It has been many years now since I gathered with extended family on my side for the Holidays.
Years of re-creating a new normal if you will. Striving to put forth a pattern.
Yet, it will take generations before it is complete. It isn't to be done in my lifetime.
I often feel undone.
Incomplete.
Unsuccessful.
And my goal is.
It is not going to take shape until long after I am gone. And, perhaps my life will not even make sense until generations later.
Often, it barely makes sense to me. All I know, is that something within me is ironclad in feeling, that in order to change the legacy of abuse, I must do things differently.
It is like I had to create a new life detached from the family.
Which means, you are separated purposefully.
The purpose being, to choose what sort of family behavior will make up our family.
What are the key components that will allow each being to feel loved, safe and acknowledged.
How will our relationships will weave together, to create an atmosphere of peace, love and acceptance?
What is, or is not, acceptable behavior with each other.
What are we willing to overlook and look around, is there anything, we can't afford not to see and know.
Coming from a family where denial was the overlay, I am now seeking to live in transparency.
Daring to voice the uncomfortable.
Being vulnerable and willing to lose it all, in order to preserve what is real.
Setting the tone of full disclosure of who I am and accepting where I have come from, and how I am learning to live life free from denying Me, in all my forms.
Family legacies are not changed in one lifetime.
It will take generations repeating what I have started.
Or not.
I can only live my life with the truest intentions to eradicate the behavior that supports abuse.
Zero tolerance has been my intentions.
It is hard to change from tolerance to intolerance.
Hard to build boundaries where prior it was free range.
Difficult to be a different you.
Lonely too.
I often wonder about my path, my lot in life. How it is a privilege and a burden.
The distance between my old self and new is now nearing 15 years.
That is a long time to be separated and creating a new lifestyle and yet it is very young in the legacy of generations that make up a family.
When I split from the family tree, it was as if I was a seedling starting a new tree.
What I miss is the past matriarchs who would have set the tone for me.
I am singing a song I am making up as I go along.
Music from my heart and soul.
Feeling as I go.
My family tree and its traditions love uniqueness, open communication, respect, love that is free, being you and curiosity of life.
It is a work in progress, we don't know how this pattern will design itself.
I am following its lead.
I feel ghosts of the old pattern at times, and often get nostalgia for what I thought it was, and sometimes get weary of the solitary feeling of being the trail blazer. While at the same time, feel inspired and grateful for being on my journey of change.
Yet, I know it would be harder to be on the old path for sure.
For once you know, you can't unknown, you can only pretend to pretend that you didn't see.
Thanksgiving to me is to be grateful for the new pattern that is slowly emerging.
I see it in my granddaughter, she gets two generations before her.
Women who are guiding her, by walking in ways of integrity and loving kindness.
I am at peace in knowing my separation from family will matter in the lives of generations beneath me.
The pain and suffering I endured will not be for naught. It will stop the self destroying abuse that was my legacy. And, give to my grandchildren and their children a pattern that will spread love and kindness.
Love that is free and truthful, real and vulnerable.
We all get to be completely ourselves, a pattern of free expressions and love of self.
On Thanksgiving, I give thanks for walking with people I love and respect.