IMPERFECT Lady

The Sum of My Parts

This week I read Olga Trujillo's book "The Sum of My Parts" and it helped me understand how a child survives abuse. It also showed me our survival techniques and how they become a hinderance when we are adults.  How integrating our past will open the space for joy.

Olga's abuse was horrific. You may have to skip the first half of the book.  The second half where she is working with her psychiatrist is also intense, but you can see the workings of the mind and then how to integrate it.

I understand the disassociation so much better.

I understand my sense of feeling numb.

I understand my irrational fears and how there are parts of me trying to still protect.

I understand the blank stare.

I also understand how she needed to balance her healing with doing her work and living.

While her story is extremely horrific and there were multiple parts that helped her survive, she gave me the understanding or she affirmed me.

 

Here are a few sentences of what I highlighted.

 

"Protective parts that had developed long ago helped me not feel love for those closest to me so I wouldn't feel the pain of their betrayals."

"The pain of everything I was remembering was unbearable. I never had a family."

"As you go through this process, you'll see that the dissociation kept the knowledge, sensation, pain and emotion away from you. But it left you numb. And it left you without defenses. You're unraveling the dissociation so you can be safe, and so your past doesn't control you."

"Feeling this deeply was new to me, having dissociated through most of my life to keep all feelings away. Even though most of what I was feeling was emotional and physical distress, I was vaguely aware that Dr. Summer was right: My ability to feel good and to feel joy was also growing. When I was able to hear it, he would encourage my progress by reminding me, "This all feels awful right now, but you'll eventually also feel the good in your life. The deeper the feeling you can access, the deeper of both ends of the spectrum you'll be able to feel - good and bad."

 

What  I know to be true for me is that the more I felt the devastation of being abused by my father, the more I was truly able to feel the other end of the spectrum.  Feeling, just feeling after being numb is scary and brilliant at the same time.

 

Her doctor had to keep reminding her she was big and safe. I get this too. For you truly feel like a defensive child. In the very early weeks, I was as my husband noticed, "like a scared rabbit." I had intense feelings of vulnerability. And, it was hard for a big body to handle.  I can't imagine a child surviving without dissociation.

My feeling safe in the present, allowed me to go back and get the emotions and feelings of betrayal.  And to sit with the intense feelings of terror.

I believe they used hypnosis to bring back memories and some came back on their own. I am not certain, bringing back pictures would help me.  And, she and I had a much different experience.

What has helped me from reading is to see the "Parts" that hold your abuse and how important it is to hold your whole life together.  How you integrate it, not separate from it.

It was bringing in my younger self and making choices that honored her, that I feel was crucial in becoming whole.

I think, many think, "Whole" is leaving the abuse behind, to not bring it into your present.

To overcome it.

I agree with Olga's experience of integration. I didn't have as much to integrate, but the process was still the same.

Thank you Olga for being brave, for having the courage to write and share your story.

The more we talk and share our experiences of surviving abuse, it allows others to feel normal, coming from whence we came.

We truly are the sum of our parts.

 

Read her book with caution if you survived childhood abuse.

 

My Guides

What many of us fail to appreciate, is where do we fall into the patterns of creating false scenarios when we get stressed out? Why is it that some of us are good make believers? When in our lives was it crucial to paint a better picture?

What I know from reading about child abuse, is that our minds need to create a safe place for us, when our worlds are so uncertain. We do this to NOT see the reality that is being played out in front of us, when our parents are acting in ways that are harmful.

It isn't what a child who is raised in a loving home does. 

We create a land of make belief, where evil becomes loving and loving becomes evil.

And, when I am tired, run down and stressed out, I un-naturally, but naturally for me, go back to the old system.

I can easily believe the opposite of what reality is showing me.  It is a natural feeling place.

However, now that the real truth of my childhood has been exposed to my mind, I am a bit suspicious of my thoughts.

Knowing that I have a tendency to create false narratives in my mind, I need to be ever so alert to reality.

