IMPERFECT Lady

In Reality

Can you describe your life in one sentence, or are you a paragraph?  I heard this on a podcast, Soul Series. It is an interesting thought. What sentence are you living? What is the content of your life?

My sentence structure, would consist of awareness, free empowerment, change, legacy, love of self, art, women...  I will have to work on seeing how I can fit how I exist into a sentence.

 

Another thought from a podcast was, "People are not bad, Beliefs are."

Just sit with that thought.

 

My life changed, when I changed my beliefs.

I was seen differently, and I seen the world differently, when I changed what I believed.

When I left my religion, it was all in my head. I no longer believed as they all believed. The old beliefs were now unbelievable to me.

When I left my family, it was all done in my head, I no longer believed as they did.

I wasn't bad, but my new beliefs were not accepted.

Nor, could I relate to the old beliefs anymore. We were no longer able to relate to each other. I wonder if that is the real meaning of relationship; the ability to relate to each other.

 

One day, a brother changed his mind about me.

The relationship ended.

He has a new belief about me.

All it takes for a relationship to end, is for one person to change their minds.

Beliefs can make me a good person or a bad person and it has nothing to do with me.

 

We are not born with a set of beliefs, we are taught a set of beliefs.

How our parents believe, influence how they raise us.

What their belief system was, became ours.

It isn't so much who your parents are, but rather how they believed, that grew your mind or stunted it.

 

How we are treated, affects what we believe about ourselves.

If we are treated badly, we often have a lower sense of self -worth.

 

There really are good and bad beliefs, much more than good and bad people.

Our physical bodies are not what is bad, but rather the beliefs in our head.

 "When I believe my thoughts, I suffer." Byron Katie

 

My life became more peaceful when I understood, that most often there is a belief system behind people.  

A system that is leading them, often blindly, to do what they do.

Isn't it Jesus who said, "Forgive them, they know not what they do."?

 

I was led by a belief system for 46 years, without awareness, that I didn't make a conscious choice. My life wasn't mine to lead. It's whole content was driven by beliefs I was taught. 

Fear kept me from even thinking about thinking of anything outside the system. 

My future when I died demanded my compliance to the belief.

And, my knowing I'd be shunned if I dared.

The beliefs, were just the religious ones.  

 

The dysfunctional abusive family beliefs were a whole different string.

They were all designed to deflect reality and make the individual disappear or at very least become irrelevant.

Beliefs that dovetailed with the church, "honor thy mother and thy father" no matter what.

Beliefs that created, voiceless, choice-less, unseen, children that did not matter.

 

It was earth shattering and mind blowing, when I awoke and challenged a mind full of beliefs that were not copacetic with reality.

The beliefs in my head, had literally kept me from being in reality, seeing it, knowing it and believing it. I lived a few feet from my real world, in a land where reality wasn't present.

Beliefs are bad, not people.

I wasn't born narrow minded, I was taught to be.

I wasn't born with negative beliefs about others, I was taught to believe I was better.

I wasn't born believing in hell, or heaven, I was taught about it.

 

Beliefs are given to us, as much as vegetables and milk, and they create a human being who lives peacefully and respectfully or one who is judging and righteously removing equality from others.

My whiteness came with a busload of beliefs that made so many others less than.

My "faith" and its beliefs, had me on the road to heaven, while others were headed to hell.

 

Beliefs matter in times of peace and in times of war.

What you believe matters more than what you do.

Perhaps my sentence is...

"She no longer believed, and from there lived a life of freedom and peaceful love with her self and the rest of the world, in reality."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love and respect.

It has been many years now since I gathered with extended family on my side for the Holidays. 

Years of re-creating a new normal if you will. Striving to put forth a pattern.

Yet, it will take generations before it is complete.  It isn't to be done in my lifetime.

I often feel undone.

Incomplete.

Unsuccessful.

And my goal is.

It is not going to take shape until long after I am gone. And, perhaps my life will not even make sense until generations later.

Often, it barely makes sense to me. All I know, is that something within me is ironclad in feeling, that in order to change the legacy of abuse, I must do things differently.

 

It is like I had to create a new life detached from the family.

