"People may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration."

This line is particularly poignant to me.  For without your real feelings, can you be real?

I know that this is so true. We do become passive aggressive IF we can't express our real feelings openly.

My intention is to now live fully expressing my feelings. 

And, will have to learn how to do so more effectively with passive aggressive people.

How interesting it is, that taking the "easy road" is to be passive aggressive. For, it truly is harder to be emotionally open and assertive. And, being passive aggressive, You don't have to confront the source of your anger. Which to me is the most meaningful tool used in abusive homes.

Expressing your emotions and sitting with the source of your anger isn't the easy road.

 

 

 

A joyful ride

Sometimes it feels like we are walking in circles, not getting anywhere, either personally or collectively. However, each of us carry a part of the evolution of humanity. We can only push back, IF there is something to push against.

Is it possible, that the struggle to find balance IS what pushes us forward.

Could there be any evolution if we began balanced?

There are times, I would love to insert new knowledge into people - but would be horrified, if that happened to me.

I believe, that each of us are changing and evolving, learning and growing at a pace that suits our souls.

After pondering who we can sort out the truth, I saw this article today.

This Article Won't Change Your Mind

What I love is how this article rings true in my experience.

And, a phrase I love the believe is  "A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still."

In life we will all have moments and choices of whether to believe something or not.  It doesn't matter which way you ultimately chose, for you will live with the choice you make.

Your mind will find peace or not, with how you chose to take in new knowledge.

It will either support your beliefs or challenge them. And, then you can either keep your beliefs, or change your mind.

I also, agree that no one but you can change your mind.

This is an inside job and done on your time line.

Nothing we can say, nor any proof to the contrary will change your mind.

I LOVE THIS.

It totally frees us all up to play! 

We are not hear to teach or work to change anyone's mind.

I know, that most often I write to understand my self and my thoughts and even to challenge my beliefs. I write to find peace in my own mind.

In the writing out our fears, angers, frustrations etc, allows the mind to wrestle with what it believes it knows to be true.

Oprah was on to something, when her TV show was about getting what she called Ah Ha's.  Where someone came on and made her look at life differently.

I love this too.

I seek books, podcasts and people who will show me a new view.

Living open to new possibilities.

Mostly, I LOVE that I am free to be Me.  It isn't my job to change your mind.

You and your mind are a team that live together. 

I hope it is a joyful ride.

 

Columbus day is a perfect example of something having two sides - ask the Indigenous people what they think of this day? I like that my phone calendar has both of them listed.

I listened to Krista Tippett's podcast "On Being" with Layli Long Soldier -

On Being Podcast with Layli Long Soldier

History has two sides.

How can it not?

We see and feel life from our side of each experience.

And, we also see history, from the side we were taught.

If there is a war, there will be two sides of the war. And your 'rightness' will be on the side you are on.

We look at our childhoods from our vantage point - our parents traveled through our years differently.

I know my experience, and I recognize that others will have their own perceptions of the world.

Again, this was never been more clear, than speaking out about abuse. Not all can see from your vantage point, but that doesn't negate it. 

What I believe is happening now, is that the silent side is now speaking.

Not just with the latest victim to speak out, but that there is a wave going through our society, where each time a victim speaks, it encourages another to break their silence.

So, we now have two sides of the same history.

Because the sides don't often match, does it mean that one is more true than the other?

And, is it most true if only one side shares their view?

If the silent remain silent, does that effect history?

I was so naive that I didn't even question what we were taught in school about history. We were taught our side of history, the white american side.

Maybe had I attended college, I would be wiser about the history of the world.

In the history of my family, up and until I was 46 years old, I had not heard about sexual abuse. 

This is not unusual. 

This doesn't mean it didn't happen, it just means that the victims were silent.

The #Metoo movement is the side of our history many would rather have silenced.

My history lessons in school about Columbus, didn't mention the view of the native americans. Ever.

It felt kind - leaving that point out.

In order for humanity to evolve, we need all the voices to be heard.

We cannot change what we do not acknowledge.

Today, I celebrate the voices of the Indigenous - who challenge history's account of Columbus Day.

 

 

 

Truth held with Respect.

As a woman, a woman who has survived sexual abuse, I am left wondering how to fit reality into my future. The reality of Dr. Ford's words and how the response was so ineffective.

What does this say to women who speak up?

We have had the rare opportunity on a large stage to see how victims are treated. What is expected from them and how some will treat her.

Society seems to be split in half about whose side they feel drawn to.

And, there doesn't appear to be a middle ground.

In the land of she said, he said, we pick the side that feels right to us.

I can't know what the he said side feels like.

I am not drawn to his words.

Hers, had echoes of mine.

Is it because I was abused too?

How do we find a reasonable response to an unreasonable outcome?