Byron Katie, the author of "Loving What is" writes about this phenomena of believing our stressful thoughts.

Most of them start with "Would, should or could".

And, most of them leave us removed from our own reality, and trying to direct someone else's business.

Bringing your awareness back to your own life, your own choices, and your own voice, empowers you to make changes that you need.  It leaves the rest at peace to do what they want to do.

Just knowing that stressful situations will require me to be on guard for false narratives from my mind, is huge.  

There is a space between stimulus and response. And, in those of us who have been abused, the space is very small. The more you can think before you respond, the bigger the space grows.  I believe the book "The 8th Habit" speaks of this, by Stephen Covey.

What I most want others to know, is that we are not our thoughts, but rather the one who witnesses the thoughts.

Even to know, that we have crazy thoughts, and it was a coping mechanism of our childhood, releases us from feeling insane.

Instead, I see it as the natural outcome of living through an abusive childhood.

Our minds did an amazing job, and we survived.

But, that tool is no longer useful IF we are now living in a safe environment. 

My world now has love, and it isn't kind to me to change it into evil.

I will never underestimate the power of the mind.

Especially one whose wires were connected in abuse.

And, what is so extremely exciting and brilliantly engineered, is that we have the power to re-wire our brains.

We can undo old wiring.

We can open the space between stimulus and response. 

When in doubt, write it out.

Write out what the thoughts in your head are saying, and then find a few examples where they are untrue in your experience.

Experience and reality are my guides.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When You Are Uncertain.

I have been trying to write out the contents of anxiety, and how the thoughts were the opposite of reality, like it was trying to predict the unpredictable, but with a very heavy overtone of negativity that would leave me in worse shape than I was in.

I then thought to look up the word and see what the correct definition was.

Anxiety - "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."

Feeling nervous or unease about an uncertain outcome - strikes me the most.

I can see how family focused events, evoke uncertainty within.  

Not only is a spotlight upon my estrangement, it seems to be questioning my certainty.  Challenging my new boundaries, even if they are just thoughts, and not outright challenges any more.  And perhaps the latest sibling encounter was still ringing in my ears.

What I also know, is that uncertainty feeds into any other areas, where I am feeling a bit off. Where I am feeling overwhelmed, naturally.

In anxiety, the past and present get all messed up.

Feelings of uncertainty land upon things that are innocent, IF I am not careful.

New patterns are made up of uncertainty.  It has not been done before in my family.

I am the black sheep the odd man out, the changeling.

There isn't a certain path I am walking.

 

So the natural feelings of being uncertain in a new endeavor, clings on things I can see in this moment in time. Like a heat seeking missile it will find things that I can put my anxiety upon. Which IS I am looking to control as much as I can, to downgrade the feelings of anxiety.

Such as "my husband should be helping me clean and not be working on a tractor." I want to control his life by making him do my life, in my insane thinking mind.

I can create a story that ends up with him becoming an asshole.  Instead of a very happy man, who is excited to get a tractor running. A man who has watched his little granddaughter for most of the day.  A man who truly wants his family happy and well cared for. A man who asks for very little. I can take the certainty of him and create an image that is the complete opposite. 

In the space of few hours, I created similar stories of untruth that overshadowed beautiful realities.

The truth is being estranged from a family will bring uncertainties. We can't know where we are going for we are doing something different. 

When I feel the most uncertain, I look to control in anyway I can.

However, in the quest for control, my thoughts are not look deeply or widely. They just want what they want right now.

Luckily, I worked alone on the house and let my husband to his glory.  He never knew what my thoughts were saying, I blissfully didn't have the opportunity to spill them onto him.

After working on chores, my mind saw I wasn't going to follow its lead. I allowed the feelings of uncertainty stay with me. Anxiety and I worked together.

 

Now, a day after the holiday. The threat of being judged for not being part of my family of origin has passed, and with it the anxiety is gone.

What is so odd, is that I know I can answer any question relating to my absence from my family. This isn't a trick question that I can't answer.  

