IMPERFECT Lady

Mental Lady

I was asked about my intentions with my blog.  It was suggested that I blog to abuse the abused. 

 I went back to April of 2009 and found this post.

When the Blog idea came to me, I could envision me being in contact with other women who found themselves outside the normal category of society.  Women who are in a place of either accepting their imperfections, their reality and learning how to live from there, or being a failure.

What I found, in my own experience, was that if you live from the spot of being imperfect, there are no rules to follow, no norm to measure up to, no yardstick to fall short of.  Instead you are able to live life that is for you alone to decide if it works.  Now this doesn't mean that I am a rebel, but rather I am a free spirit in a loving way to myself and mankind.

I would like to share my experiences of walking free of dysfunctional patterns, learning how to build up a new you, to the many wonderful Spiritual Authors who shed the Light upon the way.

I would like this blog to inspire confidence, free spirit, and self love for woman who are lost in a sea of dysfunction and abuse.  I would like to be a voice of reason in their head full of madness.

To show them that Imperfection is Perfection.  That it is impossible to strive to be someone else.  That all your experiences, your life to this point is exactly as it should be.  It is from this point that you can look back and learn from your past  to make a future that is more to your inner desire.

There are no rules, except to be you.  You do what you do, for reasons that are strictly your own to decide.  It is the whole journey to go from being a free soul when we are born, to getting stuck in patterns of our childhood that hold on to us into adulthood, to one day stepping free again.

I want freedom, free will, and love, peace and joy for all.  All who are stuck in a pattern of pain, hurt and without a sense of self.  Other than the self that serves others, while leaving them empty inside.

We will see where this blog takes me....I am open to see what happens, to me and to all who participate in this.

Thanks in advance for your openness as we explore life as a Spiritual Being on a human journey....or how a Soul seeks to experience itself." April 14, 2009

 

Hmmm, this is a very long intention. However, I still agree with most of it.

 

But, I have learned that it is a very rocky road to becoming Me.  And, it was my intention to be as authentic as I can, based on what I knew about myself. 

I have learned so much in the past 10 years.

I am stronger than I was when I first began.

There is great courage to be gained, being vulnerable and showing the world your insides.

I feel that I have wrestled with myself to find my own peace, love and joy. And, that it never required another person to change, but it indeed required much from me.

 

A quote on Facebook fits this thought.

"Authentic Spirituality is always about changing you. It's not about trying to change anyone else." Richard Rohr.

 

I also had this posted in the first few days. And, I totally try and live this.  Even if I fail, it is a premise that is good to remember.

 

"This is from A Thousand Names for Joy - Byron Katie

"I don't know what is best for me, or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else.  I don't want to change you or improve you of convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

 

Here is a poem I found my brother wrote for me. I posted it on 4/23/09

Titled  - "Mental Lady"

I see a lady,

with bushy eyebrows and a faraway stare.

Who would appear to be mental

to you.

She is not responsible for your thoughts

about her.

You are your thoughts,

while appearing not be mental.

Turn that around,

Is that more true?

Keep walking, keep walking,

reality is walking away from you.

Words,

thoughts, and NO Action,

scare her.

She should appear mental

to you.

You do nothing and expect to be something.

Something that moves her away from you.

She can clearly see you,

alone in your thoughts,

that will form your beliefs,

of your right religion.

Your mind is right, of course,

only from the left side

of reality.

How mental you appear

to the lady who giggles, and

is at one with nature,

and reality.

By Carl Huhta

 

I am who I am.

With out apology.

See me mental

or Imperfectly

or, not at all.

 

I guess I didn't answer the question if I blogged to abuse the abused. It certainly isn't my intentions. I write to put a voice out there I wish I had.

Tim Ferriss's Podcast -

 

I listened to this podcast today on the route. With an open mind, you can see there may be new answers to old traumas.  Using a new therapy, that may now be seen as unorthodox, but, if they are having results, we need to explore further.

What I loved, was how we are left with a picture of ourself when something traumatic happens to us. And, if we can experience ourselves in a new way, we can redefine how we see not only ourselves, but the world, and our place in it.

I never thought before that our life can change in an instant to something that feels horrific, and so then, can it change into something beautiful.

What I know, in my experience, is that I saw myself as innocent amid the complex hairball of sexual abuse, and my whole world changed.

Or, maybe it was more I saw my father as guilty, and it freed me to see me, in a new light.

Beautiful.

Open

Light hearted.

New

I know that this type of therapy will work.

It makes the most sense, for those whose lives have been upside down and backwards after a traumatic experience, changing how they see themselves from the inside out.

