So, I have sat with my ability to hurt, while I am standing up for my values. In the past many years, I have been working hard to be consistent with my core moral compass. To not go, or not spend time with people or projects that are not in harmony with them.
This often places me in the direct blast from those who feel the sting of my words.
In the past, I worked very hard to not 'upset' or disturb the feelings of others. I was the queen of People Pleasing! I was a chameleon in my life. I based my words, my thoughts and beliefs to match the person I was with, IN order to flow harmoniously with them.
Disagreement, confrontation and any other sort of direct communication was not in my tool box. Which I believe walks hand and hand with denial. Instead of dealing with the reality, and its prickly and uncomfortable truths, we danced around them in pretend friendships.
Then, when the truth does fall at our feet, we all have a decision to make. Greet it or ignore it.
I also believe, that those of us who are trying to live as authentically as possible, are easy targets to blame not so much for what happened, but for exposing it.
Those who are not ready for the truth, most often react the most viscerally.
Blaming the messenger, instead of the message.
I don't believe the nature of the voice, the quality of the tone, the words chosen, the extent of time, the right and perfect day, the longevity of the relationship, will soften the blow of the truth as it is revealed.
The content of the messenger is not going to help ward of the sting of someone seeing, speaking the truth, that you don't want seen or voiced.
It is easier to blast the messenger than it is to look into a truth.
So, while I can appreciate my brother feeling that my words and sentiments, were attacking and felt abusive. I am not sure, there would be anyway, to get around it. IF you want to have an open relationship that isn't based on secrets and things left unspoken.
Often we look at relationships as being about the people. And, they are.
But, they are also about what can be said and what can't be said.
We can either be open and sharing or in fear with secrets.
What is the fear of being open and transparent.
I do recognize that many people are too afraid to just be themselves. To reveal all.
And, with good reason.
From my experience it is not easy to fully accept all of you.
The wounds come with shame, and guilt and they don't feel good.
Not talking about them doesn't mean you don't feel those emotions. They just keep riding along, time travelers as unexpressed emotions.
What I have been lucky enough to have gone through, is that on the other side of the truth is peace.
Reconciling my life and gathering all the ugly truths and airing them out, has given me what I feel is a bullet proof feeling. Meaning I can't be stung by others speaking of my truth. I have already sat with them.
And, I do welcome moments of when I am stung. When I am enraged and ignited, for it means there is a truth that is about to be revealed. An emotional wound is about to be exposed.
What I try to do now, is FEEL this.
Be open to what comes up inside.
My body is an amazing truth teller.
And, perhaps I will learn when to speak and when to remain silent.
However, I also believe not all relationships are created equal. Each has levels of depth to them. The deeper ones, in my opinion demand more transparency and the ability to challenge each other, when we feel they are going against their own truths.
I also believe, there may come a time in each relationship were it dies.
And we all decide what sort of friendships, relationships, intimate partnerships we want.
What I needed prior to embracing my truth, was a shallow one. A co-dependent one. One where I was the people pleaser chameleon.
When I first was stung with my truth. I knew it was a big moment in the relationship for my husband and I. I had no clue who I was, or who he loved or who he married.
We began walking with this empty self. Wondering who she would become.
We also left the old relationship on the floor.
We made a pact to just be ourselves.
And, if one of us no longer wanted to be there, we would be free to say it.
We both knew, that without that freedom, we as a couple would have died.
Instead we flourished into a higher level of ourselves.
Free to be ourselves.
I am not interested in relationships that require me to be something other than who I am.
I am not willfully being unkind.
I am however being willfully truthful.
Silence about a 'hot button' issue is still silence.
Banned into Space, is still silence.
Truth doesn't die in silence.
It rides along always.
I wondered about the natural expression of truth. How something doesn't make sense, until the whole truth is revealed, and then it does.
Isn't there a saying "Eventually truth always wins."
I found this.
"The truth always wins in the end because it can never be destroyed, whereas lies are built on a fragile structure that can always be undermined by an eventual recognition of the truth. That doesn't mean that the truth wins on human timescales - because we are merely human, with all the weaknesses that implies - or that truthful people win."
What I can only strive for is to be my truthful self and to live a life that is consistent with my values.
I may not win in most relationships, that are not open to the truth.
But, I will win inside of me.
We are works of art in the making.
When the paint of truth comes your way and sticks, welcome that part of you. Especially if it is the broken wounded part of you.
I will now sit with - do I apologize for being Me?