It may be that I have the anxiety or uncertainty how I am viewed for being estranged from so many. I don't know which avenue of uncertainty was feeding me. 

All I do know, is that anxiety is often a normal respond to an uncertain outcome in reality at this moment or it can be a time traveler about other past uncertain holidays.

 

What I do know, is that you can learn from anxiety, and you can investigate your reality to find a source, or ask yourself "what am I really uncertain about?"

What I also know, is that I am not really uncertain about me.

I am living as close to my truth as possible.

 

I know there are places where I am now being challenged to live my new pattern, and where my old selfish tendencies would like to reign. The short term gratification is going unfulfilled to accomplish long term change.

I have been around children my whole life.  I have been responsible for kids since I was about 7, and now life circumstances are that we can help my daughter.  The selfish part of me, wants no part of this, especially when I am tired.  The new pattern of me, knows this is a growth area.  It is where I can literally change the legacy of the women in my area of influence. To put aside my temporary needs for long term affects.

My daughter and granddaughter and the daughters that follow will model selflessness.

They will make choices that will have long term affects in the well being of their children.

What I learned most from my mother was selfishness.

When I am overtired, this feeling arises.

It stunts the growth of children.

I have had to look at my selfish needs in certain moments and when they stand alone against the distance of time, they are so petty.

When I then look at the gift I have been given to be involved in the care of my granddaughter and how it will affect her life, it is beyond what I can articulate.

This morning she said again to me, "We are besties, cause we like so many of the same things." 

I guess the bottom line of anxiety for me is that have I changed enough?

Did I make enough changes to change the legacy for my family?

This for sure is my greatest concern, to not repeat the cycle of abuse.

Being selfish, is one of the biggest hurdles in setting a new pattern.

It can look like self love.

 

And anxiety is natural in new patterns.

Oh, and the other definition of anxiety is "desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease."

When you are trying to redo family holidays, this too would be a natural response. 

As long as there are not disproportionately amounts of anxiety, it is a healthy emotion to have when your are uncertain.

 

It's no wonder that I am comfortable in art, which too has an uncertain outcome, for in creating new patterns in life, I am getting practice in uncertainty.

Be my guest

On the eve of Easter, my anxiety rose and my irrational thoughts swept in and out of my world. The idea of a holiday and all its trappings seemed too much. I wanted to cancel and be alone.

My mind eagerly came up with a ton of things to blame for my anxiety.

The list is long and false.

After a few hours of cleaning, and getting my home in order, I felt more in control.

My mind was sorted out too.

I had heard about triggers, and how we often think they are trauma sounding, and not so familiar as FAMILY.

Or, holiday.

Unbeknownst to me, just the idea of getting ready for a holiday is triggering for me.

It isn't my children, but the way it amplifies my estrangement.

Even while focusing on this house, I feel the emptiness surrounding me.

And, it leaves me feeling ungrounded.

It challenges my stance and my peace.

 

Even now this many years later, family holidays are unsettling.

 

I believe, that this will always be the case.

That I will never be able to forget and will always feel this anxiety during the holidays.

The ghosts of the pasts.

It isn't even so much the memories, but the reality of our partings and more, the silence of our now.

Family has lost its innocence.

And, holidays are much more complicated, and I will have to prepare myself better for them.

Even to get the cause of the anxiety put in its proper container, so I don't spread my angst upon the innocent family in my home.

This is why I am sure, that what pain we don't heal is spread down to the next generation.

For, the inside of me was roiling with feelings and my mind was wanting them to land upon something in my present.  And yet, it was the pain of the past visiting me in my present.

Holidays are complicated as your relationships with your family.

What I am so overly grateful for, is that I am at peace with my family.

The the relationships in my home are not anxiety ridden.

I will have to find time for me in the midst of holiday prep. This is a time I need more care than normal.  I need to make room for the anxiety of estrangement.

It will always be part of me.

The part that made me stronger and empowered.

It is okay.

You can come and sit with me.

