IMPERFECT Lady

Regrets at a minimum.

Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.  Bronnie

 

And, on a podcast with Lewis Howes, she spoke about the 6th regret, as  Not learning the power of kindness. To ourselves and others.  The hardest part of kindness is receiving kindness and love for ourselves.

 

As I sit here on the Eve of a New Year, and in the first year of my 60's, these are great reminders to live a life that will have the least amount of regrets, as well as the most fun to look back upon.

I have number one down pretty well, in that I live my life true to me. It wasn't always the case, but in the past 14 years, it has been my number one goal in each moment of life.

And, number two, I truly don't work too hard, or too much.  I have plenty of play time in my days and weeks, so that one too I am okay with.

Number 3, is another one I have managed to hone my skills at.  It has brought me great inner peace and self definition. I know who I am now, because I am aware of my feelings and I have the courage to express them.  I have also learned, that not everyone will appreciate, or accept how I see, and feel the world. And, I am okay with that. As I am free to be who I am, they too are allowed to see and feel me in the manner in which they do. While I am estranged from many, I feel that it is the truth of who we are, and reconnecting isn't what would be true for me.

As for staying connected to friends. There are friends that I have outgrown.  I am okay allowing the natural separation that has happened. I would no more want them to be in a place they are uncomfortable with, anymore than I would want to regress.  I am connected to those I feel connected to. And, the adage is true: We have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have learned to identify them.

I am getting much better at letting myself be happier. About expressing things that upset me and why.  And about looking into how I am the unhappy maker. It took me a long time to realize, it is my job. And, I took back the control from others.  I no longer allow others to make me unhappy.  Even more, I seek things that make me happy.  I move towards happiness.  

As for the 6th kindness regret. I have learned if you can't be kind to yourself, you will not be able to give kindness to others.  Being kind to me, was hard to learn and receive. It was achievable and I have learned this art form well.

I agree with these regrets, and more agree with living life regret free.

In my past, I see my evolution, and how my last days will unfold in peacefulness.

 

If we had the urgency of the dying, we would be able to become more honest with our lives and self.

I have lived more than I have yet to live.

I aim to live a life that will bring me the most peace in the end.

Leaving regrets behind.

If we live right, we can eliminate our regrets.

I had to find the real definition of regret.

"Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity)"

Regrets are missed or lost opportunities.

Times we held back instead of reaching forward.

Times we said No, when we wanted to say Yes.

Or, even times we said Yes, when we needed to say No.

I am learning to catch opportunities and trying new challenges, to gather to me and my life, things that I will look back fondly upon.

Imagine of life of great memories, compared to one of great regrets.

My new year will be to leave the regrets at a minimum.

 

 

 

What you add each day.

As the year comes to a close, most will look to make resolutions for next year.  I just saw a blog about doing a "Past Year Review" instead.  

Tim Ferris suggest this as a guideline.

"1. Grab a notepad and create two columns: Positive and Negative.

2. Go through your calendar from the last year, looking at every week.

3. For each week, jot down on the pad any people, or activities or commitments that triggered peak positive or negative emotions for that month. Put them in their respective columns.

4. Once you've gone through the past year, look at your notepad list and ask, "What 20% of each column produced the most reliable or powerful peaks?"

5. Based on the answers, take your "positive" leaders and schedule more of them in the new year. Get them on the calendar now! Book things with friends and prepay for actives/events/commitments that you know work. It's not real until its in the calendar. That's step one.  Step two is to take your "Negative" leaders, put "Not -to -do List" at the top, and put them where you can see them each morning for the first few weeks of 2019. these are the people and things you "know" make you miserable, so don't put them on your calendar out of obligation, guilt or FOMO (fear of missing out) other responses.

Tim Ferris

I so love this idea.

For, when you see the glob of a new year on the horizon it is hard to know how to sculpt it into a 'good' year for you.

But, when you look back on your last year, you can for sure see what worked and what did not, what made you feel alive and what made you feel less than.

And, I believe, if your past year is a blur, it would be a good idea to begin marking up your calendar this year, for next year review.

Be honest and clear, on what you did and how it made you feel.

I will now sit down with last years 356 days and see how I managed my year.

And, perhaps if you know that your year will be reviewed, you will be more aware of what you add each day.

 

Prison of voices

My head is fairly quiet, the loud voices have all but been silenced.  They didn't suddenly all shut up, but I found, that the more my life aligned with my feelings, the less noisy my head became.

I wonder about the conception of the voices, where did they arise from?

Are they us questioning ourselves, or are they an echo from someone in our lives.

In the past my mother's voice was the loudest, deafening out my own quiet knowing.

The beliefs and words of the church scrambled to be heard as well.

My fears were loud and unreasonable.

And, the wishes and hopes for things to be different often grabbed the microphone.

All of them shouting and clamoring for attention, in my mind.

Each time a situation happened, a crowd of voices began shouting.

It was as if I had no vote in the matter.  