How amazing it would be to experience yourself without the wound, for the first time for so many people! And, for many of us, to be given the insight into who we were before the abuse changed who we had to be in order to survive.

To see and feel yourself as a innocent child.

I had this experience.

I don't know why or how, but I truly feel that my insides were changed.

That I went from feeling unworthy to worthy.

This ties into the therapy practices of Alice Miller.  She was one of the first to see that the parents held the key to the dysfunctional behavior of the child; making the child innocent. 

What I love most about this, is that inside of us we see ourselves. 

It is, as I have always believed an inside job.

It is in there.

We just have to find a way to get there.

Remove what is in the way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Me.

So, I have sat with my ability to hurt, while I am standing up for my values. In the past many years, I have been working hard to be consistent with my core moral compass. To not go, or not spend time with people or projects that are not in harmony with them.

This often places me in the direct blast from those who feel the sting of my words.

In the past, I worked very hard to not 'upset' or disturb the feelings of others. I was the queen of People Pleasing!  I was a chameleon in my life. I based my words, my thoughts and beliefs to match the person I was with, IN order to flow harmoniously with them.

Disagreement, confrontation and any other sort of direct communication was not in my tool box.  Which I believe walks hand and hand with denial.  Instead of dealing with the reality, and its prickly and uncomfortable truths, we danced around them in pretend friendships.

Then, when the truth does fall at our feet, we all have a decision to make.  Greet it or ignore it.

I also believe, that those of us who are trying to live as authentically as possible, are easy targets to blame not so much for what happened, but for exposing it.

Those who are not ready for the truth, most often react the most viscerally.

Blaming the messenger, instead of the message.

I don't believe the nature of the voice, the quality of the tone, the words chosen, the extent of time, the right and perfect day, the longevity of the relationship, will soften the blow of the truth as it is revealed.

The content of the messenger is not going to help ward of the sting of someone seeing, speaking the truth, that you don't want seen or voiced.

It is easier to blast the messenger than it is to look into a truth.

So, while I can appreciate my brother feeling that my words and sentiments, were attacking and felt abusive. I am not sure, there would be anyway, to get around it. IF you want to have an open relationship that isn't based on secrets and things left unspoken.

Often we look at relationships as being about the people. And, they are.

But, they are also about what can be said and what can't be said.

We can either be open and sharing or in fear with secrets.

What is the fear of being open and transparent.

I do recognize that many people are too afraid to just be themselves. To reveal all.

And, with good reason.

From my experience it is not easy to fully accept all of you.

The wounds come with shame, and guilt and they don't feel good.

Not talking about them doesn't mean you don't feel those emotions. They just keep riding along, time travelers as unexpressed emotions.

What I have been lucky enough to have gone through, is that on the other side of the truth is peace. 

Reconciling my life and gathering all the ugly truths and airing them out, has given me what I feel is a bullet proof feeling. Meaning I can't be stung by others speaking of my truth. I have already sat with them.

And, I do welcome moments of when I am stung. When I am enraged and ignited, for it means there is a truth that is about to be revealed.  An emotional wound is about to be exposed.

What I try to do now, is FEEL this.

Be open to what comes up inside.

My body is an amazing truth teller.

And, perhaps I will learn when to speak and when to remain silent.

However, I also believe not all relationships are created equal. Each has levels of depth to them. The deeper ones, in my opinion demand more transparency and the ability to challenge each other, when we feel they are going against their own truths.

I also believe, there may come a time in each relationship were it dies.

And we all decide what sort of friendships, relationships, intimate partnerships we want.

What I needed prior to embracing my truth, was a shallow one. A co-dependent one. One where I was the people pleaser chameleon.

When I first was stung with my truth. I knew it was a big moment in the relationship for my husband and I.  I had no clue who I was, or who he loved or who he married.

We began walking with this empty self. Wondering who she would become.

We also left the old relationship on the floor.

We made a pact to just be ourselves. 

And, if one of us no longer wanted to be there, we would be free to say it.

We both knew, that without that freedom, we as a couple would have died.

Instead we flourished into a higher level of ourselves.

Free to be ourselves.

I am not interested in relationships that require me to be something other than who I am.

I am not willfully being unkind.

I am however being willfully truthful.

Silence about a 'hot button' issue is still silence.

Banned into Space, is still silence.

Truth doesn't die in silence.

It rides along always.

I wondered about the natural expression of truth.  How something doesn't make sense, until the whole truth is revealed, and then it does.  

Isn't there a saying "Eventually truth always wins."

I found this.