There is room for all my feelings and emotions.

Anxiety is a reminder of our reality. It isn't good or bad, it just is.

Often anxiety pulls my glance backward and steals my present.

And, when I am taking care of me, I can bring me to the present and be with my family in my home.

Anxiety will be my guest.

I Am Honored to Know You

I am honored, to be honored.

Dial Help, was one of the first agencies that I worked with. An-gel was the first person I met there and together we began WIND - Women In New Directions, which is now in its 5th year.  There are so many women I would never have met had this not began. Women who are active and creative, who push through life's difficulties to try new adventures. Together we have grown in new directions.

The me who entered their offices, who spoke at their Gala, who donated journals, who even took their course on becoming a sexual assault victim's advocate, etc, is not who I am today.

Back then, I was just beginning to share my story in public. I was so naive to so many parts of the victim's journey into becoming.

Looking back now, I can see that being believed and heard, was a huge part of my trusting them. So often, children of sexual abuse by a family member are not believed.

Even if they are believed, there are no actions showing this is so. And, that leaves the child feeling their words were not 'believable enough' that somehow we failed to articulate our truth.

It was through Dial Help, that I met Tom Rosemurgy, a Detective at the time for Houghton County.  He and I discussed my father's evidence and court papers. It was so affirming to me, to sit with the law of the land and hear their side.  Tom also loved my art and was a great supporter of that too. 

What victims of abuse need to feel is that they matter.

Dial Help and Tom didn't change my past, but they did validate where I stood.  And in doing so, I was asked to be part of other helping organizations.

Joe Freed, was another great cheerleader. He worked at Copper Country Mental Health. And, he not only believed in me, he treated me as an equal and he too Loved my art. He understood more, because of where he walked.  

It is the individuals within these organizations that make all the difference. 

They believe we can before we believe.

And, in doing so we reach higher than we ever imagined.

As victims, we pass through different stages and some of us may use many organizations for help. They are not meant as stopping off places, but places for us to gain wisdom and energy to continue on. Places where we can safely wrestle with our truths of trauma.

Each has held my hand for awhile and then released me, stronger than when we met.

Their handprint upon my journey is indelible. 

Those of you who have held my hand each time you heard my truth, I sincerely thank you.

I am honored to know you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who I am Becoming

When words are said to me, that are intended to hurt, it takes time to assimilate them in and then out, of my space.

The words themselves were not shocking.

The author of them was.

The texting volley was so unlike him or the man I used to know.

It said way more about him, than anything he intended me to feel.

It takes time for me to re-adjust the truth of him.

 

"People show you who they are believe them" Dr. Maya Angelou

 

My greatest teacher is my mother.  

I have challenged myself to be her opposite.

So, it is an easy arrow to sling towards me to say that I am like her in various ways. He wanted me to feel like a failure.

However his words did not feel true to who I am today. 

I am living with the proof of my experience.

I am not standing with my mother.

The list is very long of where her and I differ.

 

What we put out in the world, is what comes back to us.

You simply cannot escape the consequences of what you give.

We are all in charge of the energy we bring.

What goes out, comes back; it is the laws of the Universe.

 

There have been times, when I look back and wished I had just been an asshole, for it seemed my attention and interactions were all for naught. 

I have to remind myself, how they respond to me, isn't mine to control. I am only responsible for what, I too, hand out. 

The years I spent in a close sibling relationship with my brother I wasn't an asshole. I gave to him my authenticity in the kindest way I knew how.

I can't even regret our last conversations where he felt abused. I gave, even then, my authenticity of being me. He and I challenged our truths as we worked together. 

I didn't change the tune of our music together, but something changed.

 

In his last few texts, he seemed a stranger I once knew.

 

I have been challenged, that I don't like to engage when I am in the wrong.

Again, my experience shows this is untrue.

My first 46 years I lived wrong.

I lived appeasing others and silencing my truth, in order to be part of a family.

Me standing on the outside of family, is once again proof of righting my wrongs.