I only was able to choose who I listened to.

Whose direction would I follow.

I was a puppet, with many puppet masters.

And, it is no wonder that I felt like a chameleon. I changed depending upon whose voice I was following. I never could hold a steady course for me.

However, once I began making choices based on my feelings, and not the voices in my head, I began to slowly redefine me. Or actually define me.  It was the Me for the first time.

I wasn't listening or pleasing the outside. I was acting from what I felt inside.

I believe, when the voices were being neglected, they grew silent. They knew I no longer believed them wholeheartedly.

Often, I literally would have to write down what the voices wanted, against what I wanted to do.  And, I would go into detail and how it would make me feel to do what they wanted compared to what I wanted.  I then could make a choice based on my feelings.

If it brought me peace, love or joy - that is the way I headed.

What is so shocking, but not, is how often the voices were dead wrong.

It was what the outside wanted me to do, but it wasn't healthy or peaceful for me.

There was a cost to me to follow the voice.

Perhaps it would be pleasing to the outside, my mother, or sister or friend. But the voice that echoed their needs, often left me not honoring my true feelings.

It was a simple process and it resembled guilt.

The voice would say, "YOU should go, do, be....etc. And, the discussion began.

I challenged each should of, would of, could of.

No matter who I would disappoint, I was willing to, in order to rescue my life from the voices in my head.

To become peaceful inside.

It was quite shocking how little control I had of my life, and my body.

Each time a stressful thought spoke up, I immediately was alert and aware. And, I challenged it with great respect and honor. I truly wanted to know the truth.

Many of the voices were even subconscious.

A belief buried deep.

They would be found, when I couldn't take an action, but didn't know why.

Or, I felt out of control, but I didn't know why.

Each time, I would put pencil to paper and write until I discovered the truth.

And, each time I uncovered the source of why I was out of control, I could see how I grew to be this way, and often, I then could respond differently.

Now, my head is quiet.

I wrote for at least 4 years into notebooks, and then I began this blog.  I wrote to find me, what I felt, and often, when something outside wanted me to be different.

I wrote to find my reality.

I am only at peace there.

If I am uneasy and unsure, I can know I have left the here and now, and slipped into believing the voices in my head.

Worry is a voice.

Anxiety is a voice.

Fear is a voice.

Rarely do we have positive cheerleaders in our minds.

My cheerleaders only cheered AFTER I successfully overran a voice.

Only after I decided, and then acted on my own.

And, I believe the cheerleaders voice come from the heart.

From the inner sanctuary of you.

The voice of the little girl, is what I heard first.

My little girl self, that needed to be listened to.

Her voice was little and timid at first and her cheers felt deeply.

Eventually she grew stronger, louder and more defined, as I began making more and more choices that reflected her needs.

My needs were grounded, as I said in reality. They needed, truth, integrity, actions, and whose outcome gave love to my self.

Some, still may say this is the recipe for being selfish.

But, it it literally is a loving relationship with self.

You cannot love yourself if you hurt yourself by pleasing another.

And just so you know, rarely as I changed, were there cheers from those I was placing boundaries. Instead, it was as if they grew stronger, to make sure my boundary was tough, secure and steady.

Testing to see where the line was drawn.

Most often the voice I now here is me.  A dream of an adventure, the nudge to try something new, curiosity and eagerness to explore more of life. Free from the prison of voices.

 

 

 

 

Honor and Acknowledge Me.

"Celebrate" to acknowledge - honor....

I celebrated Me yesterday, I turned 60.

I celebrated my journey.

all of it.

Not just the good times, the easy choices, but the tough heart wrenching tough ones.

I celebrated my open heart, after so much heartache.

I celebrated my open mind, after so many years of being closed.

I celebrated my inner peace, love and joy.

After so many years of wanting something different.

A different body, a different life, a different this or that.

I celebrated loving me right now just as I am.

I celebrated the journey it has taken me to becoming Me.

The things I had to let go of and the newness I had to embrace.

I celebrated surviving, when I thought it was impossible.

I celebrated my new love, of allowing and freedom.

I honor me, by allowing, and accepting all of who I am to be.

There is nothing I would change or remove.  All that I have experienced has brought me to where I am today.

I celebrate life, for many lives have ended this year.

I celebrate love, for many struggle within relationships.

I celebrate my health, for many are ill.

I celebrate my mental clarity, for many live in denial.

I celebrate my positive nature, for many live in heavy darkness.

I celebrate the love, peace and joy in my home, for many live unsure.

I celebrate my relationships, with their integrity, and respect.

I celebrate being a mom and grandma, for many would love the honor.

I celebrate being an artist, for many are too shy.

I celebrate the many different facets of being Me.

How grateful I am to have lived to see 60 years of age.

And, to love the me who landed here!

It is a truly great privilege to be able to celebrate your own self!

My job as I see it, is to live a life that brings me love, peace and joy.  And, it releases everyone the burden of making me happy, more joyful, more this or that.