"The truth always wins in the end because it can never be destroyed, whereas lies are built on a fragile structure that can always be undermined by an eventual recognition of the truth.  That doesn't mean that the truth wins on human timescales - because we are merely human, with all the weaknesses that implies - or that truthful people win."

What I can only strive for is to be my truthful self and to live a life that is consistent with my values.

I may not win in most relationships, that are not open to the truth.

But, I will win inside of me.

We are works of art in the making.

When the paint of truth comes your way and sticks, welcome that part of you. Especially if it is the broken wounded part of you.

I will now sit with - do I apologize for being Me?

 

 

 

 

You Chose

I now know, that the silence (with my brother) happened after our conversations in regards to his life.  My opinions, words and sentiments, were stated in a way that he felt attacked and abused. It was both my delivery, my tone and the volume of words I used as well as what I was expressing myself about.  

He asked for space from my words of attack.

It was, and is, his personal life, so I will not go into details about what we were at odds with. 

My writing on my blog, about him doing a 360 was also seen as an attack on his spiritual journey. 

 

What I have learned is that we all view the world from our own vantage point. We see and hear things with our limited, and often traumatized, mind.  

I can see how my words and opinions can hurt.

I am responsible for my words.

I am not responsible for how they are taken in.

I am responsible for how I view the world and the people in it.

I have often been proven wrong, and stand corrected.  

I am also proven right, and more often than not, do not celebrate it.

 

In all interactions, there is more than one side.

Each of us gets to vote.

We view ourselves, and perceive how others view us - within our own emotional and mental states.

 

Words enter into the landscape of traumas, experiences, and history.

 

There are sacred wounds and hidden triggers.  Which makes engaging with folks with past traumas exceptionally tricky.

 

One of my mother's go to tools to show her anger was silence. There is no place to dialogue with silence. I only knew she was gravely upset.  Either with me or with someone else. More often than not, I came up with my own reasoning.  The thing that brought on the silence, was never talked about.  

I used this tool for many years, it was my passive aggressive way to show I was unhappy. I didn't have to use words or bring in my emotions or address my feelings.

I could leave them all deeply hidden and just remain silent.

My husband and children knew I was upset.

I shut them out.

 

I am sure these things became, my buttons. Things you don't say or do, because if you do, mom will give you the silent treatment.

 

What I eventually learned to do, was the opposite.

To sit in the upsetting emotions and feelings, to make myself vulnerable to more pain, by being open.

Open to being upset or disappointed in their actions towards me.

More often than not, it was my own misperception of what happened. OR, even more, none of my business.

 

My brother asked for space, which is silence.  And, I broke his asked for silence to inquire, after two years, if I had always been abusive to him, or just in the end.

This breach was also felt as aggressive behavior. I had not honored his request.

I believe he sees it as a healing modality for himself.  A place where he can protect himself from me, my words, my volume, my opinions, my attacks and be at peace.

 

However, in my experience with silence, it has never worked to heal anything. It just gets shoved aside, buried underneath other things that are upsetting.

 

In our last conversation, he was able to express where he felt attacked and how I was more or less an asshole.  

He mentioned me in his book's dedication.

The first line.

"....for helping me through the darkest periods of my life." And, I told him he should have added a semi-colon; then, she became an abusive asshole.

 

It makes most sense given our last 3 plus years.

I can understand why you shut out abuse. That for sure is in my wheel house.

Which is why I wanted to know if I had been abusive. For shutting out someone who is abusive makes sense to me. 

 

What I don't know, is can you be abusive without knowing you are abusive?

I know the times I was abusive, I felt I had the power over someone else, and misused that power. My children were the receivers of this most often. 

 

Can you abuse someone without being the one with the most power?

Did I have more power over my brother?

Were my words being used to gain power?

And, power over what?

 

He was and is a free agent. 

My greatest gift was to give everyone their power back. It freed them and Me.

I love not having power over anyone.

 

I would love to know if it is possible to be abusive without knowing it.

 

Do I have power over others and not know it?

I will have to sit with where my power is and how I use it.

In my relationship with my brother, did I have more power?

If so how?

More power in what areas?

As siblings, was my power being older?

Abuse is always about power.

I just can't see clearly how I wanted more power.

What is power?

"the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events."

Capacity or Ability to Direct or influence the behavior of others.

Was I making him behave differently or directing the course of his life?

I had zero power over his behavior.

None.

Nor, do I want to be the driver in his life, then or now.

He is, and always was, on his own journey.

Just as I said, I gave everyone their power back.  Whether it was real or perceived in my mind. You are not my responsibility.

So, if this is the case, I was not abusive, for I had no power.

