I am 14 going on 60.
On December 4, 2004 I woke up and it began a journey of becoming Me.
When looking upon the two very different lives I have lived, I can hardly see the one who lived the longest. The latest me, is much clearer and I feel so much more connected to her.
She is very much self made.
Whereas the early version was created by survival, cult-like religion and beliefs about herself and the world that were very limiting and small.
I have judged both of them, by how they were treated by my family of origin.
I judged the latest Me, by how my brother walked away.
Perhaps not the woman herself, but her actions.
Was it all a waste?
Have I wasted a lifetime, when in the end, relationships end?
Rob Bell, in his latest podcast spoke about waste.
That we tend to see the worthiness of something, IF we get the outcome we intended.
Like, I would be a worthy daughter, and sister, IF my family treated me as such.
Instead of sitting with what I gave.
Was what I gave a waste?
Did I give something that was wasteful?
My recollection of my giving, was most often the best of me.
I gave to fill lacks.
I gave until there was no more to give.
Often, I gave too much, cared too much, loved too much.
But, is that a waste?
I gave of my art, I gave of my time, I gave of my wisdom, my experience, my truths, my intimate emotions, my integrity, when I found it myself.
How can these be wasteful things?
I used to say, I wish I had been an asshole, that I hadn't cared so much, and given so much, that in the end, it didn't matter. In the end, I was left without a family. That I was left with a broken heart and a confused mind.
I too, believed, that If I gave I would receive.
Something of worth equal to what I had given.
When I am left standing alone outside of my family, I judged me by their actions.
I wasn't worthy, I hadn't given the right stuff, the right way, at the right time. It was all a wasted effort.
They get to be the defining factor of whether I am a waste or not.
It is hard not to feel wasteful when you are tossed aside, in a moment, after all you have given, it seems such a careless ending.
How can you be so casually tossed aside, IF you were worth more.
There are two sides of the estrangement.
What I gave and how they valued it and me.
I used to value how they seen me. I used feel more loving and kinder depending upon how they treated me.
Now, I see clearly, what I gave of me, is what matters.
I didn't withhold.
I didn't water down my caring.
I didn't give waste.
I wasn't a waste.
It wasn't all for naught.
What I gave was sacred, the essence of me.
And, you can't waste being yourself.
They can value it or not, and that doesn't change who I am.
This is another huge vein into my self esteem, that I have unplugged or cleared up.
My value comes from knowing what I give.
Another part of Rob's podcast spoke about "here". When you are confused by how others react or respond, and when you feel the injustice of it all, "Here." Give it to the universe to hold.
Here, I give you my relationships that ended so abruptly, or simply faded away.
Many due to my changing.
Here.
You hold them.
I can't know why or how or whatever.
Most often, I am left with silence, space and rejection.
Here.
I know what I gave, and it wasn't a waste.
Here
You carry their response, I will carry what I gave.
Here