I got it.

I am finding joy, love and peace within Me.

Happiness is being able to celebrate your life, even when, or especially when tough times have entered your journey. Our work as a human being, is to continue to rise up to peace and acceptance, in all things.

Perhaps I celebrate the most, because of what I lost, what I found, and where I have been. I know the opposite of what I now have.

I celebrate to honor and acknowledge Me!

Carry in your soul.

We sang last night.

In an end of life home.

Where their options seem to be running out.

A woman there, was shiny.

With a hat of color and lights.

A smile that was huge.

Eyes that danced with delight.

Personality bright.

Alive.

And she had our Tune.

She sang with us - until her air ran out and she needed to return to her room.

She sang the verses she knew and hummed the rest.

She had spirit.

We didn't know each other, but we joined in the spirit of song.

Memories

Childhood

Christmas

We didn't carry tunes very well, but we did carry joy, love, and peace.

We carried caring.

It didn't matter, that we were a small out of tune, didn't know the words, choir.

What mattered is we arrived.

We sang.

 

When we arrived, our group had shrunk, what was to have been six, was down to three and a little.

We thought, well we can sing a few and call it a night.

But, the folks were waiting.

Eagerly 

For carolers.

Us.

Some, who weren't as bright as our Tuner, sang along, moving their lips, or tapping their foot.  Or, watched.  A gentleman wanted his picture taken with us too, he asked, "Can I be in the picture too."

We sang out of tune, we sang from our hearts, we sang to give the christmas spirit.

In a place, where death lives close.

And, we found life.

joy

happiness

peace

Perhaps when the options run out, you are left with the elements of life that are most meaningful.

Your spirit.

As I looked upon our short time with our Tuner, I want to be her.

I want to wear a hat of lights and color and sing the verses I can and hum the rest.

I want to live lively to the end.

I want to join the group who's singing.

I want to sing, until I run out of breath!

I love this group of carolers!

It is not how you sing, it is what you carry in your soul.

 

 

 

Here

I am 14 going on 60.

On December 4, 2004 I woke up and it began a journey of becoming Me.

When looking upon the two very different lives I have lived, I can hardly see the one who lived the longest.  The latest me, is much clearer and I feel so much more connected to her.

She is very much self made.

Whereas the early version was created by survival, cult-like religion and beliefs about herself and the world that were very limiting and small.

I have judged both of them, by how they were treated by my family of origin.

I judged the latest Me, by how my brother walked away.

Perhaps not the woman herself, but her actions.

Was it all a waste?

Have I wasted a lifetime, when in the end, relationships end?

 

Rob Bell, in his latest podcast spoke about waste.

That we tend to see the worthiness of something, IF we get the outcome we intended.

Like, I would be a worthy daughter, and sister, IF my family treated me as such.

Instead of sitting with what I gave.

Was what I gave a waste?

Did I give something that was wasteful?

 

My recollection of my giving, was most often the best of me.

I gave to fill lacks.

I gave until there was no more to give.

Often, I gave too much, cared too much, loved too much.

But, is that a waste?

 

I gave of my art, I gave of my time, I gave of my wisdom, my experience, my truths, my intimate emotions, my integrity, when I found it myself.

How can these be wasteful things?

I used to say, I wish I had been an asshole, that I hadn't cared so much, and given so much, that in the end, it didn't matter. In the end, I was left without a family. That I was left with a broken heart and a confused mind. 

I too, believed, that If I gave I would receive.

Something of worth equal to what I had given.

When I am left standing alone outside of my family, I judged me by their actions.

I wasn't worthy, I hadn't given the right stuff, the right way, at the right time. It was all a wasted effort.

They get to be the defining factor of whether I am a waste or not.

It is hard not to feel wasteful when you are tossed aside, in a moment, after all you have given, it seems such a careless ending.

How can you be so casually tossed aside, IF you were worth more.

 

There are two sides of the estrangement.

What I gave and how they valued it and me.

 

I used to value how they seen me. I used feel more loving and kinder depending upon how they treated me.

 

Now, I see clearly, what I gave of me, is what matters.

I didn't withhold.

I didn't water down my caring.

I didn't give waste.

I wasn't a waste.

 

It wasn't all for naught.

What I gave was sacred, the essence of me.

And, you can't waste being yourself.

 

They can value it or not, and that doesn't change who I am.

This is another huge vein into my self esteem, that I have unplugged or cleared up.

 

My value comes from knowing what I give.

 

Another part of Rob's podcast spoke about "here".  When you are confused by how others react or respond, and when you feel the injustice of it all, "Here." Give it to the universe to hold.

Here, I give you my relationships that ended so abruptly, or simply faded away.

Many due to my changing. 

Here.

You hold them.

I can't know why or how or whatever.

Most often, I am left with silence, space and rejection.

Here.

I know what I gave, and it wasn't a waste.

Here

You carry their response, I will carry what I gave.

Here