 

Then the next question is, can you feel abused, even if the other person has no power over you?

Is it possible that you have given them more power in your life?

That they were, and are, more responsible than you, in how your life turns out.

Can you make yourself a victim by putting someone else in the power seat?

 

In my life, the church and my mother had more power over than I did. Actually many others as well. It left me powerless.

When I took my power back, they no longer controlled my life.

They no longer had the capacity or ability to direct or influence my behavior or the course of events in my life.

I was driving my life for the first time at 46.

I had my power back.

 

That feeling is unlike any other, when you are, as Wayne Dyer said, "Beyond the good opinion of others."

If I had a gift to give to others, it would be to be empowered.

To be a sovereign person.

Which is why I am the opposite of being abusive. I don't want your power. I want you to have power in your life. I want you to feel the freedom that comes with being self governed. I want you to be your own guru.

I want others to feel self love and self empowerment, the joy and freedom to be themselves.

You are at your most powerful state when you need nothing.

In fact, it is said, that the one with the most power in any relationship is the one who cares the least.

The more you care about how others feel the less powerful you are.

In the end, I can't control how my brother now sees me.

It is within his power to see me in any way he does.

He is free to see me as an asshole.

I can see why you would say that.

You have the power to see me in any way you chose.

 

 

Empty of Discrepancy

One of the side effects of a recovering person from denial, is how I need things to make sense.  I can no longer overlook incongruity. My mind isn't a rest until it knows the whole picture.

I am looking to find definition and gain a clear picture. 

I am not sure how often there are exceptions to the rule, but more often than not, the rules rule.

And, the exceptions are often red flags.

The dissonance that will shatter an image.

Often in families where abuse lives, there are images we need to keep.  It is the coverup to what is really going on.  We don't present to the world the whole truth, we keep our wounds hidden behind the facade of being normal and okay.

I lived in this wonky world for 46 years, where the facade lived as me. It wasn't me, just the image of Me.  

A cleaner version.

A flat shallow self.

And, she didn't make sense, looking back.

It was only when I knew the truth about my family of origin, did I make sense.

Living life for 46 years denying the truth of being abused, had me living awkwardly at best.

I was detached from my emotions, and expansiveness of choice.

Once the truth was known, and I embraced my wounded little girl, was I able to drop the shield (Image) and just be me.  

This one very pivotal moment in my life showed me how gravely important it is to get the full picture and to not overlook the one exception.

I am now an exception.

The one unforgiven, the one story that hasn't been fully accepted by my brother.

He wrote a book, and is in the very early stages of promotion.

It is a book about the time he and I spent oodles of hours talking, and exploring, and seeking to find reality, and ways to rework life's patterns of being raised in an dysfunctional home.

His book is mainly his blog. "The Little Boy in the Red Sweater - My journey through sexual abuse."

The incongruity is where am I now?

How did I go from being the one who helped him through the darkest periods of life, to silence?

What did I do?

Our silence hasn't included dialogue to clearly explain to me, where I went wrong.

What was it that kicked me to the curb?

What did I say exactly that was so unforgivable and how is his story of me more powerful than who I am?

And even more, why has he been able to reconcile with the rest of his family?

How is it that I am unreconcilable?

What are my sins and assaults towards him.

And, how does his image of being so forgiving, not include me?

I am the one stick poking out.

I don't make sense in his otherwise healing image.

It is odd to be the odd man out. 

What I have learned is that when the bird and the book disagree, believe the bird - as the Audubon bird book explains.

Strange bedfellows is another phrase that we use to explain the unexplainable. 

I looked that up and found this.

“Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows."

How interesting.

Does this explain the other saying "Misery loves company"?

All I know is that I am still outstanding from my family.  A book is written, the sentiment is healing/forgiving and accepting the story of who they are and not his story of who he needs them to be.

And, here I am.

Alone.

While I am out here, his book doesn't make sense.

To me.

The years we spent together, the talks we had and the topics we discussed, wasn't heading in the direction he ended up. It all feels inharmonious.

It was as if he did a 360 and ended up where he once began. Except he left me behind.

His blog I had read in real time during the crisis of that day.

His book is an echo from the days back there.

I know the broader landscape upon which it was written, but I don't know where or how it ended.

I am suspended in a moment in time.

Silenced out and space was granted to me.

In an interview, he said he asked for space from his family for his healing.

I wonder why he needed space from me.

I am the exception to the rule.

I am the irreconcilable piece in our relationship.

 

When folks get a divorce over irreconcilable differences, we think it is things. Mostly, I am sure it is that someone feels the other as being incongruous.