Which means, you are separated purposefully.

The purpose being, to choose what sort of family behavior will make up our family.

What are the key components that will allow each being to feel loved, safe and acknowledged.

How will our relationships will weave together, to create an atmosphere of peace, love and acceptance?

What is, or is not, acceptable behavior with each other.

What are we willing to overlook and look around, is there anything, we can't afford not to see and know.

 

Coming from a family where denial was the overlay, I am now seeking to live in transparency.  

Daring to voice the uncomfortable.

Being vulnerable and willing to lose it all, in order to preserve what is real.

Setting the tone of full disclosure of who I am and accepting where I have come from, and how I am learning to live life free from denying Me, in all my forms.

Family legacies are not changed in one lifetime.

It will take generations repeating what I have started.

Or not.

I can only live my life with the truest intentions to eradicate the behavior that supports abuse.

Zero tolerance has been my intentions.

 

It is hard to change from tolerance to intolerance. 

Hard to build boundaries where prior it was free range.

Difficult to be a different you.

 

Lonely too.

 

I often wonder about my path, my lot in life. How it is a privilege and a burden.

 

The distance between my old self and new is now nearing 15 years.

 

That is a long time to be separated and creating a new lifestyle and yet it is very young in the legacy of generations that make up a family.

When I split from the family tree, it was as if I was a seedling starting a new tree.

What I miss is the past matriarchs who would have set the tone for me.

I am singing a song I am making up as I go along.

Music from my heart and soul.

Feeling as I go.

 

My family tree and its traditions love uniqueness, open communication, respect, love that is free, being you and curiosity of life.

It is a work in progress, we don't know how this pattern will design itself.

I am following its lead.

 

I feel ghosts of the old pattern at times, and often get nostalgia for what I thought it was, and sometimes get weary of the solitary feeling of being the trail blazer. While at the same time, feel inspired and grateful for being on my journey of change.

Yet, I know it would be harder to be on the old path for sure. 

For once you know, you can't unknown, you can only pretend to pretend that you didn't see.

 

Thanksgiving to me is to be grateful for the new pattern that is slowly emerging.

I see it in my granddaughter, she gets two generations before her.

Women who are guiding her, by walking in ways of integrity and loving kindness.

I am at peace in knowing my separation from family will matter in the lives of generations beneath me.

The pain and suffering I endured will not be for naught. It will stop the self destroying abuse that was my legacy.  And, give to my grandchildren and their children a pattern that will spread love and kindness.

Love that is free and truthful, real and vulnerable.

We all get to be completely ourselves, a pattern of free expressions and love of self.

On Thanksgiving, I give thanks for walking with people I love and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without you in it.

In life there are people whose path we cross, that are bright spots.  Whose energy, humor, respect, and friendship add joy to your life.

We didn't see each other often, but when we did, it was always a fun connection.

We met through my speaking out, and Art.

I entered into his space, the helping community.

Unsure, nervous and yet bold.

I had words to say and art to share.

He listened, understood, admired and reached out.

We collaborated, and my Story Line quilts were hung up at Copper Country Mental Health; and still hang there today, about 4 years later.

He got me and my art.

And, I felt seen and heard by him.

He came to most of my speaking events.

He was there when others were not.

It was always so comforting to see his smiling face in the audience.

His kind approval mattered.

He would say he had the honor of being my biggest fan.

It was a mutual club, for I was his too.

We connected over family that were distant to each of us.

He just got it, for it was his experience too.

Our common ground, and mutual love and respect was a comfort for each of us.

I really cannot believe he's gone.

How can this be possible?

When I think of a kind gentle loving funny soul, I think of him.

I am forever grateful to have shared moments on our journeys together.

I don't know where you go when your body passes.

But, wherever you are, I hope you have all the love you gave.

Know that you made a difference in my life.

 

You gave me courage and friendship when I needed them both.

You helped me grow, by seeing a bigger potential than I saw within.

I loved your utter confidence in being simply you.

A you that was you, always.

I will miss you Joseph Freed.

My forever friend.

My buddy.

Oh, Joe.

My world is sadder without you in it.