 

"How's that working for you" was another barb that was intended for me.  Suggesting I was again failing at this 'new way of being Me'. 

The last 14 years have been unlike the first 46.  

I have been gifted with insights, truths, awareness, sorrows, heartache, and brilliant understanding of me, my trauma and its effects. I have been given the opportunity of another lifetime. To be a woman, I didn't even know existed.  To not have to become my mother.

All the experiences, disappointments and exiting relationships, and speaking my truth, even if my legs were shaking, of knowing each time it came to the point of speaking or being silent, that I spoke and lost another friend/sibling - all these were creating me into a woman of substance, a character I am proud of.

Becoming me wasn't an easy journey, but one that I would do again, it is working for me, but not so well for those who need me to be silent and away from my integrity.

Once I am on a rant, I will also say, that I was blamed for being one of the first victims of my father and for not speaking out. I was blamed for being silent.  Then, I had a second chance to speak out and I did. I stood this time on the side of the victim. For my silence was for the abuser's peace. I had a second chance to be unlike my first 46 years, and still this isn't accepted with kindness.

What I believe, is that no matter how I lived, I would be a disappointment and seen as a failure.  Can you truly live to satisfy another?

What I am most grateful for is that I was granted the awareness and strong constitution to follow my own inner truth, even if, and especially when, it meant disappointing someone else.

Each time I was building the scaffolding that held me up, until I had a strong enough core to be a free standing Me.

To be the woman I needed my mother to be.

I mothered myself by being a person I could count on.

A person I trusted enough to always follow her truths.

 

At the end of the day, we all lay our heads down, and we lay with our hearts. We live with the consequences of our choices. I am at peace with who I am becoming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who I am today.

It's been 10 years since I began blogging, but I had written in journals for 4 years prior to that.  

Writing out my life's questions and troubling thoughts has been so life changing for me. It has allowed me to see me in a way I wouldn't otherwise.  

I found it is pretty hard to lie to yourself, and blog.

When I began writing about my life in journals, it was to find the truth.  I had lived my whole life previous, a few steps away from it.

Denial isn't so much about denying reality, but rather denying your feelings.

In the writing, I connected with my thoughts and feelings.

Julia Cameron was my first introduction to writing. She suggests "Morning Pages", where you write 3 pages each morning. You write to just get your thoughts on paper.

I had just begun her book "The Artist Way" when I discovered my own sexual abuse.

The paper was my lifeline to truth.

I went nowhere without pencils and a notebook.

The conversations become real in writing. Often by the third page, the answer would appear; an affirmation, a knowing or an otherwise unknown idea.

My writing was for me, first and foremost. It was my guide, which seems quite insane, for it is me holding the pencil.

Writing and the blank white page became my best friend. It was always there, always willing to hear anything. Non-Judgmental or impatient.

When something bothers me, running around in my head and disrupting my peaceful space, I write.

I talk to it, explore why it is upsetting me. What it is trying to tell me about me.

For, anytime I am upset, there is something in me that believes a lie.

They are not earth shattering lies, but little ones that pile up that create a stressful life.

I try and catch them as they land.

They are simple, and often none of my business.

Lies that I am in control of another's choice.

Lies that takes me out of my business and places me in the middle of someone else's life, where I wasn't even invited.

Life is fairly simple if you stay in your own lane.

And it is a full time job to do your own business.

There is more than enough to keep your attention if you are aware.

Your emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, wishes, intentions, goals, desires, and how you yourself connect with them and the world around you.

Mostly, I am delighted to know that I am not responsible for anyone. For so many years, I believed I was. It was a heavy burden to bear, especially when they never seemed to do what I thought was right for them, or better or kinder or loving.

Now, I can just do what is right and loving for me.

The wide expanse inside of me feels the space they left open just for me.

A whole field to breathe in.

I know living a full life will mean pain and sorrow. I have felt the deepest dark and the most life sucking darkness.  I have also felt the extreme delights in the simplest places.

