I listened to a discussion about estrangement on NPR, on 1 A - (Below is the link)
Here are a few words that I resonated with.
"I could be myself or I could be the daughter they wanted." Tara
"...a promise to myself that the Abusive Cycle that had gone on in my family for generations, stopped with me. I have grown up with a lot of shame from both our family friends and outsiders who just simply can't understand why I would turn my back on my abusive parents. Over the years I have decided that instead of caring the shame, I would put the shame where it belongs, with my abusive family." Melissa
"Estrangement was really a healthy solution for an unhealthy environment."
"I don't feel like I need my family to change, in order for me to love them. But I do feel like I need them to change if I am going to have them in my life." Tara
"Becoming estranged actually, as weird as it is to say, was kinda the best way to just accept them, for who they are. And stop trying to change them, stop having all this conflict where I was trying to make them into someone they just weren't. And, it was kinda the only way that I could just say, you know are okay the way your are, and you decide what you are going to do, and I am going to decide what I am going to do." Tara
I guess it was refreshing to hear them speak about their experiences, which echoed mine. Perhaps not in the details, but the feelings themselves.
And the misunderstandings as to why, and about reconciliation.
Estrangement from family isn't an easy choice, nor one that can easily be reversed.
And, the shame about being estranged.
If we don't fit in, there is something wrong with us, not that there is something hurtful in the environment.
Rarely is family scrutinized to see its contents.
More often, we are judged for stepping away.
I also loved Tara speaking about acceptance that comes with estrangement. It truly does set you free to be, and allow them to be themselves. I am no longer waiting for changes or struggling with the idea that I could should or would change them. Estrangement is accepting that the past cannot be changed, and it is not up to me to change the future in their lives.
I truly am at peace with acceptance.
Of who I am and who they are.
In another podcast with Tim Ferris, he spoke about how people see the world.
- Those who can see.
- Those who can learn to see.
- Those who don't want to see.
When it comes to estrangement from families of abuse, these categories are very true.
It is true, there are many who do not want to see. See in a way that would upset their whole worlds.
I write this blog for those who want to learn to see.
Thanks NPR for having the discussion.
Being estranged has offered me acceptance to what is.
(I can't remove one, sorry you get two)