How do I accept that this sort of treatment goes on, on a larger stage, with supposedly intelligent folks?

That women are still not heard for the truth they carry. That many still fear the "false reporting" as if it was the majority.

Women who dare to unload their burden of abuse, certainly don't need to be dragged down the road that Dr. Ford traveled.

What I do know, is that that road makes you a badass, if you can survive and rise above the folks who are looking to dismiss and make you feel your truth is worthless.

I thought, that my family, the religion I belonged to, were too dysfunctional to be aware of how truth felt. 

And, to be fair, they seen the truth, but responded in different ways. In ways that preserved the life they had, the faith they had, the reality they loved and controlled.

It makes me wonder about the people in Dr. Ford's case.

How is it possible for a judge to not recognize her truth or even his?

Is truth black and white in reality?

Is it either the truth or it is not.

How simple is all of this, really?

While it appears to be complicated, where folks will rush to the reputation and side of the alleged abuser, and put up guards against 'false' reporting, is it really simple.

Who makes it complicated?

And, who strives for the simple clear way.

What is the responsibility of the folks on the sidelines?

In my experience, when I woke up to the fact of my abuse, it sure would have been nice to have folks who could clearly show you the way. Here is the reality of the land, here is the truth and here is the untruth.

What I found instead, were many people who were living life, with many more shades of grey than black and white. Whose lives were littered with the untruths of their life.

This may seem odd.

But, think about it.

How many people do you know, who are not happy in their lives, but act like they are?

Who may not like their family, but spend time with them?

Or, married folks who are not living married lives.

And, this isn't just true for people, but also institutions.

Like my old church.

How many churches are living the truth of their faith, or actually, how many of their church members, live lives of their faith?

In the case of the Catholic church, lies are falling from the priests like rain showers.

So, when a victim speaks up, who are the honest ones who will hear?

Are there not many more folks living lies, who don't even recognize the truth or are too afraid of what your truth will mean to their lives?

Doesn't it kinda makes sense, that those living lies, are afraid of their own truths being found out? They are defensive of the facade, for they themselves live behind one?

What I know to be true, in my experience, is that my truth wasn't well received.

In fact, it was easier to put space between them and myself.

There were a variety of reasons to do so.

Often, silence took its place.

Distance.

And, in the beginning I took it personal.

I was extremely sensitive to how others treated me.

That I was somehow to blame.

If only I had been kinder with my truth, perhaps more gentle and articulate. If only I had tried harder to be clearer and maybe less traumatized. Less mental after discovering my life was completely upside down from the truth of what was.

What I have learned is that it wasn't me, my words, my evidence - or the lack thereof, etc etc.  It wasn't about me.

Each person gets to decide how they will respond when a victim speaks.

We all have free will as to which side we side up to.

What my mind didn't expect was to see such appalling treatment done to a victim who had the courage to speak her truth. I know, there will be some who want to sit in the false reporting, but I am going to go with her.

I can no more explain the other side today, than I could years ago with my father.

Something inside of me, is drawn to her.

And, not the judge.

I am wondering, if the same can be true for them?

Perhaps they too can't help it.

It isn't a choice for them, any more than it is a choice for me.

It isn't about the mind at all, but the subconscious feelings.

Is it fear?

Fear of the truth, or fear of false reporting?

Interesting.

I am not moving in fear.

I am moving towards an empowered woman.

Courage.

Bravery.

Vulnerable.

I am not sure I move because of fear anymore.

I use to.

I was fear driven.

Fear of not being liked, going to heaven, sinning, of not being a good daughter, a good sister, a friend.

Now, I strive to just be me.

And listen to my body, my gut, my feelings.

I can't know why others move differently.

I try to keep my reality free of pretend things.

Inside as well as outside.

I can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend.

If it doesn't feel right, it can't be part of my world, nor can I support it.

It may be age, but mostly, it is once I embraced my whole truth, the good, the bad and the very ugly, I can't abide by less.

I accept what is, even if in doing so, my whole world falls apart.

I feel that Dr. Ford, is just another thing to add to my reality. The juxtaposition between her truth and the outcome she had to face. She is the very example of why the percentage of false reporting. Who would willingly sign up for the treatment she has received?

While my mind is more at rest now, knowing that we live in a world where many live a few steps from their truth, it will look messy. It will act messy. And, we can't expect truth from many who live lives of untruth.

It is my hope that truth wins, only but 100% of the time.

And, if my truth is wrong, I will surely know.

I live my life seeking the truth, no matter how it appears. And, I ask for the truth to be shown to me, always.

Today in my art, I was drawn to black and white.  I wanted simplicity in my backgrounds.

The movement is bright - it's hope.

Hope that one day, victims will be well received and their truth held with respect.