Life and all its glory is open to be fully felt. 

I love my body, my mind and my life.

The sheer beauty of its unique nature.

How brilliant it is within the truth of what is.

 

Just like in art, the dark and the light make it beautiful. I would give nothing for my journey today.

There is no part I could have skipped. Each part made me who I am today.

 

 

The Courage to be Disliked

I am listening to a book "The Courage to be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitke Koga, written in dialogue form.

"Philosopher: As I have stated repeatedly, in Adlerian psychology, we think that all problems are interpersonal problems. In other words, we seek release from interpersonal relationships. We seek to be free from interpersonal relationships. However,it is absolutely impossible to live all alone in the universe. In light of what we have discussed until now, the conclusion we reach regarding "What is Freedom" should be clear."

Youth: What is it?

Philosopher: In short, that "freedom is being disliked by other people."

Youth: Huh? What was that?

Philosopher: It's that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign you are living in accordance with your own principles.

Youth: But, but...

Philosopher: It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one's desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one's freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.

Youth: No! That's totally wrong. There is no way that could be called freedom. That's a diabolical way of thinking to coax one into evildoing.

Philosopher: You've probably been thinking of freedom as "release from organizations" That breaking away from your home or school, your company or your nation is freedom. However, if you were to break away from your organization, for instance, you would not be able to gain real freedom. Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgement, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's way of living. That's to say, one will not be able to be free.

Youth: Being disliked by other people - is that what you are saying?

Philosopher: What I am saying is, don't be afraid of being disliked.

Youth: But that's -

Philosopher: I am not telling you to go so far as to live in such a way that you will be disliked, and I am not saying to engage in wrongdoing. Please understand that.

Youth: No. Then let's change the question. Can people actually endure the weight of freedom? Are people that strong? To not care even if one is disliked by one's own parents - can one become so self-righteously defiant?

Philosopher: One neither prepares to be self-righteous nor becomes defiant. One just separates tasks. There may be a person who does not think well of you, but that is not your task. And again, thinking things like he should like me or I've done all this, so its strange that he doesn't like me, is the reward-oriented way of thinking of having intervened in another person's task. One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked. One does not live as if one were rolling downhill, but instead climbs the slope that lies ahead. That is freedom for a human being. Suppose that I had two choices in front of me - a life in which all people like me, and a life in which there are people who dislike me - and I was told to chose one. I would choose the latter without a second thought. Before being concerned with what others think of me, I want to follow through with my own being. That is to say, I want to live in freedom.

Youth: Are you free now?

Philosopher: Yes. I am free.

Youth: You do not want to be disliked, but you don't mind if you are?

Philosopher: Yes, that's right, not wanting to be disliked is probably my task, but whether or not so -and -so dislikes me is the other person's task. Even if there is a person who doesn't think well of me, I cannot intervene in that. To borrow from the proverb I mentioned earlier, naturally one would make the effort to lead someone to water, but whether he drinks or not is that person's task.

Youth: That's some conclusion.

Philosopher: The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness."  

 

This book affirms why I feel so free.  

I truly had to have the courage to be disliked in order to follow through with my own being.

It is perhaps easier to have strangers dislike you, than it is for family to dislike you.

However, within families it is often harder to live your own truth, due to your lack of courage to be disliked.

 

My tasks, if you will, is to live my life as authentically as I can, honoring my feelings and values. It is not my task, how you see me.

The last family member has chosen to dislike me enough to block me from his life.

That is his task, his life and his choice.

How he sees me, is not my task.

 

In following through with being me, I know that saying what I need to say, will often change the way someone feels about me. And, yet I feel strongly that I need to speak.

I am not sure how I can articulate the amount of freedom there is when you are okay with being disliked.

I would not have ever expected me to land here.

The freedom and courage it has given me is immeasurable.

This freedom is what I would love for everyone.

The courage to be disliked!

 

Imagine what you would do in your life, if you were okay being disliked!

The possibilities are endless!