As a woman, a woman who has survived sexual abuse, I am left wondering how to fit reality into my future. The reality of Dr. Ford's words and how the response was so ineffective.
What does this say to women who speak up?
We have had the rare opportunity on a large stage to see how victims are treated. What is expected from them and how some will treat her.
Society seems to be split in half about whose side they feel drawn to.
And, there doesn't appear to be a middle ground.
In the land of she said, he said, we pick the side that feels right to us.
I can't know what the he said side feels like.
I am not drawn to his words.
Hers, had echoes of mine.
Is it because I was abused too?
How do we find a reasonable response to an unreasonable outcome?
How do I accept that this sort of treatment goes on, on a larger stage, with supposedly intelligent folks?
That women are still not heard for the truth they carry. That many still fear the "false reporting" as if it was the majority.
Women who dare to unload their burden of abuse, certainly don't need to be dragged down the road that Dr. Ford traveled.
What I do know, is that that road makes you a badass, if you can survive and rise above the folks who are looking to dismiss and make you feel your truth is worthless.
I thought, that my family, the religion I belonged to, were too dysfunctional to be aware of how truth felt.
And, to be fair, they seen the truth, but responded in different ways. In ways that preserved the life they had, the faith they had, the reality they loved and controlled.
It makes me wonder about the people in Dr. Ford's case.
How is it possible for a judge to not recognize her truth or even his?
Is truth black and white in reality?
Is it either the truth or it is not.
How simple is all of this, really?
While it appears to be complicated, where folks will rush to the reputation and side of the alleged abuser, and put up guards against 'false' reporting, is it really simple.
Who makes it complicated?
And, who strives for the simple clear way.
What is the responsibility of the folks on the sidelines?
In my experience, when I woke up to the fact of my abuse, it sure would have been nice to have folks who could clearly show you the way. Here is the reality of the land, here is the truth and here is the untruth.
What I found instead, were many people who were living life, with many more shades of grey than black and white. Whose lives were littered with the untruths of their life.
This may seem odd.
But, think about it.
How many people do you know, who are not happy in their lives, but act like they are?
Who may not like their family, but spend time with them?
Or, married folks who are not living married lives.
And, this isn't just true for people, but also institutions.
Like my old church.
How many churches are living the truth of their faith, or actually, how many of their church members, live lives of their faith?
In the case of the Catholic church, lies are falling from the priests like rain showers.
So, when a victim speaks up, who are the honest ones who will hear?
Are there not many more folks living lies, who don't even recognize the truth or are too afraid of what your truth will mean to their lives?
Doesn't it kinda makes sense, that those living lies, are afraid of their own truths being found out? They are defensive of the facade, for they themselves live behind one?
What I know to be true, in my experience, is that my truth wasn't well received.
In fact, it was easier to put space between them and myself.
There were a variety of reasons to do so.
Often, silence took its place.
Distance.
And, in the beginning I took it personal.
I was extremely sensitive to how others treated me.
That I was somehow to blame.
If only I had been kinder with my truth, perhaps more gentle and articulate. If only I had tried harder to be clearer and maybe less traumatized. Less mental after discovering my life was completely upside down from the truth of what was.
What I have learned is that it wasn't me, my words, my evidence - or the lack thereof, etc etc. It wasn't about me.
Each person gets to decide how they will respond when a victim speaks.
We all have free will as to which side we side up to.
What my mind didn't expect was to see such appalling treatment done to a victim who had the courage to speak her truth. I know, there will be some who want to sit in the false reporting, but I am going to go with her.
I can no more explain the other side today, than I could years ago with my father.
Something inside of me, is drawn to her.
And, not the judge.
I am wondering, if the same can be true for them?
Perhaps they too can't help it.
It isn't a choice for them, any more than it is a choice for me.
It isn't about the mind at all, but the subconscious feelings.
Is it fear?
Fear of the truth, or fear of false reporting?
Interesting.
I am not moving in fear.
I am moving towards an empowered woman.
Courage.
Bravery.
Vulnerable.
I am not sure I move because of fear anymore.
I use to.
I was fear driven.
Fear of not being liked, going to heaven, sinning, of not being a good daughter, a good sister, a friend.
Now, I strive to just be me.
And listen to my body, my gut, my feelings.
I can't know why others move differently.
I try to keep my reality free of pretend things.
Inside as well as outside.
I can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend.
If it doesn't feel right, it can't be part of my world, nor can I support it.
It may be age, but mostly, it is once I embraced my whole truth, the good, the bad and the very ugly, I can't abide by less.
I accept what is, even if in doing so, my whole world falls apart.
I feel that Dr. Ford, is just another thing to add to my reality. The juxtaposition between her truth and the outcome she had to face. She is the very example of why the percentage of false reporting. Who would willingly sign up for the treatment she has received?
While my mind is more at rest now, knowing that we live in a world where many live a few steps from their truth, it will look messy. It will act messy. And, we can't expect truth from many who live lives of untruth.
It is my hope that truth wins, only but 100% of the time.
And, if my truth is wrong, I will surely know.
I live my life seeking the truth, no matter how it appears. And, I ask for the truth to be shown to me, always.
Today in my art, I was drawn to black and white. I wanted simplicity in my backgrounds.
The movement is bright - it's hope.
Hope that one day, victims will be well received and their truth held with respect.
