In talking to a friend, I was shown how we can't see what we can't see, even though we see it.
The definition of denial.
How we are actually responding and acting with a red flag, but perhaps can't see its color OR know what it is.
Hard to explain, how living in dysfunction, set me up to not see it.
How even the level of mental illness that ran through our family seemed just average. Well, perhaps a person with idiosyncrasies - just odd habits.
Or to label them unkind or selfish etc, and not realizing the very nature of their mental wellness IS the dysfunction.
Not being able to fully engage with your emotions and feelings allowing you to be not only kind to others, but to first love you.
In my family, I never remember there being a discussion about our mental well being. What would be better for us or what more, is wounding us. Even who is unstable and why.
And secondly, we were not show self love.
Based on this, how do you know what a mental illness looks like, if it was never called that? And, what do you know about loving yourself.
How can you discern these odd characteristics as being components to mental illness?
I lived in denial that I was in denial.
My brother and I used to cal this a double blind or sometimes we even had a triple.
I also think, we subjectively see the world through our own mental wellness.
We see as broad as our closed mind is open.
While I have written adnauseam about dysfunction, I wasn't seeing it clearly or perhaps from a far.
It is trying to find normal in an abnormal environment and not recognizing it is impossible.
Can a mental person see their own mentalness clearly?
Will your mental mind be a huge blockage to knowing this?
How can I see my own mental mind, with a mind that was raised in dysfunction, am I not handicapped to do so?
Who do we rely upon to tell us what is mental wellness?
Is there even such a thing?
What brings me love, joy and peace, may not bring someone else the same.
Being back with my family may bring my brother emotions, that are the opposite of mine, who can tell what is right for either of us?
Is there a neutral zone, where it is better for us to remain, compared to other relationships that cause us stress?
I can't know the deeper ideals of mental stability, but I can know what I tolerate or what brings me great stress.
My body is the barometer of what my mind can hold.
What is also weird to me, is that prior to my breakout from denial, I denied my feelings and my mind was at peace. Peace, being it didn't really want to know the truth. My mind was okay having my body feel the stress and shut down.
Now, that my mind knows the truth, it and my body are in harmony.
The disconnect is now connected.
What I often fail to appreciate, is that there were many experiences coming from my family home, and we were not all raised the same, nor did we experience it the same.
What I call dysfunction is just normal.
Even above normal.
Where they can feel that their forgiving attitude and dropping the justified resentments, seems like love.
It is love to them.
Do we not all have our own definitions of love.
Yet, some love will have emotional and mental ramifications upon the human condition.
What I know for sure, is that my experiences is a unique and different experience.
My love of self requires me to act in ways others may find mental.
And, I may find mental how others live in their relationships.
Coming from denial I live in as much transparency as I can muster. I strive to see that which I can't see. I want to fully embrace the total picture as much as my mind can allow.
I feel most well being, when all things align.
When reality and my mind and body agree.
If one things is unsettled, I know there is something I am missing.
The biggest red flag in dysfunctional homes, is not seeing the red flags.
My childhood was littered with red and I was color blind.
Even my adult years there were flags leading back to abuse, and yet I was unaware.
I am grateful we are learning more and more about mental illnesses and perhaps to see we are all on the spectrum. That even in one day, we slip and slide on the scale of normal.
The bottom line, is a good life is one where you can live out loud your feelings, emotions and desires. Where you are not pretending to pretend you are you. Living a facade of a life.