Their lives are no longer in harmony.

Someone has changed.

It is true, I am the one person in my family of origin who is no longer like the others.

I no longer fit into their lives, for personal reason, most didn't share with me.

Yet, I am okay. 

I am okay being at odds with others.

I am not okay being at odds with myself.

I lived far too many years in dissonance with Me.

I love who I am today, so much more.

I live in harmony with my little girl.

 

I wish my brother well on his new journey of being an author.

He is the author of his blog, his book and his life.

As we all are.

May your life be empty of discrepancy.

 

 

 

 

Her Legacy lives on

When I thought of the woman who passed away from our Art Quilt Group, I wasn't fully aware of what she gave me.  How this group was the pattern that I followed for WIND - Women In New Directions.

One of the key components to WIND, was that there would be women mentors, that we would have someone who walked our journey ahead of us. Someone to give us courage, wise words, humor and plain life experiences. A place to gather for mutual interests, and let friendships form and flow within the circle.

What I gained from the women of the Art Quilt Group, was beyond fabric and ideas. 

I was able to see women who mothered in a wholesome way, who grandmothered, in ways that would celebrate and honor your child, and their child.

In times when my world was colliding with sorrow and grief, I was able to see women with life scars living in joy.

I can't know when this group started for sure, I am thinking it was in 2004 and even 2003. Early on in my dabbling in Art Quilts.  And, I was seeking others who didn't follow patterns, and who wanted to step out of the typical box of traditional quilts.

Not only did I find women who were quilting in new ways, they were also living life by their own rules. Rules of uniqueness and individuality. Again, our group's strength was its diversity.

This was my pattern for WIND.

To gather women who would meet for creativity.  It was my belief, that as we create artful pieces, we express who we are.

And, within the group friendships are formed and we lean on each other in times of need. Sometimes we mentor, and at others we are mentored. 

What was so impactful for me about the Art Quilt Group, was the individuals who shared with me their lives, their pain and in doing so made me feel that I would be okay.

They had lived longer, were further ahead on the journey. 

They became mothers to me.

Putting life into perspective and allowing me to sit in hope and confidence, and that growing often happens through painful choices.

The woman who passed away holds a special place in my heart. Her quiet knowing that things will all work out, had me believing before evidence would show up. She gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to have a mother who as present. She was more a mother than my own.  There with me in my darkest times lending her ear and understanding.  She brought her whole self to our group and shared it generously.

Perhaps we intuitively model the women we surround ourselves with. They give us courage and wisdom to live life to our fullest. And dare to be ourselves boldly.

I will remember what she contributed to the Art Quilt Group, and then how that flowed into WIND.  

Her smiles, encouragement, insightful views, presence, friendship, kindness, quiet joy, delight...

Her legacy lives on.

Photo by Ann Sandberg

 

 

Because of you

It was 13 plus years ago, that I began an Art Quilt Group; a group of women who gathered around to inspire each other to become fiber artists.  It has since included other forms of art, and we still meet once a month. Most of the original group still attends.

Yesterday we lost a member who I met for the first time, at our first meeting. We connected immediately, for she knew my aunt, and it gave us familiarity.

She was my opposite in Art. She was a precision seamstress. Her stitches, seams, corners, and choices of fabric was impeccable. She loved working patterns that required attention to detail and design.  The more intricate and complex, the more she loved to engage in the pattern.

She mainly sewed for her family, and love was stitched into the details, the thoughtfulness of pattern, and need.

She has a granddaughter who was gifted so many delightful things. Her thoughts were always for the receiver. What would delight and make their lives better. Her imagination was incredible, in what she would design and sew!

She was also a woman of quiet wisdom. Her life was like her art. She put so much of her into everything she did. Love truly is in the details! 

In our meetings, we would often share parts of our lives, or most (Me) and I will treasure her words and thoughts about being a mother and grandmother.

She had a knowing, that if you lived your life with intention and integrity, that life will resound in the same.

In times of worry, she had the right words to ease an aching heart and lean you towards hope. She is my mentor on so many levels. 

As I skied on the Tolkien Trails a few weeks ago, I did so in honor of her. She loved to be outside with her husband and dog. And these trails were her favorite. Mine too.

There is so much to remember about her, she lived of life of great purposefulness. Everything she did, she did with awareness of its impact. No detail too small to be missed.

My life is much better because I met you.

May you soar now with all the love your heart carried.

Our small group will feel your absence, and each of us will now have to rise into what you have taught us.

I love you.

I will carry with me so many memories.

I am better because of you.

Photo by Ann Sandberg